I'm A Brit.

I am not sure who to expose to the main ones I guess are the triathlon crowd that they are both part of, including the OM's landlord. Her family are scared of her, not sure whether that would help. There are other friends but they are very much on the peripherary as her traithlon is everything.

I am very nervous to expose because although I have little to lose at this stage, she goes into the most awful vindictive rages.

Should I expose through e-mail? by phone to a couple of key people? or in person to his landlord and landlady that he rents from (landlady is one of my wife's friends but is a bit of a gossip). They would put a lot of pressure on OM too.

What's best plan of attack?

Do not be shakened by her rages. They are likened to a child who has his favorite toy taken away at bedtime. Or a crack addict in fear of losing their source for a "fix". It's only a bluff to get you to back off. It will get much worse as she starts to see that you are not backing down. Once she realizes she can no longer bluff you she will finally start to come around. Unfortunately this takes time.
Keep doing the Plan A. No love busters or detrimental judgements. Expose, Expose, Expose. If you want to save your marriage you have to be prepared to fight for it. That means enduring her rages, but staying firm. Don't be a doormat. She will not respect you if you just let her run all over you.

Listen to the other posters here, they know what they are talking (posting) about.

Shaken

You need to double scared as a man in Britain. British family law is lagging. Don't forget the men dressed as super heroes protesting and hanging from Parliament. These sad souls are father's who don't get to see their children because Mom's are heavily favored in family court there.

Now, are you a Brit in the States? That's a different story. We have mom bias here as well, but it isn't as bad.

So pull yourself together and set your fear aside or one day you will be wearing a Flash Gordon suit and mask and will have a constable cuffing you because you're hanging off the London Bridge and protesting with the other poor souls who don't get to see their kids and want legal reform and father's rights.

That would be funny if it wasn't true.

So shake off the fear and stop fearing your wife or you and your kids will pay for it.

Believe it or not, immediately after exposure is one time you DO want to see her angry. You are taking away her secret shiny plaything. You're holding it up in public where it looks tawdry and tarnished. She is going to be ANGRY that you ruined her special love affair.

Do NOT tell her you're going to expose.
DO expose to everyone at once.
Send those emails, make those phone calls, and pay those visits - all in one afternoon.

The sooner you expose the better.

The more hateful venom she spews as a result of your exposure, the better. Every time she says
"We had a chance but you've ruined it"
"I hate you"
"I can't trust you at all now" (a personal fave)
"This is nobody else's business"
just put it through your new filter of knowledge so that what you hear is "You are ruining my affair; it's not nearly so fun now that it's no longer secret. Now it looks tarnished and broken and I hate what it looks like. I hate losing my fantasy."

Expose NOW.
Stand up for your marriage NOW.

I think we are making progress!!

After my wife received the e-mail from the OM two days ago that said "Haven't got your cellphone number to text. He keeps ringing me", she sent a reply e-mail stating:

You do not need my cellphone number, I have deleted your too. My husband read you e-mail and that's why he was tring to contact you. I should not have sent you an e-mail (the e-mail was the polite one saying thanks for kicking he butt about getting mher race entry in, with no romantic overtones) and will not be contacting you again. Please do not contact me again and please do not reply to this e-mail.

So the affair is now dead and I believe now has been dead for 4 weeks.

My wife is struggling with finishing the relationship as she misses the friendship and has told me she regrets it ever being physical as she has ruined a good friendship. I believe her.

So I have not exposed her but am convinced the affair is over.

My wife has asked for a bit of space to sort her head out and has moved into the spare room in her words for the time being.
I am happy with this as I need space too to be honest. I guess this will give her the chance to mourn her OM and get it all out of her system.

I has a good nights sleep for the first time in a month. The affair IS over and now how ever it does end up - we have a chance for the future.

To be honest, I haven't really thought past this point as to how we move forward from here.

I think I should continue with the 180 for a while (which as I understand consitutes giving her space) until I get a positive sign from her that she wants to work on our marriage. But what should I do then?

My gut feel is that I need to show her how good our marriage could be but do it slowly. Then see how she responds.

Also any advice as to how I can get through the scars of the affair, whatever the outcome from here (happy marriage or divorce)

Thank you all so much for your advice and support... please keep it coming, you have got me so far already. Hope is returning and I am starting to find a little bit of inner peace.

Beware of her saying she's willing to work on things. Mine said the same and I was divorced within a month. She told me what I needed to hear to lower my guard while she consulted lawyers and set herself up legally.

All I'm saying is be careful.

She may not want to talk to OM, but she is still wayward and may look elsewhere.

That email is a great sign. It was well worded and to the point, showing no consideration for his fragile feelings (puke, puke).

Her desire to move into the guest room, though, is confusing. Usually a "need for space" means "I need some privacy so I can carry on my A" so do keep your eyes open.

I think the 180 is a great place for you to be right now.

Does your wife say she's sorry for the A and wants to work things out in the M, or is she still trying to figure out what she wants?

If she wants to work on the A then ask her to move back into your bedroom, and ask her to read through "Surviving An Affair" with you, and do the questionnaires and share them. Spend time with the book, don't just gloss over it.

If she's still trying to figure out what she wants, she could be going through withdrawal from OM (a necessary stage) or she could still be in the A.

Hey TH, don't cha mean "if she wants to work on the "M" (marriage) as opposed to the "A"?

YIPE!!!!

Can you tell I think that moving to the extra bedroom might mean she's still in the A?


Yes, if she wants to work on the M. The M !!!

She is all over the place!!!...

Now she says she hates me and that we should divorce and split everything 50:50 and share the children. She says I have gone to far for us too ever be a married couple again.

She says I have made her paranoid with my snooping - keylogging her pc, looking at her mobile phone bill etc. She says I am a stalker and a psycho. The fact that she had an affair and then got caught breaking the promise of NC seems irrelevant to her. She thought I had been stalking her all day today (when I was at work as usual).

She also thinks that now I am trying to get my life back together, that in socialising I am trying to win over our friends (which I am not)

She really hates me now.

Now I guess I have three options:

1) Carry on with the 180 (which is freaking her out) and if she wants a divorce then she can kick it off.
2) Start the divorce proceedings myself so I have control (call her bluff and also have the option to name the OM)
3) Expose her (although I do believe the affair is over) and face the wrath and risk her taking me to the cleaners in the divorce courts where I would get a very poor access deal to my children)

Really appreciate your advice again please all...

OK..I have finaly done it.

I have exposed the affair.

To four people at the triathlon club (two of whom the OM lodges with), my parents, and my wife's parents (who are divorced). I told my wife and she freaked out completely - she has told her mum that I had an affair 4 years ago while away on business - which is a complete lie. She is now discrediting me to anyone that knows about the affair. I am so hurt and discussed by her accusations and slander. I have never even looked at another person from the day I first gazed into her beautiful eyes.

I can see no way back from this now, all is lost.

I built my dreams on the foundations of my love for my wife, two beautiful children, a lovely house, good job...and it is all crashing down.

She says she has wanted a divorce for 6 years, she never loved me, I make her feel sick, she is aking up lies about me to tell others (worse she is convincing herself of them).

This is my worst nightmare and more... what do I do?????

Do I wait and try and hang it out while she continues like normal treating me like a doormat. Or maybe she files for divorce?

Or do I start the divorce ball rolling myself?

I still love her so much, but she is SO far away and the jounrey back is very hard and long and she has no thoughts of even trying.

Please give and thoughts or advice, you guys are my life-line.

Keep 180'ing and plan a'ing.

What she is doing is common. Her fantasy world has just gotten a big dose of reality. People now know of her "nice" little secret and she is spewing venom like a spitting cobra on steroids.

All that she is saying is standard wayward fog babble. Lots of the posters here have heard the same thing. Watch her actions and not her words.

She is slandering you in order to save face. She knows that she is wrong, but doesn't want people to see this side of her. So she is trying to do damage control.

Keep doing what you are doing and keep reiterating that you are trying to save your marriage.

This is insane!

We were supposed to be going to a wedding together today and staying overnight. She went on her own and rang to say goodnight to the children then said that I had blown it forever now. She said that yesterday she was ready to give it her all and had phoned the OM to tell him in no uncertain terms it was over. She says I have now blown it as I have trashed her life with her friends by exposing her. I fell for it to start off with and got upset - but now I realise this may just be the wounded animal striking out.

Bit confused on what I should do next...

1)Continue the 180 and ignore her wanting a divorce, refusing to discuss? (Hence assuming that the anger from the exposure needs time to calm down)

2)Continue the 180 and start the divorce process myself? (Taking control and showing her that I really am moving on)

3)anything else?

I really need the advice, as I feel the next step is critical following this extreme anger from the exposure.

Just ignore her anger. Continue to reply to her vicious words with calm words, then change the subject.

You did the right thing my friend.

Just ride out this storm.

Can't believe it..

The xposure has driven her BACK to OM. Her friends are divided some have been harsh others very supprtive of her.

She now feels that as it is all out in the open that this is the time to move on and hence she wants a divorce now.

She has told everyone this.

She has asked OM if he is happy to be named as adulterer to enable for a quickie divorce and he has agreed (so he can get his sticky paws on her quicker no doubt).They are no openly in contact.

She is prepared to split custody 50:50 - which is one blessing.

Over the last few weeks she has got everything lined up:

How to get our house valued, legal advise, started looking for jobs, house hunting for herself.

I now have no choices left do I? I have lost my true love forever now.

Thank you all for the support and guidance yoou have given me, I guess I'll be in the divorcing/divorced forum now

May you all fare better.

It is way to early to throw in the towel. You have just exposed the affair and that takes a while to work. Secret affairs are much more fun than open affairs.

Protect yourself as much as you can financially, and also stall the divorce if you can. Insist on joint custody.

Does she work outside the home? Does OM make good money?

We warned you about what she'd say. It's almost predictalbe. It's amazing how many wayward wives "were on the verge of giving things a chance" when you, the BH blew it through exposure.

Uncanny how often that happens.

Listen, this is typical. Ride out the storm of her anger. You did the right thing.

You're feeling dispair but don't. You grew a pair and did the right things.

She wants divorce? Then let her do all the work for it. Don't make it easy and sure as hell don't agree to 50/50 when she's gone 98% of the time.

Document. You should have filed for abandonment already.

You don't realize this, and I heard it a ton from my family when I was in your shoes: You're holding all the cards yet you can't see it.

Your emotions are getting the best of you right now. It's understandable. I was there. I feared what you fear.

You did the right thing.

the thing is that she is not angry - Quite the contrary!!

She is now clamer and more relaxed than I have seen her in years. She says she is relieved that the message is finally getting through. She is in full contact with OM again and even said that she has arranged other ways of communicating with him. Also that now we are getting divorced that she can see him whenever she likes as it's her business. She is genuinely happy.

I am now in turmoil as I don't know if there is ANY chance of her changing her mind and indeed with the way she is behaving that maybe this would really be the best thing for me to.

Part of my reason for wanting to be with my wife (as well as obviously I still love her) is my fear of having to start again with my life and being alone.

Do I just continue with plan A /180?

Has she moved out? If not, make her.

Have the children been told age appropriately? If not, it should be done.

Your wife needs to start seeing the ramifications of her choices.

Good job you recognized this as the wounded animal striking out. This is the single most common response to exposure.

Absolutely do NOT start the divorce process yourself!
That's like prepping yourself for a surgery you don't want.

Waywards frequently run to the other person following exposure. They're hardly going to come running to the BS, who they perceive as the sole cause for all their unhappiness. You really think she's going to file for divorce and marry this jerk as soon as possible, when only two or three days ago she "had phoned the OM to tell him in no uncertain terms it was over"?

Her affair isn't over, nor has she filed for divorce. She's just having a hissy fit. Let her. This is good. The bigger the reaction, the more impact you've had on her. It shows that she DOES care what people think and that she IS ashamed and embarrassed to have the whole world know what she's doing.

Keep up your 180, and your mantra now is "I'll do whatever it takes to save my marriage." You're doing very well, although it doesn't feel like that right now.