My husband had an affair with my sister last year and she's the one who confessed and brought it out in the open, whilst he was overseas.I confronted him, we separated for some time. And after much talk and him convincing me he wld never go dwn that path again we got back together.I was hurt but I tried to make myself strong.The only prolem is it's been hard for me to trust him with her agan.I know Dr Harley says there should be a total separation of the husand from the lover but my case is complicated.It's been a year since,but I still find it hard to see them laughing and having a good time together or him acting very caring towards her. It just reminds me of hw their affair went on without my knowledge.I just let it go on in my hse thinkin they were just god friends.Until I foundout the truth. I've tried to confront my husband about hw I find it difficult to accept their friendship and closeness and he says he's just doing it for the sake of family.If it wasn't for the sake of her being family, he wldhave cut her off along time ago.The last time I had this confrontation with im,he cried saying i shld put myself in his shoes, how wld I feel being te guy who has separated 2 sisters.I felt guilty, and even if i struggle with this hurt, I can't bring it up because it's for the good of the family. What he doesn't realise is everytime I see them having a good time together it's like being taken back to that hurtful moment.At the same time I believe I've forgiven them.What shld I do?

I am speechless. Why in the world would you allow your sister and your H to continue to carry on their affair IN YOUR HOME in front of you and your children?

Why are you not protecting your children and your marriage?

They are both taking complete advantage of you! What a terrible thing for both of them to do. Your sister has no business being in a "friendship" with your WH after what has occurred, let alone his side of the fault.

Don't be a doormat to these 2, set some boundaries and stick to them and put your needs, your children and your marriage before this so called "relationship thats for the good of the family".

Does the rest of your family know about what went on?

I would strongly suggest you counsel with Steve Harley.

I would also think that even though this is your sister, NO CONTACT still applies. Your husband and your sister cannot be in any contact. Two important reasons why:

1. Every time they have contact it's a major lovebank withdraw for you.
2. Every time they have contact he is taken back to square one of withdrawing from the affair.


IMVHO, he was manipulating you when he said this. He should be more concerned about you and your feelings, not his own. He lost the right to interact with your sister (and she him) when they stepped over the line.

Jo

CIM, my main concern is WHY you choose to live like this. Its one thing for you to allow yourself to be abused, but you have CHILDREN who depend on you. Why would you allow this go on?

Do you have children with this man?

His attitude sucks. Poor him.

NC absolutely still applies, even though it is your sister. IT doesn't matter. If you want your M to work then NC is a MUST.

Call Steve Harley and counsel with him. He will tell you the same and he will explain it to you both so that it MAKES SENSE.

[P.S. And I am sorry, but for the record, this hits an all-time new low. Your H had an A with you SISTER???? That is disgusting and I HOPE you cut your sister out of your life. I cannot imagine my own sister EVER doing that to me...your sister has big issues she needs to work on.]

I wonder why you haven't cut your sister out of your life, at least initially when you found all this out.

She is not behaving as "family" or even a friend. Her actions are that of an enemy. She does not deserve your sisterhood until she can express true remorse and an understanding of how much hurt this has caused you. And even then, there can still be NO CONTACT between her and your husband.

You need to start standing up for yourself and your children. We teach people how to treat us. And this is all the way wrong with them flaunting their continued relationship in front of you AND your children.

Jo

I agree with Resilient.
Yes, she's your sister and you love her and now you have put her first before you and your H - why? What kind of relationship have you had with your sister? No contact is no contact and they need to respect you and abide. Don't be a doormat - stand up for yourself girl- in the end both will respect you more for its!

G

I too have a family situation. I have never posted the exact relationships involved because I handled it as a "normal" affair. I have a lot I can say and help in this situation, in my opinion, but I see no need to post unless there would be an interaction with the original poster, who hasn't said anything after the initial post.

I totally agree that contact with Steve Harley is a good start.

Larry

There must be NC. WH is feeding you a load of crap.

There needs to be NC not only between your WH and sister, but between you and your sister. You will never heal as long as you're in contact with the OW, no matter who she is.

Your WH doesn't want to separate two sisters? Too bad - he made that choice the moment he unzipped his pants. So did she.

You need to protect yourself and your children, first and foremost. Your marriage will probably recover, but ONLY if there is NC. And if your sister lives close by, you need to move before you even consider recovering with your WH.

Any of your family that are willing to support the A continuing, are not friends of your marriage and you need to avoid them. This is hard enough without a bunch of naysayers asking why you're making a big deal out of this.

It is a big deal. Your life will never be the same, and you need certain things to heal. NC is top of the list.

CIM, please let us know how you are doing!!! There is help available for you here from the very experienced posters. You do not have to deal with this tragedy alone!!! I do believe that communication to the rest of the family is essential or they may interpret the No Contact rule as spite or revenge and not as the marriage building repair tool that it is. I have noticed that there are several people dealing with affairs involving family members.

Just curious here and not trying to stir up trouble, but is there a reason she should cut of her sister and not her WH? Or both? I don't see this as an ordinary affair at all.

I see this as very recoverable, BUT in the same way the level of disrespect was much higher, so the bar needs to be set comparatively higher if recovery is to take place.

This is Marriage Builders, and when she posted that first post it was presumably because she wanted to build her marriage.

She's married to her WH and building a marriage by cutting him off is a logistic impossibility. Therefore, the sister has to go.

Her sister should be treated no differently than any other OW. No contact for life.

I do see that, but I also see this as a double betrayal. My gut feeling (if it were me) would be to dump them both. So I guess that's why I asked.

I gotcha. I would feel the same way, but some marriages do recover from this.

What would be the best way for her to deal with members of her family who feel she should just "get over it" and allow her sister to be part of her life again?

She will be trying to celebrate holidays, birthdays, get togethers with her family members for the rest of her life and having to determine whether her sister will be there or not...

If her sister refuses to honor her attempt to rebuild her marriage by staying away at the family events how should she respond? Should both she and her husband avoid the event or should she go by herself and endure the pain of seeing her sister again? Should they both miss all events with family if the sister refuses to bow out?

How far should the exposure go with it being in the family? Should the children know that their aunt was involved with their father?

I believe that a lot of communication and understanding of the marriage building concepts will be required for this to work and not cause problems between CIM and her other family members because they are going to want it to "just go back the way it was" and very well could wind up blaming CIM for the entire mess.