Hey all,

I have been married for about 5 years and have 2 beautiful kids. A couple of months ago my wife and I got into a discussion about her job taking her away from our family so much... During this conversation it took a turn where my wife ended up telling me that she loved me and was not in love with me. And she did not want to be married anymore. Since then she has shut me out and offered me no real explanation to anything. She won't even hug me. I feel like a stranger in my own house. She came to this decision without even considering sharing her thoughts and feelings with me. She does not want to work on anything. She does not want to go to therapy. She does not want to do anything. She just wants a divorce.

The kicker is that she will say to me that she does care and love me deeply. I am wonderful father, husband, support system. I get positive reviews across the board. Mind you I have my faults, but no one is perfect. This completely blindsided me. We have had issues with the physical aspects of our marriage. Which i believe has partially to do with Zoloft zapping her libido. But she says that she just does not feel the same anymore. It is hard to fight for someone that does not want you to fight for them.

The thing that destroys me is that I really don't know what has caused this. She is not opening up and is not willing to even try on any level... It is crushing my heart. I put my wife and kids in front of me ALWAYS. I always come last. I have started therapy myself just to deal with the pain but I just don't know what to do anymore. I continue to fight for her and my kids but I am losing steam.

Two odd things that she says which completely confuses me is that although she is adamant about wanting a divorce she tells me I do not have to move out and we can divorce and raise our kids together in the same house. The other thing is that whenever she talks about divorce she always asks me shortly after if we are can still be friends. Honestly I don't know what to do.

It's killing me.

With so much mystery and odd behavior on her part I suspect she is involved with another man. Generally if a wife is plain unhappy with how you have been treating her she will let you know. She will at least give you reasons for wanting to get a divorce. But, by her not wanting to tell you anything I think she is seeing someone. Why else would she stay mute and also why else would she want to stay in the same house with you. She wants her cake and to eat it to. She has you to take care of the kids and the other man to take care of her needs. These are just my initial thoughts from what you have posted.

No I have been down that road... I have asked and asked and she swears on our family there is no one else.

Rule #1 for any one committing adultery. Do not ever confess to your sin, ever. Even if you get caught.

Just because she says she is not, does not mean she isn't. I am not saying she is, but if not, then why will she not give any reason for wanting a divorce. It just seems really odd that she would not give you any reasons for wanting it. People do not just wake up and say "I don't love you anymore and I want a divorce." If she is not having an affair then why all the mystery. If she was unhappy with a certain way you treat her or that you never help out or that your are mean or abusive etc, etc.. she would say something. Why would she keep them from you if any of those were the reasons. In general once a spouse drops the "I love you, but I am not in love with you." They feel liberated. They generally begin to release all the anger they had pent up for you and point out all the flaws that they find in you. But your wife does not show the standard liberated spouse attitude. I feel she is hiding something.

I take it this has happened to you...

From what you have written so far, I would bet that she is involved in an A (affair)...it may not be physical affair (PA) yet, but she probably is involved emotionally with someone (EA = emotional affair) right now.

Her offer to live together post divorce sounds like she is unsure if the A would work out...and she wants you around to help meet some of her needs...but without the guilt.

And yes, my STBXW did have an A...just different circumstances.

If I were you, I would email the moderators at the bottom of this page and ask them to move this thread over to the General Questions II forum. Dr. Harley has a concrete plan on saving marriages from infidelity...and your marriage is still probably very salvagable right now. The folks over in GQII will help you implement Dr. Harley's plan.

But whatever you do...do NOT ask her if she is involved in an A...and start covering your computer tracks immediately. Many times BS' (betrayed spouses) come here for guidance and help to save their marriages, only to have their WS (Wayward Spouse) find their threads here...which is the BS' best support group.

I hope I am wrong.

LoBoy

No it has not thankfully. But, I have been reading and learning about why relationships fail and how to rebuild them for about 3 years now. I have read over 20 different books and joined every newsletter, blog & forum that I could find on the subject. I am by no means an expert. But, I have seen the writing on the walls.

I am not saying that she is absolutely having a divorce, but her secretive, mysterious behavior for not telling you why she wants a divorce throws up a red flag.

Let me ask you this. What is the reason you think that she wants the divorce? I know in your first post you said you are at a lost as to why. But, what are you thoughts as to what it could be.

Well there is a bunch of things that I think are factoring in to how she is. The main thing i believe she is simply overwhelmed by her life. Like she is having a mid life crisis at 30. Her family has a history of depression, she has been on depressive meds since high school. The past few years she has been jumping between meds because certain ones were working better than others. However she was getting prescribed them by her general pract. (who really is not the best for dealing on depression matters) Her coping skills are similar to her mothers. It is kind of like once they are on a path there is not getting off. She internalizes everything... and often gets overwhelmed. Her job is incredibly demanding. (although she likes her job) We have two kids 3 and under.. the youngest not even a year. So there still could be some post pardum there. The zoloft has zapped her sex drive... When she can't really fix things she takes on hobbies as distractions. Like knitting one week... biking the next. I mean I could go on and on.

Part of me think she does not know what she really wants and i am the easiest target.

That could be, KOS. Maybe she's depressed and is blaming you when it is a much deeper, long-standing issue. Unfortunately, the only way you'll know this is if you get her to a marriage counselor with you, or a psychiastrist or psychologist.

However, I have doubts that this is explanation. When a wife says "I love you but I'm not in love with you" out of the blue, and doesn't want to do anything to fix the relationship, I do suspect an affair. If she said "I love you but I'm not in love with you" and then asked you to go to counseling with her, I wouldn't not suspect an affair. If she had been asking for MC for several months to years, I wouldn't suspect an affair.

In some ways an affair has a more clear cut solution than your answer. If she is having an affair, you can expose it and follow Plan A. Since your wife thinks you're a good guy in general, you just need to tip the scales in your favor.

If this is due to depression, you may have an uphill battle. Plan A won't work with clinical depression very well, unless the depression's root is in the marriage, and even then it may not. You would need to get your wife into psychotherapy of some sort, and since she's able to get out of bed and do stuff, her motivation for therapy may be very low. Plus, your cred isn't very high right now, so she most likely won't listen to you.

As someone who's suffered from depression myself, I raille against GP's who prescribe ADs for long courses of therapy. The ADs of the last 20 years are fabulous, but because they work better, doctors prescribe them outside their speciality, and it can have adverse effects, like demotivating the person from dealing with an issue or group of issues, or (rarely) suicide. Ideally to my mind, the prescribing psychiatrist would do the psychotherapy. But, if that's not possible due to cost, then the psychiatrist should work this a psychologist. End of rant.

If you really believe her withdrawal is due to her depression, I suggest you share the information with her GP. Tell the GP what's going on, and that you're concerned. The doctor can't disclose any information to you, but he or she may be willing to listen, and may become an ally.

Your wife has ALL of the symptoms of an affair.

You just have not started snooping yet because she learned from last time how to get better at it.

Get yourself a voice activated recorder and hide it in her car.

I'm willing to bet you'll hit paydirt on the first try.

KOS,

I've been going through the same thing for 3 months now. Wife said the same thing yours did. We live in the same house yet I feel like a stranger.

this board also suspects and affair. I'm not so sure. I've been looking for signs and I'm just not seeing them. My wife is depressed as well.

I keep loving her inconditionally, with hope that I can get her to counseling.

KOS,


Step one...Rule out an affair.

Snoop.

There is a thread here called "Snooping 101" which contains many of the methods for snooping. The digital voice activated recorder hidden in her car that Pariah mentioned is likely the easiest way to catch her.

If you not sure you yet want to go that route how about just checking the cell phone.

IF:::

1. She won't let you touch her cell phone = affair
2. She's sending an inordinate amount of text messages to someone = affair
3. She's spending large chuncks of time on the cell phone (minutes wise) = affair

In the alternative...she MAY have a secret cell phone...search her purse and car for such.

The depression part you mention is much like my wife before her affair. Affairs ARE addictions and your wife...being on prescription drugs is very vulnerable despite your feelings to the contrary. The stress of two small children, a house, a husband and a demanding job are all indicators of susceptibility.

Worst case...I/we are wrong but the indications are there for you to follow up and find out the truth about your life.

Mr. Wondering

p.s.- Don't fret about invading her privacy...there IS no expectation of privacy in marriage. You've got a wife and kids to protect.

That is absolutely meaningless.

"Swears on your family"? Are you serious?

In that case, I "double dog dare you" to check into her cellphone and/or internet usage.

There was no way in a million years my wife would have an affair. Awesome wife, met all my needs, christian. I would have bet my house, business, bank accounts, kids and everything else on it. Guess what? I would have lost it all in that bet.

My D-day was the OM making a stupid mistake and me catching on. Within 45 minutes, my world was upside-down. You are in the position to investigate before she knows that you are onto her. I WISH I could have done that. I would have had time to gather concrete proof instead of having unconfirmed suspicions.

Give her all the rope she needs. GPS track the car. Voice activated recorder is a common suggestion here but I know that is illegal in my state. Don't go waving a tape recording in court down the road or you may find yourself in legal trouble.

When she says "there is no one else" it is most likely because her A is still an EA at this point. it has not turned PA yet. So, in her mind, it is not really an A. She most likely has someone she is "just talking to". A male friend, who "just listens to her, doesn't judge her, and makes her feel special"
She doesn;t wnat to tell you about him yet, becuase you would jsut misunderstand this special freindship. After all, she has had an A all ready, and you would just jump to conclusions. If they are just talking at this point, then she doesn't see any reason to tell you about it.

and after all, the probelm with your M really has nothing to do with him. He is not the problem. He has just helped her to see that she doesn't wnat to be married anymore.(this is a huge load of crap-and typical for a WS)

When a spouse is ready to throw in the towel, lose half of everything, risk alienating their kids, it is because someone else is driving the getaway car.

and depressed people, in my opionion, are even more likely to have an A. Because whens omeone is depressed, they try many differnt things to try to fix the way they feel. The feel sad, so they look for a way to get rid of the sadness, or cover it up. some turn to drinking, or drugs, and many turn to the emotional high they get from a new and forbidden relationship.

Snoop. You need to know the truth.

and start preparing your offense. She needs to understand that divorced people do not live togehter happily every after, raising the children togehter. Divorced people move into 2 seperate residences, and spend 50% of their time with the kids

the sooner she starts to look at reality, the better off she will be.

"There was no way in a million years my wife would have an affair. Awesome wife, met all my needs, christian. I would have bet my house, business, bank accounts, kids and everything else on it. Guess what? I would have lost it all in that bet."

Same here....WORSE YET, I had a slight inclination she was talking to a guy at work a year ago. I asked her if there was anyone else(SEE ABOVE!!) and she said NO! I thought about it for 5 minutes and said to myself, if she wants one of those losers she works with than so be it, at that point in our marriage I would have walked. I never DREAMED she'd do it and hide it for so long. HERE I AM!! I've got one foot out the door though.(moved to my own apt)

Since the search feature is still not working, can anyone provide a link to the SNOOPING 101 thread?

If it looks like an affair, feels like an affair, it is probably quacking like one. Due to overload, she has intense emotional needs right now. If you ain't taking care of them, the guy with the gleam in his eye is putting horns on your head and getting the goodies you thought were reserved for you.

Oh, and moving out was, to put it simply, stoopid. Read why on this site.

Larry

KOS, I am sorry to tell you this, but the others are probably right. This has all the earmarks of an affair and we are pretty experienced in this. You should not ASK HER because you won't get the truth. Instead start snooping and find out what is really going on. Put a keylogger on her computer, tap her phone, check the cell phone bill, hire a PI to follow her.

Don't even tell her you are suspicious.

This has to be ruled out before we can help you move forward.

And whatever you do, don't leave your home. Your W has no right to kick you out of your own home, so don't think she does. Many men make the mistake of moving out and it is a terrible strategic mistake that harms their ability to save their marriage. Moving out facilitates the affair.

Sorry you are here.