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About 2 weeks ago wife said she was unhappy, didnt love me and wanted divorce. Gave me most the usual reasons, grown apart married young.

Today I discovered she is having a phone/text affair. I confronted her and she said it was flirting and they had sent pictures. After further questioning she agreed it was an emotional affair. I have good evidence that phone sex was also involved.

At what point to I expose? To whom?

Do I exposed to OM's Wife??

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Welcome to MB, sorry you find yourself in need of posting a question like this...have been there myself and it does suck.

My input--

Yes, you expose to OMs wife. She deserves to know -- wouldn't you want her to tell you if she had been the one to find out first?

Expect your wife to be angry at you for "hurting" the OM -- for "ruining" his marriage (ironic, I know), for being mean and vengeful. Let it roll off your back. She is most likely still attached to him (what she thought they had) and will act in his defense and her own self-preservation.

You further need to expose to anyone who can be helpful in ending the affair and act as a source of encouragement to keep her from slipping back into it again.

I think you need to have some measure of exposure to serve as some accountability for her and to have someone else (not you) as a source of encouragement for her to work on your marriage and not run away into another EA or PA.

Are you sure there was no physical contact between them? I guess it would be hard to imagine her wanting to leave based solely on an EA, but stranger things have happened.

Hang in there, BFRH -- there is a lot of wisdom in some of the posters here and they will have more "authoritative" advice than my inexperience.

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Expose OMW and WW's parents. How did WW and OM meet?

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bf, after you expose the affair, I would suggest having a meeting with the OM FACE TO FACE, if you can. Ask him what his intentions are with your wife. Tell him if he does not leave her alone, he will have the fight of his life. You will drag him into court to give testimony about his adultery with your wife in any legal proceedings. Make him as uncomfortable as you can.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Do you have kids?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Where does OM live? Is he near your place, or is it a long distance thing?

If he is in your vicinity and your WW is talking divorce, chances are the A didn't stop at texting/phone sex.

Sucks to hear, I know...but WS's usually only admit to what they have been caught doing (even with their hand in the cookie jar, they still deny). You need to do some more P.I. work, IMHO. You will find out more details, and more facts as you do...and, brace yourself...it isn't going to be easy.

Sorry you find yourself here.

Last edited by introvert; 08/12/08 08:57 AM. Reason: sp

"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth"

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They met online. He lives in Texas and we are in San Jose.
I dont think they have had PA but he travels for work so He could have come here or they couldve planned on it.

He has a wife and small girl. We have 3 kids 8,7, and 5.

Do I expose even if my wife agrees to no contact?

Last edited by Bigfatredhead; 08/12/08 09:00 AM.
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And you live.....?

...oh, missed your edit.

Last edited by introvert; 08/12/08 09:01 AM.

"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth"

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Sorry about that...san jose CA

Last edited by Bigfatredhead; 08/12/08 09:01 AM.
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Originally Posted by Bigfatredhead
They met online. He lives in Texas and we are in San Jose.
I dont think they have had PA but he travels for work so He could have come here or they couldve planned on it.

He has a wife and small girl. We have 3 kids 8,7, and 5.

Do I expose even if my wife agrees to no contact?


Your wife cannot be trusted at this point in time. And, your #1 job is to protect your family from some lowlife OM. With that said...yes, expose him for the dirtbag he is.


"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth"

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Originally Posted by Bigfatredhead
They met online. He lives in Texas and we are in San Jose.
I dont think they have had PA but he travels for work so He could have come here or they couldve planned on it.

He has a wife and small girl. We have 3 kids 8,7, and 5.

Do I expose even if my wife agrees to no contact?

Absolutely you expose to her! I would do it first thing and not warn your wife you are going to do it. The affair is much more likely to DIE if both ppl are watching from both ends. Secondly, his wife needs to know so can protect herself.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I guess my dilemma is this, if I cannot get my wife to admit to phone sex and sending naked pictures. Do I exposes for it possibly being just flirting?

I don't know anything that was actually said or sent. I cant get a hold of her phone (she has kept it so guarded) and Im sure everything is erased by now. So all I have to go on is phone records and her her saying it was an EA.

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Is there any way that you could access her phone account through her phone provider's website? You could do some more digging there, if it's possible.

If you wife is serious about ending the A, and having no contact...she should be more than willing to let you access her cell phone at your leisure. If she is still guarding the phone...she's still in the A, and her promise for NC is a lie.

Expose now !!!!!!


"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth"

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You're still here?

You should be on the phone with OMW.

Do it now !!!!!


"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth"

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Originally Posted by Bigfatredhead
I guess my dilemma is this, if I cannot get my wife to admit to phone sex and sending naked pictures. Do I exposes for it possibly being just flirting?

No, your wife's admission is irrelevant. Tell the OMW that this is an affair and tell her what you know and suspect. You KNOW it is an affair and your W has told you this. It is not just mere flirting.

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So all I have to go on is phone records and her her saying it was an EA.

Thats just fine. Tell the OMW everything you know. Give her your name and # and ask her to work with you to end the affair. You can compare notes with her and find out if he has traveled to your town.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Just talked to WW. She is going to get our cell phones separated so I cant see her account. I asked her for NC she said she wasnt sure which means NO.

Im talking to a lawyer this morning. I will talk to WW more this afternoon. If I get no concession or budging I will start the exposure.

I def believed I should exposes OMW regardless of what WW does. But if she is willing to do Plan A then I will hold off on exposing to family and friends.

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Originally Posted by Bigfatredhead
Just talked to WW. She is going to get our cell phones separated so I cant see her account. I asked her for NC she said she wasnt sure which means NO.

Im talking to a lawyer this morning. I will talk to WW more this afternoon. If I get no concession or budging I will start the exposure.

I def believed I should exposes OMW regardless of what WW does. But if she is willing to do Plan A then I will hold off on exposing to family and friends.

BF, Plan A is NOT for her, it is for YOU, to be worked ALONE. She should never hear the term Plan A or plan B. Part of plan A is EXPOSURE of the affair.

You should expose to the OMW before you do anything. There is no need to contact a lawyer yet before you try to kill her affair. We have had affairs end the DAY they were exposed to the OP's spouse. At the very least, it will cause huge conflict in the affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Bigfatredhead
Just talked to WW. She is going to get our cell phones separated so I cant see her account. I asked her for NC she said she wasnt sure which means NO.

Im talking to a lawyer this morning. I will talk to WW more this afternoon. If I get no concession or budging I will start the exposure.

I def believed I should exposes OMW regardless of what WW does. But if she is willing to do Plan A then I will hold off on exposing to family and friends.


She is still having an affair.

Why are you letting her dictate what you should or shouldn't be doing? She already has one foot out the door, and you are going to let her decide whether or not you expose? You are going to let your future, and your children's future rest in the hands of a cheating wife and mother? If you do this, you are wasting your time.

Don't even think about telling your WW that you are going to do plan A, or even what plan A means...just do it. Plan A starts with exposure!!!!!

Look, I know this sucks...BTDT. But you gotta take charge of this, and letting her decide what happens next is only going to have one outcome........more affair.





"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth"

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Any advice and how to contact OMW. I think I know her name based on his myspace.

Tried some search tools and came up with many numbers matching his name and 1 matching hers, but none of his match hers.

Anyway to search marriage records So I could be sure of her name?

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