Not really (not shocking). In a civil (read Family Law) case, if there are no deadlines looming, no heated disputes, or no motions before the court, the court could care less about what's going on in a case, unless it's fast-tracked, or it's approaching inactive status (and that's usually 90 days).

I don't understand the delay in at least the scheduling of the mediation though because that can be done with a few phone calls. Maybe it's because it's summertime and vacation schedules are getting in the way.

I agree.. though we had a bit of a hurdle scheduling the mediation.

She and I were far enough apart on our property assessments/estimations.. that it became prudent to hire an independent assessor to come value the assets, and personal property.

I know even before seeing the assessor's report (he came Saturday to do the appraisals, and is trying to schedule with WW to do her 'stuff') that it's going to end up as a very clear, flashing neon sign that WW is just making a grab for as much money as she can get in her joke of a settlement offer.

That and the fact that she completely ignored the Custody evaluator's suggestion of allowing me more time with DS should be a pretty clear indicator to the judge what her motivations are, and that she isn't even trying to take DS's best interests into account.

Just another brick in the wall of evidence I'm building for my case MEDC.. if it ends up in front of the judge, it's going to be brutal.. I will destroy my wife, her coworker friend, and the reputation of her boss/lawyer's office in open court.

Oh, that explains the delay.


Go James!

LOVE the new attitude!

Heh.. I'm sure you probably wouldn't love it so much MEDC if you truly knew just how much I really don't want to be forced to do it.

I still don't want any of this to happen.

I've stumbled backwards enough at the beginning of this though, that I'm the papa bear backed into a corner trying to protect his cubs..

It's the last thing I want to be forced to do.. but WW has basically forced me to fulfill her main gripe and put her way down on the priority scale below me and my kids.. her actions, irresponsibilities, and knowingly endangering her children have acutally put her in the expendable column on the collateral damage evaluation worksheet.

How true this is. Good job recognizing her poking and not getting overly triggered by it. Contact --> triggering --> feeling bad --> doing something stupid (unproductive). Maybe I should have that tattooed on myself somewhere, right next to Remember to Breathe.

You're a good guy, amigo.

So true man.. so true.

I'm finding that if I can keep things totally business and/or about DS that I can manage the contact without triggering.. well.. that's not entirely true, every contact causes a trigger, but my response to it is managed much better.

I do know that my resentment builds quite a bit with every contact.. mostly because she's initiating them, and it's always just short of accusing me of something..

She just needs to poke.. and I just wish she'd stop.



As for being a good guy.. Glad you think so man.. I get that a lot from DSD's grandparents too. Don't think I'm not appreciative of that.. but the gut reflex every time someone says that to me is typically 'Yeah? And how's that working out for me?'

Ugh.. wakeboarding behind the destructive force that is a WW isn't a fun sport..

So...

What do you say to an attractive young woman whose son yours has been playing with for 3 hours at the park, when she walks up and asks for your phone number... just so the 'boys' can get together sometime.. because they had so much fun together?

Well.. if you're me you get a little nervous.. but give it over because well.. it's been years since you've thought of giving a woman your phone number.. but it's for DS right?

Hmm.. she was pretty, nice, single, digs kids, my kind of music... and a nurse.. heloooo nurse kinda nurse..

The boys got along well..

DANGIT.. on one hand holding on to a M that is... well.. slowly destroying my soul.. and on the other the opportunity is there..

Then I think about it for a few moments and realize.. I'm not done yet here.. it's like starting a new job in the middle of a big project..

Then you balance.. how do you keep this person at enough of a distance that you aren't tempted.. but yet be in a place where you can persue when the situation changes?

Ugh..

So.. I've decided that I'm just going to not get together with her.. be honest with her about why I can't... and make sure that DS isn't exposed to Dad hopping over the fence on his family too..

*sigh*

Nobody ever said the high road was easy..



At the exchange last night DS did it again.. I'm not sure at this point if he's gaming things, or -trying- to manipulate his mom consciously.. but everything was fine until WW pulled into the drive.. we were outside playing baseball with a neighborhood kid... WW never even got out of the van as I put him in and buckled him up.. WW asked DS how he was, and in the most pathetic little voice he could muster he said 'I'm going to miss my Dad..'

It was important to him earlier in the night to go over our calendar.. the last couple of months he's insisted on being the one to mark on the calendar the days he gets to spend with me.. and last night he wanted to look at it.. not mark up another month, we did that last weekend.. but he just wanted to look at what was coming up the next couple of months.. and I realized.. this is the first Wednesday to Wednesday we'll have had to go since July 2nd - 9th...

Long story short I promised him that I'd call him every night and gave him a big hug and a kiss... barely a glance to WW.. like she was a cab driver or something..

*sigh*

I don't like the changes in my feelings.. I'm not angry.. I'm not upset.. I'm not sad really.. not about WW.. DSD and DS is a different story.. I really just.. barely feel anything towards WW anymore..

It's there.. but just barely..

I still want my family back.. the whole package deal.. the good with the bad.. the better or worse.. but I'm starting to be ambivilent about the whole.. WW part of it.. I just want my kids to come home.. they didn't choose this.. and they don't want this..

You're beginning to get a taste of what it's like to raise a child in two separate worlds. And you are about to get an idea of what it is like (through your child) to live in two separate worlds where they love their mom and dad more than anything.

Although you went through this with your oldest DD and SDD, so maybe you already have an idea.

It doesn't get any easier, but you learn to miminize the damage, the hurt, the confusion to your child as much as possible.

Everybody probably thinks I'm a freak on here (well not everybody) but this is why I choose to be friendly with my ex. My dd's happinesss hinges on it. It is still, after all these years, upsetting to her if I fight with her dad. And she has no memory of us ever living together.

I pick my battles, very, very carefully, with her dad. And stopped trying to make a point years ago. There is no point to make anymore. Just make the best of a divided world for the kids.

As for the girl...be honest. As you said you would be. Not the time. But someday? Perhaps.

James, I made it a priority to marry a family person. It was one of my top criteria when I started dating. And it remains so. Luckily my H is the real deal. He is a family person though and through. And DD is starting to get to the point where she considers him part of her family. But he has had a lot of proving to do. It's been a little rough on him, but he understands.

OMG, I almost said "hang ten, James"...LOL remember that? Probably not. You're too young.

Thanks for posting JJ.. I always love your insights as someone who is managing this kind of relationship for the sake of your DD.. I'm still not convinced there's going to be any kind of relationship with WW beyond pure business.. emotionless exchanges.. until she takes the first step in that direction. So far the only calls I get from her are stick poking and finger pointing.. I've had enough of those.


This is one thing that I do struggle with admittedly. I have gone through this.. mostly with DSD.. DD has adjusted VERY well to her life, and her mom as little, if anything really to do with her. DD knows her, and acknowledges her.. but there's no mother-daughter relationship there.. I sure know how to pick em right?

But I've been on the step-parent side of things with DSD.. and I'm really not sure I -want- to go through the testing of boundaries.. and I'm very gunshy of any woman with kids at this point as a result.. I know I'd make a good step-parent because I have been a good one.. but it's so very taxing emotionally.. DSD was so worth the effort though.. but now, to have her ripped away from me.. it hurts way too much.. I don't know if I could handle the risk of something like that happening again.. KWIM?


See.. I'm in the catch 22 of what I posted above.. and finding someone I have confidence is a good 'family' person. Much easier to gauge when they have kids of their own how they approach parenting and family.. but then again I'm looking at someone who either did not commit to a relationship with the 'father' of the child, or someone who is divorced.. and I'd almost disqualify any woman who voluntarily divorced for any reason other than the guy cheating on her as someone who doesn't understand as I do the commitment of marriage.. huge red flag.. big flashing 'DON'T GO THERE' sign..

So it's kind of limited... and frankly scares the heck out of me to put myself back out there.


I may be a youngster relatively speaking but I watched all the Gidget movies with my mom as a kid.. so I've got a pretty good idea where you're comin from

Words from my mouth, amigo.

No advice, just a nod and a yep.

Darn it! I just keep thinking that SOMEDAY it WILL be the easier way!

Well, it is hard at a particular moment in time, but the payoff is much much easier in the long run when you take the high road! Just try to think of it like a saving bond vs immediate payout!

Sorry, I'm not together enough to really post any serious advice tonight.

Well.. another first out of the way.. Sunday came and went without much of an issue. One year to the day that she dropped the bomb that she was leaving. Yup.. fell hook line and sinker for the 'I just need space to think' line.. a year to the day of the worst 'decision' I ever made in my life thinking that the kids would be a good enough reason for her to stay and at least try.


Honestly though, I didn't trigger too badly.. stayed busy around the house, went to eat with DD and my mom.. actually very thankful that we've drawn so much tighter together as a family through all of this.. a blessing in the midst of all of this garbage WW has heaped into our lives.


I was conscious of the date all day yesterday but really didn't dwell on it.. didn't run the events of a year ago over in my head... I've replayed that episode too many times over the past year to put the emotional effort into it.. WW doesn't deserve the energy anyhow..


Missing DS.. first whole weekend in over a month that I haven't been able to give him a hug or tuck him into bed at least once.. I get to see him on Wednesday though, so just another couple days I keep telling myself..


Staying busy at work.. the band thing is picking up and we've now got 3 shows before the end of next month planned.. then we'll sequester ourselves in the recording process again until the album is done.. should be a lot of fun, I finally heard everything 'together' in a recording last night and it's sounding a hundred times better than I thought it would.. so must be doing something right... keeping myself focused..

My three words at the moment are: Consentration, Cancellation, Continuation..

James,

Another day on the calendar come and gone. It's a memory that will likely never leave us, but one that we do get control of so that it does not control every aspect of our lives. You would have never believed that a year ago, but look at yourself now.


You are doing MANY things right! Chief among them is being the best Father you can to your kids!! Give yourself many pats on the back for how far you have come, too!

And you are right, she is not worth expending the energy on right now. You have many other things in your life that deserve that time/energy! Stay focused.


Have a great week!

Well.. briefly time for an update.

Life's been kind of rolling along.. been spending a fair bit of time with DS and DD.. been kind of a good summer in that regard, and looking forward to next summer when the guidelines say I get half of the summer break.

The appraisal has happened.. the funny part is that in her response that she was fine with the appraisal she stated that I'd not accounted for many things in my initial disclosure and she was concerned that it would happen with the appraisal as well... then her visit happened at the law office she works at rather than her apartment, and is missing.. among many other things.. DS' $400 battery powered Mustang.. actually she only disclosed the van and her laptop... the appraiser never made it to her apartment apparently.

Meanwhile I on the other hand turned him loose in the house and told him to put down everything he thought might be worth anything..

I'm developing a strong appreciation for irony throughout this process for sure.

She said she would agree to an additional day during the week, but refuses to agree to allowing me to keep him overnight on the days that I have him (other than the Friday and Saturday nights on the weekends he is with me).. her reasoning is that we live in different school districts and he will be starting school next year. Not like I haven't shown that I can get the little guy off to daycare (which transports his sister to school in her district already) the weeks I've had him over the summer...


I think I'm starting to get somewhere in this.. but in the end I doubt we'll come to a total agreement.. her bottom line is dependent upon a big CS payment each month.. my bottom line is trying to do what is best for DS, and that is having a daily involvement with both his parents and not having to go a week or even 5 days at a time without seeing one of them. If she's not agreeable to that.. what is best then? Well.. best would be for him to come home and have the best primary role model out of the two of us.. having a parent that will put him first above their own selfish wants and desires.

All we have to wait for now is Mediation.. and then court..

In other news.. the band is doing well.. we've played a few shows to get our feet wet and are looking forward to our big festival gig in two weeks. We've got a two hour spot on a local radio show on Sunday to do, so there's a good bit of hype surrounding the band these days. It's been amazingly healthy mentally to get back out there and play.. and have the thrill of being on stage in front of people again.. it's definitely helped me have something other than the divorce and WW to focus on when I don't have DS.

I've had a few opportunities to go out with some women I've met along the way.. took a pass on all of them so far.. I don't know that I'll wait long once the D is final though.. I can see some possibilities with a few of these women.. no worries though, I'm in no rush.. and certainly no hurry to involve them with DS or DD until I'm sure it's serious..

Moving on.. moving forward.. just moving some days.. but it's going on.

Thanks for the update, James. I saw on a few threads that you were not up to providing an update yet.

I'm glad the band is helping you find some peace of mind. It's good to be distracted sometimes.

Hang in there, James. You're a good dad - and that counts for alot in my book. FWIW.

Fox

Yeah.. the emotional thing..

I guess I didn't really say anything about it above in my update.. Not that I don't think about it.. I think dwelling on it as much as I have lately is the real problem.

I've been struggling about DSD again.. largely brought on by the very tragic death of my guitar players... girlfriends... 9 year old boy.

My guitar player (also a BS) has pretty much been in the 'dad' role even though they have no intention of getting legally married for about 5 years now, and I count both he and his girlfriend as very dear friends of mine.. matter of fact they were the first to have their hands out to help me get back to my feet and back out into the world when my comparitively minor crisis erupted last year about the same time.. so it was important to me to show my support for them.. and pay my respects to a little boy who would have won the hearts of anyone here.

Anyhow... basically I just needed some space to process.. to grieve, as much for the boy as for the time I've lost.. and may never get with DSD.. how truly special she is to me.. and of course there's all the time I ought to be able to have with DS but because of this selfish decision has been taken away from both him and I..

In the last few weeks.. there's been a lot of resentment.. a lot of anger.. a lot of tears.. and in the end.. it makes no difference.. you just have to go through it and let time start the healing process..

No words of wisdom here, just a for a great guy and father.

I'm so sorry to hear that, James.

It makes all this stuff from the waywards seem all the more senseless, cruel, and thoughtless.

My heart goes out to you and your friends.

Fox

James,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss and that of your friends. The loss of a child is truly the worst imaginable event in any parent's life.

In so many ways, the consequences of divorce are in fact, a form of the same thing. We lose so much of our children in the whole split custody. Then, for step parents like us, we also lose our step kids.

It's no wonder you have been on the emotional down side since this event. Please take special care of yourself while you work through this.

Several years ago, one of Drac's BFs lost his daughter. Drac to this day states that that event was/is cataclysmic to the events every day since then. I don't know if it's the truth, an excuse or a crutch. I do know that it's a horrific event and it needs to be dealt with by each person so as not to continue to negatively impact your life.