One of us doesn't feel complete peace about going to Bible group because they find it uncomfortable. The reason being they feel an outsider, and they are tired from work. It isn't because they don't share the beliefs. They will sacrifice and go, but that isn't enthusiastic agreement.

The other one can't not go, because they are so convinced God says it's important for a couple. They will feel bad if they make the other one sacrafice and go for them, but will feel wrong if we don't go.

I personally don't think the "God wants us too" is a sufficient reason when it comes to POJA. There are usually underlying reasons that prompt someone to make such a statement, and I think those reasons, as well as the other spouses reasons, should be explored further to find the win win answer.

Does it have to be this bible group at this church at this time? Perhaps a different church with a different group of people at a different time will meet everyone's needs.

Is part of the motiviation for the bible study to maintain social status at the church? Is it possible that the whole 'outsider feeling' can drift away with time? Can one spouse help make the other feel like less of an outsider? Is the difference involve different denominations between the spouses?

No, not any of the reasons you mention apply. It is to do with the second person's emotional needs primarily. It is one of their most important ones. Wanting to look good in the community is not to do with it.

The person who does not want to go has their own insecurities which are causing this, which are not valid, but are obviously real enough to them to make them feel uncomfortable.

Perhaps it is valid for the partner who wants to go, to respect the other person's insecurites and not insist they go if they don't feel they can do it each time. Back down and lessen the pressure. But at the same time, the person with the insecurities needs to realise they are not real and work through them to eventually feel comfortable and happy.

Alice,
Just a suggestion, but it might be easier if you spell out exactly what you are saying. Do you want to go but you H does not? Is it the other way around? Do you both share the same faith beliefs?
Lots of contributing factors could be in play. Maybe there is guilt along the way. Maybe not. But, a little more info could help.

By the way...
I go to church during the school year several times a week. H does not as he works. This is good for me not for him...it's ok with me.

We share the same faith. We are members of the same church.

W wants to go

H does not

I lost the part where H has to go. Is this a situation where he's working all day and then having to rush to get to Bible study without having time to eat or relax? You feel that God thinks it's important for couples to go, but if your H is stressed out from being there to please you, he's not receiving any of the message. And it's not fair to say his insecurities are not valid. That's like saying his feelings don't matter.

The church where my W and I attend has several different sunday school studies. I prefer the prophecy and revelation sunday school teachings and she prefers another. So we go to different classes and share what each other got out of the class.

That's very true - if he is stressed he will not recieve thankyou for that, it really helps.

I think I need to rephrase the bit about his insecurities being invalid, I didn't mean it that way at all, of course his feelings matter or I wouldn't not be asking this question. What I mean't was for example, if you were scared of spiders it would be invalid because they can't hurt you. Perhaps I should use a better word - erm.... inaccurate fears?

Well, I'm afraid of heights, and I don't think I would appreciate it if my spouse insisted that I go sit on a the edge of a cliff with her. No, it's not the same thing, but I think there is something to it.

What can you do to make things easier for him? Can the two of you have bible study by yourself to satisfy your needs? Can you go to a woman only bible study? What if he met you for coffee after the bible study to talk about it? Would your husband be more confortable in a men's bible study, then work his way up to couples?

There are so many other options besides, the H just sucking it up and doing what the W wants to do.

thanks

that has given me ideas and we will talk and be honest about the feelings behind our difficulties. I understand better now.

If it's not too much like prying...
Why is it that important that he go? Do you believe that by not participating he's in jeopardy of some sort?

Kind of. Well the bible says don't neglect meeting with other believers. You cannot be a Christian alone, you need to join a church family. We have church meeting on Sunday which is big. We meet in small groups in the week so we can get to know one another and support each other, and if this is missing I don't think it is God's best. This is the teaching we have in church, that when we meet together we all have something to bring, and we are a body and if someone is missing we miss out.

So yes kind of, that's why I say I believe God wants us both there. I don't want to do wrong to God.

p.s. not legalistically by the way, you don't have to be there EVERY week or else, lol

It's ok, I did not think you meant that as literal as it sounded.
I'm just concerned that you have a bit of tunnel vision here. My faith is Roman Catholic and my husband was raised Methodist although his dad and stepmom are Christian Scientists. There have been many times that because of my upbringing (very strict) when things go wrong I will mutter "ooohhh what did I do to deserve this?" My husband is incredulous that I think God gives people bad things in their lives because they are deserving. Really, he has a much kinder & gentler God than I was raised with. I DO NOT want to get into a Religion debate, but am simply trying to point out...what may feel absolute and definite to you, may not feel the same to your husband. And, if he's in the midst of any type of struggle, he may be currently in a state of resistance...which is totally normal. When I found out the depth of my H's EA, I was crushed further than I ever imagined possible. My first thought was to go to Church. I sat there and sobbed. This is not "normal" for me as I rarely seek out the aid of anyone live or not. So, I sat there for hours and felt comforted. I still, to this day, find myself there at off times. Just the smell of the candles & the creeking of the pews makes me feel safe. This is not the case for H. He paces our yard and invenoties flowers and plants. This is his church. I know this now and I have full understanding of this. Just a thought.

I see what you mean, God is one type of person to you and a different type to your husband. You each interact with him in accordance with that and it makes a good compromise.

It is so different for me, the whole purpose of being a Christian is to turn from our own way and go God's way. This means however much I would like to, I can't give God a personality that suits me and say, "that is my truth", and let someone feel different and say, "that is their truth". God can only be one person can't he? So the Bible reveals what he truly is, and doesn't say he can be different according to what makes us feel okay. He is nice and loving anyway, you know what I mean.

Anyway, concluding from that this is my logic.
God's principles are good and loving and make us happy if we obey them anyway. H's issues stem from having a wrong concept of them, that's why they make him feel bad instead of good. In a nutshell, H feels inadequate in a group setting, but God would want him free from that to feel loved and supported. H would isolate himself. Insecurites are fine to work slowly through, but I don't think to accept as your true, free personality.

The problem with POJA in this situation is, I can't POJA God's principles if they don't make H feel good, because they are not mine to mess with, can you see my predicament? But if H really knew God as he is, that God would never make him feel bad the problem would not exist in the first place. So the only thing I feel I can do is help H to see God as a nice person. My hands are tied.

I hope this doesn't come across as too judgemental, I am not mean I'm really not I promise.

But some people are just not comfortable in group settings. My W really dislikes being in big (overly crowded) churches. I don't really mind what size the church is. This is not going to be something that changes for my W.

Also, God is not compromised because your H chooses not to go on Tues or Weds or Fri. There's nothing in the Bible that states that one has to spend X amount of days in a church structure.

Very easily you could go, return home, and you and your H could share what you have learned. "...when two or three gather in His name..."