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My divorce was final a week ago. Ex-WH has been living w/ OW for a couple of months. And he, of course, wants the kids to come stay w/ them. This is going to be so hard for them. I feel so helpless. I wish I would have told my kids the truth, right from the start, about their dad. You guys are right about being truthful w/ the kids. Well, they'll know now, and it's just....heartbreaking.
And I got the fog babble about how hard it's been for WH to keep quiet about the love of his life for so long. And he's happy, so we all should be too. Disgusting.
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Forgive them(WS) for they know not what they do!!!
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sl77, did you tell them the truth and give them moral guidance? If you don't, your H will teach them that wrong is right and train them to grow up and be little liars and cheaters like him. If you remain silent they will believe him.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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What level of religious training/experience have you provided for your children?
What have they learned (so far) about right/wrong?
What discussions about marriage vows (if any) have you had with the kids?
How you approach this (what YOU say to your kids) depends on what ages your children are - and what has been taught to them so far about the importance of family unity vs "personal happiness".
Remember - what you say to your kids today may not seem like you are getting through to them - but experience has taught me that they are listening, and it will be brought up in future events.
Do not hesitate to discuss morality and ethics and integrity with your children - at the level of their current understanding. If you kids are little, use word pictures and fables to help enrich their understanding.
Hang in there ---
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Harley on kids and OPs:
1. Do I let them talk to me about what they do with OW and my WH?
Yes. Knowledge is power, and you want to know as much as possible about what's going on. Besides, you want to be able to answer their questions about why their father is with the other woman.
2. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)
Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse).
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I haven't told them yet that their dad committed adultery, and that the "girlfriend" is the reason we aren't married. And I really regret not telling them from the start. The kids are staying w/ my parents for a couple of days so when they come home we're going to have a long talk. We're christians, and my kids have the ten commandments memorized. They know what adultery is and what the Bible says about it. I have talked w/ them plenty about how this is all about WH's bad decisions, and his choice to live an ungodly life. I feel like I didn't do the right thing by not telling them the complete truth (minus the gory details of course).
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100% agreement with Melody. You need to set the guidance for them, even if you feel it's too late. It's NOT. Don't let them believe that what has happened is right or moral.
I'm not saying sit them down and tell them that their father is a no good cheating SOB who has sinned in the eyes of God & man and who continues to commit adultery with the hoochie momma he's living with. (even though that's true)
You can do so honestly and tactfully. But do it!
I was just listening to a program on the way home about how a parent's marriage is "pre-marital counseling" to our kids from the second they are born.
You didn't choose to cheat, nor did you choose how your marriage ended.
You can choose how you guide your children. They need you to do this, obviously HE won't. He's taking the route that "I waited until I divorced her for them to meet, so it's all ok". Don't let that be the 'truth' that they learn.
BS (me)
ExWS -Drac
DD 9
DSS 15
D Day 11/06
Divorced 10/01/07
"You Can't Fix Stupid" - My Mom
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I haven't told them yet that their dad committed adultery, and that the "girlfriend" is the reason we aren't married. And I really regret not telling them from the start. The kids are staying w/ my parents for a couple of days so when they come home we're going to have a long talk. We're christians, and my kids have the ten commandments memorized. They know what adultery is and what the Bible says about it. I have talked w/ them plenty about how this is all about WH's bad decisions, and his choice to live an ungodly life. I feel like I didn't do the right thing by not telling them the complete truth (minus the gory details of course). Be sure you ask them to help you pray for Daddy.
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It's probably important to add my kids ages. One is 9, the other is almost 14. I know this is hardest for my oldest one. Already knows too much about what goes on behind closed doors. I just hope my influence will outweigh his dads.
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~~~~~~~~ LINK to Daddy letter from a book I read about communicating with word pictures read it to your kids discuss the letter tell them Daddy is like the man in the letter listen to them tell them you are sorry you did not tell them sooner make sure they understand THEY did not make Daddy want to leave the family tell them YOU are not the reason the family is split apart tell them adultery is wrong in the eyes of GOD because it breaks hearts of children and faithful wives and/or husbands begin an on-going discussion about morality/temptation/etc tell them this topic is OPEN for further discussion tell them you will answer all their questions as best you can tell them you will not lie to them or cover up Dad's sin any longer - and it was wrong for you to do that in the first place good luck
Last edited by Pepperband; 08/12/08 06:41 PM.
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My vote is to teach them right from wrong, because if you don't, your H will teach them that wrong is right. My cheater dad taught me stuff like "ya just have to do what makes you happy" and "reality is what you make it." Thank God I wasn't a serial killer, huh?!
Your H has a sick wayward mind and he will mess up their minds if you don't weigh in with some clear moral guidance.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I agree. And I will be talking to them. My WH ranks right up there w/ some the worst. Not telling my kids the truth sooner and not leaving years ago are my only two regrets.
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a to PS my above post ---- have your children sit with your pastor individually to discuss adultery and what a child can/cannot do when
their parent in an unrepentant sinner ....
How to love Daddy when he breaks God's laws.
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It is ludicrous that any betrayed spouse should have to consider this, but you might want to check the language in your divorce decree or custody arrangement about what you can and can't say to and in front of your children.
My WW threatened me along these lines recently. Her claim is bogus, and I can't believe that she would actually try to enforce this, but California has boilerplate language about not saying negative things about the other parent.
I'm not saying change what you would say. I haven't. Just saying to know what you are doing.
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Given the age of your children, they may already have an idea of what is behind the divorce. They are much smarter than we often give them credit for.
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I'm sure they probably do have a good idea about why we're divorced. We don't have anything in our divorce agreement that says I can't tell the kids anything negative about WH. But I hadn't thought of that before.
WH actually said that he's having a hard time misleading them because he hasn't told them about OW. And that he feels bad that they've shown concern that he might be lonely living so far away, all by himself. He implied that it'll be a relief that they'll know he's not lonely now.
Never will understand it.
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It is ludicrous that any betrayed spouse should have to consider this, but you might want to check the language in your divorce decree or custody arrangement about what you can and can't say to and in front of your children. That is utterly amazing. However, it is still a parents responsibility to tell their children the truth and give them moral guidance. I wouldn't give a hoot what some morally retarded crapwit down at a California courthouse had to say about that. I answer to God for my children's moral training and that responsibility still falls to me. I know firsthand the damage caused by silence in the face of evil. Since my mother said nothing and did nothing, all the "moral training" was left to my dad, a man who did not know right from wrong.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I agree Melody. I was hoping that the affair, having reached the 18th month mark, would've been over and that my kids would never have to be exposed to her.
WH also let slip that he was planning on bringing her to my house to get the kids. They live 7 hours away! Why do that to us?! I told him she'd better not step foot on my property.
Maybe living together will burst their fantasy bubble. I hope so at least.
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TMI..
Last edited by MelodyLane; 08/12/08 09:17 PM. Reason: tmi
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Found out OW is/was the fiance of WH's friend. I think the PA part of the affair started when WH's friend went to Iraq. Oh and I'm also pretty sure WH was this poor guy's supervisor, too. Now I know why WH didn't get his promotion. Does it get any lower than that?
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