Good afternoon!

Well, unfortunately when I come to Chicago for business I almost never have time for 'fun' things. I, too, love ALL of the places everyone has mentioned.

If only management would book some of these meetings on Friday so that I could stay for the weekend! A nice Chi-town weekend sounds FANTASTIC! Last time I did that, I brought up Mom & sisters, stayed downtown by the river, got upgraded to a suite for free and had a total BLAST!! We've talked about it ever since and we are way past due for another weekend just like that.

I am at the airport now,,,,I tried catching an earlier flight, but did not make it so I have a bit of time for this post. My meeting went (I think) VERY well. VP of my dept seemed pleased, which is what really counts! Made me feel Good (back to professional Trashy Goddess - - Queen of the Dump - - Princess of the Compost ).

Talked to Ladybug last night who made a point to talk to me about tonight being meet the teacher night - and she was really wanting to know if she was going with me or going to G'ma's.

Nothing from Drac - I did email him the time for pics tomorrow. It's much earlier than I'd hoped for, but I booked what they had. No reply from him. Whatever. He said he'd make it work, I'm taking him at his word.

I did buy DSS a new shirt to wear for the pic. Options are 1. drop it off at Drac house tonight on my way home from the airport. 2. Take to meet the teacher tonight and give to Drac 3. Just wait and have it ready for him to put on at the church. Plan B choice is just have it ready for him to put on right before the picture, so that's done.

Ok, I guess I'd better use my work computer to do some actual work.

HI Bugs! Just dropping on on you! Was doing a little reading and trying to catch up some...I have been thinking about all of you for about a week now...

I finally sat down and got here! WhooHOO!!!

Good to see that you are still going strong...Miss you so much!

SLOW, Bugsy. Must . . . go . . . slow.

You've already waited forever. You can wait a little longer. We Bees (even former ones. . . Hi, Rin!) are nothing if not patient.

Hey Rin!

What's happening sweetie! You are overdue for an update!!!

Hi SD! See you are up to your overnight posting again! Hope you are ok.

I arrived home (finally) yesterday. Picked up Ladybug which is always my Favorite part of any trip!! She went to Grandma's so I could go to meet the teacher night.

Drac was a no show. I'd already set myself up for the acceptance of that, so no disturbance in the 'force' happened for me, other than I am a tad curious as to WHY he didn't come.

Before it was time for Meet the Teacher, he DID respond about the picture appt. He wanted to confirm it is tonight, then he asked about travel arrangements, would I be picking up DSS or what did I have in mind. I simply replied that I would do whatever was necessary. His reply, "It does not matter to me, I have no plans. I can bring DSS to the church if you get Ladybug from Latchkey. I can then take them when you are done. What do you think?"

I replied that would be great.

Simply friendly co-parenting?

I am frankly, amazed. His offer was a surprise, and he is going to the church? It will be interesting to see if he comes in. He'll get to watch is 'family' getting their 'family' picture taken without him. And, he will be in the one place that he needs to be so desperately - church.

I dreamed last night about it - but only that afterwards he asked me to go to dinner with them all. In the dream I declined, saying that I had plans. Which, I in fact DO have plans with friends after. That isn't going to happen, but it is insightful for me to be aware of my 'expectations' and 'hopes', even thought I am working very hard not to have either of those right now.

Ladybug called him after I picked her up from Grandma's. He knows she stayed there for a while. I talked to DSS - it was his first day of school and he said it went well. First day of High School!! He said he didn't get to practice = there is some question/issue about his not having his physical. I asked if he needed a different form. He said, no and that 'it would be taken care of'. I said, Oh, ok. He then said something about turned in to the wrong coach? I know he had the form, because I took him to the dr. myself. He was adamant about "we'll get it taken care of" - which I know were Drac's words. I assured him that I was confident that it would be taken care of and dropped the subject. Had to end the call as cell phone was going dead.

Finished up the evening with Ladybug reading stories before bed.

Now, gotta get Ladybug ready for school. Hope everyone has a great day!

MOrning Bugs! Hi SD!

Patient! HA! I think that I have grown impatient to be honest...and for some reason especially with XWH, I keep hoping and wishing, thing is now that I am removed from the sitch and can see a bit better...I see what he's doing...I think that it's part of the grieving process for him...touch and go...

Hoping and wishing carried me a long time in my M...thinking that things would change for the better and they didn't...thinking that he would mellow in his old age...he's changed all right...and I CAN tell that he cares about me a whole lot BUT it's not enough to say I can deal with what he's done or is doing...frankly I don't like his life...he doesn't say it but I know that he still hangs around with OW...thing is SHE doesn't want a REAL relationship with HIM...but he's still there...settling like I was for SOOO long...

It's almost like he wants to change but doesn't have the tools and know how to get where he wants to go...like so many of us once was...

Doesn't stop me from opening that door in the past and checking him out only to cause more heartache...

Friendly co-parenting, yea, sounds like what we were/are doing when we do talk...I try to keep it to the kids, HE on the other hand tried to talk about other things...I've actually come to love NOT talking to him...but I know that there will be sometimes in the future that I will have too...and I'll remember my training here...


You're doing good BUGS...keep that holding pattern...nothing has changed for real YET...they have their NICE period and then it's back to the same old...it's as if they get lonely and want the familiar...like someone said "the fix!' once that's done they are off following that gold plated road again...it's sad really!

So she goes away for a month or so and comes back with the sagelike wisdom... go Rin!!


This bears repeating, and articulates perfectly where my concern lies here for Bugsy.. as well I imagine Mimi in particular and others as well..

Bugsy.. this is exactly why it's breadcrumbs.. not whole pieces of bread.. why it's step by step.. slowly reeling in the line rather than getting overly excited and yanking the line once you've set the hook..

If you give Drac too much at once.. he'll take up the invite.. drain you of your vitae.. and then go back to his 'castle' in transylvania.. wash, rinse, repeat.. and our fear is that Bugs will get hung out to dry..


In the darkness of your continued Plan B there is peace.. your actions are going to tell him what you want to be to him.. if you just flirt, you'll be his tease or his next fling.. if you just coparent you'll just be the mother of his daughter.. if you're just friendly you'll only ever just be a 'friend' with history... but if you want your H... you've got to demand that he is nothing less... go back to your PBL.. do a check to see if the perimeter has been breeched, and if it has.. shore up those boundaries.

Bugs --

You're doing all the right things. So why isn't he pursuing thing quicker?

Because he is still in a world of confusion.

He knows what he once had with you. He knows that he screwed it up. So now that he's pushed everything this far chasing the ho...

He is feeling like getting back with you is still full of HURDLES.
There are a lot of negatives associated with that.
Will he always be the bad guy?
Does this place him on unequal footing with you forever?
How would your family treat him?

There is an embarressment factor in play. It may seem easier to him to keep running away than to face all of your friends and family....

He has not grasped a picture of what life could be like with his family restored.

The good news is that with HONOMO....he's realizing how screwed up that situation was and he's taking steps to correct his relationships. He's being a better dad, and he's treating you better.

Hang in there....

Thanks guys!

James & Rin - good reminders about boundaries. I need to be especially aware of keeping them in place. H can cause those to be changed, but Drac can not. One glimpse of H doesn't mean Drac isn't still in charge.


Lexxxy -

I can SO see this. It's a struggle for me to want to do things to help him see that Picture and to BELIEVE it is possible to overcome those hurdles.

I struggle with enforcing boundaries (so as not to be relegated to a flirt, a backup, a mommy, a co-parent) while at the same time doing things in such a way as to encourage him/show him a way to grasp that picture of our family being restored.

How does a person come to believe/understand that yes, there would be hurdles to recovery, but also the GREATEST of rewards VS starting with yet another new person, which just seems so much 'easier'?

What's the 'key' to getting the WS to take on and be willing to overcome that embarassment? Is it possible that the 'team exercise' last week has helped that? I could have dessimated (sp?) him in front of everyone, but I didn't. I stated the truth, but didn't try to HURT him in the process. He faced our peers and got through it.


I believe a good dose of MB is key to helping a WS believe it's possible. That having a PLAN is what it takes. That it doesn't have to be about their entire childhood or simply focused on one person's shortcomings/mistakes.

So,,,,,,,,,,the longing for the face to face has been wanting to have the chance to put that out there. Steve said, he's uneducated, but if he would agree to the 'idea' of there being a possibility, then he could become educated and recovery would be very likely.

I just wanna kick his Dumb A$$ and tell him to get Educated! haha!!

atta girl!
I'm glad you have already recognized his struggle!

That's why you're seeing things like match.com. Its the easy path.

He still considers you an option. But frankly, he's scared to to there.

So how does he become UN-Scared??

The sermon that Mark wrote explains how in a way.

G-d will help him become UN-scared. It's not our job to worry about it or DO ANYTHING, but just trust G-d that it will happen.

You are getting absolutely amazing advice as well as you are just awesome in how you are doing. I imagine your insides are all turned around, but you are so keeping to your teachings on here and open to people telling you how to walk through this.

Remember this is a marathon and it's one you have trained very long and very hard for. You are in shape, you have the understanding of what is happening, you are reaping the benefits of your hard work and letting G-d do his miracles, because ultimately he knows the plans he has for us.

His plans are to properous us and not hurt us.

{{{{{{{{BUGS}}}}}}}}}

You need to find those opportunities to deliver the CONSISTANT message.

Forgiveness is possible. You want a true partnership of equals -- this would not be going back to the old relationship. That you've learned how to do this.


Let me ask you something. In a restored marriage -- what is your first priority? your marriage or your children?

Queenie.. I think for the first time we're a little divergent here on the God handling it all..

God I believe will help him overcome his fears.. but only if he's looking for God's help in doing it. Praying he turns to God is a good start..

At this point though, Drac is looking at Bugsy for clues.. and that is why Steve told her to leave the breadcrumbs..

I do agree with Bugsy that at some point there needs to be a face to face... warm, but very matter of fact conversation so that Bugs can get an answer to the question 'Do you want to recover'.. and Drac can get a clear picture of what it's going to take on his end.. and just how much Bugsy is willing to go through/put up with...

I would reckon the circular thinking of wanting the BS to be an option.. being afraid of the hurdles of R.. fear that things will just go back to the way they were before... and if that wasn't good enough then.. why would it be now.. is the same kind of stuff that left the BS temporarily paralyzed when we were blindsided by the A... desperately looking at every WS action for some kind of insight or answers..

I think, in a weird sort of way.. that's where Drac is now.

He doesn't trust himself... doesn't trust what he sees from Bugs just yet -because- he doesn't trust himself.. he -knows- somewhere deep within that it's his desire to be with -someone-... Bugs has the advantage here because he knows he can be 'comfortable' with her... but he also knows that he's thrown a lot of garbage on her, and deserves her resentment, anger, and perhaps even hatred...

Ever see a dog bite at it's owner and then immediately realize he just -really- screwed up?

Same kinda thing..

No easy answers on how to make him unafraid Bugs.. other than to make every interaction with him safe... don't lie or deny that he hurt you ever.. that's a truth he MUST understand if he's going to be willing to take the EP's necessary for recovery.. but he needs to feel like that is something Bugs not only is willing to work through... but wants to get past.

I think it boils down to the vaunted 'conversation'... but when/where to have that? That I don't have an answer to... I think it waits until Drac feels safe enough to go out on a limb again and bring up an 'us' conversation... if it's on the phone, why not say... 'Drac.. send DSS over to watch Ladybugs for a bit.. let's you and I get some coffee, hit the trail at the park and talk..'

If it's in person.. and the opportunity presents.. I'm sure you can improvise appropriately..

He may not go back out on that limb for a while.. he's tested it.. and it held the test weight.. he's not yet ready to put a full step out there..

James,

What a terribly insightful post!! Thanks so much for that.

I think you are right about stepping out on that limb,,,,I think there is some desire to do it, but a great deal of fear still exists.

This afternoon, I missed a call from him. He didn't leave a vm and I hadn't called back - - He called back in 10 minutes. He wanted to let me know he was on the way to go get DSS for church picture appt. He wanted to tell me that he was running 30 minutes later than he had planned on. I could just tell from his voice that for whatever reason that this was important to him and he was not happy to have not stuck to his plan.

I simply said, "well, it happens." He then went on. He wanted me to know how DSS didn't want to miss any football practice as he is afraid of 'losing his position', so he went to practice. Drac said he would have called him to remind him he was on his way, but DSS has lost his phone again. (How he would take the call during practice, I am not sure). So, he said he'd go get him, take him home & 'hose him off' and they'd be there.

He asked about my telling DSs that I had a shirt for him to wear. I said, yes i have a nice shirt that I bought for him, it's really kind of cool, I think he'll like it. Drac was concerned with if he needed to bring him by my house to change,,,would he change at church. I told him he could just change at church. I then thanked him for calling to let me know.

I could literally hear him take a deep breath and then he said," I'm really sorry". I could tell he meant it, so I again said, "Hey, this stuff happens. I'll see you when you get there."

Ladybug and I finished getting ready and headed to church. Drac & DSS were just a few minutes late, no big deal. DSS came in and went to change. Drac stayed in his car. We had the shots taken and then found out that since it is digital, our 'proofs' would be ready shortly and we could wait to see them and place our order.

We all walked out to Drac's car. He finished the phone call he was on and got out to hug Ladybug. I told him what was going on and asked if he would like to come in and see/order some pictures. He looked surprised/pleased and said Yeah, I'd like that.

So, we all went back inside. The kids were very excited to show Drac all around church. We are just finishing an extensive remodel that includes some really nice furnishings. He commented on a side dresser/table that he said he'd like to have - I told him I thought the same thing when I saw it and had intended to ask where they got it. (Admiring and agreeing with his taste). The kids started by showing him the sanctuary. Ladybug was telling him about last week's service and I found out that he already knew some of it from what they'd already told him before! (very cool that they tell him about church)

We then walked down and he saw both of their Sunday school rooms. On the way we passed some couches I really like, too. Ladybug said it was like Drac's - he said that his is "all leather and very uncomfortable" (this is part of the HoHouse furniture that they bought when they moved in together). LB mentioned that they were getting a 'new' couch. He looked at me and asked if I'd heard the story. I said no. He said that he'd found a 'new' couch on a trash route - - it's really nice but has a 'bit of a funky smell' and he's hoping to get the smell out so he can move the other downstairs. I laughed, smiled, and gave him a high five saying "Now THAT's my trash man!". It was a compliment & I think it pleased him. The Ho liked the $$ he made, but not so much the 'trash man' image - she was used to Doctors and Lawyers in her life and despite the beginning of their R, she looked down on the industry or those that get their hands dirty.

So, as we are touring the church he shared a story about Ladybug 'knowing' how cute she is. We had an enjoyable time. Then we went in to see the pics. I made sure to sit down with Drac standing behind me. We went through all of the shots and had to narrow down to 3. I don't know if he realized it would include a 'family' shot of me & the kids. Almost every time we had to make a choice, I looked back and up at him to ask his opinion. He commented on how good they all were.

Then it was time to order, and I asked him how many he wanted. He sat down in the chair next to Ladybug, but the way were were positioned, we touched several times. The first couple he shied away, but then I made a point NOT to shy away, and then he didn't either. He was teasing Ladybug about the 'hole' in her smile,,at which time I made some silly comment about it being a 'beauty space' and laid my hand on his chest.

So, we finished up and headed outside. We joked & laughed about LB's dress on the way out - it came from a friend of mine who runs a local charity. It came in to her thrift store, tags still on it, Pure Silk, never worn, $175. I paid $8. I told him that other than my wedding dress, I doubt I'd spent that on a dress in all of my adult life! She asked if she needed to change before they left, I said no, it's ok. He said, "well, I'm sure she wants it back. Although we COULD see about doing something with it." I said, "pay it forward?" He said heck no! We'll sell it for a profit! haha!

Ladybug needed her homework out of my car so we all walked over. I showed him her self portrait from meet the teacher last night. He talked about it and then stood there still chatting. Shared with me stories about DSS and football. DSS joined the conversation and we all talked about working on learning more & getting better. I made sure to comment about how knowledgeable Drac is, that he can really help DSS, I supported and enforced things Drac said about what DSS needs to do, including several times, "Dad is right about 'x'".

The conversation was dying down, but he kept standing here. Ladybugs gave me hugs and kisses 2 or 3 times before he started to move away saying "well, we'd better get going".

Finally we started to walk from the passenger side of my car around, so I took the opportunity to put my hand on the small of his back as we walked.

I don't know that it could have gone much better. I know it may seem that this was a 'co-parenting' thing, but it 'felt' like a bit more than that. I know, I know,,,,,,actions not feelings!!

So after that I went out for a couple of hours with some friends, but came home early. I'm having pain in my arm/shoulder that isn't getting any better and was really bothering me tonight.

I thought several times of email messages I could send, but I have refrained. I'm not sure what, if anything, to do right now, so I think doing nothing is the best choice.

I'm off for a glass of wine and some tylenol!

nicely done....

He's just got to see how nice it would be to have the family back together after that!

I'm sure his head is swirling today. He'll want more...

GOOD STUFF!! Now it's HIS TURN!!

I'm thinkin' Drac is a little :crosseyedcrazy: today.

Sit back, relax. Next move is on Drac.

Fox

Atta girl Bugs! Dark again now!! Wait for him to provide the next opening.....

I recently spoke to the guy who fixes my car. He told me he and his wife just got back together. Basically said that single life wasn't what he thought. Said he missed his family so much and didn't want to spend the rest of his life alone in some apartment. I bet Drac missed his family today!!!

Thanks everyone!!

Turns out that I was darker today than I realized- well at least for the start of the day. Drac left me a vm this morning right after he took Ladybug to school, but I didn't get the message til late afternoon.

I called him back, got vm let him know I'd just gotten the message. He called right back "sorry I missed your call. I was driving and couldn't get the phone out of my pocket"

He went into this whole setup about how our lives are now "changed and will never be the same again" (I'll be honest, I got a horrible feeling in the pit of of stomach similiar to Dday).

The big news? DSS has a girlfriend. I said, "What's to be upset about? We should be sitting on the patio drinking champagne!" DSS has NEVER had a girlfriend EVER. He refused to even TALK about girls to the point that we wondered for a while about his orientation = he'd make such a scene if anyone ever mentioned girls.

Drac went into detail about DSS telling him about it last night. He also mentioned about how he had talked to DSS about his friend where DSS stays when Drac is out of town sometimes and that DSS thinks his daughter is cute. Drac had a talk with DSS about being respectful. He said he doesn't want DSS to
'end up like me'. He had DSS at a young age.

He also said, "you don't know what's been going on. 'We've' had 2 scares with 'x' (his bf's 15yr old step daughter), involving pregnancy tests. I'm 34 years old, and I don't need to be a grandfather" I commented that I wasn't really surprised about the friend's daughter, but I didn't take it beyond that. She's been a behavior problem w/boys for a few years.

I pretty much just listened. He then said "I'm at x office now and have to go in, but I think you need to know important things, and this is important stuff. I thought you should know. "


I replied, "yes, there's a lot I should know. I think it's important. Thanks for letting me know." Although the tone of my voice wasn't as appreciative as I might have wanted - - in fact, I think my tone was a bit 'let down' sounding.

I was let down, because of the way he ended it I felt like he's trying to corral me into the Mommy only role with us being 'friendly co-parents'. He didn't have to call and tell me this. 3 months ago, he never would have let me know it at ALL. But the way he ended the call, combined with the 'you don't know what's been going on' and the 'we' have had scares with 'x' comment really made me feel very much kept on the outside still.

It just seemed that he's let me in for this glimpse, but is making it clear that he has HIS life totally separate and intends to keep it that way.

Am I over analyzing this?? Should I just be pleased with the reach out from him??

Yes.