I agree - OM breaking the NC would push me to expose it, I believe...

Hiya HU:

Normally I skim and pass on your comments, but this one is too juicy to pass up.



Ain't it nice, trusting mate is living with a liar and cheat and doesn't know it. Revenge has nothing to do with honor, ethics, decency, honor and all of those good old words that have to do with character. Of course if you don't have any, it is hard to understand that revenge isn't the motivation. I grok you, too bad you are mentally unable to grok me.

Larry

I hadn't really thought about the children. Newborns are very sensitive of course to the atmosphere around them and would probably pick up on the turmoil. Would that cause any damage emotionally? Our children are a little older and we have been careful shield them from as much of this as possible. And to be honest, the atmosphere around here is considerably better since D'day, than it's been the last few years.

The OMW is a very intelligent, socially and self-aware person very committed to her children so I don't really think she would "lose it" in front of them. But it is a loose canon situation, and could end up depriving a very young child contact with it's father.

I am concerned about the children. But as I said to my wife when I was deciding whether I wanted to do Plan A or Plan D, I don't want to stay together for the children, the children would be best off in an honest, loving home, not one ruled by deceit or where the parents are not in love but only stay together for convenience, appearances or that they feel they should for the children's sake. Who wants to live like that? We had already been living in a state of withdrawal and conflict for some time.

So anyway, I am leaning towards telling her. and it's not all about revenge anymore. Since reading all these posts, I've realised that I don't really want the OM to suffer, to face his deeds, yes, to make restitution to his wife, yes, to grow up? yes. This is painful, but I know that it will be much more painful for his wife. As it is for me. My wife feels bad about hurting me, but that's about it. She's done, ready to get on with rebuilding our marriage, falling in love, living happily ever after. Me? I'm still tortured by the images, questions; moving in and out of feeling ill and guilty and hopeless and ever angry... that anger just below the surface.

So, he won't suffer... I won't get any revenge... but I will force them both to face the truth. The painful truth. Pain, the ultimate teacher. And if they can face it and hold on they will be the better for it. ( I'm talking to myself now I think!)

Revenge would be to move on in to a much better marriage and leave him stuck in his lies and secrets.. and guilt.

thanks,
Tri

No need to apologise, NC hasn't been broken (to my knowledge) the part about the OM telling my wife that his marriage was getting better happened well before NC was instituted.-tri

His children would benefit from their mother knowing the truth. For so many reasons, I don't even know where to start. First off, it would give the OMW the chance you got to work on building a strong marriage. They can't possibly have a strong marriage that is based on fraud and deceit. So, telling her can make the marriage stronger.

It will also enable her to protect herself from her H and your W. She needs to know her H is untrustworthy so she can protect her health and her finances. If her H has cheated before, he may still be cheating. Telling her will give her a heads up that she needs to watch her back.

I realize your main concern is not unneccesarily hurting this woman and i can appreciate that. But be assured the greater danger lies in her continued ignorance. Not knowing prevents her from protecting herself from financial plunder and potential life threatening STDs.

I just had a sobering thought....

Wouldn't my exposing the OM come under the Policy of Joint Agreement? So I couldn't do it without the support of my wife?

We both agreed to follow it.

I feel rather concerned that the OM would contact my wife to tell her I exposed him. I would not only be exposing the OM, but also my wife.

I could explain why I had to do it to her and she would understand (although perhaps still be upset, she has met his wife and would probably be mostly embarrassed – and also very sorry for hurting her.

So wouldn't something that involves her so much come under the Policy?

What would her reaction be? This is not something that I would POJA, simply because it would give your W an opportunity to FOREWARN the OM. That would prevent his W from getting the correct story. I would not stay married to anyone who would want to keep their victim in the dark.

My suggestion would be to make the call and THEN tell her you have done it. If she is really in recovery, she should have no issue with it, since it is only telling truth to her victim. If the OM calls then she would do what she do if he called anyway.

If EP have been taken, OM should not be able to contact your WW. You are doing the right thing for everyone. You are in my prayers.

God's Blessings,

say

Tris

"Back in the day" I was a very scared BS. OM and WW both threatened me with worse outcomes if I exposed to his long term GF.

Mel, pep, Kiwi and others rousted me up to expose just like they are to you.

Me ? I got tired of being controlled by the affair as if *I* had done something wrong.

I decided that if it were OMGF with the info about the affair would I want to know or not ?

I decided that if my recovery was so fragile that doing a righteous thing like telling OM GF what kind of a man the father of her child was would break it, then I could not walk on enough eggshells to sustain a happy life based on that.

I asked myself this question " what would I do if I was not afraid?"

So on a trip to Tescos I called OM GF. I told her everything. I still remember with a shudder the very SECOND that her heart broke.

She thanked me through her tears. We exchanged contact details.

Then I puked in the bushes outside Tescos. It got back to Squid from OM within 5 minutes, and Squid txted me " that's it ! If I can't trust you I will divorce you!" ( Oh the irony!).

OM GF tells me she threw righteous crockery and insults in tears at OM for a couple of hours while he tried to lie and obfuscate out of the well of pain he had dug for them both. His soft lips half convinced her that I was crazy, so I faxed her copies of his "love" letters to Squid.

That was the beginning of the end of the affair.

OM GF and I kept in touch to sync whereabouts and lies for a year. No contact for 3 years now. Not required.

OM GF thanked me for giving her the chance to rebuild her R with OM. They are now happier than they have been for a while. They owe a part of that to ME.

As for ME, I felt myself become a KNIGHT rather than a serf, taking control of my life not being a victim of it.

It helped me plan A, lovingly detach and rebuild our lives all because I did a courageous righteous thing when I was fearful.

Tris what would you do if you were not afraid ?

ROFLMAO! THAT was AWESOME!!!

MS

Oh now this is funny and not unexpected, yes question the messenger instead of the message.

I guess questioing the big picture of keeping a family together for the OM's kids is just too much for a BS like you to understand right Melody? Because I thought the idea of this site and the MB message was to KEEP marriage TOGETHER.

Because you know what I read thread after thread on this site where people want a divorce because they are now a BS's with their kids caught in the middle. Here you and your friends are telling this guy to throw a grenade into the other man's marriage (with kids) for what end in the big picture. What so that you can have yet another BS to preach too? or so that yet another child can watch their parents argue about something that in this case was resolved 2 years ago.

I think you, MelodyLane and others, just like to have people become a BS so you can preach to them.

Look Trisolo if you are outing this guy to stop the affair GO FOR IT. If it is over leave it alone, get on with your life.

Let's see, whose advice would I want?

Hu's, an admitted liar and adulterer who takes to posting as his own wife and can't be honest with his most intimate partner or a bunch of folks who have lived both sides of adultery and come out better for it?

Real tough choice!

*edit*

Tri,

I am facing this very dilemma and have decided to tell OWH. Initially, I wanted to tell for revenge. But I knew that was wrong. And I didn't tell. I felt like it wasn't my place. I made up lots of great reasons not to tell.

But this feeling of necessity has nagged me over the past few months. And I have now come to a point where it is not about revenge. It is about truth. And I will be going to the post office today to send a registered letter to OHW.

Here are the reasons that helped me to decide this:

1. F-WH and OW made the choice to cause pain when they had the A. My staying silent does not protect OWH. Ignorance is dangerous, not bliss. I am NOT the CAUSE of the pain, F-WH and OW are.

2. If the tables were turned, I would want the opportunity to make decisions in my life based on the truth. I would want to know.

3. I am not able to predict the future. The past is a fact. What OWH decides to do with this information is not up to me.

4. I am culpable for my IN-ACTION if I don't tell. In a sense, I am an accomplice.

5. OW's children will survive, as mine are. Again, my telling does not change what the reality is.

I honestly don't think that OWH is going to thank me for this information. He may already know. I don't think that they have a very good M to begin with and he may not want to face the realities like this. But it is something that I feel I need to do for my OWN closure. The loose ends will be tied when this letter is sent.

I am afraid of what OW may do. I don't think that my H is keen on me doing this. But I cannot make decisions based on fear.

Good luck. In the end, I think you have to make the choice for yourself. But if NC has been broken, there is an additional reason to tell.

MS

We are trying to save marriages. But sometimes you have to bring it back to the foundation before you can rebuild. You cannot keep a marriage together if there are secrets hidden within it. Those secrets will fester and eventually cause ruin...even if you think that you have hidden them really well.


The OM did that himself when he f*cked around on his wife. Telling her doesn't change who is ultimately responsible for the problem.


This was not RESOLVED 2 years ago...it was HIDDEN. There is a difference.

MogiSola
A BS who is rebuilding her M because her H had the balls to tell her about his A.

Are you still here?

Funny how you have grown so much as a person, and now are willing to share your great marital advice with the rest of the world. We should all feel very fortunate that you are willing to bless us all with your wisdom, hu.

Is this actually hu...or his wife? Oh, wait...there is no wife...that was just hu pretending to be his wife...forgot.

You're such a *edit*
Anyone who listens to a word this guy/gal (not sure) says is an idiot, *edit ...IMHO.

TELLING the spouse of a cheater is not what makes the spouse a BS...the CHEATER makes the spouse a BS.

I'm sure that a lot of cheaters think they have their spouses completely snowed; but, in truth, the spouse may KNOW that something is not "right" in their marriages and think that something is wrong with themselves.

Your spouse DESERVES to know the TRUTH about HER LIFE, so that SHE can make an informed decision about how she wants to spend the rest of it.

You are STEALING her life from her by not telling her the truth. Another benefit of telling her the truth is that it might be another safeguard against your cheating again, as she will be aware enough to keep her eyes open.

Every day that you don't tell your wife the truth is a day that you treat her with immense disrespect. Your wife is not a child that needs protection from ugly information; and, actually, the only person you are interested in protecting is YOURSELF...because if your wife knows you are a cheater, she might expect you to change some areas of your life. That wouldn't do...because it might interfere with any future cheating opportunities, wouldn't it?

I guarantee that, no matter how well you think you are hiding something from your wife, she KNOWS something is amiss...and she will likely get tired of wondering and actually FIGURE OUT the truth.

Just as I did. And, it would have been better for us both if he had JUST TOLD THE TRUTH FROM THE BEGINNING!


To the original poster: YES, tell the OM's wife. She has a RIGHT to know what has been going on in her life.

"and could end up depriving a very young child contact with it's father."

That's right put everyone else ahead of you. Put their needs before your marriage.

So you advoid doing the best thing to help prevent the PA from restarting.

If OM cared about OMW and their own children OM would of not gone banging your WW.

It is OM's job to protect his family not yours. If his actions hurt them it is his fault. Did you force the OM to bang your WW?
Did you offer your WW up to the OM? You were not involved. You can not be blamed. You did not create the truth. OM and WW did that.

Grow a pair or go by a pair. Stop whining and finding reasons to advoid doing what is right and required.

Hu

I don't remeber your story. I don't need to know it!

"I guess questioing the big picture of keeping a family together for the OM's kids is just too much for a BS like you to understand right Melody? Because I thought the idea of this site and the MB message was to KEEP marriage TOGETHER."

Trisolo's problem is that his job is to protect his own marraige.
By not exposing he is leaving himself and his marriage open to future potential threats from the OM.

Trisolo is at War. He ruefuses to attack because OM's innocent ship mates may die.

So Trisolo is willing to let OM regroup an attack him again allowing his family to be sunk.

You can not support Trisolo and the OM. One has to win. There can be no winner unless there is a loser.

If you did not see this point before your post to meleody. I believe that you chose to ignore it. Either way it points out that you need massive amounts of IC.

Hu,

I have a crazy suggestion for you...but it might just help with your frustration and confusion.

Go here to read the basic concepts:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html

Start with the Policy of Radical Honesty.

You are foggy so it may take some time. Good luck.

Hu,


I'm not ML but I am "Melody" IRL. But whatever...

Keeping the OM's family together? With OM sleeping around, I can guarantee you that his family is NOT together. And I imagine that his wife and kids know this but don't know WHY. Only OM knows WHY. Just like in YOUR family, you're the only one who know WHY your family is broken. And it is broken, until you admit the TRUTH to your wife. A family is not whole if it is based on a lie, current, past or future.

MB IS about keeping marriages TOGETHER. Part of that is helping folks base their marriage on TRUTH. As long as there are lies, deceit or hidden facts, there is no TRUTH and the marriage is DOOMED. The TRUTH will out someday. Someday the choice to be honest may be taken away and out of the WS's hands. THEN it may be too late to BUILD or REBUILD the marriage. Yours or the OM the subject of this thread.