Thanks Bugs.. SD.. I appreciate the empathy..

Random Acts Of Kindness..

Well.. that and my urge to 'do' something led me to the email box.

I didn't email WW.. instead I sent an email to FIL, SIL, and DSD's grandparents, thanking them for their love and kindness that they have shown throughout the last 4 years that they have been my 'family'.

It appeases my need to 'do' something about my anniversary, and it also included some things I've been needing to say to some very special people in my life.

The nice thing about it though, is that there's absolutely no expectations attached to it, so no dissapointments as a result. A simple expression of thanks and love for some special people who shared a special day, and 4 years as my family.

I already know tomorrow is going to be HARD for me.. but it's going to be a busy one with DD and DS.. we have a family photo scheduled, as well as DD's birthday pictures (only a month late but she wanted them w/o braces on).. That'll probably trigger me a little.. but I know I'll get through it.

My little man cleaned up at the ticket games at Chuck E Cheese tonight.. so it was a good time.. finally got him settled and he's crashed out on my couch right now, waiting for me to carry him up to bed.. he's such a great little guy.

I'm truly blessed to be his Dad..

I couldn't have said it better,,,yes this is the hope,,,and if we have hope we have life and you can't know joy without pain. Hang in their buddy,,,,were all here

Thanks so much for this... I really needed it today.


Big hugs and thanks to all my MB friends.

A lot of the courage to keep taking steps forward comes from you fine men and women.. Your influence in my life, and the fact that I'm LIVING it to the fullest TODAY.. cannot be understated.

Most excellent.

James, you have come so far and have figured out so much. I see you giving good advice to people with really good insight. You're a good man and a good dad, and much better things are ahead for you.

awwww

Thanks you two..

I hope like heck I've learned at least -enough- to never have to go through the last year of my life again.

I hope I've learned enough to never fall into those same patterns I fell into before of complacency and taking my wife and children for granted.

I hope that I've learned enough to trust God and know His voice to lead me rather than the voice of the world around me.

I hope that I've learned enough that I can pass it along to DD, DS, and maybe someday DSD, just what it means to love, care for, and be in a healthy relationship.

I hope that I've learned enough to someday be able to totally forgive my wife.

I hope that I've learned enough to someday be able to totally forgive myself.

I pray that God's saving a miracle for me like He socked one back for Bugsy.. but I also pray that if that isn't His plan that I'll be able to accept that and do what He needs me to do.

I hope that I won't always be a porcupine, with the sharp prickly bits up to protect myself from anyone who gets too close..

I hope I learn to trust and love again..

I hope it's with my wife and the mother of my children..

I hope that I never lose hope.. because it, and the little bit of time I get with my kids, is all I have right now.

I hope the Phoenix and Cross tattoo I plan on getting after the D is final doesn't cost too much.. 'cause dang.. I'm struggling these days.. but it's important to me.. for whatever reason.


I hope at least that last bit made someone laugh.

Hope isn't all you have, you have G-d and that's the MOST of all.

As for the tatoo, I warmly smiled b/c I am thinking I want to do the same thing, just not sure what.

All the other things, are from my heart as well. I love when you post about your thoughts, feelings, etc. They almost mirror my heart and growth.

You are the BEST dude.

James,

Queenie is right, hope is not all you have. And, if I might add a sales book line - Hope is not a strategy. You have learned here that having a strategy is key to survivial and then to thriving.

The kids told me Drac just got a tattoo. I think it's hidden under his watch while at work, I haven't seen it. He's always wanted one, but not what he got.

I've thought off & on about a tatoo,,,I just worry about what it will look like when I'm old(er). Ladybugs told me the other day that I should get my belly button pierced!! LOL!

Well.. I kinda figured I'd probably need to explain the tattoo.. not what I'm getting a tattoo of mind you.. I think a Phoenix mixed with a Cross is pretty self explanatory to most BS's here..

I'm most certainly a Christian, but that doesn't mean I haven't explored as many world religions and cultures from an academic viewpoint with an almost childlike fascination.

Body art.. tattoos, piercings, brandings etc are very prevalent throughout many cultures, but carry the same significance among most.. it's a visual representation of a major life event/change/rite of passage..

I think what we, as BS's go through qualifies.. and for me, personally at least.. it has been profound enough that I WANT something on my body that will NEVER let me forget the lessons I've learned..

Besides.. my drummer is one heck of an artist..



I just have to figure out where I want it.. I'm thinking over my heart.. but we'll see.. it'd certainly carry quite a significance there... very painful place to get a tat though, or so I'm told... though the physical pain to get it done will also be symbolic IMO..

As for having a strategy..

I have a plan for how I'm going to present my case in court.

I have a plan for how I'm going to be able to manage my money given the different possible outcomes I'm aware of.


But a strategy?

I dunno.. it -feels- like my life is in limbo right now, just waiting for a guy in a black dress to tell me what the next 14 years are going to be like..

Hard to have a strategy right now.. unless it's anything beyond getting out of bed tomorrow and doing the best I can.

LOL,,you made me laugh
(I got 3 tats I have never regretted any of them)

I once believed that tatoos were low class and that they were ugly. For obvious reasons as a Jew I hated tatoos as well. But I have to say, I have thought about getting a tatoo recently to reflect this journey of mine. I just don't know what I want either.

So keep us posted how this happens, I am very curious.

I'll certainly keep you updated on the tattoo.. we'll see how that goes, not really at the forefront of my mind these days though.


Had a pretty good, if exhausting weekend with the kids. DD, DS, and I went to the community pool on Saturday and spent the day splashing around, going on the 'lazy river' and generally running out all of our pent up energy and getting a little too much sun in the process. Despite having the SPF 50 armor on we all ended up a little pink, though DD and I ended up looking more like boiled lobsters than DS did.. of course we are envious of the nice base tan his 1/4 Thai heritage benefits him with :P.

Sunday DD, DS, and I hooked up with DD's godmother, her husband and children and we spent the day at the park, walked nature trails, and went to a car show before WW came to pick DS up. They apparently left to pick up DSD from her grandparents in the next state over afterwards. The exchange was uneventful for the most part, though DS did fuss a bit about having to leave again.. it wasn't anything like the fit he threw the last week he was here, which is a good thing.. I think it had more to do with me running him out of gas this weekend than anything else though. Still.. it's tough having to cut off the fun on Sunday afternoon.. and having to give the answer to the 'Why can't we just stay a little bit longer daddy!??? I don't wanna go.. ' with 'Well lil man.. we've got to get home and get your stuff together.. Mommy's coming to pick you up in a half hour'... I just hate it for him as he ends up losing out on time that we all OUGHT to be spending together as a family.. not rushing our lives to make it home so that she doesn't have a gripe against me in court.. *ugh*.. this adultery/divorce crap SUCKS!..

Got an email on Sunday from DSD's grandma.. this weekend was DSD's grandfather's retirement party.. and apparently DSD's biological father dropped in unannounced and uninvited.. first time he's seen or talked to her in almost 5 years now.. and I guess from the limited information in the email there was some drama. Please keep DSD in your prayers friends.. I know it must have been horribly difficult on her to see her father after all this time.. and doubly confusing given what she's already going through in her life.

I know that everything with DSD and the drama this weekend has put a great deal of stress on the grandparents relationship.. so I ask those that pray to pray for them as well, and give them the strength to seek eachother and God through all of this. They truly are two of the most wonderful people I've had the pleasure to meet, and have served as a beautiful example of what loving, caring, and patient parents can be.. I hurt for them, and pray that they will find good in the midst of their troubles today.

Well.. back to work, got a lot to get done this week. I'll try to catch up on everyone elses sitch as time permits, but I imagine it'll be pretty slow going.

Oh.. BTW.. GO PHELPS!.. really hoping that guy gets his Olympic dream.. such great stories this year behind the athletes.. very inspiring to see what people can do with their lives, and the faith that many of them hold. Go team USA!

James,

The rough patches of exchange not withstanding, it sounds like a good weekend. You control only the time you have with DS, and you made it good for all of you. That's what counts.

I'll be praying for DSD and her grandparents. While you truly have no way to know what's going on with her bio dad, I know it's hard not to speculate and worry. However, how about keeping positive thoughts, such as maybe he's had a cranial/rectal removal procedure and it ready to step up to the plate for her? All things are possible.

BTW- I saw Drac's tat yesterday. The design is ok, but the actual work isn't good,,,heck it already needs fill in where they did a poor job. While I know it's a while off for you, please be sure to research the artist and check out their work before letting them start on you!

Have a great week!

Yeah.. the week and weekend with the kids was really great. While I know that I need the downtime as well, it's been almost a year and I still don't quite know what to do with myself when DS isn't around. DD pretty much amuses herself, and is going to have school and sports to focus on again here soon.. so I end up with a lot of free time on my hands.

Y'all know what happens when a BS has free time to let his thoughts wander right?.. well.. I try watching the Olympics.. try watching a movie.. try cleaning the house.. at every turn there's a reminder..

Still standing, hoping, and praying.. but at the same time doing what I need to do to try and protect DS.. clearing the last few hurdles before mediation and the final court stuff can progress, and I imagine soon enough I'll have a picture of just how much longer I'll be married..

So the anxiety is ramping up again.. feels different this time though.. sometimes I just long for a resolution so that there isn't so much uncertainty in my life.. other times it feels like I'm hanging on to something that isn't really there.



With God, all things are possible. I can hope and pray that it will jumpstart something within him, however history shows that to be very unlikely. Part of the drama with DSD's grandfather started with him pulling his 'poor pitiful me' act after most of the guests and DSD had gone to bed.. it turned out pretty ugly it seems.. so please keep praying, and thank you to those who already are.

James,

I know what you are saying, it does become difficult to fill the 'time' doesn't it? And I find that the worse I am feeling, the harder it is. There's always "something" to do, but I end up not feeling like doing any of it.

At those times, I go back to things that used to occupy my time & give me some type of personal satisfaction. It doesn't always work, but it's a start. I then end up getting enough of a jolt to get back on track.

About DSD's bio-dad. Refer to my sig line.

Have a great day!

Heh Bugsy.. you keep pointing me to your sig line..

Bugsmom's momma is one smart cookie for sure..

Nope, you can't fix stupid.. but I still believe people can learn and grow.. even the Drac's, SCQ's and Ice Queens of the world..

Still praying and keeping the faith. Been receiving these prayer by mail things from a (I believe) Catholic church in Oklahoma.. not sure how I ended up on their mailing list, but the mails and inspirations have always come at just the right time during my stand.

Still feel like God wants me to keep my foot in the door, at least for now, and I need to be obedient.

So.. the emoticon for today...




Some businesslike emails from me to the Ice Queen.. trying to arrange for a weekend swap around the end of September, beginning of October.. no real triggers, but it is the first contact I've initiated in months..

She's been occasionally poking with the stick to see if I'm still here.. Sunday night she called complaining about some scratches DS picked up rolling up and down a hill at the park.. said he complained about it in the shower (probably moreso because he was mildly sunburnt from our Saturday at the pool despite the SPF 50 armor I put on the kids.. we're all a bit pink).. triggered and worried me that she called about it.. I take my son being hurt very seriously.. but honestly, as mild as she later described the scratches.. and having spoken to my friend whose kids were also rolling up and down that hill with him.. it's seriously a very minor thing.. I think she's poking again just to see how I'll react..

Not letting her get to me..

hugs, prayers, and love to all my MB Amigos and pals.

Hey James. I was wondering if your attorney has given you a good reason why the custody issue has not been resolved or brought before a judge. This is something that should have been dealt with already. For a small town you seem to be dealing with some VERY UNUSUAL time delays.

So, what's the hold-up?

Not going to get too far into strategy here MEDC.. What it ultimately boils down to is that the court is hoping (IMO in vain) that we can settle the custody thing at the same mediation session we're trying to schedule for the property/debt thing. I get the impression from my Atty that the judge really doesn't want to see us in court again if at all possible.

I'll put my offer in front of the mediator.. if she says no, then we're off to court. If she says yes.. then we don't see a courtroom agian and DS spends a lot more time with his dad.

I don't expect she'll agree to it.. to her it's seriously a money grab, and she'll be losing over 10K/year if she agrees.

Nevermind that DS would be much better off..

It's just shocking that even the mediation isn't scheduled yet.

I understand you keeping some things close to the vest.