That is insane. It would be cruel and unusual punishment to expect you to live there with her while she lives like a single woman and dates right in front of you and the kids. This would be profoundly morally confusing to your kids.

She wants you to continue to meet her needs while she carries on like a single woman. A wayward loves the idea of having TWO PEOPLE meeting her needs.

I would make it clear to her that you will not be her "friend," you are only interested in being her HUSBAND and you won't be used like this.



This is a CLASSIC cheater tactic. See, it is real important to them to be remain "friends" because they do not want you to be angry at them for abandoning their marriage and family for an affair. Your ANGER would be a CONSEQUENCE and she does not want to face that.

She wants you to bend over and take it quietly while she sticks it to you. That makes it easier for her destroy you. She wants you to COOPERATE with your own demise.

fellow junior member we are married to the same gal.

Worse yet, I think we are the same guy.

Your story sounds eerily familiar to mine.

No suspicion of an A having taken place, but mine is extremely unhappy, wanting a divorce.

Unlie yours, she wants to leave and go find herself because she can't stand to be with me sexually.

If that sounds familiar then i would suspect we have both been living in abuseville and not sticking up for ourselves.

hang in there.

Yes, I have wondered if she is having an affair. And I am still wondering if that maybe the case. However for my own sanity, I am not going to start to put recording devices, etc. Around to try to see if i can confirm this. I am in enough pain as it is I don't need to add to the pressure. I mean if in the off chance nothing is happening I don't want to work myself up into a crazy paranoia that will end up hurting me in the long run.

Some may think that might be naive, but I just feel that way.

I understand where you're coming from. To find out that if she is having an affair would cut like a knife, and it's hard to speculate how much pain you would feel. But, don't you owe it to yourself to know what the truth is? You are married to your wife and you are supposed to be partners in life, she owes you an explaination. Something is going on and you have a RIGHT to know because you've invested so much into this relationship. In my opinion, find out the truth and find some piece of mind. Who knows? She may not be having an affair, at least you'll have that knowledge and a foundation to start your recovery.

I understand the pain and gut wrenching feelings you are going through. I have just gone through a similar situation. You are being advised by some very wise folks here. Do not take their posts lightly. I too was way way into denial about the potential of an affair. Thanks to the 2x4's that these kind folks were so kind to persistantly whack me with I finally woke up. Low and behold my W was having an emotional affair with a neighbour.

Something has triggered a change in your relationship. What is it? I was so naive. I continued to trust my wife, and I thought her honesty and integrity would NEVER allow her to engage in an A. I have since found out that Affair fog is a reality, if her Emotional Needs are not being met she will be looking to have them met somehow.

You are still reeling from the emotional bomb going off in your relationship. Nothing like being rejected by the person you vowed to love, honour and cherish to turn your life into a confusing turmoil. But something has triggered this action. If she is having an affair she will not be honest with you, because in her mind she will be considering it a friendship. However bit by bit someone else may be building up credits in her love bank and pretty soon they are looking better than you. If this is the case you are being compared " I love you but I am not in love with you" sure sounds like someone or something is wedging its way into your marriage.

Its okay, take a bit of time to collect your thoughts. A relationship breakdown qualifies us for the CRAZY club because your life is being turned upside down. It is like flying in the fog, it is hard to get your bearings. So keep posting here. Get your frustrations out here, these folks are understanding and supportive (at least that is my experience) and hang in there fella. You have become a member of a growing club, which none of us want to belong. Rest assured I sympathize with what you are going through. Look after yourself, and don't face the craziness alone. I'm rooting for you.

And this would be a great example of Betrayed Spouse Fog.

No offense...been there, done that.

Consider this:

a. You....YOU...took a vow to love, honor and PROTECT your wife.

b. You....YOU...are the bestowed with a duty to protect children. Your children have no voice to protect themselves from the consequences of adultery...should that be the case.

The consequences include: DIVORCE and the destruction of YOUR family unit and ALL that that entails.

Presuming she is having an affair...It likely remains very savable, should you choose to do so...but the longer you wait, the more entrenched such affair becomes and the harder it will be too resolve it. Time is of the essence.


Your wife MAY be taking herself down a path of destruction and pulling the whole family down with her. YOU have the good fortune and SMARTS to have sought out help on the internet and the collective and experienced WE are telling you what you NEED to do. You MAY be able to save her from continuing down this path of affair addiction and, in the process, save your family.

If your wife and family ain't worth going a bit pyscho snooping around then I don't know what is. The truth is the truth either way. You'll either be relieved or crushed but if we are right...you are already being unknowingly crushed. Snoop and get the facts.

couple points:

1. I bet she'd have done it for you

2. If you suspected your wife was getting hooked on crack cocaine wouldn't you investigate such and take immediate action???


I know snooping on your wife sucks...but I'll tell ya, three plus years into my recovery with my FWW, she is SOOOOO very grateful that I did it. I know it makes you "feel" weak but the weak "feeling" is merely a result of being beaten down and gaslighted by a adulterous wife. Taking definitive action to assess the battlefield is actually a strong MANLY thing to do. At least check into the cell phone issues and computer usage liked we asked you to do.

You must do this and you will make it.

Don't fear the truth and be the husband and protector you've always dreamed of being...

TAKE ACTION

Mr. Wondering

KOS...

I am a FWW (Former Wayward Wife)...As much as it pains me to say it to you, I am 100% certain from your posts that your wife is having an affair...I wish it weren't true, and I know that you certainly wish it weren't, but no amount of our wishing and hoping will make it untrue...There are simply too many signs to ignore...Really...Seriously...Honestly...Truly...

I implore you to SNOOP and get the facts, the TRUTH about your life...Burying your head in the sand is NOT a viable option...It will not help you, your wife or your children...YOU MUST ACT NOW!!!

And this...


THAT is a wayward trait...I'm not even sure how to explain it to you, but I know it...I lived it...It is ESCAPISM...That is what affairs provide in a way that nothing else does...All her other behaviors have led to this biggie, an affair...I "guarantold" ya...I wish I wasn't right about this, but deep in my gut I KNOW that I am...Sort of a "takes one to know one" deal I guess...

And you know what? The whole "I love you, but I'm not in love with you thing"? Well Dr. Harley has said something about that that makes SOOOOOOO much sense, and that is, that in order for someone to be able to say that, they have to have a point of comparison...For her to know that she isn't "in love" with you, she must have some frame of reference, otherwise she wouldn't know that...

So KOS, there are many of us here that will be willing to help you with this, but you must be willing to help yourself...Whaddya say? Ready?

Mrs. W

How you gonna feel when she passes you a raging STD?

Will you want to know then?

Burying your head in the sand won't make it go away!

Try to face this like a man. Are you seriously going to turn your head while some POSOM screws YOUR wife?

Putting your head in the sand will probably spell the end of your marriage. The problem can only be fixed if the truth comes out. You can't fix a problem if you refuse to face it.

Your kids need you to protect them and stand up for their family, not collapse into tears when their family is under assault. You are ALL THEY HAVE.

You cannot fix the problem with your head in the sand, friend. Get up off the floor!

Bud,

I came home from the war to a WW who is behaving and saying the exact same things yours is saying. The similarities in all the stories are really striking.

I heard the same garbage. I was told ILYBINILWY. I was told that she wasn't happy.

I was devastated and crushed.

The next day I discovered her myspace page and saw that she was advertising herself as divorced when she wasn't. I then saw the comments she got from other men and the comments she made to other men.

I confronted and was told that I was crazy and that all she did on there was flirt and make friends.

Snooping got me the truth.

She had gone on several dates and was having a good old time flirting with various men online. One man in particular was an emotional affair. One man ended up being a one nighter.

And I saw other signs. Her standard of dress while married was oversized t-shirts, old jeans, and flip flops. She suddenly started dressing nice and taking care of her appearance.

Your wife is wayward. She's either actively cheating or flirting with the idea. She'll tell herself that "I've already decided the marriage is over, so it's ok for me to see other men".

She'll say this to herself if she hasn't already.

So please don't put your head in the sand. Take a look at her web surfing history, read her emails if you can guess her passwords, and take a look at your cell phone bills and history.

You owe it to your children to be strong right now and get to the truth. If you don't do it for yourself then do it for them.

Finally, I too got a crazy suggestion of getting a duplex where she and I lived right next door to each other while divorced. Waywards tell themselves that the grass is green and lovely in divorce land and that you will want to hold hands with her and her new man and sing Kumbaya while the children prance around yoru cirlce and flowers fall from the sky.

That's how they make Happy Divorce Land look in their minds and they believe it.

So this is why it's so important for you to be strong and show them that if they choose this path it will be bloody, nasty, painful, and not the happy land she pictures.

Slapping her with reality is the greatest way to get her back. But that means you need to be strong, find the truth, and take action.

The thing is, your marriage has NO CHANCE as long as the affair continues. If you choose to say "What Affair?" then there is nothing to stop it. It is not crazy or psycho to find out for sure. Affairs by nature are secretive. She is not going to voluntarily inform you. At best, you might accidentally stumble across evidence but it's likely she's been careful to prevent that.

Yes, it will hurt when you confirm it. But it will also bring some closure to your wondering about what went wrong. I got the ILYBNILWY speech and the request for D before I found out. Those 5 days that I didn't know were pure torture.

It is far easier to deal with this if you know what sort of evil you are facing. Information is power.

KOS, buddy, what are you saying here?

""However for my own sanity, I am not going to start to put recording devices, etc. Around to try to see if i can confirm this. I am in enough pain as it is I don't need to add to the pressure.""


So if you found a lump somewhere on your person, and it kept growing and freaking you out, you wouldn't go to the doctor because you were in enough pain and didn't want to add to the pressure?

Dude, this is a fight for your marriage and your family!! This is a war to keep things together.

Sounds like you are cowering under the covers like a little girly man, as our Gov would say. On this matter you must man up and get to the bottom of things.

Who gives a sh1t if YOU need added pressure. What about your two little children?? Sure your heart has just been ripped out of your chest, but you have to keep on fighting.

Sound to me like you are GIVING UP.

""I mean if in the off chance nothing is happening I don't want to work myself up into a crazy paranoia that will end up hurting me in the long run.""

OFF CHANCE??

But what if there is nothing happening? Wouldn't it be a relief to find out that is not the problem? You can then tackle the meds and find a good depression therapist.

And if there is an A going on, we here in the halls of MB know how to combat that too.

But you have to confirm if there is an A or not. And to do this you MUST snoop.

Pomdbd3 brought up the point about her appearance. Has she changed her hair? Lost that baby weight and got toned up? Dressing more provocatively? Staying later at work, going out after work with a group?

How long has she been back to work? I would think maybe 6 months or less, since your second child is less than a year.

Do you work at home or is there a nanny?

Some things you can snoop on easily. Check the phone records, check her phone. If all previous calls are deleted that's not good. Does she spend much time on the home computer? Check the history.

A voice activated recorder in her car is not really a big deal.

You will go more out of your mind passively not knowing, rather than becoming actively and aggressively trying to find out what the HECK is going on.

KOS, this last post of yours sounds like a little woosey boy crying poor poor me at his pity party. The battle has just begun so don't be giving up already.

Grow a back bone and fight for what is right and for your family.

IMHO

kirk

The clothes drawers make good hiding places as well. I found a Valentine's Day card written to one of the multiple other men in the drawers.

She was also hiding our family laptop there.

Check pockets of coats or pants and if you get the chance peek into her purse.

I took the cell phone when she was sleeping and found many texts to other men in there.

Snoop and you'll find what you need to know about her cheating. Trust us. We've seen this sad movie played out many, many times or lived it ourselves.

You're basically: The Nighmare of the Wayward Wife 47,000! This movie is just like the previous 46,999, just with new characters! The dialog is virtually identical! The setting is different!

You must be strong!

Let me also add as a FWW.

I am a Christian, I am or was naive. I still had an affair.
I taught Sunday School for over 10 years and was heavily involved in our church. I still had an affair. I talked terribly about people who cheated and I'm sad to say I judged them. I still had an affair.

If it happened to me, it can happen to you.

These stories are all so similar. You should just snoop for if nothing other than to prove us wrong or to be able to gain peace of mind if she's not having an affair.

But I would bet that she is- just like Mrs Wondering said. All cheaters share basically the same script- sayings and lies. It's funny too, at the time you think you're being original- but then you come to Marriage Builders and find out you're not!

You're in a battle to save your children from your WW at this point. She is not putting their best interest at heart- having an affair on their father.

SNOOP. SNOOP. SNOOP.

Well, you were right. Let the tape run once. Found out she had a boyfriend. I can't say I am thrilled about it. And spare me the told you so's. I confronted her that night. Have felt like i died inside ever since.I talked to an attorney today going to move forward with a divorce. It is all moving to fast for me.

KOS:

Don't jump the gun on the D. Let things settle down. Get your emotions in check. If you still love your wife, you may be able to work things out. I am sure the MB vets will chime in soon.

R is possible. My WW was totally disconnected and we are on our way back.

Sorry to hear about the turn of events, though from your previous description of your WW's behaviour, it didn't really come as a surprise.

You may have confronted her a bit too early. Did you get the following information from the recording or from your WW when you confronted her?

1. The OM's name
2. Contact information for the OM
3. Is he single, M'd, D'd?
4. How long has the A been going on?
5. How long has it been physical?

Man, I'm sorry you're going through this. I still feel you had the right to know the truth. Listen to the Vets here. They may be right about you jumping the gun on the D because your emotions are all over the place now. Has your wife started to be truthful with you yet?

KOS,

Kind of a standing rule that is recommended to the JFOs (just found outs) is DO NOTHING DRASTIC FOR 3 MONTHS!.

Let the emotions swirl and ebb and flow!! You will feel differently in one month and then feel another way in two months.

What does she want to do?

Is she remorseful or defiant?

Is the OM married? You must do anything possible to break up the A. The main way to do it is by exposure.

Exposing the filthy A to the light of day brings it out in the open. The A quickly loses it's appeal to the afairees when it is made public.

If the OM is married you quickly tell his wife and show proof to her. You do NOT tell your W that you will do this. She then warns the OM and he then tells his W that there is a crazy man on the loose.

Does the OM work with her? You expose to the HR where she works.

Her anger and rage will rain down on your for doing this, but you are doing it to save your family. You hunker down and ride out the storm.

The emotions you are feeling have been felt by me and every other BS on this forum. You are not alone!! We did not berate you earlier, (at least I didn't ) just so we could say we told you so!

Most folks here are not like that at all. We have been helped through this and have then helped others through this. It is the worst thing imaginable, rated close to losing a child.

You can find comfort here as well are advise.

Keep posting and let us know what is happening in your life.

Stay strong and take care of yourself. Eat right, lay off the sauce, exercise, get enough sleep.

And read up on Plan A to become the best husband you can be and win her back.

Very sorry you found out the worst. Now you fight to retain your family.

IMHO

kirk

KOS,

HOLD ON!

Don't jump the gun!

I jumped right into divorce just as you are doing and I totally screwed myself in terms of custody with my children.

You're jumping right into divorce without getting your head on straight. There is a saying that you should make no major life decisions under extreme emotional duress.

Well, you have extreme emotional duress right now.

You're not going to get any "I told you so's" here. We've been through your pain and understand it.

Your wife just emotionally raped you.

What state are you in?

If you live in a fault state then you need to file for adultery and on grounds of adultery.

Check that you're in a two party state for recordings. If you're in a one party state you can use the recording as evidence. If you're in a two party state than what you did is illegal.

Does she want to reconcile?

There's ways to recover your marriage. But rushing into divorce isn't it!

You have time and you owe it to your kids to give yourself that time.

If she wants to leave, then let her. Keep your kids and secure your rights as a father!

She wants out, then show her the door, but the kids stay in the house.

You need to do some things which are super hard:

Cut her off financially. No more joint accounts. Open a new one and move all your family finances into it or she will clean you out. Trust me. I speak from experience.

Cancel the cell phone. She can pay for her own if she wants to cheat.

Look, being strong is what is attractive and what she'll respond to. Showing her that you're going to make things easy is EXACTLY what she wants. Showing her that divorce will be a brutal path that is going to be ugly and nasty and full of danger for her will make saving her marriage a much wiser choice than that of divorce.

Granted, you have the right to divorce her after she cheats, but you must be super smart if you want to preserve your rights as a father.

Believe me, that is critical!

So don't rush into anything and give yourself a chance to breathe.

There won't be gloating here. Finding out that we are wrong about an affair is a mistake we all would happily make on this board. Confirmation of cheatins is sad and we feel for you, bud. Many of us here have felt that pain and there is nothing like it anywhere to compare it to. It's worse than death.

Let us do the thinking for you till you get your breath back. Post here and get great advice.