You've been given so much good advice, but I thought I would chime in with another perspective. I am a FWW -- and I feared exposure more than anything! It would have stopped me dead in my tracks. I didn't want everyone to know what I was up to! And I did everything I could to keep my husband from telling anyone!

What you are not understanding is that your WW is ASHAMED of what she is doing. Having an affair is something she desperately wants to keep hidden, and she will manipulate you in a million ways to keep you quiet.

Also, OM is likely very devoted to his family. This so far is a relatively short affair -- so the liklihood that OM want to blow apart his life with his wife and family are VERY SMALL. Once OMW finds out, he will be desperate to please her and will cut off your wife without a backwards glance. The longer you let this go on, the more entrenched their "feelings" become and the harder it is for them to let go.

And by the way -- you simply cannot wait for her to stop contacting him or agree to "no contact". It will NEVER happen.

She does not have the willpower to stop it. OM is meeting needs that you weren't -- and she will not be willing to give that up.

I don't know what he does for her -- do you? Is it that he simply makes time to TALK to her? Or that he ADMIRES her?
What needs is OM meeting that you did not?

She may tell you that she's stopped, but really she will just get sneakier.

If she were a cocaine addict would you feel guilty about cutting her off from her supply?

And one more thing, in case you didn't get this. Do NOT tell your wife that you plan to expose. Just Do It!

Do NOT wait until your MC session. That would be FATAL to your marriage. You can take that to the bank.

I think I am becoming more aware of what he is giving her that I was not. An attractive well built guy. He is former military well built and she said the pics of him were shirtless.

In all our conversations about the possiblity of recovery she constantly says she could never see making love to me again. And if I was to ask her on a date now she would say no.

Some insight one of our mutual good friends had given me was that she was getting increasingly more vain. He was worried because she had become more and more obsessed with her appearance.

In our conversation last night she said it was and emotional affair to the affect that she was attracted to him, that it was a lustful affair. That she could picture herself making love to him.

She has always been skinny. She eats same or worse then me and stays skinny. I on the other hand I have put on 50lbs since being married.

So yeah I know what he is giving her that I am not. But I am a few years away from being able to ever give her that.

I agree with others here who say that the OMW should be informed. But not just 2 end the affair. 2 end the OM's entitlement that he can do it again with someone else's W, if your W won't. It also does give the OMW the oppor2nity that she might not otherwise have - 2 decide for herself if she wants 2 stay married 2 someone like the OM.


You say this a lot, Mel. I don't dispute the truth of this statement, but when you 2uote him about exposure, I have 2 wonder where the 2uotes are coming from. Because in my sessions with SH, "exposure 2 everyone" was most definitely not any kind of "first rule". And, so far as I know, Dr Harley doesn't even mention exposure in his publications or on the website.

If I'm wrong, I'd like 2 know that. But unless Dr Harley posts these statements you're quoting himself, then it's just hearsay when you post them.

-ol' 2long

BFR --

That is a BIG red flag that she is getting more concerned with her appearance. Because that means she is preparing to SEE him.

My affair also started as the online/phone emotional affair -- and as I made plans to see OM I became obsessed with my looks.
Also purchasing sexier clothes and underwear.

So I suggest you get to OMW soon so she can put a stop to any trips he has planned through your town....

Right now, it doesn't make a difference WHAT it is he's giving her. You have to stop it!!! You are approaching this like it is a friendly competition. It is NOT!!! It is WAR!!! Forget the delays, expose the affair and show your WW you are NOT approaching this like a game of checkers!!!

Lexxxy's right, BigRed.

Forget waiting for the MC session...pick up the phone.

Every worry you have right now about OM is going to come true if you don't.

Pick up the phone.

My other fear..if I do this today..she wont go to MC tomorrow

MC will do NOTHING at all for your M if there is contact.

Might even set you back. My SIL and her XH's MC told XH to give SIL "space" while she was involved in EA. THey are now D.

You have a good point, and there is a good chance that you are right...she may decide to say "f@ck you BigRed...you embarrassed the h3ll out of me...stick it up your [censored]!!!!!". But, you know who she WON'T be able to run to?.....OM !!!!! Why? Because, he is going to be at home, with his BW.....getting a [censored] kicking.

Call her...or you may as well just pack up, move on, and mail your house keys to OM.

Do it.

So she misses a session.

Which is more important:

1 - a flawless attendance record with a counselor that statistically has a 16% chance of helping your marriage, a counselor your WW won't really be listening to anyway is incapable of hearing because she's involved with OM
2 - ending the A


Now let me think....

Besides, what guarantee do you have that she's going to go, anyway?

My thoughts exactly. Took the words right outta my fingertips.

Charlotte

Actually you are wrong. But all you have to do is ask. Those quotes are from this forum. Over on the Weekend section - those are Dr. Harley's actual posts. Dr. Harley talks about exposure quite a bit. In fact, that is where we got the idea.

Let me get this straight. You are "afraid" she won't go to MC, a complete and total waste of time but NOT AFRAID to ENABLE the affair.

Do you know where he works?

You can do all sorts of "social engineering" like the hackers do.

I called some random 800# at my XW's OM's place of employment and layed on the story that I was an old Navy buddy of his, and I lost his info, but remember that he got a job from one of his pals at this business. I said I was interested in working there, and wanted to get his office number and the number of his supervisor so I could let them know I might be interested if they have any openings.

The helpful woman who answered the 800# gave me all sorts of information, phone numbers, e-mails, etc.

So with some social engineering, you may be able to gather all sorts of contact information, if you know his former employer, where he went to college, his parents.

Heck, call his parents if you can find them and say you are a long lost college pal and want to call him at home sometime.

Most folks will give up the information, if you are friendly, polite, and have a good story.

Just know something about where he went to school, etc.

TJ/

EE, I laughed when I read this. People can be so gullible sometimes.

/TJ

This is going to be our first session.

I know that its not going to change her and thats she is not going to decide to stop A based on one visit.

My hope is he can put some sort of doubt in her head about what she is doing, or give her some sort of regret.

Then when I expose she will have at least heard from the counselor once.

If I expose today there is no hope of her even hearing what he has to say.

Then for heaven's sake, tell your counselor NOT to bring up your exposure plans.

You're wasting your time and money. She isn't listening to what you have to say...what makes you think she's going to listen to him?

Call OMW.

edit: Any MC with training in how to handle infidelity would not even counsel a married couple who has one party currently in the affair...he's not going to end the affair for you, if that's what you are thinking.