My divorce was final a week ago. Ex-WH has been living w/ OW for a couple of months. And he, of course, wants the kids to come stay w/ them. This is going to be so hard for them. I feel so helpless. I wish I would have told my kids the truth, right from the start, about their dad. You guys are right about being truthful w/ the kids. Well, they'll know now, and it's just....heartbreaking.

And I got the fog babble about how hard it's been for WH to keep quiet about the love of his life for so long. And he's happy, so we all should be too. Disgusting.

Forgive them(WS) for they know not what they do!!!

sl77, did you tell them the truth and give them moral guidance? If you don't, your H will teach them that wrong is right and train them to grow up and be little liars and cheaters like him. If you remain silent they will believe him.

What level of religious training/experience have you provided for your children?

What have they learned (so far) about right/wrong?

What discussions about marriage vows (if any) have you had with the kids?

How you approach this (what YOU say to your kids) depends on what ages your children are - and what has been taught to them so far about the importance of family unity vs "personal happiness".

Remember - what you say to your kids today may not seem like you are getting through to them - but experience has taught me that they are listening, and it will be brought up in future events.

Do not hesitate to discuss morality and ethics and integrity with your children - at the level of their current understanding. If you kids are little, use word pictures and fables to help enrich their understanding.

Hang in there ---

I haven't told them yet that their dad committed adultery, and that the "girlfriend" is the reason we aren't married. And I really regret not telling them from the start. The kids are staying w/ my parents for a couple of days so when they come home we're going to have a long talk. We're christians, and my kids have the ten commandments memorized. They know what adultery is and what the Bible says about it. I have talked w/ them plenty about how this is all about WH's bad decisions, and his choice to live an ungodly life. I feel like I didn't do the right thing by not telling them the complete truth (minus the gory details of course).

100% agreement with Melody. You need to set the guidance for them, even if you feel it's too late. It's NOT. Don't let them believe that what has happened is right or moral.

I'm not saying sit them down and tell them that their father is a no good cheating SOB who has sinned in the eyes of God & man and who continues to commit adultery with the hoochie momma he's living with. (even though that's true)

You can do so honestly and tactfully. But do it!

I was just listening to a program on the way home about how a parent's marriage is "pre-marital counseling" to our kids from the second they are born.

You didn't choose to cheat, nor did you choose how your marriage ended.

You can choose how you guide your children. They need you to do this, obviously HE won't. He's taking the route that "I waited until I divorced her for them to meet, so it's all ok". Don't let that be the 'truth' that they learn.

Be sure you ask them to help you pray for Daddy.

It's probably important to add my kids ages. One is 9, the other is almost 14. I know this is hardest for my oldest one. Already knows too much about what goes on behind closed doors. I just hope my influence will outweigh his dads.

~~~~~~~~ LINK to Daddy letter

from a book I read about communicating with word pictures

read it to your kids

discuss the letter

tell them

Daddy is like the man in the letter

listen to them

tell them you are sorry you did not tell them sooner

make sure they understand THEY did not make Daddy want to leave the family

tell them YOU are not the reason the family is split apart

tell them adultery is wrong in the eyes of GOD because it breaks hearts of children and faithful wives and/or husbands

begin an on-going discussion about morality/temptation/etc
tell them this topic is OPEN for further discussion

tell them you will answer all their questions as best you can

tell them you will not lie to them or cover up Dad's sin any longer - and it was wrong for you to do that in the first place

good luck

My vote is to teach them right from wrong, because if you don't, your H will teach them that wrong is right. My cheater dad taught me stuff like "ya just have to do what makes you happy" and "reality is what you make it." Thank God I wasn't a serial killer, huh?!

Your H has a sick wayward mind and he will mess up their minds if you don't weigh in with some clear moral guidance.

I agree. And I will be talking to them. My WH ranks right up there w/ some the worst. Not telling my kids the truth sooner and not leaving years ago are my only two regrets.

a to PS my above post ---- have your children sit with your pastor individually to discuss adultery and what a child can/cannot do when
their parent in an unrepentant sinner ....

How to love Daddy when he breaks God's laws.

It is ludicrous that any betrayed spouse should have to consider this, but you might want to check the language in your divorce decree or custody arrangement about what you can and can't say to and in front of your children.

My WW threatened me along these lines recently. Her claim is bogus, and I can't believe that she would actually try to enforce this, but California has boilerplate language about not saying negative things about the other parent.

I'm not saying change what you would say. I haven't. Just saying to know what you are doing.

Given the age of your children, they may already have an idea of what is behind the divorce. They are much smarter than we often give them credit for.

I'm sure they probably do have a good idea about why we're divorced. We don't have anything in our divorce agreement that says I can't tell the kids anything negative about WH. But I hadn't thought of that before.

WH actually said that he's having a hard time misleading them because he hasn't told them about OW. And that he feels bad that they've shown concern that he might be lonely living so far away, all by himself. He implied that it'll be a relief that they'll know he's not lonely now.

Never will understand it.

That is utterly amazing. However, it is still a parents responsibility to tell their children the truth and give them moral guidance. I wouldn't give a hoot what some morally retarded crapwit down at a California courthouse had to say about that. I answer to God for my children's moral training and that responsibility still falls to me.

I know firsthand the damage caused by silence in the face of evil. Since my mother said nothing and did nothing, all the "moral training" was left to my dad, a man who did not know right from wrong.

I agree Melody. I was hoping that the affair, having reached the 18th month mark, would've been over and that my kids would never have to be exposed to her.

WH also let slip that he was planning on bringing her to my house to get the kids. They live 7 hours away! Why do that to us?! I told him she'd better not step foot on my property.

Maybe living together will burst their fantasy bubble. I hope so at least.

TMI..

Found out OW is/was the fiance of WH's friend. I think the PA part of the affair started when WH's friend went to Iraq. Oh and I'm also pretty sure WH was this poor guy's supervisor, too. Now I know why WH didn't get his promotion. Does it get any lower than that?

I go back and forth between pity and (I don't like to use this word) hate for him. I tell myself that what "goes around comes around" but I'm not seeing it right now, and I sure do want to.

I talked to my kids. That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. But I'm glad that they know the truth.

Glad that you talked to your kids. That is a step in the right direction. How did they take it?

I guess they took it as well as could be expected. It was still horrible. They just cried. My daughter said WH had shown them pictures of OW and him on his computer. Makes me sick. But they also seemed relieved that the truth was out it the open.

Often the kids DO know something is amiss and are keeping secrets so they don't rock the boat. Good for you for talking to them! Now they know the truth of their lives.

I am so sorry for your kids, sl77. But you did the right thing!! It is horrible, horrible when you are a kid and you can SEE something is very wrong and no adult will validate that. It is good that your kids can come to you and talk to you about this. How sad and confusing for them. But this way, they will be better equipped to defend themselves from their father's immoral lifestyle. You are a good mother, sl77.

Thank you.

I'm having a really hard time with this. Now that I finally know who the OW is and that she's going to be around my kids, is sickening.

She's young and blond, of course. Who she is makes it all the worse. Now I know why WH didn't get promoted, and he said before that he "decided" to quit being a supervisor because it was too much stress, but I'm pretty sure it's because of this affair.

WH tells my daughter how "nice and pretty" OW is. It just hurts and I don't want to be here. They've been together for a long time now and I don't see it ending.

Not that I want him back but I certainly don't want to see him w/ her. I'm just really struggling and it's just very difficult.

Well, "nice and pretty" won't compensate for SKANK. This skank broke up your DD's family.

I am just curious, sl77, did you try to save this marriage? Did you expose the affair, for example?

I tried to save it, and I did expose some, but in all honesty, I had my way out and I took it. He's had numerous affairs. Half a dozen that I know of, that he's never admitted to. Apprantly his myspace page was a doozy. He took it down when an old friend found it, before I could see it.

He's VERY narcisstic. Very Scott Peterson like. Told me I should of seen it coming, and that I deserve everything I'm getting. Started making comments that made me worry and he started watching those shows about guys that kill their wives to be w/ their lovers. It was very scary for awhile.

He's an alcoholic, and ran up so much credit card debt on drinking and women that'll he'll never pay it off.

I think he went into my computer history and found that I posted here and was quite upset about what I wrote. I don't think he'll bother now cause he's so wrapped up w/ his ho and says he doesn't have internet right now. That's why I quit posting anything for awhile.

There have been 3 other men, that I know of, that have had issues w/ WH around their wives. And these are the wives of guys he's in charge of! He's their first sargeant who's supposed to be watching out for them! And that's not the half of it. There was no saving this one. My love died.

My self-esteem has taken a real hit.

GOTCHA! In that case, I am glad you got out.

DHon...

You should be sooooo glad that you are out of this.

I know how hard this has been on your self esteem, but I am telling you now that you are WORTHY.

Please use this website and this forum for your personal recovery. We are here for you.

Be VERY protective of your children. I am sure they are glad to know the truth.

Be wise. You have come to a great place for support. I am so glad you have so many people here to help you.

Remember now, you are WORTHY. And use this website, and this forum to figure out why you have been in this situation, and what you can do in the future to have a healthy relationship.

In the meantime, take care of your babies, (children), and discover yourself!!!! We are here for you.

And, you are very fortunate indeed to have Melodylane helping you!!!!

God Bless,
Love in Christ,
Miss M

Has the OW ever come w/ anyone's WH to pick up the kids? If she did, how did you handle it? WH said he was planning on bringing her at some point, and I said she'd better not step foot on my property. How should I handle that, if it happens?

That would not be acceptable. The woman who helped destroy my childrens family and my marriage would not be wise to show her face on my property. She would be escorted to the street, very politely of course, at the point of my pistol. The OW who invaded your marriage and your children's family should not be allowed to invade the sanctity of your home. Hopefully, the OW would not be stupid and craven enough to darken your doorstep.

while I agree in principle with ML, I suggest that you do nothing but handle the pick up as though she doesn't exist. The ONLY person that will look bad here in the eyes of the law, should any trouble start, is you. Keep your cool and don't do anything stupid. It WILL be used against you. Since you are divorced, you will have no right to say who or who is not around your children. You also do not have the right to stop your husband from bringing her with him to pick up the kids. You CAN stop her from coming in your house...but since she will be there with a legitimate purpose, attempting to stop her from coming on your property(driveway, etc) will not be in your best interests.

This all sucks and hopefully the ho gets run over by the karma bus before she ever sees your children again...but if not, just be smart.

I agree with MEDC. From a law enforcement POV, you don't have any rights other than you can keep them both out of your house.

Let the karma bus do its thing.

Larry

Thanks for the advice. I know there's nothing I can do about it. She will never step foot in my house. I'm getting my locks changed. WH says he doesn't have a key, but I know he kept one. And he used to come in the house when I'm at work to get the kids, or just pick up stuff they wanted. That won't be happening anymore, if she's going to be here.

These kind of situations just make me feel powerless. Oh well, just another reason affairs s@ck.

You have no legal leg to stand on but you can tell your wXH she is not welcome on your property. WstbxH's OW had some kind of fantasy that WstbxH would actually become friends with OWH and they could manage the pickup/dropoffs without her. Of course it will never happen but OWH did stand his ground and now she either comes alone or WstbxH waits in the car. WstbxH did bring OW to my house once to pick up his stuff (our DS is grown so we don't have ongoing meetings like this). I made him take her to the doughnut store, drop her off and then come back alone. I just said calmly that she's not welcome on my property and he can get his stuff when he comes without her (this was after I changed the locks).

sl77, what he is trying to do is normalize his affair and give it a false air of respectibility. He is doing this to get you to accept the affair too. He won't feel as guilty if you accept it along with the kids. ugh.. I would make sure you tell him beforehand that she is not welcome on your property and hope for the best. For me, she would not be setting foot on my property, but I understand the advice to not get in trouble with the law. You don't want to end up in jail over a skank.

Yep, I had this happen. I wasn't divorced yet, though. I had offered "extra" time to WxH as I had "taken" one of his normal days to go out of town with DDs.

He spoke with DD14 and told her, "we are on our way to pick you up."

She told me he said "we".

At the time, I was in Plan B and was not present for the exchanges. I was THERE just not without sight of WxH.

THIS time, DDs were in the house and I was outside waiting.

WxH pulled up in OW's Jeep with OW at his side.

I refused to turn DDs over to him. I told him when he left his trash elsewhere he could return. I turned and walked back into the house. I told DDs they would not be going as Dad brought OW with him.

He was PO'D big time!

He called me with OW in the car and I steadfastly refused to turn them over if she was there.

He did not return that day. At all of the exchanges since, he has not brought OW. Even after the D was final.

While I am not advocating breaking the law, it is a stand you can take if you choose to. I would think the worst that would happen is you would get a slap on the wrist telling you that you don't have the right to do that.

Your xH would have to push the issue and make a big deal out of it. Does he want to? Or will he simply drop the OW off somewhere and come get his kids?

It can be as hard or as easy as they want to make it.

My DD14 had a blow up with WxH and refuses to go with him on his visitation days. He doesn't make her. He COULD. He COULD call the cops and have them come to my home and drag her out of the house and FORCE the visits.

But he doesn't.

Fox

And just to add to wildhorse's advise, it is far easier to "nip it in the bud" now than it would be to get him to stop bringing her after she has already come.

That's true, Tabby.

My WxH said at the time "what does it matter if I go drop her off and then come back for DDs? You know after I pick up DDs I'm going to go get her, too."

The difference is that you don't have to ALLOW it on your own property and in your presence.

It is "in your face" disrespect when they bring the OWs with them.

What they do away from you is out of your control. What they do on your property IS in your control.

Fox

I agree with all who said that she should never show her face at your door. That is just not a picture you need to have in your mind forever.

But, for just a moment, allow me to shine the light of reality on your WxH's fantasy.

as mentioned earlier, he is trying to normalize his relationship. This is a sign that the relationship is all ready going bad. He is trying to breathe new life into it by making it "normal". OW is probably chewing on him to "make your wife just get over it". YOU are still the biggest threat to their R, and OW knows it. Not because you are trying to be a threat, and you would never take him back anyway. But OW will always worry that he will someday miss the mother of his children. WxH and OW are convinced that if they could just make everyone else accept their R and see how perfect they are togehter,then life would be wonderful. But that is just not reality.

Picture now, the car ride to their house. 7 hours?? forgive me for a moment - but I have to laugh! 2 kids in the back seat for 7 hours? OW will make that trip once. Just once. Your 14 year old is going to be the moody teenager, staring out the window and listening to her Ipod. The younger one will talk all the time "Daddy, you know what Mommy and I did the other day???" "Daddy, see that store over there, Mommy and I went there and bought candy" "Daddy, can I call Mommy now?" "Daddy, I have to go potty"

Them living together puts a huge strain on their R. Having the kids for the weekend is even worse.

Trust me, your H will not live happily ever after with this OW, or the next one, or the one after that. I feel sort of sorry for the guy - his past history shows that he has a habit of jumping from one R to another in search of the "perfect woman" who will happily meet all his needs and ask for nothing in return. He is in that lonely group of people who honestly believe that if they have to work at a R, then it is not the R for them. that when he finally finds his "soul mate" he will know, becuase everything will be glorious and require no effort. Poor fool.

Hey! I think you've met my DDs!


Fox

Ohhh...and with that sqwinchy face scowling crossed armed thing that teenage girls are sooooooo good at.

Don't forget the eye roll accompanied by that tsk-like sound only a teenage girl can produce!

Never been in this situation, but if I were I'd ignore her as best as I could. I'd acknowledge her presence only by making comments that she could hear like..."What on Earth is that smell? It smells like sh&t." Of course you may not want your children to hear this so perhaps you can call some of your girlfriends over to help out. If the OW is a big enough idiot to step out of the car and approach your doorstep, your friends could insult her while you are in the house getting your children's things together. If the exH stays outside with her, then he can get an earful too or if he goes inside, they can let her have without even talking directly to her. They could carry on a conversation between themselves talking about what a tramp "some people" must be to (fill in the blank). Be creative and don't hold back. Unless she's a glutton for punishment, I would think she'd never want to come back. If your exH gets pissed. Good. Maybe next time he'll leave his whore at home and hopefully she will be all crazy POed on the drive home. Good Luck!!!

Made all the better if she is open mouthed chewing gum! The complete package of disrespect!

I've already made it very clear WH is not to bring her to my house. I told him that she gets him 28 days out of the month, his kids get 2, so he can come w/out her! Then he hung up the phone on me.

My almost 14 year old is my son. Still moody though. The OW is closer to age to him than to WH. Yuck!

I hope WH doesn't bring her, but I'm sure she's really pushing the issue. I guess we'll see.

While I agree with the feelings you are expressing, I sincerely believe that insulting the OW and acting out towards will result in harm being done to the kids. She WILL take it out on them.

Please be careful.

If she does show up, I won't fistfight her on my lawn. I wouldn't even go outside, I'd just send my kids out. I wouldn't say anything either. I'm sure WH would love to see us fight over him, and that won't happen.

I knew the time would come when OW wouldn't be content to stay hidden. WH still acts like she doesn't exist for the most part around me. I can't believe he risked his career by having an affair w/ her. His job matters more to him than anything else.

I'm sure it would bug OW more if she doesn't even get a glimpse of me.

You know, sl77, he can always leave her up at the corner gas station when he picks up your kids. [maybe she can turn tricks in the men's bathroom? :D] If it were me, she would not be on my property. There would be ramifications that she would regret.

What harm can be done to the children? Their father's behavior is already doing harm to them. If the OW takes anything out on the children she'll be giving their mother a reason to seek legal recourse to keep them away from her ex while the OW is present and they will only have more reason to hate her. I doubt this woman fully appreciates what she is in for. She and the exH probably want to the kids to love them both and act like they are one big happy family. Anything could happen, but I would see this woman trying very hard to make the children like her vs being nasty towards them. Maybe she will get a rude awakening that they aren't going to welcome her with open arms and she will realize that maybe this guy isn't worth all the drama.

Either way, I would definetly talk to the children before they are exposed to the OW whether or not she shows up at the house. How do they feel towards her? Do they realize that she is not a good person and had a part in breaking up their family? While I wouldn't encourage the children to act out, I would also make it clear that she is not a nice person and they do not have to like her just because their father is with her.

I'm not sure if this is a serious question or not.


firs off, you are assuming that the type of behavior could allow for legal recourse. Most doesn't. And it isn't the job of the children to HAE her. If their father marries this woman, she will be a part of their lives for a number of years. Trust me, a step parent can add a lot of anxiety to a kids life if they so choose...and sometimes the courts can do NOTHING about it. The children should be protected...told the truth...but protected against the battles of the parents. And if the children are NOT respectful to the OW ho, then the father could also add a lot of stress and pressure to their lives.

IMHO, a parent should talk to their kids about the truth but do nothing that could possibly add harm to their lives. In this case, the dad is already doing enough of that himself.

True she can "punish" the children in various ways. I understand what you are saying but I don't think the OW's first encounter with the children will be anything else than trying to make them like her. The fact that she wants to make a 7 hr drive to pick them up makes me think she is looking for some sort of acceptance from them and/or to make their father happy. I agree it's not the children's job to hate her. But if she does choose to mistreat the children in any way, they likely will hate, dislike, or resent her anyway.


I agree with everything you just said. I wouldn't expect the children to be rude or disrespectful to their father or the OW, but I also wouldn't expect them to feel obligated to act like they are happy she is around either. They can be civil and well mannered. Only sl77 knows what her husband is capable of and how heavy handed he may be with the kids if he gets mad that his kids aren't sucking up to the OW and making her feel all warm and fuzzy.

sl77 are your children excited to see their dad at all?

My kids really do want to see their dad. I don't think WH will force them to be around her...on second thought...who knows.

The kids know WH and OW committed adultery. And that is the reason we are divorced. I also told the kids I will not be friends w/ WH or OW, because I am not friends w/ anyone that treats me w/disrespect.

I will admit, I hope OW is worried about me and WH. He'd still be "intimate" w/ me, if he could. Shoulda printed out some of the IM's I got from him.

But she's young and probably thinks he's so wonderful. I just pray that they are never content or at peace w/ themselves. Like every other BS, I don't want to see them happy together.

Wouldn't it be sad if your kids, after having their family destroyed so your H could chase his "happiness," had to compete with this woman for his attention?

I know I really loved competing with my various step mothers du jour that my father brought along for his annual visits. One time, around 8, I got CAR SICK from the back seat and PUKED in her wiglet. [projectile vomiting] WHOOPS!

LOL! I should give my daughter lots of sweets before hand!

They will feel like they have to compete for their dad's attention. They always had to. The sad thing is, the OW will win.

Sometimes I've thought of doing things just to cause problems between them. WH gets quite upset when I text him. She probably hates every phone call, text and email. So, I have on occasion, sent him a text just to be annoying.

I would imagine your children just miss their dad and want some sort of relationship with him. Do they say how they feel about the OW? I can only hope that this first meeting with the children is a wake up call to this bimbo once they are actually in front of her and they aren't just faces in a picture she sees while dreaming how she will be such good buds with them or whatever is in her head. Very sad that your children have to be exposed to this sl77. Hang in there.

Sweet! OW

But of course it would not be right to your daughter. But what if you would send a *really* annoying toy with your 9 yo? Like a noisy and fun computer game to use in the car? It could drive your 14 yo insane too but hey, that's what Ipods are for.

Seriously, I would say spend as little energy as possible on this. You don't have to let her into your house or even onto your property but as for the visit you can't control anything.

It has been several years since I went through all of this, so the memories are starting to fade - thankfully.
But I do recall that the first time my boys met OW #1 they said she was trying to act like a teenager. She was about 10 years younger than WxH, so apparantly she wanted to be their "friend"
It didn't work

in the beginning, WxH claimed that he wanted the boys with him more often so he could have his "parenting time" They spent 2 weekends w/ him and OW#1. That was it. It was only a few months later that the R ended.

Trust me, as the mother of his children you will always be a threat to her.

Hang in there sister. You are going to be just fine.

Thank you guys for the support and advice. This site and everybody here has been such a blessing. To know I'm not the only one dealing with all this.

I know I'll get thru it. It'll be tough having my kids around her. But I know it won't be that often, and hopefully they'll break up soon. Reality has to be setting in for WH.

My kids haven't met OW yet, but I think they will in a couple of weeks. XWH drops them off today and my daughter says "have you seen XXXXX?" He actually sent my kids home with several pictures of him and OW, apprantly on some vacation together.

I just don't understand why he'd do something like that. And then my daughter says OW is gonna wait in the car next time XWH picks them up. I told my kids she will never be welcome at our home, not even in the driveway. So I won't be letting child exchanges happen at my house anymore.

It just makes me angry, and just when I think I'm becoming indifferent to it all. (I threw the pictures away, and called him and said that it was wrong and disrespectful and don't do it again.)

I guess the weekend with XWH and OW went ok. I can't even bring myself to ask my kids about it. Of course, they walked in with lots of new toys and clothes. My daughter said XWH wants to take them to Disneyworld. Why is it that WS's will do things with the OP that they'd never do with their family?

Hearing that kind of stuff really stings. And I can't imagine there'll ever be a day that it won't.

One word: Guilt. They think they can buy their way out of it.

XH sends me an email about pick-ups and drop-offs. He's bringing the OW with him. I won't let her step foot in my driveway. So now he can't figure out what to do.

I wanted to say, "Leave her on the street corner where she belongs."

My SIL used to work with him and she told me a couple of things over the weekend that triggered me. That he used to talk about how hot my sister is all the time. And another coworker was bragging how she slept with him.

He's a total mess. But these things are still a stab in the heart.

He refuses to not bring OW with him. He told me I need to find an "acceptable solution."

I really feel like I should hold my ground about her never coming to my house.

I don't even like my ex coming here. My one request was that she never come to my home. And if I let them cross that boundary, then what? Or am I just fighting the inevitable?

Stand firm. There is no reason to bring his tramp to your house. The current arrangement is an "acceptable solution" and YOU don't have to appease him. Let him stew. At some point maybe she will get sick of sitting in the car and stay home or dump him. Do not give in to his whining.