Hi all. New user here. I did some searching but could not find this exact request....I would really like to hear from some women who did not have their emotional needs met, became disconnected from the H and worked through it and are happy or happier now than they were before. Maybe you had an emotional affair or even a sexual affair with someone else but somehow found your way back to your husband. My WW was involved in some type of affair and the day I busted her was INSTANTLY ice cold. All my fault, unhappy for years, yada yada. I don't want to go into the story in this forum. I will post my "Just found out" story in the correct forum and link it here once I do.

Maybe there are success stories out there at the end of long forums but I did not find any although I didn't read every posting in every forum. I did not see a specific forum for success stories. We are two months into this and occasionally I could use some encouragement and it would be nice to read some true success stories from the women who actually went through it. I think it would help ANY man understand what his wife is feeling.

Thanks,

Jim

Acutally, there are many stories of success here. Every WW, who was invlovled in an EA or a PA felt disconnected from their H. Every single one of them.Once the A has been exposed to the light of day, it is not fun anymore. At that point the WS, male or female, becomes angry and blames the BS.

Keep reading.
Read Surviving an Affair. Read all the aritcles on this sight. your story is the same as every other Betrayed Spouse here. Your W had an A which was fun and romantic and made her feel "special". But now the fun, and that "special" feeling has been exposed to the light of day, and looks like the monster that it really is. So she is mad. And lashes out at the closest person - you.

If you need to see a particalur set of threads - look at anything involving Mr and/or Mrs Wondering.

Ace has put together a Success Story thread and I will bump it up for you.

I am a FWW who completely checked out of my marriage prior to my A. My Story and also my DH's story are on page 8 of the thread. Ace graciously took the time to post Part 1 and 2 of my version and then my DH's (Docp) post is right after mine.

We have successfully rebuilt our marriage

I hope you find the thread helpful.

LC

also any post by Resonance, or KiwiJ, they too were WW who found love and a connection again with their husbands......

oh, and welcome by the way. If you stick around you will find many to help you....but I will say that you may need to post a few more details so we know what you need help with...

Also, Dr. H says that it takes 2yrs to recover from an affair. YOu are still early yet.....but from all the stories around here, it is worth it....

not2fun

Jim,

I wanted to add another thought to what I said yesterday. I was so disconnected in my marriage that at least a year prior to my A I opened a secret bank account and was setting myself up financially to leave my H.

By some divine intervention or whatever my DH started meeting my needs and I started to see him in a whole new light (this all happened before I confessed my A, which led to my confession). We knew nothing about MB at the time.

Now that we are meeting each others needs I can't imagine my life without my DH.

Familiarize yourself with Plan A and do your very best to meet your W's needs.

LC

I don't know your whole story. My NC began almost immediatley and I still walked around in the fog for awhile. It's been 5 months since our D-Day and I can tell you that things didn't really start to get clearer til around 3 months. Coming to MB has taught me so much. Who knew about the fog... I just thought I was loosing my mind! I disconnected from my husband so much that it literally felt like I was living two lives. And I convinced myself that they were somehow unrelated. I even disconnected from God, (because I knew I was wrong) and my children. But I am back now! "The fog has lifted." And there is no where else I'd rather be than at home with my DH and kiddos.

Our first MC session when the C asked why I thought I had an A, I burst into tears and started rambling about my husband not giving the kids a bath! Insane!

Jim, I'm probably not the poster you want to read about since my M did fail, but that was due to WstbxH's affair, not my unmet ENs. My top ENs went unmet throughout my M. When we were just dating, he was affectionate, he liked to socialize and he enjoyed many types of RC with me. Immediately after we were married, he stopped socializing, gradually became less affectionate to the point that he hadn't touched me anywhere other than the fun parts during SF in over a decade (i.e. hand holding or whatever), and spent virually all of his time in front of his computer or tv. So I was starved for affection, socialization and a recreational companion. I did struggle with it over the years - talked to then-DH about them and tried everything I could to convince him to at least make an effort. I didn't know about MB, so I made a lot of mistakes in how I approached these things. He just kept saying that's who he is and that's who I married and that's that. But I didn't have an affair in an attempt to solve this.

How I dealt? First off, I resigned myself to an affectionless marriage. I actually spent years crying over this but I did come to accept that this was my lot in life. Second, I invested in my own hobby, horseback riding. This fulfilled my other 2 ENs safely because over 95% of people into horses are women - many in the same boat as me. So I had a social group of women who were also recreational companions. I also invested more in my career and became quite successful. Honestly, as recently as 2 weeks before D-day I was reflecting on how fulfilling my life was.

So though my story didn't work out, it wasn't because my ENs weren't being met. It's quite possible that my personal investment in my career and my hobby contributed to my failure to meet his ENs, though he was also a workaholic and I was able to do most of that stuff when he wasn't home anyway.

Having said all this, now that my M is over, I will never, EVER accept an affectionless relationship again. I will also be very leary of first, second, third and even 12th impressions since I dated WstbxH for 3 years before we married and his personality changed.

I know I failed to meet my wifes emotional needs for years. I never knew about EN's. She met all of mine so I figured we were good. I accept blame for that. She strayed but will not admit to it. If you read many of the other postings, it is my story. "We're just friends, I haven't been happy for years" and the RAGE she showed toward me like I made her stray. She continues to insist it was a friendship but I have some physical proof that can't be ignored that it was SA. I have implemented PLAN A but if she will not even admit to it being an SA, will it work? Part of PLAN A is requiring NC which she claims is not necessary since she claims nothing happened (which is BS).

Jim,

She is following what is referred to as "the wayward script". IOW, she is saying typical things a wayward would say.

Have you exposed the A to anyone? If it's "just a friendship" then your W won't mind other people knowing, right? My guess is she would mind very much if you started telling people about her "friendship", which means it's not really, but we both already know that.

Your W wants to cake eat, don't let her. Show her your proof and expose the A. Exposure makes waywards very angry, but they get over the anger.


Plan A works, keep doing it. My DH unknowingly did a version of plan A and it changed my whole view of him. As for your W denying the A, she is in the fog. Let her see your proof then she can no longer deny.

Is the OM married? If so, expose to his W.

How did she meet him?

Read threads about exposure, you will find some of the advice helpful.

Post your story here on this thread, this forum has more traffic than Just Found Out and hopefully posters with more experience helping others will jump in and give you advice on what you need to do.

LC

What is your proof?????

This is a very short version of my story. If I type everything out, no one would read the whole thing (I have 25 pages in my daily log). To preface it, I was a bad husband and father. I was missing every emotional need of hers, not being a family leader, very selfish (taker), didn't listen, etc. I kow that does not justify an EA or SA but I do recognize my mistakes and I have been working on correcting them.

June 17 at 10:00 pm the phone rings. Caller ID shows a male neighbors name and a cell number. I answer. "CLICK". I go to W. She is watching TV. I say "why would OM call here and hang up". Her face went stone cold. She says "I don't know". 45 minutes later I get "we need to talk". Shes been unhappy, I wasnt there, yada yada, we all know the story. I ask her if she has been fooling around with him. She insists they are just friends. W was friends with OM's wife for years but they had not talked in 6 - 7 years. When I see OM, I am friendly with him. My W and his W had a falling out. Now OM and his wife are offically divorced as of last week. W said she ran into OM at a baseball field where our kids play, talked about his pending divorce and he just needed someone to talk to. They both hate his now ex-wife and misery loves company. I start digging. About 3 hours cell phone between them and over 1100 text messages over a three week period. I asked to see her phone. All texts to/from him were deleted but others remained (ie, no global deleting, just individual). Also, his name was in her phone book as the letter "A". When I asked, she first said she did that because she knew I'd get jealous. Two days later she said she did that so she wouldn't have to scroll down to send texts. (Hard to keep those lies straight, huh?) She admitted to an in person meeting once in a public place while his house was being shown and he had to take his dog out of the house so she went and met him at a park on her bike.

A week after D-Day she files for divorce. I ask for counseling. she says it is too late, been unhappy too long, etc, etc. Eventually she says she'll go so I can feel like I tried. The following 4-5 weeks were ugly. Lots of massive MB, mostly from me (i.e cheating wh*re, etc). It took me a while to get off that roller coaster but I have. We managed a week of no MB and started counseling. The divorce was officially withdrawn from the court 8/1/08. We are in counseling now.

As far as my "evidence" of SA. W and I were fooling around a few weeks prior to D-Day. There was male discharge present in her. I said nothing to her at the time but I have felt it enough times during past sessions over 17 years to know what it was. I remember specifically noticing it and thinking WTF. Then I thought it couldn't be, I must be nuts and really did not give it another thought until D-Day when it hit me. During a major MB I revealed this and she instantly made the excuse she was having her period and I was crazy. Two problems with that are I stay away when Aunt Flo is around and she got her period a week after that happened. So I have no physical evidence of SA that I can present but at the time I had evidence in hand (yuck) but I just didn't realize it at the time.

There has been NC between her and OM using cell/text or e-mail. She is very aware of some serious tech abilities I have (network admin, computer forensics) and I don't think she'd even trust that the home phone is not being monitored.

For the sake of the rest of this post, please assume that there has been NC between W and OM since the day after D-Day. I will deal with proving or disproving that soon, but go with me on this when considering replies. Don't tell me I am an idiot for assuming this because I am not assuming it, I just want you to.

My concerns are:

She refuses to admit to SA. I think guilt is eating her alive. I have been doing PLAN A for two weeks and she is seeing I am changed. My kids have commented, my co-workers have commented and I know W has seen a change. I CAN forgive and work through it but I think she is afraid and would rather divorce than have to admit it. I know all the books say she needs to admit it but I cannot force it out of her. I am hoping our MC will be able to convince her. Will she eventually be able to admit it? If she sees PLAN A and realizes I can change, she might fear the admission will cause me to file for divorce.

Next, notifying everyone of the SA. We have been doing good for 2 weeks. It would be a big step backwards. Second, neither of us have any family for me to tell...NO ONE. The OM is divorced now so his ex wouldn't care. I know this happened about 8 weeks prior to their divorce being final but their marriage was over anyway. We have a few friends I could expose it to but since there has been NC for almost two months, I think it would be a mistake. I can see no benefit at this point. If I find there is still contact, I will do it but the number of people in our lives is limited.

I know I need to get the SAA book but I'd love to hear some comments and suggestions.

This morning I did more reading and I am a bit confused about my choice of PLAN A. PLAN A is something done to bust the A. At the moment I have no evidence that the A has continued. It may have ended 2 months ago. I continue to show WW that I can be the H that she has deserved to have all these years. She seems happier. Do I show affection? Hold hands during a movie? Go for walks? I am fearing that the more I do this, the closer she will get to me and the less likly she will admit to the SA. However, the ultimate goal is to get her closer, right? :crosseyedcrazy:

Crushed,
Yes that is the goal. You are the BS - it's up to you when you are ready to be closer to her. Is she trying to get close to you? It was my WH's persistence in R that opened me up to being close to him again. If your WW is showing you she is fully committed to R then you have to do the same. Holding back isn't going to help. The more connected I started to feel I also started to feel more confident in my questionning him and he was an open book. He now pretends the EA never happened.

G

Jim,

Thanks for sharing your story, it always helps to have background info to go off of.

MC should help and if he/she is a good one will get her to want to tell the truth.

It's good she is noticing the changes.


Did you tell her this? If not, you should. The hard part will be if/when she does fess up it will be very important for you to control your reaction. The reason I say this is because you are asking her to tell you and telling her you want to work it out. if you freak out at her she will be afraid to tell you anything and will be reluctant from that point forward.

I'm not saying you have to act like it's all OK, just be sure to listen and let her finish. Thank her for telling the truth and if you are ready to explode tell her you are going for a walk, you need to sit alone for a few minutes, or whatever. I'm also not saying you can't react, but if you want her to share stuff she has to feel "safe" doing so or she will not share again.

If she is afraid and has no idea how to say it, ask her to write out what she has to say and have her read it to you. My DH and I at the time had no communication skills so that is what I did with my confession. I knew sitting face to face with him telling him I had cheated on him was going to be the most difficult thing I had ever done in my life and also knew I would leave stuff out. I decided to write it all down and had intended to read it to him. he chose to take the paper and read it himself.

Little did I know that would not be the worst conversation we would have. The worst one was when he asked me to share all the details of the A. That was the absolute most humiliating day of my life. Wish I had time to write that one out, too because there were things I didn't tell him, not intentionally, just that it was so overwhelming to remember it all on the spot. After that initial tell all session I did tell him anything and everything I could recall as it came up. IMO, it ended up being like slowly ripping a bandage off because as I remembered things I would share them. He also knew he was free to ask me to explain in more detail or answer questions he had.


This brings one question to mind.

Then why does she still want to remain friends?

BTW, I think I might know the answer to this question so I will give my opinion. Even if they are not texting/calling, just seeing him out and about in the yard, driving home from work, at the baseball field, shoot even just seeing his car and knowing he is home is satisfying her fix of him. In saying that, I do assume you read how affairs are addictions to the feel goods.

I worked with and lived by my FOM for 2 years after I ended the A. At first we tried the "friend thing" then we decided to keep everything at a professional level. We thought we succeeded at it, but in all reality I remained stuck in my own recovery because I just couldn't let go of the fix I got by simply getting look at him. Does that make sense? Somehow you need to distance yourselves from him.

I know situations can be different, but I am telling you this from a BTDT POV, now knowing I wasted 2 years of recovery time by remaining stuck in needing a fix. Even though I was fully committed to my DH and my marriage I still was addicted to the way my FOM made me feel.

If I were you I would tell his XW anyway. If she isn't already aware it may help her make sense of a lot of things that didn't make sense prior to their D. If she is aware and has been it's a shame she didn't tell you. You won't know unless you ask her though.

I have to cut it here because I have a ton of stuff to do today.

BTW, a couple of good books to pick up are After the Affair by Janis Spring and Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. Check your local library and you won't have to necessarily buy them.

LC

Plan A is to change how she sees you and show her how much you love her. Exposure is to bust up the A. (well that's the way I understand it anyway.)

The answer to all of your questions are YES. Do everything you can to make her feel special. IMO, she will be more inclined to tell the truth if she feels safe and loved.

LC (now I really need to get off the computer)

Hi Jim,

Sorry you are going through this. Been there, done that, unfortunately.

I just want to point out what I see as a big red flag:

"W was friends with OM's wife for years but they had not talked in 6 - 7 years. When I see OM, I am friendly with him. My W and his W had a falling out. Now OM and his wife are offically divorced as of last week. W said she ran into OM at a baseball field where our kids play, talked about his pending divorce and he just needed someone to talk to. They both hate his now ex-wife and misery loves company."

My gut feeling is that this affair started 6-7 years+ ago. Maybe OM's wife found out and that's why she and your wife don't speak anymore, as well as why OM and his wife divorced. It's just a little funny that she was BF's with his wife, they never speak again, OM gets divorced and your wife is suddenly having an affair with him.

Also Jim, by the time waywards admit to affair and say they want to leave, it has likely been ongoing for years. I am guessing that OM called and hung up because your wife was supposed to tell you she was leaving you and kept putting it off. OM was probably getting irritated.

The only positive thing I see is that she withdrew the divorce. I think she has cold feet and doesn't know what she wants now. Another common thing that happens. They get stuck. That is the only area where you have a chance with her.

Also, don't beat yourself up too much over areas that you were lacking in. A marriage is a work in progress and BOTH sides are usually lacking. I admire you because when it was brought to your attention, you stepped up to the plate and are willing to work on what you perceive as your shortcomings, while simultaneously forgiving the unforgivable. A lot of waywards don't speak up when they aren't happy and then blame the poor cuckhold for "causing" their affair. Very cowardly in my humble opinion but I guess very human.

Good luck.

Jim

""W was friends with OM's wife for years but they had not talked in 6 - 7 years. When I see OM, I am friendly with him. My W and his W had a falling out. My gut feeling is that this affair started 6-7 years+ ago. Maybe OM's wife found out and that's why she and your wife don't speak anymore I am guessing that OM called and hung up because your wife was supposed to tell you she was leaving you and kept putting it off. OM was probably getting irritated."

I thought the same thing but had some doubts at first. After reading Shattered's post I no longer have doubts.

She never said she wanted to remain friends with OM. She insisted they were "just friends" but never said she'd continue to talk to him. Without my asking, his name was removed from her phonebook in her cell.

Because of the summer, WW cannot just go out and meet because we have kids. However, with school starting in a few weeks, that brings a bit more freedom. I have taken the necessary steps to keep tabs once school starts so I am not worried.


She has repeatedly insisted it was a freindship. By my telling her this, she will accuse me of being non-trusting. (Which I am of course). We are seeing MC in both individual settings and as a couple. I plan on telling the MC my feelings and if he knows how I feel he may be able to guide her. Honestly I have accepted that it was most likely an SA and I am past that part. The admission from her is what I need to restore some of the TRUST.

No, it started this May. I am certain of that. When I said he was a neighbor, he is actually a former neighbor. We moved out of the immediate neighborhood three years ago. We are still in the same town but that's it.

In October 2007, my wife sat me down. She told me that she was really unhappy in our relationship, felt unloved and so on. She talked of separating then. I convinced her that I could change and she agreed to give us a chance. I met her EN's for about 3 days. This is before I even knew what EN's were. I didn't learn about all the HNHN's stuff until after D-Day when it hit me like a punch in the gut. So I know she was feeling alone in the marriage back then but I was not educated enough at the time to see the warning signs and even when she told me, I did not understand. Now I know that she has been feeling alone in this marriage for years, maybe 10 or more. I AM A TAKER....er, I WAS a taker.

This concerns me. See, when a WS accuses a BS of "not trusting" it is usually a tactic to get the BS to SHUT UP and stop asking questions. That is a sign of insincerity. The solution, as you rightly realize, is not to tell you to shut up and trust, but to take steps to EARN trust. And the way she earns your trust is by being radically honest with you. I do not believe either that you are getting anything close to the full truth.

As long as she has secrets with the OM to which you are not privy, you won't - and shouldn' - trust her.

I suspect, like the others, that this affair has been going on much longer than you know. This is why I think it would be helpful for you to call the OMW and ask her what she knows about this. It may have very well been the thing that led to their divorce.

Dr. Harley SPECIALIZES in adultery and has 35 years of clinical experience in saving marriages. Here is what he says it will take to effect recovery of a marriage:

entire article

UPDATE:

This morning she came into the bedroom, moved the covers and lay next to me very close (spooning). I held her and rubbed her back and head. We held each other for 20 - 30 minutes or so. Her affection seems to be returning. She asked if I loved her and I told her more than I ever have. She told me that she didn't think I loved her. I told her that with what I now know about EN's and relationships, I could totally understand why she would feel that way (validating :-)). She was full of smiles and very loving.

We are sleeping in separate bedrooms. I have serious insomnia which I am ungoing treatment for. I toss and turn, lay awake for 2+ hours and so on. It has been like this all my life and this situation made it worse. I was living on 2 - 3 hours sleep for a few weeks. Now I am up to about 5 hours per night on a good night. I was keeping her up so she sleeps in a different bedroom. Additionally, she has been asking me to get help for it for 15 years but I did not consider how it affected her so I never did...until now. To everyone reading this, you really have no idea how bad I was missing the mark as a husband and parent. From not attenting kids activities to sitting in my office leaving her alone every night in our bedroom. Once I read HNHN's it was like a light bulb went on. This poor woman! How did she make it 17 years to begin with? Still no excuse for any type of A but I really feel bad she was living in this HeII. And had I been there doing the right things, A would never have happened.

I see us moving in the right direction over the last two weeks. I view 8/1/08 as the starting date of our attempt at reconciliation. That was the date the divorce was dropped an I felt a huge weight off my shoulders. So we are only talking 16 days. I know it could take a long time for her to reconnect but this morning was very positive for me.

The way I feel (I can forgive), if she can be honest about everything, we are going to make it.