About a month ago the affair I was in ended, it had started as an emotional affair and became physical for a couple of months before ending.

I started a new job last October and it was horrible, had a bully of a boss and the atmosphere in the office was really bad, a month prior to me starting the new job my W gave birth to our second child.

I was suffering from stress very early on in the new job and when I returned home from it I was met with 2 screaming children and a stressed out frustrated wife, I helped as much as I could but my W was breast feeding baby so could not do much to help with feeding times.

Anyway about 2 weeks into my new job I met the OW at an induction course, she worked in my office but I had never noticed her before, needless to say we connected instantly, exact same sense of humour and pretty much everything else was a match. In the next few months we grew closer and closer and started seeing more of each other in works time (lunch and walk to bus station at end of day). Colleagues had labelled us Office Husband and Wife, I saw no harm in it as it was pretty light with mostly juvenile joke telling and not much more. Soon we where talking to each other out of works time, emails, messenger and text messages. I was still having a really hard time of it at work and we helped cheer each other up.

Soon I started feeling that an attraction was developing but tried to ignore it as I was married and as long as nothing physical was going on could see no problem (did not know about emotional affairs then).

About March time the weather was getting a little better and OW and I were sat on a park bench near work, I was having a really bad day and very stressed and she gave me a cuddle to cheer me up, now she had given me hugs before but this time she did not break away from me but laid across me for a good few minutes, I then realised that the attraction was mutual. I did the right thing and reminded her I was married and could not go any further, she accepted that and we both agreed that we eat lunch together in the office.

2 days later, the boss calls us both in and said rumours about us had started and we needed to be careful, we decided that eating lunch at work was no longer an option and neither was not spending time together, we could handle the attraction.

So for just over a month everything was ok until OW said she could no longer fight her feelings for me, I gave in too and we kissed for the first time I felt guilt after it but as soon as I saw her again all guilty feelings disappeared, everything disappeared I just wanted to be with her, the kissing developed to more sexual stimulation but we did not have sex until just before the affair ended.

The affair ended because reality was setting in, I had made excuses to be away for a few hours on a Sunday so I could see her, we had sex in my car and stayed in the car for a few hours, that drained the car battery some what and the car would not start and I was parked in a place that I would not be able to explain to my W why.

The next day we went for drinks with people from work, when that had finished we decided to go for a drink on our own and we were spotted by a work colleague.

The next day OW decided that we could carry on no longer as it was pretty evident we would get caught and she wanted to us to be proper, I agreed although felt totally devastated. The following day after some communication with OW she told me that she wanted me to make the decision between her and W. W came home from work in the afternoon and found me at home in absolute bits, I was having panic attacks and could not do anything so in the end I broke down and confessed. I was expecting fire works and to be thrown out the house but W was understanding and actually hugged me instead and at that point in time I knew that I wanted my wife.

That was about a month ago and after making one last phone call to her to say goodbye, I have ended all contact with OW removed any pictures I have of her and any other reminders. We had so much in common and laughed at so many things that the slightest thing reminds me off her and when I think of her I just want to see her so much. I know that what I had with OW is not real and my W has been so understanding and forgiving but I still have times where my mind is telling me to go with OW.

I want to be able to move on and get marriage working we have booked counselling but even though I have moments of clarity where I think "Look what you almost lost" I still have moments where I think that life with the OW would be so much better.

Any help in how to get over this ambivalent feelings would be great?

OW has moved onto another job and I too will be starting a new job in the next couple of weeks, I tried going back to current job and even though OW was not there, the reminders were so strong that it triggered me to have panic attacks. My doctor has signed me off from work with anxiety and depression.

As I said before, I regret what I have done and really want to make a go of it and get my marriage working but I am having such a hard time of letting go of OW and is really starting to make me more depressed and worse is making me more distant from W when I should be getting closer.

Hi Cadmus,

Welcome to MB. This programme can help your sitch.

Firstly how long have you been here and what have you read? Have you read "Basic Concepts"? Do you understand you are addicted to who you thought OW is? Is your BW willing to do the programme with you? Would she be interested in posting here?

NC is good and so is changing jobs. Have you changed your phone numbers, email addys etc? Have you given your BW all your passwords, free access to your accounts, are you being totally transparent with her?

What do you think of making an appointment with Dr Harley?

Lil

Tell us more about that last phonecall. Was your wife present? Was it an emotional goodbye or a short call informing OW that you regretted your affair and that you never wanted her to contact you in any way again?

The phone call was a last goodbye, wished her well for the future and explained that needed to work on marriage and we could never have any contact again. She was ok with it, although very upset as she knew it was the only way.

I have not heard from her since.

I know what he had is not real and there is no point comparing a romantic love against a long standing relationship, been with wife 10 years and married for 7.

The pain I am feeling at the moment over the loss of a friend and a true kindrid spirit is making me very depressed. Wife is being very understanding but I don't want to to lay this on her as it is not fair.

I would love to find a way to stop longing for my "soul mate" (yes I know that's an illusion) and focus on my poor wife whom I have hurt so much and repair our relationship.

You seem to be thinking somewhat objectively here, but you still need to realize that she was not your "soul mate". You were two deceitful people in a deceitful relationship. You need to own that and then reevaluate why you think it was a beautiful thing. When you truly understand that it was a base, filthy, and dishonest thing, you should begin to realize that she was not some gem.

Time and no contact are really the only things that will help you get over her. I would recommend a few things to help you in the process though.

First, change your phone number and email account so she can't contact you.

Second, every time your thoughts drift to the other woman, make a conscious choice to do something to show your wife that you love her, even if you don't necessarily feel that way yet.

For instance, if you are with your wife, go and give her a hug, kiss, massage, or whatever. Tell her you love her or recollect a fun time you once had. If you are not together, call her instead of the other woman, text her that you are thinking about her and appreciate the second chance she is giving you.

The idea is to perform some deliberate action of loving your wife whenever you pine for the OW. It may help you accelerate the withdrawal process as the thought-shift becomes automatic.

Thank you for the advice. Will try that and in the mean time will seek some more immediate counselling for myself other than the couple counselling we are in the waiting list for.

As always, remember the axiom, knowledge is power. Read absolutely everything you can here to educate yourself about withdrawal and recovery. That knowledge can and will reduce the power your emotional urges have over you. You will be able to disassociate with them to a certain degree, making it easier to go NC and work at rebuilding your wife's trust in you.

Also, do as much reading about what your betrayed wife will be going through. Usually, the betrayed will go through a period of intense anger that can set in typically anywhere between 6 and 12 months after d-day. You need to be aware of this and you need to understand how to react or your marriage can easily unravel.

Hey Cadmus,
Just wondering how its going?
Got an update for us?

Lil