Ok, first things first. You all brought me to tears!

Let's see,,,,,where to start?


First, I did NOT respond. I left his last email with no response, which I agree was the perfect thing to do. Let him wonder.

Second, I TOTALLY agree that the previously posted proposed email is too much too soon.

Third, I consulted my notes. Steve and I discussed mostly the steps after getting Drac to admit that he's thought/considered 'us'. The lead up to that is mostly as you all have advised and that he warned me about - - Slow. Don't give him too much 'credit' too soon, question everything he does against my potential 'risk'.

Also, Steve told me to send him updates via email and to call with questions. I think I'll send him an 'update', and then perhaps call tomorrow to ask advice on how to proceed with drawing him in until he's swallowed the entire bait AND the hook is set.

SD,


You have to be one of the sweetest men on the face of the earth! The SCQ is such a fool. You, my friend, know a great deal MORE than [censored]. Some woman is going to be VERY lucky to grab you up someday!!

Thanks for the concern. I think I'd be saying the same about you! Thanks, too, for the continued Arrow Sign pointing me back to the professionals!!

Lexxxy,


I so, "totally" agree. I never would have believed it possible.


Well, obviously I am not personally capable of this on my own just yet. I DO know this is necessary, so I will continue to count on you all to help me!!


You may be right. Do you think that the fact that today while DSS was in the car, I took a call talking about how much I am looking forward to 'tomorrow night". A mini ruse conversation with a friend that was structured by happenstance to where it could have sounded like a date to DSS. I felt a bit bad afterwards, as I don't want the kids in the middle, but if Drac is pumping them for information, I don't feel so bad about structuring my conversations based on that knowledge.


Again, am going to need continued help with this!

SL,


Yeah,, you are telling me?! That's what I thought this afternoon, too!

LG,


Thanks for the reminder. Between you and Mimi, I can not possibly forget my Personal Goddess Power - and for that I am very grateful. I may operate in the Goddess realm, but it's easy to lose track of my personal power as I am navigating this path.


THIS made me cry. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Mimi/SL,


yes, I agree.

I just sighed a big sigh of relief for today. Think I'll take 5 for now.

I just have to say (again), thank you all so much!!

Wow Bugsy... I go and have pizza with the kids and you go and practically land a date with Drac?!?

Easy tiger.. not too much too fast.. you know that though, and I see you're in good hands.

It'll be interesting to see what Steve's take will be on this.. don't be suprised though if he tells you to back off a bit.. that exchange seemed pretty forward.

On a positive note.. I bet you're crossing his mind back and forth tonight..

be interesting to see how this plays out.

Got my corner of the net right here for you girlie..

Watching this unfold and watching you work and seek advice is absolutely incredible. And couldn't happen to a more deserving person.

I so want this happiness for you because you are the best and have worked so hard for this.

A few months ago I would be jealous as all get out, but tonight I am like a little kid in a candy store watching somehow who deserves nothing but the BEST in life get some for herself.

I am so proud to know you and watch this unfold. G-d is certainly giving you some glory.

{{{{{{{{BUGS}}}}}}}}}}

I think this is a great idea.

And I certainly don't mean to detract from any of the great advice you're getting on here by pointing you back to Steve. It's a terrific support network you have here!

The coolest part of all SD,

WE ALL HAVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

How blessed for US...

Ok, so after his last email I have been totally dark.

Nothing from Drac all day -


Then,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


Holy Mother of God is all I can say right now.

That’s not cursing, that is a cry for help!!


As Ladybug would say, SERIOUSLY!

I just got off an hour and twenty -minute phone conversation with Drac! (well, it actually took me almost an hour to compose this post, too! )

Kids called me as usual, and they were at Drac’s friend’s down the street calling from DSS’s phone, so I knew Drac wasn’t there.

I had gone to Grandma’s house to mow her grass and have dinner. I had just gotten in the door when my cell rang with Drac’s number. I hesitated, but then answered.

He started by asking if the kids called. I said that they did. I could tell he was nervous. He admitted that he’d been out with a friend (a guy I know & like), and that he’d had just enough ‘liquid courage’ built up to call me.

It was such a long conversation, that I can’t possibly give a blow by blow, so I will try to put a list of what each of us said – and in no particular order other than it’s as I remember it.

Drac –
I’ve totally f*cked up my life
He never referred to the Ho by her name, but did once refer to her as “It”
Said he’s a bad man
All he ever wanted was to be a good dad
He’s no good
He understands that I could never trust him again
He’s done so much wrong
He isn’t even the man I knew when we met; he has LOTS more problems than that guy ever did
He very much misses talking to me
Told me of a brief bout with a cocaine problem
Thought about killing himself
Knows that his R with the HO was totally wrong
His R with the Ho was ‘messed up’ It was messed up even how they got together in the first place
Knows that he was losing Ladybugs because of his R with the Ho
Knows that the R with the Ho wasn’t right
Thinks he can never be a good H
Never wanted to hurt me
Doesn’t want to fight with me
Remembers and thinks often about how we were when we first met
We were great friends
We were a great team at work
Thinks daily when things happen, “I wish I could call and talk to
Bugs about this”
Has always told people he hopes I meet the man who I deserve and who can make me happy
He knows he can never make me happy
Believes I have always been too good for him
He never believed I needed him
He never believed that I loved him that ‘much’
He didn’t call to ‘hurt me’ again
He’s been wanting to call for some time
Thanks for taking the call
Thanks for the conversation
He said he ‘thought’ heI was going after what was going to make him happy
That’s what he ‘thought’ he was doing
He 'knew' I'd be just fine without him
He's messed up so badly
Things he's done have been all about HIMSELF
He's been very selfish
People (some who we consider friends) seem to somehow enjoy our pain
People have told him many things about me – such as when I travel I have a man in every city
He always known I am much stronger than him
He has been trying to show how much he does care and wants the best for me these last couple of weeks by being supportive and being a good dad
Ladybugs is the most precious thing in his life, she is the spitting image of me and he has nothing to do with how wonderful she is
I am a great mom
I am doing a great job with the kids
I am one of the most intelligent women he’s ever met
He’s been to ‘little sturgis’ for 3 years in a row, he’s seen more ‘boobs’ than most men and sitting there with all of the guys he stated that “Bugs still has the most beautiful, perfect ones,,,,,,,,,,,,and they are REAL”
It’s hard for him to be alone
He slept with his last ‘therapist’ (yeah WTF kind of therapist is that?)
He’s nothing more than a piece of a$$ to women
That’s all he will ever be
Because of the way he was raised, he will never be able to feel really loved
What should we do about meetings next week?
He hates the thought that people think we are enemies
He hates that I can barely look at him
Thinks I am too disgusted by him to be able to look at him
He can’t believe he’s telling me all of this
He wants me to be happy
One thing that's always been so hard for him was that we were such great friends
W

Bugs
Your life isn’t totally f*cked up
I am surprised I took your call, too, but I didn’t think you called to chat
You really have thought about us to the point where you think it things could never be repaired?
I’m surprise you thought of that
I thought all of this time you were ‘living the dream’
I thought you’d gone after what was going to make you happy and got it
I had no idea you were suffering
I am sorry you went through such a bad time
It makes me sad that you felt so badly you thought of dying
You aren’t just a piece of a$$
You have no idea how special you are
I know I didn’t show you how much I loved you, needed you
I’ve changed so much
I believe anything is possible when a person wants it badly enough
You have always been able to set your mind to something and then make it happen, even when no one else believed you could
I’ve always believed you could do anything
I have thought about how we were at the beginning, too.
I am sorry for not showing you – my love, my belief in you, my needs, my wants, my admiration
I have a whole new set of beliefs on how to live life
I know no other way than to be totally honest
I’m not judging you
Tomorrow, don’t be sorry for sharing; don’t worry about me judging you
I no longer try to give people the impression that I am something I am not
Life is too short
I know that I did not meet needs you had
You didn’t meet needs of mine
Instead of communicating we shut down
We were great
We were special
We were a great team
I’ve thought a lot about things – read- studied- learned
The first time in my life, after you cheated, I looked first at ME and saw that I needed to change
I’m not saying what you did was RIGHT, it is NOT but I have come to understand how affairs happen
You have no idea how badly you hurt me
I know now that the only reason it hurt so much is because I loved you so much
The person I am today is not the same person I was when we met either
I never would have married you if you were just a good piece of a$$
Your childhood does not have to dictate your life from here forward
You can and should be able to experience/trust in how much you are loved; it IS possible for you to have that
I had to stop talking to you because it hurt too much
I was dying bit by bit, very slowly
Do you think that I continued to be intimate with you, knowing that you were leaving me to go see the HO just because of sex?
Every time you were with me, I would hope and pray that you would stay
I had to stop dying, even though I really wanted to die.
I was at the edge of a cliff and ready to go off the edge
I had to stop talking to you or seeing you or I was going to go over that cliff
If it hadn’t been for a little boy and a little girl that needed me, I would have very easily ended up as you described yourself, lying naked on the floor trying to overdose on drugs and looking at a hand gun to end it all
Nothing in my entire life hurt me more than what you did to me
You DID make me happier than I have ever been
I never, ever cheated on you EVER in any way
I trusted you.
I felt you were my rock
When I leaned on you, I felt finally that I could breathe
I never felt more alive than when I was with you
I am sorry you never knew these things
I am sorry you never believed these things


There was a lot, lot more. A WHOLE lot of me building him up and reassuring him about himself, as well as my talking about how anything is possible in life. I wish I had a tape recorder!! Oh my!!!

He wrapped up the conversation by trying to be ‘funny and light’, which had to include some classic sexual innuendo. I somewhat played along, but not overly so. I let him take the lead on that. He ended by telling me to get some rest.

Bottom line is – I think he’s almost hit Bottom?? The one thing I didn’t hear tonight is “I am sorry.” “My affair was wrong”. At least not in those specific words. I have a feeling that he believes it would not help anything to say those words.

I know I just don’t know what to think, feel, or do right now.

It was very cathartic for both of us, but I think in a good way. It seems he is primed for the possible ‘next step’ to the MB path.

I am going to CALL Steve tomorrow. This is definitely time for a professional, but PLEASE tell me what you all think???

Some more things I remembered that I said


Today I am talking with the man that is more like the man that I met in 1999 than you have been for the last year and a half
If you were the man I have known for the last year and a half, I would not be speaking to you. You became someone I did not know and did not like
Yes, we were friends, but would you keep talking to a friend that had hurt you the way that you hurt me?
I am so pleased you recognized you were losing your daughter, because you were. I wanted to tell you, but you would not have believed me
Do you not think that your R with the Ho was like an addiction? Do you think it was just like the cocaine in that it ‘filled up’ that empty space you felt you had inside you?
I am surprised you wanted to talk to me
I have a lot to think about

WOW!

I have no words right now.

Just wow!

Eph!!

How ya doing? Talk about no words,,,,I am so surpised (and pleased) to see a post from you.

As you can tell, I am on the borderline of FREAKING out right now

I'd be on my hands and knees talking to G-d.... Asking for HIS guidance, for HIS will and then listening to HIM.

Queenie,

Thanks,,,,,,,,great minds think alike, as I'm THERE. We (G-d and I) have been in a BIG conversation. I'm trying very very hard to Be Still and LISTEN!

Oh woman, this is so COOL....

You deserve this LV, you deserve this chance, you have worked so hard for it. You handled it awesome in my opinion, TOTAL CLASS GODDESS ACT.

Still your heart, remember G-d loves you and has a plan for you if you TRUST him and he will walk you through it.

He NEEDS you to TRUST and have FAITH in him right now.

Do you journal or can you write notes for your call tomorrow?

Heres a mass reading for the day.

Psalms 51: 12 - 15, 18 - 19
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

12 Restore to me the joy of thy salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.
13 Then I will teach transgressors thy ways, and sinners will return to thee.
14 Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, thou God of my salvation, and my tongue will sing aloud of thy deliverance.
15 O Lord, open thou my lips, and my mouth shall show forth thy praise.
18 Do good to Zion in thy good pleasure; rebuild the walls of Jerusalem,
19 then wilt thou delight in right sacrifices, in burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings; then bulls will be offered on thy altar. ------------------------------------------------------------------------

The first reading.

Jeremiah 31: 31 - 34
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

31 "Behold, the days are coming, says the LORD, when I will make a new covenant with the house of Israel and the house of Judah,
32 not like the covenant which I made with their fathers when I took them by the hand to bring them out of the land of Egypt, my covenant which they broke, though I was their husband, says the LORD.
33 But this is the covenant which I will make with the house of Israel after those days, says the LORD: I will put my law within them, and I will write it upon their hearts; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.
34 And no longer shall each man teach his neighbor and each his brother, saying, `Know the LORD,' for they shall all know me, from the least of them to the greatest, says the LORD; for I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more."

And the gospel..

Matthew 16: 13 - 23
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

13 Now when Jesus came into the district of Caesare'a Philip'pi, he asked his disciples, "Who do men say that the Son of man is?"
14 And they said, "Some say John the Baptist, others say Eli'jah, and others Jeremiah or one of the prophets."
15 He said to them, "But who do you say that I am?"
16 Simon Peter replied, "You are the Christ, the Son of the living God."
17 And Jesus answered him, "Blessed are you, Simon Bar-Jona! For flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my Father who is in heaven.
18 And I tell you, you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the powers of death shall not prevail against it.
19 I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven, and whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven."
20 Then he strictly charged the disciples to tell no one that he was the Christ.
21 From that time Jesus began to show his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and suffer many things from the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and on the third day be raised.
22 And Peter took him and began to rebuke him, saying, "God forbid, Lord! This shall never happen to you."
23 But he turned and said to Peter, "Get behind me, Satan! You are a hindrance to me; for you are not on the side of God, but of men."

Yeah! What Eph said!!

That's GREAT, Bugsmom!!!

I'll bet you are really wired tonight!! I hope you get some rest!!

((((((((((Bugsmom))))))))))

Hugs of joy!!!

Charlotte

I'm very excited for you, Bugs. So far everything is going exactly the way they tell us that it can.

I would think the next step would be for Drac to talk to Steve.

Bugs,
I dont normally write to you but I have been following your thread since I came on MB.
This is so awesome, I am praying for you.

WooHoo!!!!!

Bugs,

As soon as I stop crying, I'll write more. I am SOOOO happy for you.

Queenie,

Thanks so much for the Scripture last night!! It helped me greatly. After posting everything I did, I was exhausted and went to bed with my Bible and read til I fell asleep.

Thanks everyone else for the posts!!

I was up and down through the night, and am pretty tired today. Definately feeling emotionally drained right now, too.

I do want to add here that one thing that I think is that Drac needs God. In fact, I know he needs God more than he needs me. It is my hope that as this moves forward, IF this moves forward, that God comes first, and the rest of this will then fall into place. I don't see 'us' working if it's not God first.

I have so much to do at work today!! I do not know if I will be able to post during the day, but know that I will be reading the board when I can off and on. Will be back later tonight.

I'm sitting here at work crying too.. I know that's not cool for a guy to do, but I'm soooooo happy for you Bugsy..

THIS is what we all hope and pray for..

I TOLD you that you were my hero..


Ok.. I'm a little jealous at this point of your success here, but DANG girl.. I just don't have the words.

YES.. talk with Steve.. get yourself together emotionally and mentally. This another step on a very narrow path, but if Drac REALLY feels the way he said he did.. and I still have nagging doubts about his sincerity.. and it will take TIME for you to trust his words as well...

I'm a little concerned that he had to have a few drinks to work up the guts to do this, and hope that it won't require alcohol to fuel further urges at R.. but I can't deny it's a start.

For God's sake be CAREFUL Bugsy.. I know you're going to have to take a few chances here, but make sure they are calculated risks..


Praying for you, Ladybugs, and Drac..

Praying a little for the rest of the BS's here still hanging on to hope.. and I pray that you know that your sitch has given a little hope back to some of us who have been teetering on the edge of rubbishing the whole deal.

CAAAAALLLL STEEEEEEVE!

i heard a lot of this stuff, Bugsy, just not as,um, well, just not AS much. The next step is to call Steve. Also, you need to hear this without the liquid courage. THEN, Drac needs to take the steps to get back to you. If I had to do it over again, I would insist upon a consultation with Steve H and have him begin his homework. A MB weekend might jump start things. Just thinking off the top of my head.

I didn't PUSH enough for the coaching. Hindsight. I can't do it over, but I would STRONGLY suggest you letting him lead. I think it's important that this NOT be so easy, that he recognize from the very beginning that this is going to take WORK and even more O&H.

This really is good stuff, Bugsy, so don't be discouraged by what I posted.