You leave your WS and tell them to FO? If you fall out of love w/ them and walk away, does the pain go away as well. This is what I've been told by the few I know who have experienced it. I hate to sound cold, but I know I could do it. Its all part of the cost/benefit analysis. In accounting we use the phrase "Sunk costs are irrelevant to future decisions" in the c/b analysis. I think it applies here as well because other than kids, the history you have after an affair is toast anyway so you must start completely over regardless. So, its really what you are looking at prospectively? Some on MB say they would love to have had a chance for a remorseful, loving, caring WS. I don't know if sometime its not better if a decision is forced upon you.

Thoughts?

No.

Walking away and telling them to FO, isn't going to make you fall out of love with them...so, I say no. JMO.

I will say that your comparison to accounting and marriage is a little strange to say the least. Marriage, specifically infidelity in marriage, is a very emotional subject and isn't cut and dry...I can't think of anything less emotional than accounting.

Of course those triggers will go away MUCH faster if you leave your WS, simply because you have REMOVED the biggest trigger and the source of your pain ... the WS themselves.

I would say that yes, they would go away "faster"...but, the original question was "will they go away?"...to that I say no.

A WS can twist and distort things until they convince themselves they hate you and never want to see you again.

I have little doubt that a BS could do the same, only there's no twisting or distorting necessary. You already have all the ammo you'll ever need.

Just a thought, but would it help if things drastically changed so that you could almost start over. Say your spouse changed their hairstyle, gained/lost weight. What if you switched houses and maybe even cities. Would that help?

Trust me, it's not and I did tell Wstbx to FO. The pain is still there. The questions of how and why it ever happened are still there. The only thing I've let go of that others here still have is hope of reconcilliation. I do believe I'm able to get on with my life a little sooner but I will always be scarred and will always have triggers.

My W changed her hairstyle, and we sold our house and moved. The house thing helps me in the sense that "if" recovery fails, I don't have to keep living in the same town that WW and POSOM had repeated sex in...hence, there is less of a chance of running into OM, and ending up in prison. I guess it helps my personal recovery, but as far as the M goes...it remains to be seen.

edit:

Although moving is a drastic change, the triggers are still very real...I just don't have to live in the "trigger" house any more. And, even though we have moved...W still has her work cut out for her to redeem herself. If she can't...then, I'll be okay in the new town.

Mel,

Good point. We talked about moving away. New friends, house, work. I think you are on to something. We discussed it thoroughly. It would be hard on the kids, but if it saved the marriage.

Well, I'm just guessing, I'm not a BS, so I don't really know.

However, if my wife and I get back together, I'd like to get remarried as a way of putting the past behind us. Once we've put enough of the past behind us anyway.

You would be SHOCKED at how cut and dry I could make it if I weren't living there. If it means medium/long term happiness, I can f'n walk and never look back. Its just my nature. In retrospect, I'm pissed I didn't just cuss her out and tell her I never wanted to see her again upon confession. Them maybe after I cooled off, considered her plan A appeal. Thats why I had to have the RA. WW was going to feel something comparable to my pain. I did it in our bedroom and left the condom wrapper on the nightstand.(accidentally of course) I thought for sure my marriage was torched, but nope, she said we'd just work through it. Thats a remorseful WW!! It helps mitigate my anger as the pain is being shared at least.

I thought of this as well. Giving the FO and then maybe we get back together some day. I do think if that happened I wouldn't hold it against her 5 years down the road after we'd both been w/ numerous other people. The thing is, she built my career, she helped me get my MBA, CPA. We paid off the house so she could stay home w/ the kids a few months before D Day. Makes no sense as she had the most to lose, but people lose their mind every day.

Dude,

Let's say you were raped.

You were, of course, hurt and devastated from the rape.

So, you say to your rapist, "FO, rapist. I'm done with you!"

And you walk away, never to see them again.


Does the pain of the rape disappear because you said FO?

Nope. You carry that pain with you until you do the work to deal with it.


Do the work, Dude.


SB

So just so I understand you better.

You are saying you HAD to have RA so that you could feel better about your reaction to your WW confession ?

If you hurt your WW the way she hurt you only then could you be on equal footing enough to want to then heal your and now her newly caused wounds?

If you compounded the hurt of your RA to your WW but shoving it in her face by leaving the condom there and she passed the test by showing remorse so now you can belive that she really does feel remorse ?

I am sorry but I dont see how any of these actions help anyones personal recover from pain cause by a WS's A.
If its working for you then I am happy for you that you have found a way to help yourself recover. Does not seem like the MB way but nevertheless a way for you to recover.
Just curious does your WW post here, what process is she using to help her recover from her A and then your RA ?

Dude may well have had an RA for that very reason. We all react to adultery in our own ways. Unfortunately, the truth is NOTHING eases the pain.

Carry the rape analogy a few steps further.

Okay, so I have been raped. I say FO, and in order to get back at the rapist, I go out and "revenge" rape them back.


Does this somehow get them to understand my pain? I'm not so sure - they understand REVENGE now, but I'm not sure they understand MY PAIN. In the case of a revenge affair, the first WS might say to themselves something like "I deserved that", which is NOT what the betrayed spouse says in an affair that is not an RA.

Does this make us "even"??????

No. It makes us both CRIMINALS. In the case of revenge affairs, IMHO, it makes us both fools.


Does it excuse the revenge rape??????

How can it POSSIBLY excuse that behavior? In the case of a revenge affair, I would submit, it is also inexcusable.

************************************
Revenge affairs are just uncontrolled anger, and there is no excuse for this behavior. It is angry sex used to exact revenge upon a spouse, at the expense of a third party.

Inexcusable at all levels.


SB