{{{{{{{{{Chai}}}}}}}}

I can honestly say, of course he is doing this. He is an addict in a full blown addiction and thinking about what is best for anyone but himself just isn't possible.

I just got off the phone with my H's aunt, two months ago her H died. I think I mentioned it on here. Anyways, it was the first time that I contacted WH in Plan B, but I did it through the intermediary and gave him her phone number. I found out that he never called her.

My H loved this aunt more than anyone else in the world. And for him to not call her, just reinforced in a very comforting but weird way that he is absolutely gone into his addiction. In talking with here, she mentioned for the first time ever, that she almost isn't surprised because he never really grew up and its like he has regressed to teenagehood and just wants to start over. His sister made the same observation, which lends itself to the mid life crisis theory and gives me hope that this will all come to an end one day.

It's almost freeing, while I still hold dearly the love for my H it is put in a box and safely tucked it away until the day G-d lets him come home.

He needs prayers to be brought down to his rock bottom. And today I can find some comfort that this is more about him than me.

Ok, enough about him and his drama. And from what I can tell his sister is living her own drama between her hubby and kids. I will be happy to have my son home, even though he won't like the food in the house, but hopefully we will get some food stamps before that.

I'm grateful I'm not too proud to ask for help. I'm grateful that I haven't become bitter over this and today I am grateful that I have my family and children around me because we really are th ones blessed. And I'm grateful that there is enough love in my heart for H, and that its safely tucked away until the day G-d lets me lavish it on him.

Well, I think that tells us alot about the sitch over in Affairland. Sounds like money is tight. Hang in there because that whole mess is going to implode one day soon, and your WH is going to be one lost puppy dog.

You are really doing well Queenie, and I don't know how but I'm sure this experience will be of benefit to us someday, somehow, somewhere.

I wish you were close enough to come to my house for dinner. I don't have much either, but I'm willing to share what I have. I'm a pretty good cook when I'm motivated to do it.

Oh contrare, the money seems to have gotten way better on his side. He can eat out for lunch and isn't paying his bills, so he has alot of money to spend on what? I have no clue. I do know it's not coming to me or the children.

I asked his aunt to please ask his other aunt to pray for him in church. She is very active in her BIG Mormon Church. Having more people pray for him can only help.

Oh Chai, I wished we lived closer together, then we could cry on each others shoulders, plot our revenge against you know what's and then laugh at our inventive we are.

I bet you are an amazing cook. And you have lots in life, like me, just not cash. But in the end, you can't take that with you, what we have is relationships and self-respect, which is what we CAN take with us.

Hey Queenie,

Hows it going?
Loving these new icons




Lil

Hi Queenie,

Sounds like you are managing the rollercoaster ride just fine!

Keep on choosing what works for you...and letting the rest go.

Hi Lil and Luna,

I seem to really be doing ok for the most part. There was a dip in the heart and emotions today, but I got through it and didn't wallow too long.

My YS is coming home on Tuesday and I am really looking forward to that. My kids have seemed to all make up and are talking together again which warms my heart.

But it's 4am and I haven't been able to fall asleep. Something is eating at me. I have prayed, talked to G-d and just layed in bed, minute after minute.

There was a guy tonight at my AA meeting who found out he has a severe cancer and was given 30 days to 2 years. I sat in there thinking if I had 30 days to live what would I do differently. And you know, there is really only ONE thing I want in life. I could give up all my possessions, I could not ever make it to Israel which is my dream, all I want is to see my H again and talk to him and have him call me Bright Eyes and hold me and have me feel safe in his arms.

I know, stop it Queenie. I will. :crosseyedcrazy:

I'm just exhausted, lonely, and wide awake. Not good combination.

I wish someone else was up to talk with. :RollieEyes:

Have a great day everyone. Maybe I will fall asleep at the pool today.. It's supposed to be over 90.

Queenie,

A big to you.

Hang on, the coaster will go up again. I've actually had an UP week so far. I enjoy them while they are here. These are the weeks where I could tell WH to f-off and not even care about it. Don't know what causes the change in emotions to roll in, but they do. I guess maybe it's part of Plan B and keeping dark.

Actually, I am a pretty good cook, just a little out of practice I guess since I don't cook too much for myself.

Have to run now, and I work until 11pm, so will try to catch up later.

Psalm 77 from The Message, a modern English translation.

1 I yell out to my God, I yell with all my might, I yell at the top of my lungs. He listens.

2-6 I found myself in trouble and went looking for my Lord;
my life was an open wound that wouldn't heal.
When friends said, "Everything will turn out all right,"
I didn't believe a word they said.
I remember God—and shake my head.
I bow my head—then wring my hands.
I'm awake all night—not a wink of sleep;
I can't even say what's bothering me.
I go over the days one by one,
I ponder the years gone by.
I strum my lute all through the night,
wondering how to get my life together.

7-10 Will the Lord walk off and leave us for good?
Will he never smile again?
Is his love worn threadbare?
Has his salvation promise burned out?
Has God forgotten his manners?
Has he angrily stalked off and left us?
"Just my luck," I said. "The High God goes out of business
just the moment I need him."

11-12 Once again I'll go over what God has done,
lay out on the table the ancient wonders;
I'll ponder all the things you've accomplished,
and give a long, loving look at your acts.

13-15 O God! Your way is holy!
No god is great like God!
You're the God who makes things happen;
you showed everyone what you can do—
You pulled your people out of the worst kind of trouble,
rescued the children of Jacob and Joseph.




Since all I could do is detract from what is already there, I'll check back later...In case you have any questions...

Shabbat Shalom!

Mark

Ok, I'm just exhausted enough to be crying my heart out for this Psalm.

thanks...

I still love having those sermons sir.

Hi Queenie,


You are right, Queenie...it's not a good combination.

How are you doing now?

Hi Luna,

I went back to bed and finally fell asleep. I'm really groggy so I am heading out to the pool to just sit and read the bible. A Christian version that is about AA recovery and the steps.

And then read HNHN and see what else I can fit into my brain and keep it out of where it shouldn't.

Thanks for asking. I'm very grateful the sun is out to entertain me today.

Sounds so much more personal than when we think of "crying out to God." He understands what we are going through. He accepts us even when we are angry and hurt. He hears us when we whisper His Name, but he also keeps listening when we shout at the top of our lungs.



Why is it that we tend to only look to Him when we need something. It's after we have dug ourselves into a whole so deep that we don't see the opening where we began that we realize that we need Him to get us out.

And our friends... They say "It'll all work out. Just trust God. Things will get better." But of course we are in pain right now. We don't need relief later, we need it NOW. We think of God and wonder why He doesn't seem to be answering us NOW.



We agonize over the choices we made. We question everything we ever did. Did it have any meaning or purpose at all in the scheme of life? We lay awake all night worrying about the outcome but also thinking that if we had just done something differently, things might be better NOW. "If only I'd done it this other way instead of the way I did, I might not be facing this trouble right NOW.

But that's just it. It is the consequences of what we did and though God wants so very much for us to not suffer, He let's the consequences of our actions and the actions of those around us play out in all their power. He sees us suffer and suffers along with us, just as we suffer when our children are suffering because of their choices. He is not punishing us, but simply allowing us to reap what we have sown.

We try to stay busy so we don't have to think about it. We wonder what we will do NOW.



We wonder if this is it, that God is done with us. We pray, we cry out, we shout, we plead...we even demand and still God seems to watch in silence.

"Maybe He has given up on us," we think. We think He is like US and that He has finally given up on us and left us totally alone to deal with our sorrow by ourselves. We even judge Him, the God of the universe, the same God that had done so much down through the ages. We judge Him to have decided that He will not send help because He is tired of dealing with our constant troubles and problems. He has gone out of the business of helping those in need.

We pray and say we are giving it all to him, but then we wring our hands and want to do it ourselves. So He let's us struggle because we are still not understanding what it is He expects. He expects us to trust Him and rely on Him to get us through, but we keep looking for our own answers, for the things we want Him to do rather than the things He wants to do for us.



Eventually, if we stop our self pity and look at all He has already done, the miracles He has already performed throughout history, We begin to see it. This Is what He expects us to remember. These are the things that show us His power and prove to us His might, His strength and His LOVE for us.

He led us through the sea on dry ground. He drove out the enemies before us. He gave us His laws and commands to help us avoid just the very things we are suffering the consequences of right NOW. He has already done so much for us and we too easily forget that He still wants to do more.

We can trust Him NOW because we can see what He has already done. We can know that His ways are the best ways and that what He wants for us is so much better than what we want because He has already showed us by His actions that His promises are kept and that He is not like us at all...



The word Holy means "set apart" and He is HOLY. He is not like any other. His ways are not like our ways. No one is like HIM!

He's the God who makes things happen. He is the One who keeps His promises. He actively works on our behalf.

He led Jacob out of slavery and defeated the greatest army on Earth with His power and with nature and with the sea that obeys His command. The UNIVERSE is waiting for His call to intervene in our troubles.

He WILL lead us out of this mess we find ourselves in. We KNOW this and can BELIEVE it because we have seen it first hand. He has NEVER failed to keep a promise...

Even His promise to let us decide what we will do.

He WILL lead us through this...

If we follow Him and let Him do it His way...

[/sermon of the week]

Shalom, Queenie!

HIS peace be with you...

Let Him take care of the details and REST in His promises that He loves you and wants what is BEST for you.

Mark

Hi Queenie,


It's always a good sign when you can appreciate what sometimes can taken for granted....
Reading by the pool? Sounds good. Hope you enjoyed it.

Queenie,

I am praying that Mark's post brought you even just a portion of the peace that it brought to me when I read it!

Outstanding, Mark! What a wonderous, thoughtful, well written reminder of our human frailty & faults, yet God's nature and love is so much greater than all of that - so much greater than we can imagine!!

Thank you!

Hi Queenie,


I don't know Mark as poster very well... but I agree with Bugs... he has offered you (and all of us) a very insightful post with much care and knowledge...and I certainly want to be added to the list of those who appreciate the input of a very wise, patient, compassionate person... whose belief and trust in G-d deeply touches me. Thank you Mark.

Marks sermon was great! To read that and it makes so much sense.

Hope your Sunday is a good one.

Hey Queenie,

Havent seen you around for a while. Hows it going?
Still praying for you, have a great day



Lil

HI pretty lady! I haven't heard from you either and wanted to check in on you...

from reading, it appears that we are bother in the mode of turning to God...seems like I'm always praying for something...I loved Mark post, that was really awesome...WAY TO GO MARK!!

You are in my thoughts and prayers...you know you are exactly where you need to be right now...hard to believe sometimes and harder to be there but it's progress not perfection...

Remember to keep it simple...enjoy the little things around you, like the sun...there are roses among the thorns...just have to keep a sharp eye...

Love you!
Rin

Mark, you are absolutely amazing and so grounded. Thank you.

Early on in this journey and with the help of being in AA I realized that each time I came to this place of pain and depth of despair was a lesson or feeling that I had to work through. I can honestly say I don't just ask to have the relief, but ask his help in walking through this and what are the lessons that I need to learn during the painful times. I don't like them, but I have come to trust him enough that I need to keep walking.

And that's just it, the pain of what I have done, and now the consequences of reaping what I have so overflow my heart with guilt because I simply should have been stronger and not allowed my life to spiral out of control the way it did. That's why I can't forgive myself. I should have reminded myself how needy my H was and not taken his love for granted. But selfishly I wanted more than what he was giving me so learned to survive with IB and it was those behaviors that I believe ultimately led him to this A and I have lost him. I can comprehend these are my consequences, they just seem to severe and it has destroyed a family along with 3 children, the innocent ones and I don't know how to be ok with that.

I so see that I do this. And when I realize it, I pray for his knowledge of his will and the means to carry it out. This is such a part of my 10th step every morning and night. How fortunate for me to have AA in my life and help me to keep this in focus. But I'm prone to failure, imagine that.

WOW, I keep looking for the signs and the answers, and it didn't dawn on me until this, that the answers are already here, I just don't want to see them or find an easier softer way. The answers are really to live his world, follow his laws and just simply know he is G-d and can do anything.

And even knowing all you have written and understanding what you are saying, I have that urge to say I know what is best.

G-d is very inspired by your obedience to him. Thank you. What you have given me is a lot to work through and pray that it becomes a part of my heart and soul.

You are such a blessing to so many of us on here. I am grateful for the sermons you give us.

Hi Lil and Pretty,

Thanks for stopping by. I miss you alot.

Rin,

Woman, it's so awesome to see you. You'll have mail in a few minutes. I miss you girl. Yeah, I do know that I am exactly where I need to be right now. And with that sermon Mark gave I guess I have a lot to keep working through.

Accepting of my consequences or reaping what I had sown. It's hard Rin and since my work on the AA steps is complete, time to get cracking on the Alanon steps. So here we go girl.

Ready?

I have been living life. I find myself more and more each day moving forward, thinking less and less of WH. I find myself healing deeper inside, but Mark's sermon has brought up the sadness of my guilt. I'll just feel it and allow G-d to heal my heart as he is doing because at some point I will have to just simply accept my mistakes and let the consequences be what they are.

The people who rented my house moved in and that was hard for me when I heard it. I think I still held out hope, which was totally unrealistic. My neighbor who works with me also added her two cents about WH never coming home and I had to just block it from my heart.

I had a phone interview for food stamps set up for tomorrow, but the state finally came through and I got half the money that WH owed me. Which is helping. I have paid off the cell phone bill and now that my YS is home, we will see if WH keeps to his threat and turns it off. I actually hope so, so I can go get a new phone and better plan.

Speaking of son, he made it home safe and sound and it was awesome to see him last night. He had text me on Monday night telling me how much he missed me and can't wait to see me and he would like us to have dinner together by cooking fried chicken which he has learned to do. 3 minutes later he asked for OS to get him at airport, alone and could he go over to a friends house. How could I say no. He is a teenager.

So, rather than feeling bad or making him feel a certain way, I say not a problem and told him I was going to go sing instead. He got home, came and visited me for a few minutes and then went on his merry way with his brother.

They ate together at a restaurant down the strip mall and it was such a blessing to have my two boys together enjoying the time with each other. They bonded and played the whole night.

My son brought back a mosaic for me to make of sunflowers. He and his aunt got it for me. I love sunflowers.

So, I can go to those places of feeling sorry for myself, but that would be a lie. I am blessed in more ways than most people and I just need to know that one day I will be healed and my life will be what G-d created. And that's all I have to know and leave the rest to G-d and follow in his ways and his laws.

Happy Days, I feel happiness inside my soul again. I didn't think I would ever really feel that, but it here and I'm very grateful it is.