I have been watching your thread with some frustration. This last post of yours gives me some great release.

As you say, finally you get it!

Sick --

Sorry to hear there's no improvement.

I think MONEY is the key to your wife. She is comfortable, and she is not willing to make herself UNCOMFORTABLE until she absolutely has to.

It appears to her that you are willing to accept the status quo of staying home with the kids while she runs around.

Have you checked out the laws in BOTH states? The one you work in vs the one your family lives in? It may be to your benefit to file for divorce or separation in one state over another. And I suggest you look into which state will allow your wife the least financial support! Because MONEY is the key to her....

SWW,

I am struggling with the same realization and hope that I find the clarity that you have. It is so hard to do something and not think "If I just do this, then s/he will..." and that expectation is the key to our misery.

I am posting under a new name and on a new thread so my H cannot read anymore, but if you remember those who have posted to you many times before...I'm one of those.

Mogi

SWW,

Welcome back.... I was wondering how you were doing.

It's a process, for you and for her. Nothing has changed in her life enough to warrant her to change because right now she doesn't have a conscience. I don't think you will see anything substantial in her until a Dark Plan B and at that point, she will manipulate and connive her way back into your life.

Set some timelines. Don't put yourself through this much longer. You need to be moving forward and be healthy. Look at AB3, he still had the door open too, but he put hard action items into place so now that he is ready to close the door, it's much easier.

Still praying for YOU!

MogiSola,

i think i know u. I need to tell you that, at least in my case, the clarity does not last forever, and i slip back and forth. However, the length and depth of the clarity gets longer and deeper each time. I write myself notes during these periods of clarity and read them for inspiration during down times. I expect this to last longer, much longer this time.

It doesn't always work, but i must say, this period is one of the strongest.

Let me tell you a quick story. Sunday I felt compelled like someone was telling me inside my head, "watch 60 Minutes on CBS." I have watched that show maybe 5 times in the last ten years but i found myself monitoring the clock to be sure I didn't miss it, I was compelled by something to watch it. There was a segment with CNN's Anderson Cooper on "Rape as a Weapon" in the D Rep of Congo. There was a woman who was raped in front of her brother, watched him stabbed to death, hauled off into the bush with her rapists and raped for months. She somehow escaped and made it back to her village only to be rejected by her husband, worse still she was pregnant by one of her gang rapists. The end of the segment showed her raising a beautiful child, taking care of her 2 daughters, going to school and washing clothes in a tin pot...all with a pretty good attitude.

If she can do that, why am I complaining about my cheating wife...time to WAKE UP, take action and quit moping about feeling sorry for yourself SWW! So my wife is a bad person, yep, but I don't have to follow her down her path of destruction and i certainly don't have to let her drag my kids with her either.

OnlyU, AB3 is an inspiration to me. I read the whole thread, and yes you are correct, she will prob try to suck me back in. I am wiser now than I was previously in my life. I now see her for what she truly is; a conniver and manipulator who cares nothing for anyone else's feelings.

Exactly! You still have alot of years ahead of you.

And you still have Plan B to see if it causes any changes, but stay consistently moving forward for your own sake!!

Her kind makes my skin crawl....(sorry)

onlyUcan,

Very creepy. I am sure I have not conciously changed my attitude or tone of voice since my "awakening/realization" but some telepathy must be going on.

My WW called me 4 times yesterday to chat and offered to go over to my dad's house to move furniture and plants inside with hurricane Fae on the way.

I am not falling for the whipsaw tactics though. I sincerely doubt she will ever change her spots, they go all the way from the top layer of her skin all the way down to the bone.

She is going to be furious when DD guidance counselor calls her in to the school. DD told counselor that "mommy goes out nearly every night and leaves us alone, we eat fast food put on the counter, I think she has a boyfriend etc."

Counselor called me yesterday and told me some of DD's testimony within the constraints of privacy. She said she was going to call WW and bring her in, tell her in a way so as not to get DD in trouble, that her behaviour was seriously wrong. Wives and mother's do not treat their husbands and children this way.

It's hard to "celebrate" when your DD is suffering, but it sure is nice that someone else is going to talk with your WW and share how bad her choices are.

You are right about perspective. That is something that has always helped me too. Looking around and realizing that others have endured such pain and survived. I can too. I hope the clarity lasts for both of us.

Mogi

MogiSola et al.

Well, I told ya the clarity doesn't last forever. I will be reading my previous posts for some inspiration tonite.

WW called me to tell me the power was out. Just chatting a bit, i told her i hoped it would come on again soon. Chatted for about 20 mins, i am still plan A'ing as best i can and trying to keep that good feeling that my best plan A may not cause any chenges in her.

WW then says, "Well, we are going to go over to "friends" house (of the new young chick group she hangs with now that helped get us into this mess) and take DS, no school today. Bill is over there with his DS too and they can play, so I'll talk to you later."

I just responded with "oh good, y'all have fun."

Bill is a guy about 3 years older than I am. His wife died about 6 months ago. He is "friends" brother-in-law, lives in our neighborhood, is wealthy, same group of friends, kids our kids age etc. etc. In other words he's perfect. He is also a total chick hound and has always had the hots for my WW.

Last year he rented a beach house for a long weekend and then pulled up to his house in an RV, kids excited "yay, we're going to the beach in the RV." Nope, Bill told wife, "honey I forgot it's the such and such home opener so me and some guys are going to the game. Here's the keys to the beach house. Left, picked up guys, hookers, booze, drugs etc. and hit the road and came back the next week.

New Years I walked into a party and a large group was sitting around talking on some chairs and sofas, my WW was sitting on the Ottoman in front of the chair he was sitting on. Nothing strikingly inappropriate, but in the jealous/wondering state i was in I didn't like it. WW knows I don't really approve of Bill, unfortunately like she knows I really didn't approve of OM Charlie...

I'll get ahold of myself in just a minute.

SWW,

Your WW is in the category with the cruelest waywards on this board. I sure hope you have a deadline for your Plan A because she is flaunting this in your face.

I cannot even say the words, let alone type them that come up for me when I think of her and this blatant attack on you.



NEVER should any spouse be made to feel this way!! IF she wanted your M to work, she would be taking Extraordinary Precautions and would CARE about how this affects you!!!



All I can say is what Dr. Phil says: the best predictor of future behavior is current behavior. Had I listened to that, I may have saved myself YEARS of heartache as well.

onlyUcan,

Well what a fool I am!

Contact has been re-established.

Spoke to my son yesterday to see how the day went over at friends and Bill. He told me, "yeah, me and mom were there with some people." He rattled off the names of the adults and OM Charlie was one. WW spent the whole day there and most of the night. She called me around 10 PM last night and you know what?

I commited a love buster. Yep it's true.

I said, "How you could you stay over there all day with Charlie and our son?"

WW: "he was there for like ten minutes!"

It was 1015PM and she was heading back to the friends house to EAT DINNER!

We got into a heated discussion about stuff, I was no doubt hurting but tried to remain calm, she started bring crap up from the past and I said, "you have completely re-written our marital history. How can you forget about the good times we have had over the past 24 years so quickly? The birth of our children, vacations we took as a family, buying our first home etc."

She responded about how her life had been so terrible as our business was failing and I had to leave her alone to run it to go back in the Navy. I told her she should remember she had had it pretty good. I said "you told me a few weeks ago that you always thought our relationship had been good. That you would walk on the treadmill with your friends and listen to them complain about their husbands and you wouldn't say anything bc you had no complaints."

I told her I knew it had been bad the last couple of years but she should remember that she had never had to work, she had maids and nannies, 5 country clubs, trips to Europe and the carribean, stayed at home etc.

She got angry and hung up on me.

I then did something you all may disagree with, but felt i needed to do.

I confronted OM Charlie again. He wouldn't answer his phone so i texted him, "I guess you don't listen. How many more marriages and relationships do you need to destroy? I told you to stay away from my wife. I hope this never happens to you."

Of course i didn't hear back from him. Texted WW and told her first I was dissapointed, then another LB, I told her I was even more disappointed now that "I see what's still going on. I can't believe you were going to try to pin the missing condoms on DD. Shameful."

I KNOW, I can do nothing until I get home. Even then prob not much more. She says she needs more time to think and this can't be fixed overnight and I seem to want a quick resolution. I am praying everyday, all day for God to send me home with a job and I am working it as hard as I can. I hear of some progress every week on this front. But now, I am just sending every dime I have to support her cake-eating.

I never exposed to her group of "friends." Just our old friends that I felt would have some impact on her. It hasn't worked.

I think I will expose to her new best friends husband first. He is the only one that seems to take my side occasionally saying "SWW is doing the best he can to support his family in a tough time and y'all just trash him."

He is also good friends with OM Charlie. WW insists that if he ever found out he would be devastated and dissapointed in both her and charlie. If he doesn't know already, he soon will. Going to call then email him my side of the story, including my 50% responsibility for the state of the M and ask for his help.

Between that and going to see an attorney I am not sure there is much else I can do.

Y'all's thoughts???

Expose to everyone now.

Including his fiance'.

When do you go home for good, SWW?

SWW,
I don't know of too many people who have plan A's more strenuously than you. You've done it all, including the exposure.

Im sort of speechless about how cunning and deceiptful your WW is. And good old Charlie is a POS OM Predator, who takes what is given to him freely without regard for who gets destroyed in his wake. Your txt are falling on deaf ears. This is the same POS who had completly disrespectful comments about the death of your mother as I recall.

I can't think of anyone who is more ripe for a completely dark Plan B than you. You have done more than enough in Plan A and to continue will only make you lose whatever love you have left for your WW. This is why Plan B is so appropriate in your case.

Shut her off financially and go completely dark. You need to get home to take care of those kids of yours. You need to show them what a loving and caring parent looks like. Your WW is incapable of doing that, and the effects are already showing on your daughter. It has not gone unnoticed, even with her school C.

Open the door and let your WW fly, she will eventually crash and burn soon enough. Time to protect yourself and your kids.

I will pray for your sitch. You have endured more than enough for the sake of love.

All blessings,
Jerry

shinethrough/Marsh,

I need prayers now more than ever. I will post later. I am going to need help with a plan B as you are absolutely correct, I am losing every piece of love I have ever had for that woman.

I am going to talk to an attorney about bringing the kids up here with me until one of these jobs takes shape. I can have a free 4 bedroom house a short walk from the golf course, pool, rec center for the kids, schools out the back gate etc. Of course WW flatly refused to move here away from OM and "friends."

Marsh, one of the Co's said they are reviewing my resume in a couple of weeks and it looks strong.

I would love nothing more than to get home with a great job and care for my kids and let my POS WW and her POS OM live in his crappy-assed apartment that looks like a run-down fraternity house with his roomate and all.

I am exposing Monday to all!!!

I have friggin' had it!

Thanks for the compliments on my Plan A by the way, i feel i really have tried. I just look like a snivelling POS BH to her.

Eff' HER!

Your wife is terrible. Get a dark plan B going and think about divorce. She cares nothing about you except your money.

She cares very little about lying to you over and over.

Tell everyone.

SWW,

That's a great idea about taking the kids up there with you. Right now you have custody of your own children as much as she does. Find out from an attorney if that would adversely affect your long term custody of them.

She will NEVER change. Well, maybe once you have gone Dark and she has hit rock bottom, but IMHO, she will NEVER change.

She is saying the exact same things to you that she has said all along. It's a disgrace to you. She expects you to take care of her financially while she is out having her play time.

Don't waste your time trying to talk to Charlie, BUT definitely tell his current Fiance, his past GF, all of her friends - don't hold back this time. Let her be mad, call you names, ignore you. Who cares? What does that hurt? It can't hurt worse than knowing what this no good (^)*&*%) is doing with OM.

You will have tons of support here for your Dark Plan B!! Remember AW3 and his inspiration to you. You can do this!

Thanks all.

Yes I am going to talk to an atty this week. Going home this week and will see about taking the kids. I am exposing today as soon as I can find "friends" husband workplace and call him. He is the only one apparently who sticks up for me during the bash BS sessions.

Stella and Onlu you all are right. She only cares for me for my money. She spent all weekend without the kids over at friends house, hanging out with OM charlie and i am sure her new love interest Bill.

Told me sat night as she was heading back to have dinner at 1015PM, "You just want this fixed right now, and it can't be done that fast. I need more time."

She is still in the fog because she is still addicted to OM and her lifestyle. If she aint banging OM charlie, there's prob someone else now.

Had a long talk with a good Christain friend yesterday who told me God knows what he is doing. He hasn't deinitively told you yet to file for D so hold on as long as you can.

I am, but I am really tired today...

SWW

The purpose of Plan B is to protect YOURSELF and your remaining love for your WS. A good Plan B needs careful consideration / preparation before implementing.

Some very important things to consider:

Plan B letter: This letter basically states that there is to be no contact whatsoever between you & WS until such a time as conditions YOU state are met (i.e. No Contact with OP, Willingness to work on marriage, marital counseling, etc…). The plan B letter is a “roadmap” to the WS on what YOU need to consider reconciliation

If you’re not sure if you’ve written a good plan B letter, post it. We’ll give you some suggestions / critic. A good rule of thumb with plan B letters: The shorter and more to the point the better.


Intermediary: As you’ve already noticed, any contact with the fogged out WS is caustic and ends up withdrawing units from your LB. The simple solution to this is to not have contact.

That is where the intermediary comes in. The intermediary is the person that your WS has to contact to get a message to you. The job of the intermediary is to pass messages directly from WS to you & from you to WS. The intermediary is NOT to interpret the communications in any way and simply pass the message back and forth.

Do NOT accept direct communications from the WS (phone, email, text messages, direct conversation, etc…) as this breaks plan B and allows WS to get his “family” fix.

If WS phones (make sure you have caller ID) or and unrecognized number comes across, let it go to voicemail. If the VM is from WS delete it. If you pick up the phone and WS is on the other end, Hang UP!

If WS emails: Delete it! A better alternative to this is to block his incoming emails. You can do this various ways depending on the email system you use. Let us know if you need help blocking these. Someone on the board will likely know how to block whatever system you are using.

If WS text messages: Delete it!

Direct Conversation: Turn your back and walk to a supportive group and / or leave.

If you have ANY direct communications your mantra is: “Have you met the conditions of my letter?” If no, hang up / leave.


Visitation: It is best to have a visitation schedule set beforehand. Any deviations need to be arranged through the intermediary. It is usually best to send the kids to the waiting car and upon return have the kids come to the house from the car. I do not recommend allowing the WS in the home. They tend to leave little “surprises” for you to find later.

Make sure that they know that they are not welcome inside your home until the conditions outlined in your letter are met. If the WS comes in anyway, go to another room and shut the door. Again; if you have ANY direct communications your mantra is: “Have you met the conditions of my letter?”


Finances: It is best to have this set beforehand. Any deviations need to be arranged through the intermediary.


Family / Shared Friend Relations: State your desire that you do not wish to hear any “news” about your WS. Let them know what it going on and what the intent of your plan is. Thank them for their support.


Plan B tends to drive a WS nuts! They can no longer get their “good normal family” fix. They will try very hard to break your plan b and get back to “cake eating”. Do not let this happen! Give the WS a little preview of what it will be like to actually “lose” his family.

Post back with any questions.

Stay Strong!

walkingthefield,

OK, a lot to digest here. let me read this again...and again.

OK,

I am reading this, and although I've read Surviving an A and been reading these boards for along time, I have to embarrasingly admit something.

I am scared to death over this! I don't know if I have the sack for it.

My internal monoloque is something like:

Me 1: "What if I do this, won't it just give her the justification she needs to sleep around, continue/startup A's?"

Me 2: "So what, she's doing it already."

Me 1. "What if she simply doesn't care. She'll probably happily go along with it. Then what do i do?"

Me 2: "She already doesn't care and she demonstrates thru her actions that she does not care about you."

Me 1: "Won't people when she tells them think I am crazy?"

Me 2: "Too late for that."

Oh man, this plan B sounds good when it's somebody else. I am going to have to seriously man up here.