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Greetings... I am new... D-day 1st June 2008.

A little background: I finally confronted my wife with my suspicions and she admitted having an affair with a colleague. It lasted 8-9 months and ended physically over two years ago (she says, I have my doubts) but they had stayed in occasional contact by email and telephone and saw each other sometimes at events or whatever with out sleeping together.

She agreed to end contact and has told him not to contact her. (By phone, against my advise, which I found here at MB to send a letter). I monitor her email accounts without her knowledge, so am reasonably sure there has been no contact. We have also agreed to follow the radical honesty agreement and decisions agreement I found here. I am beginning to trust that when she says it's over and she has no desire to start it up again, she is telling the truth.

So we are in recovery I suppose all though I still think about them together and her betraying me, etc. a lot.. and I am still very hurt and angry.

I am also angry with the OM. I have met him on a few occasions and his wife who is very nice and their young daughter (they since have a new baby I haven't met).

Finally to my question: Should I tell his wife? I truly think she deserves to know. I wish my wife had told me long ago or even his wife or anyone. I was such a trusting idiot. I have also read posts from other woman who said they would definitely want to be told.

My motives are not entirely altruistic though I must admit. I am still quite angry with him as I stated above and rather relish the idea of him getting what he deserves. I also see it as a safeguard against him contacting my wife again. And his wife definitely does deserve to know what her husband is up to behind her back. So it's not all about revenge, but there is an element of it.

So, should I tell her, or facilitate her finding some other way? I also thought to contact him and give him the chance to fess up before I told. I'd be very glad of some advice and hearing other's experience with this.

Thanks,
Tri

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You should have exposed the instant you had solid proof of the affair.

Did your wife make you destroy the evidence as a "condition" of reconciliation?

If so, call OMW now.

If not, you need to tell your wife that this must be exposed to OMW to ensure no contact is maintained.

If she refuses, do so instantly.


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Tell her.

Your motivations are irrelevant, as long as you are considerate of the BW's feelings.

You get one heckuva shot of revenge, AND you're doing the right thing.

As a bonus, you get a second pair of eyes watching the two of them.


Me? I told OM's wife, his boss, and most of his co-workers.

I also told him that if he ever contacted my wife again I'd tell his kids' classmates.

I wasn't kidding then, and the plan is still on the table if I ever need it.

He said, "There's no need to get the kids involved".

Obviously, it was a thinly veiled threat against my kids.

I responded with, "I didn't get them involved. You did."

Last edited by Krazy71; 08/08/08 05:05 PM. Reason: remembered something

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 Originally Posted By: Trisolo
Finally to my question: Should I tell his wife? I truly think she deserves to know. I wish my wife had told me long ago or even his wife or anyone. I was such a trusting idiot. I have also read posts from other woman who said they would definitely want to be told.


Trisolo, it would be an act of kindness to tell her the truth. My suggestion would be to tell her yourself, give her details, your contact # for follow up, and send her here to this forum so we can help her. Telling her the truth will give her the same opportunity you had to recover your marriage. She has a right to know the truth about her life.

Secondly, it will make it harder for your wife to resume the affair if she had a notion. His w would know to watch out for it.

I would suggest that you tell your wife AFTERWARDS rather than before. The reason is because a) it will cause unnecessesary conflict and b) it will give her an opportunity to contact the OM, who may pre-empt your call by spinning the story to his wife. If he has not told her he won't want her to believe this, so it is very common for the affairee to spin you as an "insanely jealous husband who imagines every man is out for his wife." After being spun like that, your credibility is ruined before you ever call.

 Quote:
She agreed to end contact and has told him not to contact her.


Have they stopped working together?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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So do you think that it is important to tell the OPS (in my case OWH) even if No Contact has already been established?

I have fought with this back and forth. For me, it's been almost 6 months since d-day so I may have missed the window...but for others who wonder, when is it too late to tell the OPS?

Should you risk stirring it all up again when you contact the OPS if you think NC is intact?

I know that I would have wanted to know if OW had told her H before my H told me. So isn't it the right thing to do to expose to OWH?

And what of co-workers, friends and bosses of OP? Same thing...the A is over and NC is established. Is it too late to expose to others and does it serve any purpose other than to let me stick it to her?

hicktownmommy


BW 37 (Me).
F?WH 35.
06/97 Married.
Three sons...4, 5, and 7.
06/04 EA begins (Unknown to me).
02/10/05 D-Day EA (Unknown PA).
02/24/08 D-Day LTA 3+ YEARS! (same OW).


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HTM, there would be no reason to tell friends, coworkers, etc if the affair has ended. However, the OP's spouse should always be told, no matter how much time has elapsed. The other BS still has to know.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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In what way is he a colleague ? Do they work with each other, or does he work with you? Are you in the same Church, social clubs, etc. What is the point of contact?

Larry

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trisolo

Yes expose to the OMW. She deserves the truth. OM deserves what he gets. No OM should get away without having to face his actions.

"she admitted having an affair with a colleague"

Just as important, does WW still work with the OM?

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Trisolo Offline OP
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Hey... thanks for the replies! This is very helpful. It does seem the right thing to do as I would definitely want to be told. I've just been pretty confused, shocked and in to some pretty deep emotional turmoil for the last 9 weeks, (could it be that long?) I couldn't see the other side (OM and his family) very clearly.

But it dawned on me a few days ago that just as he slept with a married woman, who had a husband and children waiting at home, my wife slept with a married man, putting his wife and children in to the same boat we were (are) in. I am very angry with him and probably as angry with my wife. But I still love my wife and want to rebuild our marriage. Somehow this seems possible even with all this hurt and anger under the surface. As the pain lessons I suppose the anger will too. My goal is to be able to forgive her in the not to distant future and I suppose forgiving him too would go along with that. I'm not ready for that step yet. I'm just trying to keep my cool and recover a bit. I've learned a lot from this web site and am trying to follow the steps... one step at a time.... man this is hard.

I'm really feeling nervous now about calling his wife. I would almost rather call him and threaten to tell her if he doesn't. I just don't want to be the one to give her such bad news! Plus, (my conniving mind at work) I might be able to get him to add some information to the story and thus shed some new light on some parts of my wife's story that I am having trouble believing. (Basically the length of their relationship, when it actually started and how often they met). But that would probably get complicated and backfire anyway.

Has anyone had experience talking to the OM about the affair?

There were a couple of questions:

"Did your wife make you destroy the evidence as a "condition" of reconciliation?"
No, she did asked that I get rid of the emails I had printed out so I wouldn't keep reading them and "taking things out of context", which I did. But I still have them in my computer, but don't look at them anymore.

"Have they stopped working together?"

Yes, well, they never really worked together, but had plans for some future work and would discuss and help each other with their own work.

"In what way is he a colleague ? Do they work with each other, or does he work with you? Are you in the same Church, social clubs, etc. What is the point of contact?"
They are in the same field and were connected to the same organisation, and met through work related events originally.

Thanks again,

Tri

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OM laughed in my face.

I exposed to his wife on Christmas eve. Touche mofo.

His wife was my best ally and beyond appreciative to me.


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 Originally Posted By: Trisolo
My goal is to be able to forgive her in the not to distant future and I suppose forgiving him too would go along with that. I'm not ready for that step yet. I'm just trying to keep my cool and recover a bit. I've learned a lot from this web site and am trying to follow the steps... one step at a time.... man this is hard.


Tri, Dr Harley believes very much in forgiveness, as a Christian, but he firmly believes in JUST COMPENSATION. Just compensation is best for you, your wife and your marriage. Dr. Harley makes a brilliant argument about forgiveness in this article - here is an excerpt:

 Quote:
"I'm in favor of forgiveness in many situations, but this isn't one of them. In the case of infidelity, compensation not only helps the offended spouse overcome the resentment he or she harbors, but the right kind of compensation helps restore the relationship and prevents the painful act from being repeated.

In most cases, an offended spouse would be stupid to forgive the wayward spouse without just compensation. It's like forgiving a friend of the $10,000 he owes you, when it's actually in the friend's best interest to pay you in full because it would teach him how to be more responsible with money."


Entire article here

 Quote:
I'm really feeling nervous now about calling his wife. I would almost rather call him and threaten to tell her if he doesn't. I just don't want to be the one to give her such bad news!


I know you don't want to make that call. I have had to do this and it is heartbreaking. I cried all day. But it had to be done. He was very grateful I called, too.

It is best that you call, because if you try to force the OM to do it, she may never get the truth. She may get the story about the "insanely jealous wacko who thinks I am out to get his wife." The story will be spun or minimized in some way; count on it. Remember, this man is a liar and cheater who cannot be trusted. HE IS INVESTED IN KEEPING HIS SECRET. Please don't leave this important job in the hands of a liar whose mission is deceit. She will get the full story from you, along with the evidence she needs.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Please, tell her husband. Again, he has the right to know.Don't
leave it to him to tell her. Imagine this, your wife gets thrown under the bus as soon as BW knows. Why? Cause he doesn't want the trouble, doesn't want to pay the money, and he can find another squeeze as easily as he found you WW. A bonus is that you have the 2 sets of eyes glaring down on the A and it will surely lose it's luster. And after you tell his BS, tell HIM that he needs to stay out of your world or you are coming into his with a vengeance. And mean it!. Let him know his job and family will know and the folks at his church. Turn over the rocks and Rock His World!! It worked for me. GF


Marriages don't fail, people do. (And I don't recall who said it)
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Do not tell OM of your intentions. Do not feel bad. Do not lose your resolve to do the right thing. Tell the OMW.

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I do believe he needs to know. It's only fair...You know. Will you tell your wife? She needs to understand this might be more closure for you,if there is such a thing.

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This is just too funny. This is supposed to be a "marriage builders" site? But here you guy are preaching to out an affair that is what 2 years old?

Here you BS do nothing but complain how selfish WS are but here you want to use the most base of SELFISH emotions and want revenge. Seems a lot of you BS's just want every WS to feel the pain you felt reguardless if it is justified or not.

Leave this alone you are pissed and just want revenge. The affair is over and your just pissed you did not see it. Everyone has moved on and you will do nothing but possibly lead the destruction of a marriage that has already moved past the affair.

You all are like a bunch of religious zelots picking a choosing the messages you want from your chosen book.

Leave these people alone and move on with your life.

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Spoken like a true WS who has learned absolutely nothing.

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 Originally Posted By: hu7668
This is just too funny. This is supposed to be a "marriage builders" site? But here you guy are preaching to out an affair that is what 2 years old?

Here you BS do nothing but complain how selfish WS are but here you want to use the most base of SELFISH emotions and want revenge. Seems a lot of you BS's just want every WS to feel the pain you felt reguardless if it is justified or not.

Leave this alone you are pissed and just want revenge. The affair is over and your just pissed you did not see it. Everyone has moved on and you will do nothing but possibly lead the destruction of a marriage that has already moved past the affair.

You all are like a bunch of religious zelots picking a choosing the messages you want from your chosen book.

Leave these people alone and move on with your life.



Did y'all hear that odd sound??


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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 Originally Posted By: KiwiJ
Spoken like a true WS who has learned absolutely nothing.


LOL - I was about to say exactly the same thing!


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Trisolo Offline OP
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 Originally Posted By: hu7668
This is just too funny. This is supposed to be a "marriage builders" site? But here you guy are preaching to out an affair that is what 2 years old?

Here you BS do nothing but complain how selfish WS are but here you want to use the most base of SELFISH emotions and want revenge. Seems a lot of you BS's just want every WS to feel the pain you felt reguardless if it is justified or not.

Leave this alone you are pissed and just want revenge. The affair is over and your just pissed you did not see it. Everyone has moved on and you will do nothing but possibly lead the destruction of a marriage that has already moved past the affair.

You all are like a bunch of religious zelots picking a choosing the messages you want from your chosen book.

Leave these people alone and move on with your life.



I am concerned about this aspect. Part of me feels that to tell his wife is for revenge, and revenge usually only makes things worse. So to protect myself from getting wrapped up in all the negativity I thought I would not tell and hope for the best. Maybe he has turned over a new leaf? Has dealt with the causes on his own?

I got an idea from some of his email to my wife that things were going better in his marriage since the birth of their second child a year ago or so. (My wife admitted to being somewhat bitter about the child since he had eluded to her that he planned to leave his wife at some point- typical.)

My wife also told me that at some point early in their relationship he had insisted that she promise not to tell no matter what. That his wife would not forgive it and would not allow him to see his child. He also told her that I would react the same way. So in fear of all this she had kept their secret even though her intuition was telling her to reveal it. (There is probably a certain level of Bull in this).

Anyway, when she told him not to contact her anymore, she told him he should tell his wife and he said he never would.

Part me of wants to let it all go and not say anything, but then again, I know that I would want to know the truth, even if things had been going along smoothly in our marriage, which they weren't. The secrets and deceit were causing my wife lot's of stress which I blamed myself for and we were in a state of withdrawal.

I know that my telling will throw them into a state of turmoil, similar to what we are experiencing. But if that is the case, it's another point in favour because our marriage is actually being saved by this whole messy, painful business.

Thanks,
Tri

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Tri - If your wife says that this is over and you believe her, have a way to verify her story then I (despite the othe advice given) would not tell the w.

Does she have the "right" to know? Well, yes his wife should know. But do YOU have the "right" to be the one to tell her? You are going to tell this lady the worst news of her life. Less than 1 year after having a baby? While her husband (and your wife had the affair) do you want to be the deliver of that news to her?

Your wife told you that his would leave him if she ever found out, right? While HE had the affair the news of the affair will dissolve their marriage. That would leave a 1 year old child in a world of chaotic stress. Not to mention the other child. Not to mention the fact that your wife may feel her "guilt" all over again and in a more intense way than before. While HE had the affiar you have a choice in not telling her. Why put some many people through the turmoil by being the one to tell her?

Why not contact him! If you are following the advice of some of the posts her and telling her to have more eyes watching him, why not maintain contact with him? Call him OFTEN. Ask your wife more questions if you must.

In my unpopular opinion, you should NOT be the one to tell his wife.

BTW - You can read a thread that I started that dealt with this exact topic. I even mentioned the forgiveness issue and was LEVELED by many of the responders. Our time frame is about the same. I have already had 1 following conversation with OM and I told him that I forgave him. I do. I am not going to allow the PA to destroy who I am.

I am not perfect and in need of His grace and everyone's grace that will offer it. He is to. She is to. You are to.

The last bit of advice that I can give - Do what you feel is best in YOUR HEART and HEAD. Take the advice here with a grain of salt as NO ONE on this board knows what it is like to be YOU. They may have experienced something similar but YOU have to live with the decisisions that YOU make.

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