Hi! I'm brand spanking new to this, so bear with me if I'm in the wrong discussion and spell things out (haven't figured out the acronyms yet).

I'm a 48-year-old professional woman, married for 22 years Sept. '08 with a 30-year-old son, daughter-in-law, almost two-year-old grandson, and an 18-year-old son entering college. I have three siblings, all married with adult chilren, and my husband is one of six kids who are all married with kids, too.

My mother-in-law (MIL) remarried 10 years ago after my "real" father-in-law passed away. She married a guy confined to a wheelchair who is totally dependent on her for his activities of daily living (bathing, feeding, toileting, etc.). This guy came with his own excess baggage in the form of a spoiled brat daugher who's had nothing but the best her entire life and is used to people giving in to her every whim. The evil stepchild was 23 when they married, and is thus 34 and about to be married.

My inlaws never posed a problem until this guy came into the picture. We would all get together for occasional events, but nothing was ever overdone or overtly expected of us. Everybody pretty much stayed to themselves, both on my side and my husband's (and they still do on my side of the family). With so many in the families, it's hard to please everyone by saying yes to every event. And we've always been able to count on each other in times of need.

My problems began when my husband and younger son went away for a long weekend to his mother's lake cottage. This was about 8-9 years ago and the MIL, her hubby and the "evil one" were there as well. My H and the evil one decided to take off on a walk around the lake, leaving our son behind with my MIL. For some reason, our son didn't know his dad left, only that he was "missing" for roughly six hours. Apparently, they left right after lunch and did not return until dinner.

I didn't know about this "walk" until 18 months after it happened, when the evil one declared at CHristmastime what a "wonderful time we had, getting to know each other so, so, well. It was an experience I'll never forget." Talk about a jaw dropper, not just for me, but for my two nieces and two sons who slowly looked at each of us, waiting for a reaction. I looked back to what I was doing and ignored the comment. She kept it up, with more sappy drivel about their walk.

It was later, when alone with my husband, when I asked him what "that" was all about. Of course the answer was 'nothing.' I later asked my younger son, who was at the lake with my H, what he knew. He told me how he needed his dad for something and looked and looked for him, only to be told by his grandmother that Dad was off with 'evil one.'

While still at my MIL's for Xmas, evil one and my H began cavorting about together all over the house, carrying on like two giddy teens. My H was about 42, she 25. I kid you not when they were just about getting it on with their clothes on. I was completely ignored when I tried to engage in their conversations with my H turning his back on me. She'd sit next to him on the couch with her hand draped over his shoulder closest to her and her knees tucked up so they rested on his leg. Get the idea?

Their display did not go unnoticed by our kids and nieces. My oldest came up to me and asked me what was going on between them and a few days after arriving back home, my sister-in-law called to ask what her daughter (my niece) was talking about that happened between her uncle and the evil one. It was all that obvious but of course my MIL thought it was just swell that her precious eldest son was being so friendly and welcoming to hubby's little princess.

This was only the beginning. After getting all aroused by their exchanges, my H came to me at bedtime "wanting it." I rebuked his advances and he wanted to know why so I told him how humiliated his actions made me feel and that I was not having sex with him while he was all fired up because of her. He was mad that I accused him of this behavior, threw water at me, and while we were arguing about his antics he blurted out that he had no recourse but to "take off" with her at the lake because I was his wife, but no where to be found and "what was he supposed to do?"

Mind you, I was back home packing up our belongings because we were moving into a new house the week after.

He claims nothing happened between them on their hike, but I do not believe him because the carrying on between them continued for about another year, whenever they saw each other. When I originally asked him about them having sex, he hesitated in his reply then said "No, I did not ***k her." To me, his hesitation and specific wording implied they did something else. To this day I do not believe him, but we managed to move on from there until the past two and a half years. That's when the rest of his family enters in the picture.

THey have gone out of their way to make the evil one a part of every single family event. Normally I'm able to get along with most people but I do not like having someone shoved down my throat and being told you must like them, especially when I have a history with said person, like the evil one. I call her evil because she reminds me of a Biblical Jezebel who was constantly chasing my H, being very seductive in her mannerisms (i.e. her replay of the Sharon Stone leg-crossing scene) and her sexy talk with him -- in front of me.

Because I do not like this person and my H's family knows it, they now all hate me, will not call our house (call my husband on his cell or at work when they know I'm not around), invite him only to events (like this bimbo's upcoming nuptials -- yup, I am NOT invited) and more.

Our latest argument around all of this had to do with my being upset over not getting invited to her wedding (even though I wouldn't go anyway) and my H being totally okay with this. When I brought up how I thought he ought to back me up by saying something to the effect of "Well, if you're not inviting my wife, then I'm sorry, but I can't come...I will not disrespect her."

He thought I was off the flipping wall at the suggestion and instead told me that he would not disrespect HIS MOTHER because the evil one is, after all, her husband's daughter. And what's been happening for the past few years, is that every little thing his mother wants, she gets. Because her husband is virtually useless, she relies on others to do stuff for her, even though they have tons of money and can afford to hire people to do for them. My H drove 3 hours, one way, to her house so he could take her shopping for a new recliner. ANd yup, the idiot paid for it, too, without talking to me about it first. (Doens't that violate the POJA???) Not to mention it cost is $125 in gas for him to go up and back to her house.

I know this post is extremely long and there's so much more I could write about. Any help or suggestions would BE GREATLY APPRECIATED!! I've read everything on the MB website before joining and posting. I could relate to the Love BUsters, the Giver/Taker (ironically, it's my MIL), and the Three States of Mind in Marriage. At this point, my H thinks all is hunky-dory just as long as he gets to make mommy happy and gets his sex, but I'm at the withdrawal phase and feeling emotionally devoid in this. I feel like giving up and letting his family have him back so he doesn't have to feel guilty for not being there for his mother the way she (and his 3 sisters) want him to be.

I reminded him that when I said "I do," it was to him and not his family and that we started "our" family 22 years ago.

Wow. Your story rivals mine for incredibility.

First, I know you're angry, but your post is FULL of venom for everyone else except yourself. Might want to look at that, because there's plenty in there that could have been handled differently, such as following MB principles to resolve things. That's called DJ, or disrespectful judgment, in which you tear down someone else. While it may feel good, it doesn't get you one inch closer to resolution.

Second, sure, read up here, find out what Love Busters you do to your H, and stop them. After a couple weeks, find out what his Emotional Needs are and start supplying them. Don't do ENs until you have stopped all your LBs, or it won't matter; he'll still be unhappy with you.

Third, find a good counselor (IC) to go to, to learn better relationship skills so that when such things happen, you have a productive way of dealing with them instead of getting mad at each other. In other words, be smarter. Take the high road, and you'll have a better chance at getting what you want.

Personally, the only thing I see I'd want if I was you is to have your H respect you and choose you over his family, as he should. All the rest of that stuff would fall by the wayside if you achieved that. But that requires a lot of communication, a lot of LB/EN work, and focus on creating a good marriage that he'll want to defend. And since you're the one here, it'll have to be you doing the work, at least for now.

Hey catperson, I kinda figured you'd be the first one to reply.

I did read everything the MB website has to offer; even took copius notes. What I blathered on about in that first-ever posting is only the surface.

As I read through MB's Love Busters I had many a chuckle to myself with what we both do to each other. Throughout our marriage I have always -- and I stress always -- put him and our kids before everyone else. When I want to do something on my own, like go shopping with my sister, I've gone the POJA route and asked if my going somewhere would be okay with him. Not that I sought permission, but I'd never make plans without considering that there was maybe something he needed to do or wanted to do together as a family, etc. I've tried to be considerate of his needs and the boys'. Ditto when I've wanted to make a purchase of something out of the ordinary -- like a GPS system or an iPod, even cheaper stuff.

Flip the roles now. He will make plans with his family, solidfy them, and then TELL me he's doing such and such. To give him credit, when he wants to go with the guys, he will ask me about it first. Again, not seeking permission, just being considerate. So as far as that goes, I cannot -- and do not -- complain.

Most all of our problems are rooted in his FOO. (I like that acronym!) ALL the stops get pulled out when it comes to them. As I said in my original post, the contact him everywhere else but at our house. This is to avoid the chance that I might answer the phone. I think that came about from his youngest sister a few years back when she called to invite us to her (only) son's 5th birthday party. She lives in Pittsburgh, PA, and was going to be visiting northern VT at the infamous lakeside cabin, a mere 4 1/2 hour drive from us.

I answered the phone, engaged in pleasantries, then she asked me about the party. I naturally asked the when, where, etc. I checked the calendar and let her know that there was a conflict with something we had planned. She didn't believe me! She challenged me, wondering how we could "possibly have plans that far in advance" (two months). I said, "well, we do. I'm sorry."

In this case there was no potential of rescheduling since they were on vacation for just that week. Even if they lived next door, I would not expect her (or anyone for that matter) to change the date of a party simply because we couldn't be there.

After saying I was sorry, but that weekend just couldn't work for us, we chatted a bit more, then hung up. Two weeks later she called back and I again answered. H wasn't home both times but I relayed the first call with her to him. He just said "oh well, maybe another time."

Her second call, she began pumping me for information on what our plans were, and wanted to know why I wouldn't change them. As it turns out, we had expensive tickets to a concert. These plans were made in March, her son's party was in August, with her original invitation coming to us at the end of June, beginning of July. She drilled me on what time the show started, where was it, who were we going with, and on. Not that I owed her any explanation, but I did tell her the details.

She quickly summed up her plans for us: pack our bags, drive to the concert that Saturday (an hour north of us, hence on the way to VT. We're in CT) and when the concert was over (at about midnight), continue on for the remaining 3.5 hours to the cabin! We could sleep in late Sunday morning, have cake and ice cream in the afternoon, then head back to CT at about 4, getting home around 8:30 p.m.

What would you have done? Well, I told her -- again -- we cannot be there, I'm sorry, but we're not going to follow her plan.

And this conversation, which was polite and civil all the way, was the beginning of his family not calling our house. Like I said, this is one small thing among many that I've put up with throughout our marriage. And I do mean "put up." I've changed plans at the last minute to accommodate their whims, gone along with all their ideas, spent vacations at the cabin (which I hated every minute of), took their insults and snide remarks, and then turned the other cheek for more.

What finally did it for me took place three years ago at H's other sister's surprise 25th wedding anniversary party. The sister mentioned above (from PA) was standing alone and I hadn't had the chance to talk to her other than say hello at the beginning. As one of the planner/organizers, she was pretty busy so during some down time I went to chat with her. As I was mid-sentence she just turned on her heel and walked away from me without saying a word to excuse herself. On top of it, she insulted my oldest son (not the first time). Figuring it was not the time or place to "start something" I let it go but later told my H about it. His response was just "that's the way she is, get over it."

THat is his standard reply when I have difficulties with his family: deal with it and get over it. All the problems I have with them, according to him, are my problem and I need professional help and counseling. Our last big fight about any of this was July 4th weekend when I was called everything from a m-f'er, to a sick pervert (?), to the "c" word. Oh yeah, that was in addition to him pushing me physically off the bed onto the floor on my back to the 8-9 slaps I got. In his defense, he was drunk.

Again, these problems only surface when his family is involved. Holidays are a blast as are the gazillion birthdys they all want us to acknowledge with a card and monetary gift.

So, with this extra info, how would you suggest I gain his respect over his family?