I agree. His was one for the history books.

BFRH,

I see that I have been mentioned several times in your post so I’ll give you my perspective as a BH who exposed immediately. You can read my post for all the details but I’ll give you a few so that it all makes sense.

I caught my WW and OM going at it in one of my rental houses and after confronting them, immediately called both OMW and their employer since he was her boss. Long story short, OMW threatened to throw him out and take him for all he was worth if he ever talked to my WW again. That was all it took for him to drop her like hot potato. There employer also fired both of them. I heard the “ you have ruined any chance we had, there’s no need to go to counseling because it’s over, I’ll hate you forever for embarrassing me and getting me fired, It’s all your fault” for several weeks. BUT, I firmly believe that the immediate exposure and its related consequences are what shook my WW back to reality and back to wanting to work on our marriage.

In fact, in our first MC session which was over a month after d-day and exposure, she admitted to the MC that if we had come to see him a month earlier that she would not have been interested in hearing what he had to say. See BFRH, I truly believe that most people start MC too early. It took a month of exposure, its consequences, and a pretty good Plan A before she was ready to even listen. Most WS’s only go to counseling to appease the BS and to be make peace with themselves that they “tried” to save the marriage. They are looking for justification in their mind to end their marriage and continue their affair with “the love of their life.”

Until the affair has ended through NC and your WW sees your commitment to recovery through your Plan A, MC has almost ZERO chance of having even a minimal influence on the WS. I personally think that you would be better served to EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE and then do your best at Plan A before you ever even consider going to a MC. Most MC’s do more damage than good this early after d-day when the WS is still contacting and active in their affair.

I know it may sound crazy right now, but at this point, exposure will do MUCH MORE for your marriage than marriage counseling. Let me know if I can help in any way.

Thank you everyone for your help. We are still going to MC today. But i believe she is mostly going to make herself feel better.

We will see how it goes.

I talked to the MC more this morning he wants me to wait on exposure because he has seen it make things worse, dunno how it could get any worse...

I prayed this morning to leave it up to God, I have been trying to figure out everything my self, what is the smartest thing to do.

In reality I know God loves my wife and kids more than I do. He has a plan I will wait to here from Him. I will know it will be time to expose when I will feel like I dont want to anymore, but there will be that nagging spirit in my head telling me to do so.

As for California this state sucks. I talked to lawyer today. No fault community property. She can do whatever she pleases. It will end up being 50/50, with me paying huge supports, losing the house and dog

Exposure has never made it worse. There is the anger phase that the WS goes through once their cheating ways have been exposed. Making all kinds of threats.

But they are empty threats.

Exposure is the best tool to end an affair. Not all affairs can be ended. Some affairs are exit affairs and the WS was planning on leaving. Exposure just pushed up the departure date.

In that case isn't it better to end a bad marriage instead of suffering and false hopes?

BFRH,

Please do a search on Mortarman screen name...there was a great thread on how to fight for custody of your kids...which is crucial...so you prepare now for what may (or may not) come later.

Just like you talked to a lawyer...look up his posts (they are a ways back).

Great choice on the praying...because you know God works all the time. There are stories on MB where the WS exposed themselves, were exposed by others...and most of the time, the BS does the exposure...and these marriages recovered, BFRH...have hope. God works.

All the time.

LA

How did it go?

What are your thoughts on exposure with no plan A.....Does Harley address that concept?

Hey Big

Man, I know what youre hoping. Youre hoping that it just goes away. You seem to be willing to accept your wife being with someone else,carrying on a short term affair and then it ends. Then you are hoping that she is disgusted with her self. Then you are hoping that this disgust does NOT fade away. Then you are hoping that she learns her lesson and never does it again.

Wow, thats a lot of hoping.

Guilt fades away,bud. The only thing that will END this affair AND built up your marriage is YOU DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT. This affair is all about SECRECY and PLEASURE. You have to make it NOT SECRET and fill it with PAIN for both your wife and other man. When their relationship becomes painful and not fun, it will end. And then you go to work on your marriage. It MAY go away on its own, but if you don't take care of it, IT WILL ALWAYS COME BACK. Because she will be thinking, "I got away with it once, I can do it again"

And, big, this weight thing, start losing it TODAY. Don't say nothing, just start eating right and exercising. I think its shallow as heck to stop loving your husband or wife because they put on weight, but, I really can't deny that its not the nicest thing in the world for a spouse to let himself or herself go once they are married. It really IS important that you try to look your best for your spouse. Lose it man, there really are NO DOWNSIDES to it. Good luck, I understand your hesitation, but I think you will pay for it in the long run.

BFRH,
I really do hope the MC went well. I personally believe that you are fighting a losing battle until you expose this affair and insist on NC.

When I read your situation, I am reminded of the story of the flood victims who were waiting on God to deliver them. They passed on 2 boats and 1 helicopter which came to offer them assistance while waiting on God to save them. When they died and went to heaven they asked God why He didn’t save them to which He responded “ I sent 2 boats and a helicopter what were you waiting on.” Could it be that God is sending you the answers you need through the many experienced members who are trying to help you here. You have heard many who have lived this nightmare share with you the importance of exposure and still your WW and OM are continuing their affair while you just sit and watch it all unfold. Many times God provides us with the tools and expects us to use them to help ourselves.


Please expose to those who can help you end this affair. There isn’t a counselor in the world that can help your marriage until NC is established. You can either stand up and fight for your marriage or you can sit there and do nothing while your wife plays naked twister with her boyfriend. The choice is yours.

BFRH,

I am a FWW and wanted to let you know that what you have been told here by Runnerboy, MelodyLane, turtlehead and others is spot on advice. What a shame it will be if you do nothing. Prolonging exposure does nothing more than prolong your pain. Nothing else matters until the A is over, except a good Plan A. Have you read all the articles on "How to Survive Infidelity?" If not, that would be a great place for you to start.

I wrote a thread called "Inside the Wayward Mind" which may help you understand some of the things you have heard, or will hear, from your WS. It is linked in my sig line.

I really hope you heed the excellent advice of the vets here who are doing their very best to convince you that MCs are a complete waste of time and money for a M with a spouse in an active A. Your MC is poorly equipped to deal with adultery if he/she is telling you to wait. Wait for what, exactly? Wait for you WW to lose any remaining respect for you while she continues to walk all over you? WAITING WILL ONLY PROLONG YOUR AGONY!!!!!!

Stand up and FIGHT! Get behind the wheel of this run-away bus or you will be the one who gets flattened by it.

PS--about God...GOD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES!!!!!!!

edited to add...You are looking for a sign from God on what you should do? Well, God put you HERE for a reason now, didn't He?

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word"

This verse keeps going through my head. She is still my wife and I have to view how I take every step through that verse.

The MC went really well. She opened up a bit, but she did admit she was just there for me to try and make me better and not for her. But I think the counselor made her realize she is so afraid of staying for fear of repeating her parents mistake that she has put up a wall between us and will not allow me in at all. And I think the A is helping facilitate that wall.

She went to bathroom during the session and the counselor advised me not to expose. He said my duty as a husband is to honor love and protect her and pray for Gods protection over her. She is being attacked by evil in the form of the A. She needs protection from that I know.

Last night she told my sister and my sister freaked which made my wife very emotional. My wife cried for a while and she never cries. We talked for about 2 hours with her head on my lap. (She hasn't been able to touch me with a 10 ft pole). We opened up about everything that was going on. We also just chatted and laughed a lot. It felt like some what of a turning point for me, I dunno for her.

I am going to talk to her when we get home, try and get a sense if last night changed anything. I know its not magically fixed, but it was a step away from the direction we had been going for the last three weeks.

Are you still unwilling to expose to the OMW? Regardless of what happens in MC or what your WW says you should expose to the OMW.

Regarding verifying the man's home address/phone...if the OM owns a home, most state have property tax bills or recorded deeds as public records. If you know the city, you can find the county and do an online search on the county treasurer or recorder's website. Once you can know the address you can find the home phone through the internet or operator assistance.

Or you can call 411 or use the internet to find all possibilites and call each home and ask for Mrs. X. Tell her you are trying to get in touch with her husband and ask if her husband's cell # is XXX-XXX-XXXX (or make up whatever sounds like a reasonable story so she doesn't think you are some nut) and if it is you know you have the right house.

BigRed,

The Devil did not make your WW take her clothes off, take pictures, and send them to OM...and God isn't going to make her stop.

You say that when your sister found out about the A, your WW cried and opened up to you afterwards? That's good. Now imagine her reaction after you expose to more people. This only shows you how exposure can work in your favor...doesn't it? What are you waiting for?

Sorry BigRed, but your MC sounds like a quack to me. It's one thing to pray, but it's another for him to tell a BH to "pray for God's protection over her". God is NOT going to end the affair...only she can. And the reaction after the A was exposed to your sister had NOTHING to do with God, and EVERYTHING to do with exposure.

Call OMW, or your WW is still going to be involved with OM.

How exactly is facilitating her affair protecting her???? She isn't being attacked by the affair, she is PARTICIPATING in it!!!! And you are allowing this by not taking steps to stop it!

Here's what you are weighing against:

Embarrassment vs. STDs
Shame vs. Marital breakdown
Chance to redeem herself vs. continual denial and betrayal of you, your family and everyone you know

You want to protect her from the affair - END IT, stop enabling it! Jeesh, you might as well book them a fancy hotel because that's how much you are encouraging it by not doing anything.

I agree...he should just book them a hotel. Then, he can say "the Devil made her do it, and I need to protect her from the Devil".

I cannot believe you are still not contacting OMW, BigRed. You are about to waste a whole lot of money on counselling with this MC...then, you are just going to have to take our advice anyway...get your head out of your [censored] man!!!!!

I finally found the right number. Im calling it. No answer Ill let you know when I make contact.

You are right its time to expose. Talked to her today again and she showed absolutely no remorse.

Good job BigRed.

I know this is a very hard time for you, and the last thing you want to hear is "I've been through it...been there, done that...take my advice...etc...", but we are only giving advice on what has worked for us in the past. No one here can gaurantee that she will end her affair, but what we can gaurantee is that she will definately have a harder time carrying on with it after OMW finds out what is going on between them. That's where you have to start.

WW will probably be pissed, and lash out at you for (and I've heard it all before) "embarrassing her...making her look like a fool...making people think she's a tramp, wh@re, sl@t...etc". Just remember that she did all this on her own...you had no part in it.

Tell OMW what you know, tell her that you want to save your marriage, then let OMW take care of OM from the "other side"...you deal with "your side". Even with the backlash from your WW, it will be easier to handle ending the affair with people working on both sides of the affair to end it. Without OMW on your side...you are screwed....IMO.

Be sure to give us an update...but, I will warn you again...WW will lash out......stand your ground, and don't take a step back.....until NC is established.

So glad to hear you are making that call! As it was I was SO afraid you were setting yourself up for an even worse scenario. Best of luck to you, making that call is not the easiest thing in the world to do but it sure feels good and right after you do it.

<<Lots!

Charlotte

Your MC has it partly right. You should be praying for her. But the most powerful prayer you can pray is that God will allow circumstances to rise up that will break her (or humble her). I and a lot of others prayed this about my husband while he was wayward. The breaking began almost immediately. Part of your PROTECTION of her as her husband IS to pray over her, but it's not necessarily always asking for a hedge of protection for her.

Bump...


How did you make out BigRed?