It's not easy, but REMEMBER that you are doing it so that you can "keep" any LOVE that you still have for her. You are not Divorcing her, you are engaging in a Plan that forces her to stop being on the fence and cake eating. And in the meantime, you are going to be protected and be able to GET STRONG!

Think of these things as tasks, like at your job. Make a list and go down the list and get everything into place. Tasks, step by step.

Once you are in Plan B, it will be difficult not to talk to her, but it will be even more difficult having her continue to abuse you.

P.S. I'm sure you will have many more conversations with yourself like this. Once you have completed the tasks and are effectively in Plan B, you can evaluate what it is you are really afraid of. Work that out with an IC. When you get stronger as an individual, you will realize that you won't tolerate this kind of behavior and abuse any longer.

WTF,
I hope you don't mind, but I copied and pasted your EXCELLENT post and shared it with stormy in here Help Me With Plan B post.

You Do.



Bingo!

Another important point of this is that while WW is in her A she is having her EN’s meet by two people: YOU and OM. If you remove yourself from the equation then the OM if FORCED to meet ALL of her EN’s. The OM will very likely NOT be able to do this and it will result in LB’ing between the affairies thus ending the A much quicker



Not entirely true. She does care about you and wants you to continue be healthy and work hard AWAY from her so you do not interfere with her “lifestyle”. It is very important that you continue to support her in the manner to which she wishes to become accustomed.



Very possibly… It depends on the story that SHE puts out to “cover” herself.

This is why MASSIVE EXPOSURE is necessary. When the TRUTH comes out about her behavior you WILL learn who the friends of your marriage are. They will support you and encourage your WW to “do the right thing”.

WW friendship pool will be reduced to those whom will help her / support her A. Those people are NOT friends to your marriage and will need to be jettisoned when / if you get to the point of reconciling your marriage.



You get ONE chance to do a good plan B.

Planning is crucial. That is why preplanning is so important. UNTIL you switch to plan B your MUST continue to do your best Plan A. When you launch Plan B you want her to “remember” a “good” plan A. It will make the switch to Plan B more effective.

YOU will be the biggest obstacle to a good plan B in the beginning. YOU WILL want to call her and see how she is doing, find out how she is doing through mutual acquaintances… You must refrain from doing this.

YOUR healing depends on this. Once you finally remove yourself for the constant abuse you will find that you are able to think more clearly and make better long range decisions.

Plan B is about helping you / preparing you to recover yourself regardless of the current state of the M.


Stay Strong!

Another important aspect of plan B is the transference of Power. Once you are comfortably in plan B power over your life shifts back to YOU. You no longer have to worry about what the WS will think of this or that. You are back in control of your own life.

BTW: This shift in power really bothers the WS. They begin to wonder if they really might loose you. :MrEEk:

SWW,
I just wanted to drop in and say Im sorry for the ongoing contact and evidence of affair, but hopefully it will help you achieve the peace of mind necessary to do a good plan B. You don't deserve the level of grief that she is thrusting upon you.

I think you recognize what her comments about "needing more time" really are. Have you exposed to OM's fiance now? I certainly hope so.

How are you doing?

Hi Andrew and WTF,

I haven't exposed to OM fiance as none of my friends know her, this is an entirely new social group. Under the care of WTF and others I am getting a plan B in order. I was going to expose yesterday to "friends" who may already know, but I am going to get my plan B letter in place and my plan B "plan" in place and do them at the same time. Gotta decide on a mediator first. Don't worry, I'll find out about fiance. She deserves to know.

I am heading home this weekend. Should I explain all this to my kids? I think I will have to, they already suspect, especially DD 15. I will prob wait till next week for the nuclear explosion of exposure and Plan B so that I am sure I can see the kids this weekend and WW doesn't make a scene in front of them.

How am I doing?

Oh I don't know. It feels better starting to have a plan, I have been getting stomped on pretty badly. Even DD tells me "mom never wears her rings anymore, we don't know where she is."

I'd say on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the best, today I am about a 5.

And yeah, I know what "I need more time to think" means. It means more time to bang OM charlie. It's been going on for so long now though that a few more days won't matter. I know that sounds strange, but oh well, I need to be ready for battle and it ain't gonna be a short skirmish.

I am starting to think more and more that this may not be worth the effort though. She, and I, are putting me thru a humiliating hell. I am now doing this for my kids, not me anymore, and strangely enough for WW.

I read on Rockstars thread about victims of childhood sexual abuse. My WW exhibits a lot of those traits but she has never told me anything. She craves the attention of men, has had a string of lovers, refuses any type of counseling and has a lot of men friends.

I am not gonna get into lay analysis at this point though, it's not relevent to the current tactical situation but maybe in the long-term could be an issue.

SWW, At the request of OnlyUCan, I have just spent the past two hours scanning your entire thread. Admittedly, it never occured to me that I might be able to help someone else out. After all, my ordeal just began May 1st! I fully realize that the end result of my situation is NOT the "success story" that you want to hear. Regardless, here's my 2 cents...

Plan B NOW and Plan B HARD! I know you read my story...I failed miserably at times! Plan B is completely about YOU. Removing yourself from WW's influence on your daily life is the ONLY way to preserve your sanity! It is VERY difficult at first, I don't think I ever pulled it off in a "text book" fashion, but what I did accomplish was being able to see the "forrest" and not just all of the annoying "trees."

I will fully admit that my WW was every bit as manipulative as yours. The saddest thing is that...they are that way because we ALLOW them to be that way! Control what YOU can control...yourself!

You have the same cast of characters giving you advice as I had. Trust them...they know what they're doing (even Stella...LOL, MAN...she used to tick me off with her brutal honesty!). We all think our situation is somehow unique and that we know best how to handle it. What I discovered is that, they can predict the actions of a WW much better from an unbiased perspective. All WW's are very much alike...including yours!

Believe it or not, mine IS a SUCCESS STORY! In less than 4 months, I have gone from hopelessly "abandoned" to being the happiest I have been in years! You have been granted freedom from the grips of a venomous spouse. You have the opportunity to take control of your own life for yourself. An opportunity neither of us would've ever dreamed of prior to our WW's A's. Take advantage of this opportunity.

Romans 8:28... "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God..." Believe it or not, God knows that you are much better off free from your WW. You will look back on this drama either months (like me) or years from now and be thankful that you are free from an unfaithful wife.

I know what you have been hoping and praying for...the same thing I was: "For your WW to come crawling to you in remorse and repentence and to BEG you to take her back. For her to admit what a fool she has been and to admit her mistakes FULLY and agree to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to save your M and regain your love." That is what we both deserved but what neither of our WW's seem capable of...ever.

You deserve better! Your children deserve better! Your happiness depends only on you. Are you really willing to take WW back after all of this? Ask yourself this, "Considering how much my children know about all of this...what kind of an example will I be setting for them if I go back again?" It sucks, but I had to ask myself the same thing. Once I did, all bets were off!

BTW, now that Plan B is over and D is just on the horizon (<90 days!), my WW calls or texts almost daily asking to come home. Sad thing is, there's still NO HINT of remorse on her part! They are just incapable of changing who they really are...

Sorry so long, just wanted to get it all out while I had the time.

God luck, and God Bless!

abandonedwith3,

I can't thank you enough for taking the time to read my saga and thanks to you OnlyU for encouraging it.

I too read your thread over the course of 2 afternoons having printed the whole thing out. I see a lot of similarities in our WW's and kinda like someone stricken with cancer, it's nice to hear from a survivor, which is the appeal and wisdom of this board.

My plan B will be complicated as I am financially supporting WW and kids completely from away from home. I am concerned that WW will try to cut off access to the kids in a plan B, so I need to ferret out my options on that score.

The saddest thing is that...they are that way because we ALLOW them to be that way! Control what YOU can control...yourself!

Too True.

I know what you have been hoping and praying for...the same thing I was: "For your WW to come crawling to you in remorse and repentence and to BEG you to take her back. For her to admit what a fool she has been and to admit her mistakes FULLY and agree to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to save your M and regain your love." That is what we both deserved but what neither of our WW's seem capable of...ever.

Yep, It's a fantasy though isn't it?

You deserve better! Your children deserve better! Your happiness depends only on you. Are you really willing to take WW back after all of this? Ask yourself this, "Considering how much my children know about all of this...what kind of an example will I be setting for them if I go back again?"

This hurts, but it's true.

I cannot thank you enough for chiming in. I am going to print some of these out and read again tonight.

WW is emailing me now, she needs money and needs more money to order more gas for the water heater. Of course it is in the form of a 1 sentence, curtly worded email.

My neck is stiff and my head hurts...

Just checked back in and got your response.

Didn't I read that you were considering moving your kids to where you are working? DO IT! WW may put up a false objection at first, but the reality is that right now they are an inconvenience to her current lifestyle. Be prepared that she will "trash" you and this decision to save face; but, I doubt she will really object.

Your priorities right now should be you and your children..not WW. I'm sure they know much more than you realize at their ages. Take this opportunity to teach them that the actions and decisions of their mother are wrong and immoral. Talk to them as you deem appropriate. You're lucky, I had to do it with a 10 & 12 year old. They deserve for someone in their family to be honest with them.

My biggest fear is that history will repeat itself in the lives of one of my children in their future married lives. We MUST teach them values and standards, even when they are contrary to what they have witnessed at home by our spouses.

Hang in there! YOU WILL SURVIVE! And...when it's all said and done, you'll be happier and even releaved!

Oh, and BTW, don't let her blame ANY of this on you. There are NO PERFECT husbands or wives. She can attempt to justify her actions based on your shortcomings; but, she made these decisions...not you! There are NO EXCUSES for infidelity!

One last thing...

Sounds like your WW is using the "money" issue as a means of goating you into talking (mine used the adoption).

Write your Plan B letter. Get a Mediator...QUICK! Then...go COMPLETELY dark, for you own sanity.

Instruct your M to inform WW that the money you put into the "allowance" account is all there is. She will have to learn to budget and cut back on her spending habits and partying. Don't be an enabler by dishing out money at every request without any real knowledge of where it's going.

Also, in my state, a spouse proven guilty of adultery CANNOT be awarded child support in a D. Not sure about your state, but it's worth checking into. You need to know your legal boundaries. In my case, with my WW being pregnant, of course proving adultery is pretty simple! You need to compile all of your evidence.

God Bless!

abandonedwith3 et al.

I'll post more tomorrow. Just found out from DS that for some reason my WW won't let the kids take their playstation home from my dad's house, preferring to take them over there to the empty house to play it.

Of course, school is back in and we don't want to have it in the house to compete with homework.

Or, WW has a convenient place to bang OM charlie, maybe in the bedroom where i grew up. Isn't that a happy thought, that maybe friday night that's where she went at 10PM for awhile and then back to friends for dinner at 10:30?

Yep, plan b.

SWW,
I haven't posted to you in a long time, but still following your thread. I so hoped your ww would come around, but she is so cut off from everyone, especially herself. I'm becoming more convinced that she has been through some kind of childhood trauma and she is desperately trying to escape it through partying, sex, and drugs. She isn't going to fix it that way of course, and she will have to, as they say, hit bottom before she asks for help.

Plan B is the right move, especially for your children's sake. This has to be wrecking their self-esteem - being abandoned constantly by their mother like that. By you stepping in, it's letting them know that her actions are not their fault.

I wish that you could have been the hero for your ww, but she may never give you that chance. Now, you will have to be the hero for your children and remove them from that toxic situation.

Prayers to you sww.

-MrsZ

MrsZonie et al.,

Had a long talk with a good friend of mine last night. He is one of my dads best friends, is about 67, and is a psychologist and was a divorce atty/family lawyer for 35 years.

He was also the victim of infidelity in his first marriage, worked it out, but suffered for 25 more years at the hands of his FWW. I witnessed this as a kid e.g. in a temper tantrum i saw her throw a frozen steak at his head, grabbed a knife from the drawer and came at him. He was in therapy trying to stay with her the whole time. I might point him to these boards as I think he would be a tremendous resource to some.

He called to check on me and said he saw WW at our country club eating dinner last week with DS. Said WW looked/acted like all was hunky dory, no rings, no worries, cheerful. He gave me this advice:

1. Keep doing what I am doing so that like him, I will always be able to look back and know that I did every thing possible to save my M and my WW.

2. Something has to happen to wake WW. He agreed on plan B after I told him my understanding of it.

3. Talk to a lawyer to get my options. He is going to call a few for me today. He says based on the situation that all I would have to do is depose "friends" as well as OM charlie and DD's guidance counselor to prove WW unfit and get sole custody.

4. Pray

5. Don't try to talk sense to WW now, even while I'm planning plan b.

6. Talk to the kids, they need to know, do it lovingly with compassion for them and WW.

7. When time is right, I will know. Don't do anything before. Have one last talk with WW before filing to give her the chance to wake up, establish boundaries etc. He said do this for ME, not her. Tell her I love her and want the wife back that I had for 18 years, but that the decision to R the marriage would be hers in that she would have to convince me that she was serious thru her actions, not words. He said to tape record this talk, not admissable as evidence, but to do it for me and possibly the kids one day. He said this is vital as I will need to replay it thru the years to remember that I did all I could and have a clear conscience.

He told me that in his professional opinion that WW is too addicted to her lifestyle and will not be able to leave it no matter how hard the kick in the head is, but it's worth one last try.

SWW

You have a very wise friend and he has given you some very valuable advise.

Your children do have to know what you are doing and why you are doing this just prior to launching your plan B.

Why just prior? So the children don't inadvertantly give your WW forewarning of what is about to occur. Forewarning will lessen the impact of the plan switch. We want to MAXIMIZE the effect.

I agree with your friend that your WW needs a real strong jolt for her to "wake up" and see what she is doing to her family.

WW's IB (Independent Behavior) is just ONE of many habits / behaviors that will need to be addressed before she will become a truly "contributing" member of your family.

IMHO WW's IB (which have no doubt been going on for many years) was the start of the decline of your M.

There is no need to launch plan B today, tomorrow, or next month. The timing of this is entirely up to you. The important thing is that you have thought this through and planned accordingly.


Stay Strong.

I agree with your friend that your WW needs a real strong jolt for her to "wake up" and see what she is doing to her family.

She is about to get one...if she will ever call DD's guidance counselor back. I think the blows though will bounce off the teflon wall of selfish justification though, but it's a start.


WW's IB (Independent Behavior) is just ONE of many habits / behaviors that will need to be addressed before she will become a truly "contributing" member of your family.

Yes, it was coincident with the beginning of hanging out with this group of new younger friends that is viewed more as a "cult" than a social group by most in my hometown. It was this that then spawned the A.

There is no need to launch plan B today, tomorrow, or next month. The timing of this is entirely up to you. The important thing is that you have thought this through and planned accordingly.

WTF, Does this mean I have to stay in plan A right up to when I launch plan B?

I need some time to really get my plan B together, but I really don't want to have much to do with WW in the meantime.

SWW


I would bet that she will call the guidance counselor back. It is a necessary "chore" to keep up the "Good Concerned Mother" facade. She will "hear" the councelors concerns but WILL spin this to be YOUR fault. Don't be blindsided by this; be prepared for it.



It was not the new group that spawned the A. Your WW was ALREADY vulneralbe when she joined.

This group did ENABLE / ENCOURAGE her IB & A choices. Expect this group to be her "loyal" supporters against YOU.

You have already identified this group as not friendly to your marriage. In your plan B letter you may want to include no contact with this group as a condition of reconsilliation.



I highly recommend it.

If you can't do a "shining" plan A then I would highly recommend that you carefully watch out for AO's (Angry Outbursts) and LB's (Love Busters) when you interact with her.

Before launching plan B you want WW to remember a good plan A. It makes the switch to plan B much more of a shock (wake up) and much more likely to get through to your WW.



Very understandable.

It may be interesting to note that if you stop calling as often that she might start calling more often (to try and keep tabs on what YOU are up to.).


Stay Strong!

[/quote]

Very understandable.

It may be interesting to note that if you stop calling as often that she might start calling more often (to try and keep tabs on what YOU are up to.).


Stay Strong!



[/quote]


Yeah, I quit calling since this weekend's phone call, she has not called me either except to email me she needed money.

I just forwarded her an email chain though. One of my professors from college just retired and all of our old friends are chiming in from all over the country at some of his funny quotes and giving each other heck.

WW also had him during one semester she did as an exchange student. These guys were all my friends and fraternity brothers and they were good friends with WW as well. While I know she will prob have her feelings hurt that she wasn't included on the email chain, I forwarded it to her anyway.

Oh wait, new news responsible for this edit. WW emailing me funny jokes and talking about old times in college and funny stories she remembers of some of the good times we had and some of the friends in the email chain I sent her. Maybe she is changing???


Oh wait, I forgot, tomorrow is payday...

It funny/pathetic how predictable it becomes.

How goes the job search?

Without going into detail my community has made waves in the news (Navy Times, CNN, Fox, etc). Due to a dumb mistake, an otherwise great guy's career will end abruptly.

-JKT

Hi JKT et al.


How goes the job search?

Not great but percolating. But chaplain told me "SWW, God works only to the good for those who believe in him. He took you out of that environment for a reason. God knows what is going to happen and he knows it would have been tough for you to remain loving, and sane with your WW acting out like this. When it is time he will provide for your return, or another door will open."

Without going into detail my community has made waves in the news (Navy Times, CNN, Fox, etc). Due to a dumb mistake, an otherwise great guy's career will end abruptly.

If the community is the one I think you are talking about, my 410X knows the guy very well and is devastated.

SWW, sounds as though your chaplain is a very wise man...since he quoted the same verse to you as I did! LOL

If you are like me, and most other men...we are "fixers." When we see something broken we want to decide how best to repair and and then do it...immediately! No thinking about it, no planning, just ACTION.

While neither you nor I were perfect spouses, it is very obvious to all that the bulk of the blame for our marital problems lies with our WW's. You know who's at fault and you know in your heart how to fix it. Unfortunately, you can't control WW's heart, mind, or actions. Therefore, we're left feeling helpless and baffled that they can't see and understand what we do. How could anyone with so many blessings in their life want to live the way they have chosen to? Right? Why won't they just "submit" and let us fix things? Sound familiar? Believe me, I understand!

While I do agree that there is some planning involved with Plan B (PBL, M, etc.), my advice is to expedite this "plan for a plan" and get things rolling. Trust me, just getting a M and delivering a PBL WILL NOT initiate Plan B for you.

These are just the first steps. You won't truly be in Plan B until you COMPLETELY avoid speaking to, emailing, texting, etc. Or...responding from any of these from WW. I failed miserably in this regard. There always seemed to be an exceptional reason in my mind to justify contact. Read up on the Plan here...then, follow it.

After just a short time (days?...weeks?...maybe months?) in a TRUE Plan B, you will begin to heal. You will realize how much better life seems free from the drama and venom. Trust me brother, you need to do this. I wish I would have done it the right way and saved myself many sleepless nights.

In reality, I did a WEAK Plan B but didn't feel closure until my WW"s announcement of a pregnancy by OM (who is long gone BTW). That was my final straw (and...God knew it!)...what will be yours? You have to ask yourself just how much you are willing to swallow and accept....and, if you do R, what if it happens again?

Plan B doesn't have to lead to Plan D, but it will give you the oportunity to realize that you CAN live without WW and decide if D is best for you and your children. Once you're more removed from the situation and can examine things free from petty issues and their over-exaggerated drama, you will then see more clearly what others are already telling you. You're not planning to give up yet, you're just giving yourself time to see if you can.

God Bless!