Possibly understanding that recovery is like recovering from an addiction. It takes all your energy, time, effort, faith, and understanding. You are learning an entirely new way of being together.

That is becomes your priority and you have to take painstaking measures to protect what is happening in a healthy manner?

Since I'm not there, I am really just guessing.

A+ on your answer, Queenie.

I think this is stated ELOQUENTLY and is RIGHT ON TARGET!!

Very nice! I like it.

I also think Luna's word picture is effective (for us visual learners).





.... and you begin to climb the "chain of mountains" already worn out and beat up and exhausted .... and you can only see the first mountain ... you only discover more mountains after reaching the summit of the first mountain.

On second thought - this might just scare people off .... :RollieEyes:

Just back from church and catching up on the great replies!


I can tell you exactly what I was thinking. Based on conversation the other night, while I was open, supportive, and positive with Drac, I did not state to him that I was open to friendship/relationship.

As his first indications were for being friends again, as we were when we first me, 'having SO much' fun together, etc. I thought that time together without the Pressure of any R talk MIGHT be more appealing to him. BTW - it was a mixed group guys & girls. It was (what I thought and likely wrongly thought) a less pressure sort of invitation that let him know I was open to seeing him beyond kid pick up/drop off or work.

I also thought it would help guage his leanings a bit better - to perhaps uncover if he's thinking just "friends" or more than friends(as in relationship/recovery)


Agreed on all points. Being prepared is now the KEY focus here.


I have thought of this, too. Especially in terms of family. It's going to be rough, but that's a hurdle I am willing to overcome if/when. I may be wrong, but I do not see my friends being unsupportive should we go into recovery. If they are not supportive, they aren't my friends.

Only 1 person IRL knows ANYTHING about this last week's events. She told me, "Now you have a chance, I think. This time, you make absolutely sure you get everything you NEED. That you are both in agreement and that you take your time." This was based merely on my telling her what he said on the phone the other night. She's had no idea that I have remained open to recovery. So, I know I can certainly count her in for support!


Pep, I know you addressed this to Mimi as a a question and to me as an astute observation/warning. I can tell you I have thought about this A LOT these last few days. I've asked myself, "DO you really want to do this? Do you really believe you can do this? It is going to be As hard, if not Harder than the last year and a half"

The answer is Yes. I do want to do this. I intend to give it my All. But it does take 2. And as LG pointed out the other day, this tightrope I am walking is of my choosing and I can choose to step off at any time. Don't get me wrong,,,,I am not going into this EXPECTING to duck & run when things get hard. Not at all. I am simply acknowledging that this is MY choice and it will remain MY choice. One big thing I've learned better than I ever knew before is that I have choices, and I'm much better at knowing what they are and not being afraid to make them.

As to not knowing how hard it is REALLY going to be? I am sure you are 100% right.

I would expect it's just like every other part of this. Plan A is HARD. Yet we recognize up front it will BE hard going in. Yet, it's much HARDER than expected.

Plan B is HARD to believe up front that it will be very hard, especially at first. What's HARDER to believe about Plan B is that it DOES bring peace to the BS.

So, I expect nothing less from the Recovery Road. Hard, hard times,,,,,,,,,,,,,but GREAT GREAT reward.

Hey now!! What's the big idea trying to scare me like that?? LOL!

What's that quote, something about the Journey of a thousand footsteps beginnging with just one?

I know the mountain range may be high, with jagged edges, loose rocks, slippery footing. There will be peaks & valleys. Yet as my hope lies in our doing this as a team, I believe it is possible.

Staying focused on one another and boosting one another to climb whatever next mountain appears in our path.

yeppers

But how come you think that he could possibly handle a social setting? Do you think he's just back to being himself as if an affair didn't happen and has DESTROYED himself and HIS FAMILY?

I'm not talking about YOU being around your friends. I'm talking about HIS capacity to be around your friends.

HE IS BROKEN and it will take YOUR SENSITIVITY regarding this.

It has probably taken everything in him just to call you..just to call you...it would be like crossing an ocean to meet with you and then like going to Antarctica to ever get to the point of socializing with your friends.

I'm not sure in your post that you GET THIS...

I didn't know y'all were talking about MOUNTAINS while I was talking about CONTINENTS...LOL

Very geographical discussion today,,,,,,,,,,,,

Mimi - Sorry I didn't speak to the fact that YES, I do get what you are saying about him not being able/ready/capable of that kind of thing now or for some time to come. I kept my post strictly to what I was thinking at the moment I put that out there yesterday.

I don't think I really believe that yesterday. Obviously I didn't or I wouldn't have made the invitation the way I did. As I said, I wasn't sure of his intentions being about US. Knowing DRAC and I do mean DRAC I could see him thinking we would just be 'buddies' again IF he wasn't REALLY broken yet. DRACULA would have jumped on the chance for a Dark Night opportunity to just suck out some more of my blood only to leave me broken and battered, a new member of the undead.

His response says he's not full blooded DRACULA now. He's still fighting off some of the effects of his time spent on the darkside, but he's able to come out into the light of Dawn and appears more like the DH I knew.

I absolutely believe he is very broken and is going to need a great deal of help to heal. It's a hard concept for a BS,,,,to view their WS as needing healing. But it's one I think I have a clue about (not total understanding, but a clue).

Right now, I think the BEST location for US in terms of recovery will be a nice tropical deserted island,,,,,,,,just the 2 of us.

WHY????

This is what Pep and I can't understand.

This is something YOU HAVE TO GET....

You seem to understand or do you(?) that he is RECOVERING from an ADDICTION as Queenie explains...

For starters, in the beginning, lots of this is NECESSARY..but you two will have to figure out how to LIVE..DAY TO DAY..IRL...

YOU HAVE TO BE READY...

You have to begin right now...

Learning NOT to be RULED by your EMOTIONS...like last night...

I was forewarned too about being READY for RECOVERY but still wasn't prepared for it...

I still recommend for you to send him a SHORT APOLOGY...

((((BUGSY))))

I do understand. I struggle with the 'impression' as a BS in the dark that it was HARDER for him over at HappyHoHouse and before that, than I ever imagined.

As the BS, I have lived with MY PAIN every moment of every day since this started. Due to the excellent teachings of MB, and outstanding folks here, I have 'known' for some time that HE, too has been in pain. Yet, not SEEING that pain for myself and having only heard about it from him 3 days ago, it is yet to seem completely real to me. (I wish there was a better word than 'real', but it's the best I could come up with)

I know how very important this is. I could not have had the conversation I had with him the other night if I had not been here at MB and learned about such things as the WS being in pain, having to go throught recovery from an addition.

Mimi, I can't describe what it was like. It was surreal. I truly know that the Holy Spirit was with me, helping me because afterwards *I* was amazed at how CALM I was. I didn't have the horrible feeling in my stomach that I expected I would have. I wasn't angry when telling him about my pain. I took absolutely no satisfaction from hearing about his pain - - and frankly, I always thought that I would. I am pretty sure he commented on that during our conversation, as he was surprised.

Anway,,,I'm rambling here. What I'm trying to say is that I understand, but my own experience, insecurity, & pain can get in the way. Recognizing that in advance is very important to not letting it happen in the future.

I have been re-reading all of the MB materials in preparation. I've gone back to the Basic Principles and am re-reading SAA. Other suggestions??

BTW - apology sent. "I wanted to apologize. You were right in that such a social setting wasn't a good idea last night. I should have thought of that. One on One sounds good."

I gotta go cook up some side dishes for Ladybugs softball team pool party this afternoon. She has a big surprise waiting - - they just found out they came in 2nd in their league!! whoo hoo!!

GREAT!!! Now it's HIS TURN!!! GOOD WORK!!

Darn! I lost an entire post!!

I forgot to mention that last night he asked me to forward the email with details for Ladybugs pool party today. He was to drop off and I was to pick up.

While I was at church, he emailed, "My car is still in the shop, so I do not have my GPS. Would it be ok if I bring her to you around 4 to make the party?"

I replied that would work & please be sure she brings home tennis shoes so she has them for school this week.

Question - So WHAT he doesn't have GPS? He has internet to access Mapquest OR he could call the coach for directions, he has her number?

This also gets him out of having to come up with the requested 'side dish' and drinks to take for the party.

I was a bit miffed, as I had to rearrange a large part of my day, but I'm glad to have the extra time with Ladybug.

Then, I thought of something else. This gives us the opportunity to see each other that we would not have had with the other arrangement.

So,,,,,,,I'm going up now to iron the Goddess outfit I need to be wearing in an hour. I have Ladybug's dance pics to give him and a prescription I picked up for him for DS last week (he isn't aware I have either of these things).

No GPS in deed...



Honestly, some people can find any excuse to do what they want to do...


Like see someone...



Just like in Jr High...

Harrumphhhh...

Mark

Harrumphhhh, indeed!

Well, it's hard to say what I think now that it's done.

They got here a bit before 4. I had the door and blinds open - something I've only starting doing recently. He got the kids out of the truck, but he stayed in the truck to wait while DSS visited.

Ladybugs was all dressed and ready for the party when she got here. DSS went upstairs to look for something in his room, so I said I'd take some things out to Dad.

I went out with the pictures & presription. He pulled out the pictures and looked at them. We talked about them,,,of course how great they are He asked how much they were. I said I didn't know, it's been a while. He asked if he'd paid me, I said I didn't remember, I'd have to check. He was surprised about the prescription, and seemed pleased that I'd done that.

So, with that said there was no 'reason' for me to stay, so as DSS was taking a while, I said I'd go hurry him up.

That was it. Pretty much a non-event.

Ladybugs made a point to tell me that they are getting the air conditioning fixed in Daddy's car, that's why he has Grandpa's truck. Intersting, because I've never been privy to that kind of information before, and it was virtually the first thing she had to say.

So, it's almost pool party time!

BREADCRUMBS....One itty-bitty step at the time...

Itty-bitty. Darn! I really, really was hoping for some of those giant leaps & bounds! I'm only partly serious about that - while of course I want to move forward sooner rather than later, I do NOT want to skip over any important steps. I don't want to miss any of that NOW, only to have to take steps back later.

So, today is the last day I let Ladybug stay up a bit late and sleep in this morning. Back to school schedule tonight, as her first day back is Wed.

What's anyone's thoughts about telling Drac it would be OK for him to come by for her first day of school? As in meet us at the school (if I take her) or meet us at the bus stop (if she rides the bus)?

Bugs:

About this:


NO. And NO!

Why?

Because it is you in the "mommy" roll and possibly the co-parent.

If he suggests something... MAYBE.

If he just shows UP? Then be a goddess, and thank him for showing up.

But do not suggest it.

You want him to see you as his ideal woman. Not as "mommy"

LG