I think it's POSITIVE. He's "rapping" to you...trying to FIGURE out WHAT to say to APPEAL to you..

HOLD TIGHT..

STAY DARK..

LET HIM MAKE THE MOVES...

I think you blew his mind last night...

Good going, Bugs.

Bummer Bugs. He seems to be running hot and cold. I guess if Mimi says this is good, it must be. I sure don't know what to think. Sounds to me too like he is just wanting the friendly co-parent thing too. Just when I think you have him hooked, he backs off. Well, I guess that's the description of a wayward for you......

Sounds like good stuff to me, Bugsy

You are doing really well.

Let him make the moves toward you.

YES, you are overanalyzing.

I wish I had a little birdie on my shoulder to smack me upside the head every time I started overanalyzing. I'd be comatose from all the hits to the head, but I'd stop all the overanalyzing

Yep, you are overanalyzing. Hello kettle, I am pot.

My thought is that he is coming up with ANYTHING to tell you so that he can talk to you. And it is safe because it is stuff you NEED to know, right?

Just like in the beginning of Plan B.....they will call with the most trivial little thing just to have contact with the BS.

This is no different. He's "feeling" you out. (not UP, yet, but that will happen too eventually, methinks )


Fox

EXACTLY!!

In my view, it's "COURTING" again..that's GREAT...

Like when a guy is ATTRACTED to you..not sure of what to talk about or the right thing to say..hoping to come up with something that's not too obvious or ridiculous...

CAT BEHAVIOR...

SLOW, Bugs. Slow down.

I don't know how to interpret his contact/words/actions, although Mimi's description makes a lot of sense.

Remember that you are holding out for what you need to see, and that it will take more time than you want to wait, and that it may not come at all. I think it will, but it may not.

Slow down.

Well, I am thrilled to have YOU ALL here to whap me upside the head! Thank goodness it's only cyber-whapping! Oh,,now BC's going to HAVE to make a comment about that, now isn't he? Oh well, Whap away, BC! I am sure you've had plenty of practice! :twobyfour: :twobyfour:


Cat behavior,,,,,,so, do I dare to hope that he is 'stalking' me?!

I do rather like the sound of the word 'courting', but I don't think we can apply that word just yet. To me, courting means things like extra special acts of kindness & expressions of affection (flowers, cards, romantic dinners, walks, talks).

I am hoping that taking it SLOW will enforce his feeling SAFE enough that we may eventually get there. I'm hoping I am more appealing (despite the hurdles) than the options on match.com! I am trying hard not to think too much about that.

In fact, I'm trying to view this as a 'new' relationship in as many ways as I can. If this were a 'new' guy, I would not know much, if anything, about other dates, etc. So, in that way, I am trying to control my analysis and over productive imagination.

Ladybug and I went out to dinner tonight - I just didn't feel like cooking. We chatted about all kinds of stuff. I mentioned how nice Daddy was last night. She immediately responded, "Maybe he's liking you again.". I laughed out loud. She's such a hoot! I casually responded that it was just nice to have him being nice, and she agreed. I don't want to drag her into any false hopes - - or any hopes at all in terms of Drac & me. I know she'd love nothing better than us all back together again. But the road is long before we reach a place where the kids would need to know anything 'might' be possible.

We are having casual/lazy night tonight. So, we are off to snuggle in bed and read books.

ahem....young lady please refer to my previous posts(has it been a month alreready? since I predicted this?)

He's putting on a show for you. He's trying to demonstrate some positive traits. Sharing DSS is a way for him to show he's changed. Remember 6 months ago when he was keeping DSS to himself?? Now he's trying to be more open with you.

And frankly? You are meeting his need for conversation. Because there is no one in the world he would rather share this with than you. No one else but you cares about DSS and can share those special "proud parent" moments with him.

So don't look at these items as him only trying to put you into mommy-role. Its also the easiest ice-breaker for him.
So my advice is don't get your back up when he comes to you with kid-related items. Just find a way to throw something else at him when he does....flirt, reminisce...

So, Bugs...looks like things could go your way....Stop...and remember things that plucked his heartstrings....you are a computer savvy gal....do a windows movie maker slideshow for him. Put down your entire lives together with appropriate tunes.
Invite him over for dinner, have a fun evening with the kids and play the DVD you just made with Ladybug's and DSS's commentary on the side. They will interject comments that will bring him back home. Cat and mouse is good, but you have 2 kids waiting for normalcy to return...time to take him back in time and make him rewrite the history he just rewrote...You are a "church lady" now, time to make him "love his wife like the Lord Loves His Church. A Christian woman will redeem her spouse. Do a "slide show of your lives together...it will effect him in a positive manner. Just my 2 cents GF

You know how to tell if a cat is stalking? Watch it's tail - the twitchier the more engaged the cat is, body and mind to catching it's prey.

So...

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Is his tail twitching?

Yes - duly noted! I LOVE it when you are right - and sure seems like you were!

Ok, so he's putting on this show. I'm happy and trying very hard to be patient. I realize I have been 'preparing' and educating myself for this possibility for so long that I'm just too anxious for it to come to bear 'real' fruit. I recognize this and am really, truly working on the patience.

GF, I like the idea of the movie. I just don't know when would be the right opportunity. Yes, the kids are ready for a 'normal' life, but until Drac gives more of a Green Light, or let's me know he's ready to cross the starting line, I don't want to appear 'heavy' handed.

It's a great project for me to work on and stay busy while being patient!!


Thanks much!

Kayla, so good to have a post from you. Hope life is looking better for you these days.

I think the 'twitching' is there. I hear it a bit in his voice when we speak,,,,,,a bit of nervous mixed with perhaps a ting of excitement??

As has been pointed out, he's using things I 'need' to know as openings for us to interact. Does he have any idea himself that these are 'excuses'? Does he realize how much he WANTS to talk to me? I don't know. I am hoping it's becoming a realization for him.

Lexxxy, thanks too for the reminder to keep an open mind when he's sharing the parenting stuff. I'll try to keep that back down!

I am also trying hard to keep from wondering so much what he's up to. I'd gotten really good at it for a while, but it's crept back into my thoughts way too much lately. Such as this morning when Ladybug told me they are going to his BF's house tomorrow. I'm thinking "Why? So he can leave the kids there overnight and have a date from match.com?" YIKES!! I HATE those thoughts!!!

Work is calling my name,,,,,,,,lots to do. Have a hair cut appt this afternoon (but I'm loving my hair right now) and then will meet a friend after. Tomorrow have plans with another GF. And of course, the requisite house, yard, pool work to do, too.

Will try to catch up with ya'll later!

Morning Bugs, I don't have anything to say really, I think that you and the others have a handle on things here...just wanted to let you know that I'm here in the back ground supporting you...cheering you on...

Hey Rin!! Glad to see you back posting - missed you!

Well, got another call this afternoon from Drac. He was picking up Ladybug from school, then going by DSS's football practice to fill out the form for his pictures which are today. He asked me what pics I would want. I gave him a run down of a 'best guess', but told him depends on the cost & that I trust him to pick for me.

He went on and talked for 15 minutes. Told me in DETAIL what was going on with them tonight. He as work dinner, so his BF is getting the kids, then FIL is picking them up on his way home. Then "I am driving down there and we are ALL spending the night at Dad's".

Yikes - I almost fell off the chair with that 'reassuring' detail!!

We talked about work stuff,,,,,I joked about if he drinks too much tonight and I was going to say "Call a cab". He cut me off and said "I stopped drinking." I asked, since when? He joked back "Midnight last night. But I'm back on the wagon. Probably until 8pm tonight". We had a good laugh.

He then shared some concerns he's having with DSS. Staying organized for FB. He said he's doing ok with homework, but things like the pics and overall organization are a struggle. This has always been the way with DSS. So,,,,,,,,,I said, "you have done such a good job with getting him into a working routine for the mornings, I am sure it's just a matter of time before you incorporate the football thing. It will take some time for you to get all of the info you need to help him do it."

He said, "yes, well, I'm getting the hang of the on line thing. That's how I knew about the pictures today" (remember, I tried getting him to do this over a year ago). I just said, "That's really smart!"

We chatted a minute about Ladybug calling tonight. I told her when I talked to her that I'd be at the ballgame, so if she called & I missed her that I'd call her back. I told Drac I'd just try to call his Dad when "I'm able to talk".

That pretty much wrapped it up,,,at the end of the conversation I just had a happy laugh in my voice & I know he noticed but he didn't ask about it - He just told me to have a good weekend.

I've reallly felt good all day & I know it's because I was able to let thoughts/worries about him go. My mantra today is God has a plan (well, that's one of my mantras every day).

Then, with this phone call, it just made me feel like laughing out loud! For now, though, I'm putting aside the 'hopeful' thoughts of getting a call from him later tonight. Knowing the kids are squared away with FIL,,,,well it is possible.

Time will tell. God has a plan.

Bugs, you've got several people on here giving you great advice on what to do and how to react. I wish I could do the same, but I don't have confidence that I know anything about how this part works.

I think that things are going fairly well, and I certainly hope that they are going well, because I see that you have taken down many of your plan B protections. You're wondering about what he's doing, overanalyzing what he's saying, trying to get into his head, hoping for signs.

I see that you want this and that you are going for it full-bore. I knew you would. I probably would do the same.

I think that there are some people in the audience who would wonder why the hell you would even take Drac's phone calls unless they started with "I've been a complete idiot and I am so sorry." Personally, I don't see anything wrong with what you're doing so long as you realize that you're doing it.

I think it's worth the risk, but proceed with caution. Don't let your feelings and desires carry you away. Maybe ask yourself "What would Steve want me to do/say right now?"

I really want this for you, Bugs.

Bugs,


ditto for me, Bugs.

Hey SD & Luna~


I'm sure there are many people asking that question - I asked myself that at least once. The answer - because with Drac, it will never play out that way without some effort on my part. He's slowly coming out of the fog. As you have read, he is prideful/unsure/unconfident and as Steve said, Uneducated in the fact that it IS possible to restore our relationship. Without some encouragement and specific actions on my part, he will never believe that recovery is possible,,,,,,,,,and if he doensn't believe in something why/how would it ever happen? It wouldn't.

It still might not. It might, but odds are against it. I know that. Yet look back at my journey. Did I fight for all of that time for nothing? I did I fight to get to the point where there is a slight chance only to walk away and not fully give it a shot? No, I didn't.

Yes, I am divorced. Is it what I wanted, no? Yet it is a fact. Did my ex's A end? Yes it did. Is is possible for us to restore our relationship? I believe it is. If there is something I can do to help him believe that, too, then I am going to do it.

Just 2 months ago I did not believe his A would end. I did not believe he would ever say the words, "I've totally f'd up my life. My R with her was wrong. I was losing my daughter. I have done such horrible things."

He hasn't said the actual words, "I was an idiot. I am sorry", but it's darn close. And you know what? Even the words "I was an idiot. I am sorry" do not say "I want to work on a realtionship with you".

THAT is what is needed. He will need to make that decision, and he'll need to make it fairly soon. I know myself well enough to know that I can't quasi Plan A him for long. We will have to have The Talk. I can not 'be friends' with him like this long term if we are not going to pursue something more. I know I would destroy myself if I didn't keep that boundary.


I do ask myself that and I do try to keep the emotions and desires in check as much as I can. It's a tough balancing act because without the emotions and desires, WHY would I be doing any of this in the first place?? :crosseyedcrazy:

Thanks!!

I have been really, really lazy today. I just laid around the house and finally cleaned up around here and started some laundry around 11. I actually feel just 'down'. Not especially depressed or sad,,,,,,,just down. I think the 'high' of the recent interactions with him have come to a natural down place today.

I think they were all really good interactions, but as it seems to be netting no specific "forward" movement to The Talk, the day after is a bit of a downer if I let it be one.

I did go out with friends last night and had a great time. I think I'm going to grab a book and hit the pool. I need to clean it first, so I'll get that out of the way and then just 'chill' for the afternoon. I'm thinking a good movie, a bottle of wine, and some chinese tonight. 3 of my guilty pleasures! Heck, I think I'll also throw in a bubble bath for good measure!!

I do plan to think about how I want to proceed. How long do I want to or think I can keep up the current situation? I need to set some better ideas for myself going forward, for my own protection. I'm operating outside the 'plans' and coloring outside the lines here,,,,,,,,,,,and though I do have good direction from Steve on where we want this to go; as well as a good idea on how to get there, it's a matter of time and cost for me.

I won't let this cost me what it did in the past. There is going to have to be a set window of opportunity that Drac's going to have to either pony up and give it a shot or I will simply move back to MY life and little to no interaction with him.

I know that an ultimatium isn't the way to go with him, that's not what I'm talking about. I just mean that we need to get to the Talk so that I know if there's a bit of belief/desire on his part for more than friends/co-parents. Once that is confirmed or denied, I'll know and be better ABLE to pick the next steps.

Does that make any kind of sense?

My brain hurts. Think I'll clean the pool and rest for a bit.

I'll ck back later & hope to get caught up on everyone else's threads.

I would continue living a wonderful life without him, but leave the door open for the possiblity to have a relationship with him. Know that you will be just fine if he doesn't make a big effort.

It took my ex 7 months to start feeling sorry - that was last September. He STILL comes around and contacts me. He came by this morning. NOW, almost 2 years after the divorce, he seems to be getting it. Too late for us.

But take your time, don't get your hopes up, and see what ACTIONS he takes.

Bugs,

This has to be stressful for sure. Hard to know what to do. I think you are in good hands with Steve. He seems to be the most skilled at getting waywards home. I am praying that this all works out for you.


Sorry for the T/J but I have to catch Believer where I can. Believer, thought you wrote a letter to your XH. Why does he keep stopping by? Fill us in... Would you please start a thread - Believer's BS Life After D thread? Just to let us know what you are doing and how you did it. Your advice is great but sometimes I have to hunt you down!!

Absolutely I am proceeding with my own life,,,,,,,,,and on that note -

change of plans - am going out tonight. A friend of mine needs a wing-man Should be a good time - seeing a good band that I really love.

There's an email in my In box from Drac. I have previwed the contents, but not opened it yet. He's attached DSS's football schedule, noting that it's going to make the weekends busy.

It goes on to say ask if I am interested in 'keeping our normal schedule for next weekend.' Something about him not having any plans and money being tight. (hmmm wasn't it just a few weeks ago he had $$ to fly out of town for a concert?)

So,,,,,,,,,,the truth is I don't really have any set plans either. I am probably doing dinner with friends and then was going to the lake with my sister & the usual crew.
I am not sure what I will respond (and it may depend on what the rest of the email says). I think I will respond that he needs to have the kids per the planned holiday schedule, as I do have plans.

The one monkey wrench in this is that DSS's first football game is Sat. night and I really don't want to miss that. I may have to come back from the lake in time to go to the game. It's close enough that I can do that and even go back again on Sunday. I think that's a good plan.

I'm open for thoughts/ideas,,,,,,,,,,,,

I gotta finish getting ready to go out. Frankly, it's been YEARS since I've gone out at 10pm VS now I usually get home at 10 pm!! I don't know how long I'll be able to stay awake!! ha!


Oh,btw, I did mention to Ladybug when I just spoke w/her on the phone that I'm getting ready to go out. I think it's good for Drac to know I'm not just sitting here. They were outside working in the yard, and she told me they are planting flowers tomorrow??!! Now that's a first!