Hey all,

I have been married for about 5 years and have 2 beautiful kids. A couple of months ago my wife and I got into a discussion about her job taking her away from our family so much... During this conversation it took a turn where my wife ended up telling me that she loved me and was not in love with me. And she did not want to be married anymore. Since then she has shut me out and offered me no real explanation to anything. She won't even hug me. I feel like a stranger in my own house. She came to this decision without even considering sharing her thoughts and feelings with me. She does not want to work on anything. She does not want to go to therapy. She does not want to do anything. She just wants a divorce.

The kicker is that she will say to me that she does care and love me deeply. I am wonderful father, husband, support system. I get positive reviews across the board. Mind you I have my faults, but no one is perfect. This completely blindsided me. We have had issues with the physical aspects of our marriage. Which i believe has partially to do with Zoloft zapping her libido. But she says that she just does not feel the same anymore. It is hard to fight for someone that does not want you to fight for them.

The thing that destroys me is that I really don't know what has caused this. She is not opening up and is not willing to even try on any level... It is crushing my heart. I put my wife and kids in front of me ALWAYS. I always come last. I have started therapy myself just to deal with the pain but I just don't know what to do anymore. I continue to fight for her and my kids but I am losing steam.

Two odd things that she says which completely confuses me is that although she is adamant about wanting a divorce she tells me I do not have to move out and we can divorce and raise our kids together in the same house. The other thing is that whenever she talks about divorce she always asks me shortly after if we are can still be friends. Honestly I don't know what to do.

It's killing me.

With so much mystery and odd behavior on her part I suspect she is involved with another man. Generally if a wife is plain unhappy with how you have been treating her she will let you know. She will at least give you reasons for wanting to get a divorce. But, by her not wanting to tell you anything I think she is seeing someone. Why else would she stay mute and also why else would she want to stay in the same house with you. She wants her cake and to eat it to. She has you to take care of the kids and the other man to take care of her needs. These are just my initial thoughts from what you have posted.

No I have been down that road... I have asked and asked and she swears on our family there is no one else.

Rule #1 for any one committing adultery. Do not ever confess to your sin, ever. Even if you get caught.

Just because she says she is not, does not mean she isn't. I am not saying she is, but if not, then why will she not give any reason for wanting a divorce. It just seems really odd that she would not give you any reasons for wanting it. People do not just wake up and say "I don't love you anymore and I want a divorce." If she is not having an affair then why all the mystery. If she was unhappy with a certain way you treat her or that you never help out or that your are mean or abusive etc, etc.. she would say something. Why would she keep them from you if any of those were the reasons. In general once a spouse drops the "I love you, but I am not in love with you." They feel liberated. They generally begin to release all the anger they had pent up for you and point out all the flaws that they find in you. But your wife does not show the standard liberated spouse attitude. I feel she is hiding something.

I take it this has happened to you...

From what you have written so far, I would bet that she is involved in an A (affair)...it may not be physical affair (PA) yet, but she probably is involved emotionally with someone (EA = emotional affair) right now.

Her offer to live together post divorce sounds like she is unsure if the A would work out...and she wants you around to help meet some of her needs...but without the guilt.

And yes, my STBXW did have an A...just different circumstances.

If I were you, I would email the moderators at the bottom of this page and ask them to move this thread over to the General Questions II forum. Dr. Harley has a concrete plan on saving marriages from infidelity...and your marriage is still probably very salvagable right now. The folks over in GQII will help you implement Dr. Harley's plan.

But whatever you do...do NOT ask her if she is involved in an A...and start covering your computer tracks immediately. Many times BS' (betrayed spouses) come here for guidance and help to save their marriages, only to have their WS (Wayward Spouse) find their threads here...which is the BS' best support group.

I hope I am wrong.

LoBoy

No it has not thankfully. But, I have been reading and learning about why relationships fail and how to rebuild them for about 3 years now. I have read over 20 different books and joined every newsletter, blog & forum that I could find on the subject. I am by no means an expert. But, I have seen the writing on the walls.

I am not saying that she is absolutely having a divorce, but her secretive, mysterious behavior for not telling you why she wants a divorce throws up a red flag.

Let me ask you this. What is the reason you think that she wants the divorce? I know in your first post you said you are at a lost as to why. But, what are you thoughts as to what it could be.

Well there is a bunch of things that I think are factoring in to how she is. The main thing i believe she is simply overwhelmed by her life. Like she is having a mid life crisis at 30. Her family has a history of depression, she has been on depressive meds since high school. The past few years she has been jumping between meds because certain ones were working better than others. However she was getting prescribed them by her general pract. (who really is not the best for dealing on depression matters) Her coping skills are similar to her mothers. It is kind of like once they are on a path there is not getting off. She internalizes everything... and often gets overwhelmed. Her job is incredibly demanding. (although she likes her job) We have two kids 3 and under.. the youngest not even a year. So there still could be some post pardum there. The zoloft has zapped her sex drive... When she can't really fix things she takes on hobbies as distractions. Like knitting one week... biking the next. I mean I could go on and on.

Part of me think she does not know what she really wants and i am the easiest target.

That could be, KOS. Maybe she's depressed and is blaming you when it is a much deeper, long-standing issue. Unfortunately, the only way you'll know this is if you get her to a marriage counselor with you, or a psychiastrist or psychologist.

However, I have doubts that this is explanation. When a wife says "I love you but I'm not in love with you" out of the blue, and doesn't want to do anything to fix the relationship, I do suspect an affair. If she said "I love you but I'm not in love with you" and then asked you to go to counseling with her, I wouldn't not suspect an affair. If she had been asking for MC for several months to years, I wouldn't suspect an affair.

In some ways an affair has a more clear cut solution than your answer. If she is having an affair, you can expose it and follow Plan A. Since your wife thinks you're a good guy in general, you just need to tip the scales in your favor.

If this is due to depression, you may have an uphill battle. Plan A won't work with clinical depression very well, unless the depression's root is in the marriage, and even then it may not. You would need to get your wife into psychotherapy of some sort, and since she's able to get out of bed and do stuff, her motivation for therapy may be very low. Plus, your cred isn't very high right now, so she most likely won't listen to you.

As someone who's suffered from depression myself, I raille against GP's who prescribe ADs for long courses of therapy. The ADs of the last 20 years are fabulous, but because they work better, doctors prescribe them outside their speciality, and it can have adverse effects, like demotivating the person from dealing with an issue or group of issues, or (rarely) suicide. Ideally to my mind, the prescribing psychiatrist would do the psychotherapy. But, if that's not possible due to cost, then the psychiatrist should work this a psychologist. End of rant.

If you really believe her withdrawal is due to her depression, I suggest you share the information with her GP. Tell the GP what's going on, and that you're concerned. The doctor can't disclose any information to you, but he or she may be willing to listen, and may become an ally.

Your wife has ALL of the symptoms of an affair.

You just have not started snooping yet because she learned from last time how to get better at it.

Get yourself a voice activated recorder and hide it in her car.

I'm willing to bet you'll hit paydirt on the first try.

KOS,

I've been going through the same thing for 3 months now. Wife said the same thing yours did. We live in the same house yet I feel like a stranger.

this board also suspects and affair. I'm not so sure. I've been looking for signs and I'm just not seeing them. My wife is depressed as well.

I keep loving her inconditionally, with hope that I can get her to counseling.

KOS,


Step one...Rule out an affair.

Snoop.

There is a thread here called "Snooping 101" which contains many of the methods for snooping. The digital voice activated recorder hidden in her car that Pariah mentioned is likely the easiest way to catch her.

If you not sure you yet want to go that route how about just checking the cell phone.

IF:::

1. She won't let you touch her cell phone = affair
2. She's sending an inordinate amount of text messages to someone = affair
3. She's spending large chuncks of time on the cell phone (minutes wise) = affair

In the alternative...she MAY have a secret cell phone...search her purse and car for such.

The depression part you mention is much like my wife before her affair. Affairs ARE addictions and your wife...being on prescription drugs is very vulnerable despite your feelings to the contrary. The stress of two small children, a house, a husband and a demanding job are all indicators of susceptibility.

Worst case...I/we are wrong but the indications are there for you to follow up and find out the truth about your life.

Mr. Wondering

p.s.- Don't fret about invading her privacy...there IS no expectation of privacy in marriage. You've got a wife and kids to protect.

That is absolutely meaningless.

"Swears on your family"? Are you serious?

In that case, I "double dog dare you" to check into her cellphone and/or internet usage.

There was no way in a million years my wife would have an affair. Awesome wife, met all my needs, christian. I would have bet my house, business, bank accounts, kids and everything else on it. Guess what? I would have lost it all in that bet.

My D-day was the OM making a stupid mistake and me catching on. Within 45 minutes, my world was upside-down. You are in the position to investigate before she knows that you are onto her. I WISH I could have done that. I would have had time to gather concrete proof instead of having unconfirmed suspicions.

Give her all the rope she needs. GPS track the car. Voice activated recorder is a common suggestion here but I know that is illegal in my state. Don't go waving a tape recording in court down the road or you may find yourself in legal trouble.

When she says "there is no one else" it is most likely because her A is still an EA at this point. it has not turned PA yet. So, in her mind, it is not really an A. She most likely has someone she is "just talking to". A male friend, who "just listens to her, doesn't judge her, and makes her feel special"
She doesn;t wnat to tell you about him yet, becuase you would jsut misunderstand this special freindship. After all, she has had an A all ready, and you would just jump to conclusions. If they are just talking at this point, then she doesn't see any reason to tell you about it.

and after all, the probelm with your M really has nothing to do with him. He is not the problem. He has just helped her to see that she doesn't wnat to be married anymore.(this is a huge load of crap-and typical for a WS)

When a spouse is ready to throw in the towel, lose half of everything, risk alienating their kids, it is because someone else is driving the getaway car.

and depressed people, in my opionion, are even more likely to have an A. Because whens omeone is depressed, they try many differnt things to try to fix the way they feel. The feel sad, so they look for a way to get rid of the sadness, or cover it up. some turn to drinking, or drugs, and many turn to the emotional high they get from a new and forbidden relationship.

Snoop. You need to know the truth.

and start preparing your offense. She needs to understand that divorced people do not live togehter happily every after, raising the children togehter. Divorced people move into 2 seperate residences, and spend 50% of their time with the kids

the sooner she starts to look at reality, the better off she will be.

"There was no way in a million years my wife would have an affair. Awesome wife, met all my needs, christian. I would have bet my house, business, bank accounts, kids and everything else on it. Guess what? I would have lost it all in that bet."

Same here....WORSE YET, I had a slight inclination she was talking to a guy at work a year ago. I asked her if there was anyone else(SEE ABOVE!!) and she said NO! I thought about it for 5 minutes and said to myself, if she wants one of those losers she works with than so be it, at that point in our marriage I would have walked. I never DREAMED she'd do it and hide it for so long. HERE I AM!! I've got one foot out the door though.(moved to my own apt)

Since the search feature is still not working, can anyone provide a link to the SNOOPING 101 thread?

SPYING 101 THREAD

If it looks like an affair, feels like an affair, it is probably quacking like one. Due to overload, she has intense emotional needs right now. If you ain't taking care of them, the guy with the gleam in his eye is putting horns on your head and getting the goodies you thought were reserved for you.

Oh, and moving out was, to put it simply, stoopid. Read why on this site.

Larry

KOS, I am sorry to tell you this, but the others are probably right. This has all the earmarks of an affair and we are pretty experienced in this. You should not ASK HER because you won't get the truth. Instead start snooping and find out what is really going on. Put a keylogger on her computer, tap her phone, check the cell phone bill, hire a PI to follow her.

Don't even tell her you are suspicious.

This has to be ruled out before we can help you move forward.

And whatever you do, don't leave your home. Your W has no right to kick you out of your own home, so don't think she does. Many men make the mistake of moving out and it is a terrible strategic mistake that harms their ability to save their marriage. Moving out facilitates the affair.

Sorry you are here.

That is insane. It would be cruel and unusual punishment to expect you to live there with her while she lives like a single woman and dates right in front of you and the kids. This would be profoundly morally confusing to your kids.

She wants you to continue to meet her needs while she carries on like a single woman. A wayward loves the idea of having TWO PEOPLE meeting her needs.

I would make it clear to her that you will not be her "friend," you are only interested in being her HUSBAND and you won't be used like this.



This is a CLASSIC cheater tactic. See, it is real important to them to be remain "friends" because they do not want you to be angry at them for abandoning their marriage and family for an affair. Your ANGER would be a CONSEQUENCE and she does not want to face that.

She wants you to bend over and take it quietly while she sticks it to you. That makes it easier for her destroy you. She wants you to COOPERATE with your own demise.

fellow junior member we are married to the same gal.

Worse yet, I think we are the same guy.

Your story sounds eerily familiar to mine.

No suspicion of an A having taken place, but mine is extremely unhappy, wanting a divorce.

Unlie yours, she wants to leave and go find herself because she can't stand to be with me sexually.

If that sounds familiar then i would suspect we have both been living in abuseville and not sticking up for ourselves.

hang in there.

Yes, I have wondered if she is having an affair. And I am still wondering if that maybe the case. However for my own sanity, I am not going to start to put recording devices, etc. Around to try to see if i can confirm this. I am in enough pain as it is I don't need to add to the pressure. I mean if in the off chance nothing is happening I don't want to work myself up into a crazy paranoia that will end up hurting me in the long run.

Some may think that might be naive, but I just feel that way.

I understand where you're coming from. To find out that if she is having an affair would cut like a knife, and it's hard to speculate how much pain you would feel. But, don't you owe it to yourself to know what the truth is? You are married to your wife and you are supposed to be partners in life, she owes you an explaination. Something is going on and you have a RIGHT to know because you've invested so much into this relationship. In my opinion, find out the truth and find some piece of mind. Who knows? She may not be having an affair, at least you'll have that knowledge and a foundation to start your recovery.

I understand the pain and gut wrenching feelings you are going through. I have just gone through a similar situation. You are being advised by some very wise folks here. Do not take their posts lightly. I too was way way into denial about the potential of an affair. Thanks to the 2x4's that these kind folks were so kind to persistantly whack me with I finally woke up. Low and behold my W was having an emotional affair with a neighbour.

Something has triggered a change in your relationship. What is it? I was so naive. I continued to trust my wife, and I thought her honesty and integrity would NEVER allow her to engage in an A. I have since found out that Affair fog is a reality, if her Emotional Needs are not being met she will be looking to have them met somehow.

You are still reeling from the emotional bomb going off in your relationship. Nothing like being rejected by the person you vowed to love, honour and cherish to turn your life into a confusing turmoil. But something has triggered this action. If she is having an affair she will not be honest with you, because in her mind she will be considering it a friendship. However bit by bit someone else may be building up credits in her love bank and pretty soon they are looking better than you. If this is the case you are being compared " I love you but I am not in love with you" sure sounds like someone or something is wedging its way into your marriage.

Its okay, take a bit of time to collect your thoughts. A relationship breakdown qualifies us for the CRAZY club because your life is being turned upside down. It is like flying in the fog, it is hard to get your bearings. So keep posting here. Get your frustrations out here, these folks are understanding and supportive (at least that is my experience) and hang in there fella. You have become a member of a growing club, which none of us want to belong. Rest assured I sympathize with what you are going through. Look after yourself, and don't face the craziness alone. I'm rooting for you.

And this would be a great example of Betrayed Spouse Fog.

No offense...been there, done that.

Consider this:

a. You....YOU...took a vow to love, honor and PROTECT your wife.

b. You....YOU...are the bestowed with a duty to protect children. Your children have no voice to protect themselves from the consequences of adultery...should that be the case.

The consequences include: DIVORCE and the destruction of YOUR family unit and ALL that that entails.

Presuming she is having an affair...It likely remains very savable, should you choose to do so...but the longer you wait, the more entrenched such affair becomes and the harder it will be too resolve it. Time is of the essence.


Your wife MAY be taking herself down a path of destruction and pulling the whole family down with her. YOU have the good fortune and SMARTS to have sought out help on the internet and the collective and experienced WE are telling you what you NEED to do. You MAY be able to save her from continuing down this path of affair addiction and, in the process, save your family.

If your wife and family ain't worth going a bit pyscho snooping around then I don't know what is. The truth is the truth either way. You'll either be relieved or crushed but if we are right...you are already being unknowingly crushed. Snoop and get the facts.

couple points:

1. I bet she'd have done it for you

2. If you suspected your wife was getting hooked on crack cocaine wouldn't you investigate such and take immediate action???


I know snooping on your wife sucks...but I'll tell ya, three plus years into my recovery with my FWW, she is SOOOOO very grateful that I did it. I know it makes you "feel" weak but the weak "feeling" is merely a result of being beaten down and gaslighted by a adulterous wife. Taking definitive action to assess the battlefield is actually a strong MANLY thing to do. At least check into the cell phone issues and computer usage liked we asked you to do.

You must do this and you will make it.

Don't fear the truth and be the husband and protector you've always dreamed of being...

TAKE ACTION

Mr. Wondering

KOS...

I am a FWW (Former Wayward Wife)...As much as it pains me to say it to you, I am 100% certain from your posts that your wife is having an affair...I wish it weren't true, and I know that you certainly wish it weren't, but no amount of our wishing and hoping will make it untrue...There are simply too many signs to ignore...Really...Seriously...Honestly...Truly...

I implore you to SNOOP and get the facts, the TRUTH about your life...Burying your head in the sand is NOT a viable option...It will not help you, your wife or your children...YOU MUST ACT NOW!!!

And this...


THAT is a wayward trait...I'm not even sure how to explain it to you, but I know it...I lived it...It is ESCAPISM...That is what affairs provide in a way that nothing else does...All her other behaviors have led to this biggie, an affair...I "guarantold" ya...I wish I wasn't right about this, but deep in my gut I KNOW that I am...Sort of a "takes one to know one" deal I guess...

And you know what? The whole "I love you, but I'm not in love with you thing"? Well Dr. Harley has said something about that that makes SOOOOOOO much sense, and that is, that in order for someone to be able to say that, they have to have a point of comparison...For her to know that she isn't "in love" with you, she must have some frame of reference, otherwise she wouldn't know that...

So KOS, there are many of us here that will be willing to help you with this, but you must be willing to help yourself...Whaddya say? Ready?

Mrs. W

How you gonna feel when she passes you a raging STD?

Will you want to know then?

Burying your head in the sand won't make it go away!

Try to face this like a man. Are you seriously going to turn your head while some POSOM screws YOUR wife?

Putting your head in the sand will probably spell the end of your marriage. The problem can only be fixed if the truth comes out. You can't fix a problem if you refuse to face it.

Your kids need you to protect them and stand up for their family, not collapse into tears when their family is under assault. You are ALL THEY HAVE.

You cannot fix the problem with your head in the sand, friend. Get up off the floor!

Bud,

I came home from the war to a WW who is behaving and saying the exact same things yours is saying. The similarities in all the stories are really striking.

I heard the same garbage. I was told ILYBINILWY. I was told that she wasn't happy.

I was devastated and crushed.

The next day I discovered her myspace page and saw that she was advertising herself as divorced when she wasn't. I then saw the comments she got from other men and the comments she made to other men.

I confronted and was told that I was crazy and that all she did on there was flirt and make friends.

Snooping got me the truth.

She had gone on several dates and was having a good old time flirting with various men online. One man in particular was an emotional affair. One man ended up being a one nighter.

And I saw other signs. Her standard of dress while married was oversized t-shirts, old jeans, and flip flops. She suddenly started dressing nice and taking care of her appearance.

Your wife is wayward. She's either actively cheating or flirting with the idea. She'll tell herself that "I've already decided the marriage is over, so it's ok for me to see other men".

She'll say this to herself if she hasn't already.

So please don't put your head in the sand. Take a look at her web surfing history, read her emails if you can guess her passwords, and take a look at your cell phone bills and history.

You owe it to your children to be strong right now and get to the truth. If you don't do it for yourself then do it for them.

Finally, I too got a crazy suggestion of getting a duplex where she and I lived right next door to each other while divorced. Waywards tell themselves that the grass is green and lovely in divorce land and that you will want to hold hands with her and her new man and sing Kumbaya while the children prance around yoru cirlce and flowers fall from the sky.

That's how they make Happy Divorce Land look in their minds and they believe it.

So this is why it's so important for you to be strong and show them that if they choose this path it will be bloody, nasty, painful, and not the happy land she pictures.

Slapping her with reality is the greatest way to get her back. But that means you need to be strong, find the truth, and take action.

The thing is, your marriage has NO CHANCE as long as the affair continues. If you choose to say "What Affair?" then there is nothing to stop it. It is not crazy or psycho to find out for sure. Affairs by nature are secretive. She is not going to voluntarily inform you. At best, you might accidentally stumble across evidence but it's likely she's been careful to prevent that.

Yes, it will hurt when you confirm it. But it will also bring some closure to your wondering about what went wrong. I got the ILYBNILWY speech and the request for D before I found out. Those 5 days that I didn't know were pure torture.

It is far easier to deal with this if you know what sort of evil you are facing. Information is power.

KOS, buddy, what are you saying here?

""However for my own sanity, I am not going to start to put recording devices, etc. Around to try to see if i can confirm this. I am in enough pain as it is I don't need to add to the pressure.""


So if you found a lump somewhere on your person, and it kept growing and freaking you out, you wouldn't go to the doctor because you were in enough pain and didn't want to add to the pressure?

Dude, this is a fight for your marriage and your family!! This is a war to keep things together.

Sounds like you are cowering under the covers like a little girly man, as our Gov would say. On this matter you must man up and get to the bottom of things.

Who gives a sh1t if YOU need added pressure. What about your two little children?? Sure your heart has just been ripped out of your chest, but you have to keep on fighting.

Sound to me like you are GIVING UP.

""I mean if in the off chance nothing is happening I don't want to work myself up into a crazy paranoia that will end up hurting me in the long run.""

OFF CHANCE??

But what if there is nothing happening? Wouldn't it be a relief to find out that is not the problem? You can then tackle the meds and find a good depression therapist.

And if there is an A going on, we here in the halls of MB know how to combat that too.

But you have to confirm if there is an A or not. And to do this you MUST snoop.

Pomdbd3 brought up the point about her appearance. Has she changed her hair? Lost that baby weight and got toned up? Dressing more provocatively? Staying later at work, going out after work with a group?

How long has she been back to work? I would think maybe 6 months or less, since your second child is less than a year.

Do you work at home or is there a nanny?

Some things you can snoop on easily. Check the phone records, check her phone. If all previous calls are deleted that's not good. Does she spend much time on the home computer? Check the history.

A voice activated recorder in her car is not really a big deal.

You will go more out of your mind passively not knowing, rather than becoming actively and aggressively trying to find out what the HECK is going on.

KOS, this last post of yours sounds like a little woosey boy crying poor poor me at his pity party. The battle has just begun so don't be giving up already.

Grow a back bone and fight for what is right and for your family.

IMHO

kirk

The clothes drawers make good hiding places as well. I found a Valentine's Day card written to one of the multiple other men in the drawers.

She was also hiding our family laptop there.

Check pockets of coats or pants and if you get the chance peek into her purse.

I took the cell phone when she was sleeping and found many texts to other men in there.

Snoop and you'll find what you need to know about her cheating. Trust us. We've seen this sad movie played out many, many times or lived it ourselves.

You're basically: The Nighmare of the Wayward Wife 47,000! This movie is just like the previous 46,999, just with new characters! The dialog is virtually identical! The setting is different!

You must be strong!

Let me also add as a FWW.

I am a Christian, I am or was naive. I still had an affair.
I taught Sunday School for over 10 years and was heavily involved in our church. I still had an affair. I talked terribly about people who cheated and I'm sad to say I judged them. I still had an affair.

If it happened to me, it can happen to you.

These stories are all so similar. You should just snoop for if nothing other than to prove us wrong or to be able to gain peace of mind if she's not having an affair.

But I would bet that she is- just like Mrs Wondering said. All cheaters share basically the same script- sayings and lies. It's funny too, at the time you think you're being original- but then you come to Marriage Builders and find out you're not!

You're in a battle to save your children from your WW at this point. She is not putting their best interest at heart- having an affair on their father.

SNOOP. SNOOP. SNOOP.

Well, you were right. Let the tape run once. Found out she had a boyfriend. I can't say I am thrilled about it. And spare me the told you so's. I confronted her that night. Have felt like i died inside ever since.I talked to an attorney today going to move forward with a divorce. It is all moving to fast for me.

KOS:

Don't jump the gun on the D. Let things settle down. Get your emotions in check. If you still love your wife, you may be able to work things out. I am sure the MB vets will chime in soon.

R is possible. My WW was totally disconnected and we are on our way back.

Sorry to hear about the turn of events, though from your previous description of your WW's behaviour, it didn't really come as a surprise.

You may have confronted her a bit too early. Did you get the following information from the recording or from your WW when you confronted her?

1. The OM's name
2. Contact information for the OM
3. Is he single, M'd, D'd?
4. How long has the A been going on?
5. How long has it been physical?

Man, I'm sorry you're going through this. I still feel you had the right to know the truth. Listen to the Vets here. They may be right about you jumping the gun on the D because your emotions are all over the place now. Has your wife started to be truthful with you yet?

KOS,

Kind of a standing rule that is recommended to the JFOs (just found outs) is DO NOTHING DRASTIC FOR 3 MONTHS!.

Let the emotions swirl and ebb and flow!! You will feel differently in one month and then feel another way in two months.

What does she want to do?

Is she remorseful or defiant?

Is the OM married? You must do anything possible to break up the A. The main way to do it is by exposure.

Exposing the filthy A to the light of day brings it out in the open. The A quickly loses it's appeal to the afairees when it is made public.

If the OM is married you quickly tell his wife and show proof to her. You do NOT tell your W that you will do this. She then warns the OM and he then tells his W that there is a crazy man on the loose.

Does the OM work with her? You expose to the HR where she works.

Her anger and rage will rain down on your for doing this, but you are doing it to save your family. You hunker down and ride out the storm.

The emotions you are feeling have been felt by me and every other BS on this forum. You are not alone!! We did not berate you earlier, (at least I didn't ) just so we could say we told you so!

Most folks here are not like that at all. We have been helped through this and have then helped others through this. It is the worst thing imaginable, rated close to losing a child.

You can find comfort here as well are advise.

Keep posting and let us know what is happening in your life.

Stay strong and take care of yourself. Eat right, lay off the sauce, exercise, get enough sleep.

And read up on Plan A to become the best husband you can be and win her back.

Very sorry you found out the worst. Now you fight to retain your family.

IMHO

kirk

KOS,

HOLD ON!

Don't jump the gun!

I jumped right into divorce just as you are doing and I totally screwed myself in terms of custody with my children.

You're jumping right into divorce without getting your head on straight. There is a saying that you should make no major life decisions under extreme emotional duress.

Well, you have extreme emotional duress right now.

You're not going to get any "I told you so's" here. We've been through your pain and understand it.

Your wife just emotionally raped you.

What state are you in?

If you live in a fault state then you need to file for adultery and on grounds of adultery.

Check that you're in a two party state for recordings. If you're in a one party state you can use the recording as evidence. If you're in a two party state than what you did is illegal.

Does she want to reconcile?

There's ways to recover your marriage. But rushing into divorce isn't it!

You have time and you owe it to your kids to give yourself that time.

If she wants to leave, then let her. Keep your kids and secure your rights as a father!

She wants out, then show her the door, but the kids stay in the house.

You need to do some things which are super hard:

Cut her off financially. No more joint accounts. Open a new one and move all your family finances into it or she will clean you out. Trust me. I speak from experience.

Cancel the cell phone. She can pay for her own if she wants to cheat.

Look, being strong is what is attractive and what she'll respond to. Showing her that you're going to make things easy is EXACTLY what she wants. Showing her that divorce will be a brutal path that is going to be ugly and nasty and full of danger for her will make saving her marriage a much wiser choice than that of divorce.

Granted, you have the right to divorce her after she cheats, but you must be super smart if you want to preserve your rights as a father.

Believe me, that is critical!

So don't rush into anything and give yourself a chance to breathe.

There won't be gloating here. Finding out that we are wrong about an affair is a mistake we all would happily make on this board. Confirmation of cheatins is sad and we feel for you, bud. Many of us here have felt that pain and there is nothing like it anywhere to compare it to. It's worse than death.

Let us do the thinking for you till you get your breath back. Post here and get great advice.

Kos,

You say that this "is all moving too fast for me", but you are diving into Plan D ? You said it your self "too fast."

BUMPING FOR KOS!!

Come on brother, talk to us!

KOS-

Hope you're okay and check in with us soon.

Im in the same boat. My wife has asked for seperation and divorce. Is never moving to follow through on either. I feel like she is in the midst of an online emotional affair, maybe more. She never has unaccounted time in the real world but many hours a day she is chatting. She has a laptop that is wireless from our base computer. I dont have the login password to open it up. Is there any way to get it? Or monitor the keystrokes on it from the other computer? Im lost and feel I need evidense to present to her to move forward in our discussions. She claims they are her friends only. Yet all are males. What can I do. Help?????

Heres my thread for any that think can help with my story. Trying to save marriage and build trust

100% agree with this. I want out of my marriage. I am not in an affair. I have given my husband list after list, email after email, begged and pleaded for him to go with me to the Harleys, outlined ways in which I think we would survive, etc. There should be NO doubt in his mind about all the ways in which I am unhappy.

If I were having an affair, I'd just want to cut bait and go...FAST!

I saw your post after mine I didnt realize this original was a year old. I am in a sitution that Id love your opinion on. It seems you are where my wife was or is. Not even sure anymore.