ABSOLUTELY AGREE with LG!

Bugsy, I'm beginning to be concerned about your THINKING now.

Don't do ANYTHING before asking us.

I'm wondering if you are getting FOGGY or something.

LISTEN TO ME VERY CAREFULLY:

DRAC HAS TO MAKE THE NEXT MOVE. YOU GO BACK INTO DARKNESS.

Remember what I said before: IF YOU GET PLACED IN THE MOMMY ROLE NOW, THAT'S WHERE YOU WILL STAY WITH HIM!! He needs to pursue you as a ROMANTIC PARTNER...my opinion..

Dark Thoughts Dark Thoughts Dark Thoughts
Dark Thoughts


Drac? What Drac?

That's why I posted the question. Last year on the first day of school I was just a month into Plan B, and it was hard then not to want to include him in Ladybugs life.

Had the recent events not happened, while the thought would have crossed my mind that he would not be here for her first day, it would not have crossed my mind to offer for him to be there.

As it is on Wed, he will be picking her up for his week day over night. I had forgotten that. We are back to school year schedule. I do need to update the calendar, but I'm not going to do that for him. That would be more Mommy activities.

So, it's darkness until the meeting starts on Thursday. I don't know if he's attending the full day. I will be coming in 'late', as I have to get DD to school in the morning.

BTW - we had a GREAT time at the pool party. The parents are all really great people. We are talking about getting the girls into another league next year, where they play 'full' games and go to different surrounding communities to play. Her coach is checking into it and I think it's a great idea. Ladybugs is very excited about it.

I'm trying to get some work done - but am waiting to hear from Sis and Mom. Mom had her test this morning that was rescheduled from last week.

Ok, I need to finish a proposal and book some airfare.

Side note....

Bugs, does Ladybugs take the bus on a regular basis. If she does, PLEASE put her on the bus to ride to school and then meet her there.

If it's anything like my school, it helps the office out tremendously in figuring out how students get home.

Thanks,

Bugs, I've been concerned that you are going too fast with this. SLOW DOWN.

And listen to Mimi. Post before you do anything and listen to what Mimi and LG tell you.

How come he can't figure this stuff out on his own? Why would it cross your mind to OFFER? What's keeping him from showing up without you OFFERING? How come HE can't OFFER?

Hi Bugs,

...just in case you haven't already heard said enough times... :RollieEyes:

You will need to SLOW DOWN.... and allow Drac to take the LEAD...to help him FEEL like he's the....MAN!

Just a question -

Why doesn't Bugs want to appear in the mommy role? I understand the slow part - don't want him to think that he can come back too quickly or have it look too easy to get back - but I'm a little unclear on the mommy role thing. If he wants to come home, why would that make a difference? She IS the mother of his child, so I'm unclear about this as it relates to recovery.

Mimi, can you offer an explanation?

Chai:

The reason that Bugsy doesn't want to appear in the "mommy" role is because Drac would be estatic to get her to agree to that role.

And NEVER have any reason to move farther along to a romantic relationship.

Sure, we all KNOW that Bugsy is an excellent mommy. DRAC even knows that.

He KNOWS that she is SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT. But he will settle for less, if he can get it. "See, Bugs, I knew we could be friends!" Bleech.

Bugs:

I am not going to be as harsh as to say that you can't make a posting to Drac until you run it by us. I never want to second-guess you. You have the MB skills to fly well by the seat of your pants. And the sitch IS moving fast. I don't want you to think that IF you did something, then you come here and get beat up about it. Or we would argue amongst ourselves about whether it was the right thing to do. LilSis's thread would do that sometimes, and I'm sure it added to her tension. You want this SO MUCH. (Not with Drac, but with H) There is a way to get there. Your on the ground, flying in goddess colors, and trying, !trying! to do it right. We hope to guide you to that goal as best as possible.

LG

PS: When I said your tightrope was a foot off the ground, it wasn't to imply that your walk was easy. Just to say that YOU KNOW and understand your safety area. Your tightrope walking isn't so high in the air that you will get crushed if you make a misstep. Your fortunate in that you just get to dust yourself off and step back on.

(((BUGSY)))

LG

Stay dark, let him see your light in a measured way, and try to avoid

Thanks LG,

I see what you are saying, but not sure I get it totally. I guess my thoughts are that if he misses her and the family, still knows that he loves her and wants to come home (be M again), then why would he just be happy being only friends.

Maybe after this thing unfolds somewhat, I'll eventually get it.

Chai:

This has to do with what we know about DRAC during PLAN A...

He will CAKE-EAT..try to use BUGSY for the MOMMY stuff and then find himself a HO...

WE want him to FEEL THE PAIN of losing ALL of BUGS...RIGHT NOW...he has to SUFFER in order to be motivated to work on RECOVERY..if she MEETS any of his NEEDS then she EASES his SUFFERING and he is LESS MOTIVATED, having his CAKE...

I answered quickly...may have more time later...

She CAN be in the MOMMY ROLE with him IF..they reconcile..OR IF she decides NOT to RECONCILE...

Right now, WE WANT HER TO APPEAL TO HIM AS A ROMANTIC PARTNER..HIS ONLY ROMANTIC PARTNER...and he REMAINS HIGHLY ATTRACTED TO HER...from what we know about Bugsy's PLAN A...We want him to FALL IN LOVE with her again....like at the very beginning of a NEW RELATIONSHIP...

She does not want to be his FRIEND..she wants to be his WIFE...that's the FIRST STEP...

Chai,

It's a bit too early to say that Drac wants The Total Package - Bugs, Family, COMMITMENT, WORK WORK WORK on the marriage, etc.

Remember some of his comments the other night. He is no totally out of the fog and he certainly hasn't begun the real path of recovery. There's a lot of work yet to do.

If I would ease his pain on the parenting thing,,,,be a cooperative co-parent, a friend he can call for help, friendly & flirty - - - he'd be happy to take that and stay out in the world playing the field. He could have me meeting MOST of his ENs AND play the field for others at the same time.

In other words, he would go back to being a cake eater.

Despite some of the hurtful things he said to me about my R with DSS, he KNOWS I am a great Mom to BOTH kids. That's not what the focus of our recovery needs to be about.

It needs to be about HIM wanting ME in a new committed realtionship. Not just as the mother to his kids.

Does that help?

LG,


I know with all of my heart this is where everyone is coming from and I can never thank you all enough.

Yes, it's a bit difficult at times when I seem to have 'messed up', but that's ok.


I appreciate the vote of confidence!!


Thanks,,, I 'get it'.

It's been a dark day. I was mistakenly copied on an email that was also addressed to Drac today. I did nothing with it other than hit delete so I wasn't staring at his name in my In Box.

Drac's Aunt called today to catch up. Ladybug went to visit her while they were at FIL's. We didn't talk about Drac other than she mentioned she asked his dad what was up with the visit from him, was he 'needing' something from FIL again? That question stems from FIL's comment to her a while back that the only time he sees Drac is when he wants something. That made me sad to hear.

Drac did some mowing for FIL while he was there, something he hasn't done for a long time. I was glad. FIL said that Drac wants him to move closer to where we live now. FIL is having none of that. Nothing new there.

This weekend is when Drac's family (cousins/Aunt/Uncle) are coming up for a pool party with me & the kids. I know they are all really looking forward to it, as am I. It will be interesting to see what, if any, reaction there is from Drac. During HappyHo times, he was ADAMANT that he did not like them still seeing me, talking to me, inviting me to family events. This may give us some insight if there is really change???

Tonight Ladybug and I will be pulling weeds in the backyard and doing things to be ready for the weekend. Which will probably end up being Bugs pulling weeds while Ladybugs swims! ha!

Mimi,

We were cross posting but saying the same thing!!


Ahhhh,,,,, it feels good to know I've not totally lost my MB Goddess Powers!

GIRL, I'm about to pass my BATON to you!! YOU HAVE SOOOOO GOT IT!!

Thanks guys,

I think I'm getting it now.....

Where are you all finding the cool icons?

Thanks, Mimi!

I have my hands full enough right now with 'normal' life and this potential opportunity called recovery. I couldn't hold that baton if i wanted to! I'm a long way off from having the total MB skills/knowledge to carry it. Maybe someday.

I'd like to think I will be qualified to handle as a Goddess In a Recovered/New Marriage. Time will tell.

I'm loving the new emoticons!!

I think this is my favorite -

These all seem appropriate before asking this question -

What do ya think Drac might think when Ladybugs gets her gift package from MCD? He called this morning to let me know it's being delivered tomorrow morning.

Chai,

When you reply, look at the tool bar right above. See the smile face? Click once and look what you can find! ha!

Morning!

I had a nice evening with Ladybug last night. A bit of shopping, a bit of playing, and an early night as we are prepping for the regular school schedule that starts tonight.

She called Drac as usual, but got vm. When he called back, she was sitting on my lap and didn't get up. Since Plan B started last year, I always make a point to be in another part of the house when the kids talk to him on the phone. Usually, she loves to walk around & talk on the phone. Last night, she stayed put on my lap and I let her.

I'll be honest, apparently I was looking for a 'fix' of Drac exposure myself. It was good to hear his voice & how he talked to Ladybug. Very loving. Very supportive & encouraging talking to her about her softball success.

Interesting that he told her in detail about having to go to Chicago. He told her that he had to go there to bring back a truck for work and that he was leaving at midnight last night. A lot of detail about something that doesn't really impact her at all, she really had no reason to know that information. In fact, if he had not told her about it she would never have known about it.

Obviously, this kind of thing gets me to thinking. Not too much, but a bit. Perhaps I'm not seen totally in the "Mommy" role - as he did not contact me about having DSS last night. I'm sure DSS stayed with the employee/neighbor family down the street.

So, it could be the 'keeping Bugs totallyoutta my life and handling it on my own' scenario or it could be not putting Bugs totally in the Mommy role scenario.

No way to really know. So, no more brain cells will be exhausted on that debate. I thought about it, am owning up to that, and moving on.

Shower time,,,it's been nice & cool here in the evening so good sleeping weather with the windows open! Of course, as I usually sleep BEST between 4 am and now, I overslept a bit!!

Hey Bugs --
I'm baaaack! (was gone for a long weekend....not sure you noticed, but I seem to have missed out on some developments!)

Anyways.....I think everyone is right, that you need to go dark again. Pull away and let him chase.

I think what brought a LOT of this on was seeing you at Ladybugs game with another man. This gave him a panic-attack that you might soon be out of reach...and that is what made him start chasing.

This is a marathon -- keep your pace. Don't slow down.
Drac is sprinting then resting, sprinting then resting.
Let him find the pace. Let him feel like you are still pulling away from him.

I'm glad Ladybugs has a gift coming from MCD. I hope its something she is really excited about and tells Drac all about it.

Don't make this too easy for him. Let him sweat a little.

He MUST make the next move.

Bugsy:

What about this:


Why wouldn't he? I know, why would a 7 year old care?

But he was talking to his daughter, and after she told him all about her day, he told her about his. Didn't you tell Ladybugs about your day?

HE may be Drac, but he is a father. And not a bad one from your earlier statements prior to his Ho-down.

You can be DARK to him. But realizing that he IS doing better with Ladybugs is a good thing. It means that the H you once knew is returning.

Let him Sprint, then rest. Sprint, then rest. Eventually, maybe, he will fall into step with you.

LG