Sure she could. I know the guys name, where he lives, etc. Just was going to send an email to see if he would answer.

If he is like many OM he will be a total coward and avoid you, but you never know. Are you willing to accept whatever the outcome is?

IOW, if he ignores you will that be OK? If he tells you it's between you and your W will you be OK with that answer? Just some things to ask yourself before you decide.

Why not just ask your W to take a lie detector test? If she agrees than she has nothing to hide, if she refuses, well.....

LC

I'm a big proponent of confronting the OM in MOST cases. However, if you're going to do it ... DO IT LIKE A MAN ... not through some impersonal type of communication like "email".

Then why hasn't she?

If she says, "yes, he knew about the kids"...then obviously OM didn't/doesn't give 2 sh!ts about your kids.

If she says, "no, I didn't tell him about the kids"...then your WW felt that she would have more to lose by telling him then just an EA "friend", and you're suspiscions of a PA are probably warranted. Why wouldn't she tell a guy she only had EA intentions with about her kids?

You need to get this question answered...ask your WW first.

DH contacted OM. Borrowed his cell phone to call me and see what I would say to OM. OM was more honest with BH than I had been up to that point and it forced me to be completly O&H. Dh told me that I needed to tell him everything because keeping even one small seret was like continuing to have something with OM that I didn't share with him. But be prepared if you do contact him. It will go one of the 2 ways everyone else has already stated. OM told my H to "either get counseling or divore the *itch." DH still struggles with the fact the OM wasn't a man at all but a coward.

Also, DH says he wanted to confront OM because he really wanted to be angry with him. But he's just not. He's angry with me. OM didn't owe him anything, I did. But DH is a firm believer in manly confrontation.

I am not angry with him just her. Really not angry anymore just hurt.

I'm right there with ya HD. I was never angry at OW, can't even hate her. I had no vows with her. She is nothing to me just a sad, immoral opportunist.

Take the time to think this through properly. I agree that an e-mail is not the way to go. If you are a controlled individual (I am) and you seem to be, I would arrange a face to face discussion. You can usually tell more from a person's eyes than anything else. I had no choice because all we had was a cell phone # for OW. She must have been a serial cheater because she revealed little about herself to DH. They "got together" after work. Neither of them even knew where the other lived.

Be sure of what you want to say and how you want to say it. It should be a one shot deal.

God's Blessings,

Say

I am the BS that did contact the OW more than once. I felt that I needed to talk to her express my anger about the A and how low I thought of her and what she has done in regarding the innocent victims (COM) involved.

That was for me.

I contacted her again via email to make sure I get everything off of my chest that I did not get via the telephone cc husband also sending a picture of my family to make us real to her.


That was for me again and my children...H was pissed but so what.


I then contacted her again after some time passed partially to vent but also to give her some additional insight that I learned about H that I was pretty sure that he did not share with her...Most times the betrayer has secrets on both sides. I felt needed to expose him fully. So I did...lets say she was not happy and I am pretty sure she wants nothing to do with him anymore...at least I hope.


But if you do contact be prepared to hear some thing you do not want to hear.. they will try to manipulate the situation to create more doubt about the situation , come off as if they did nothing wrong and will take small jabs at you if they can...

I personally think it is necessary to do to give yourself some closure and to expose the total situation wide open...it also send the message that their A is no longer a secret and I know how to get to the both of you via phone email etc...and it will be harder for them to go about life as usual..

I encourage but you need to be prepard...if you are not you will the encounter may just make you more angry and hurt...

Be prepared.

I am prepared. The more I think about it. I really want to know if it became physical. FWW swears it never happened. Could be the protector liar kicking in though. I sincerely hope not.

She's going to protect him at all costs and lie lie lie.


You need to get a digital voice activated recorder and record his and your conversation and then her's and your's.

ABSOLUTELY DO NOT let her know that you will be contacting him as they WILL communicate and get their stories straight.

Does he have a wife? She will be your greatest ally.

The line, Gee that's not what he told me, would you like to hear it, while holding the recorder is a great trump card to WW's lies.

When she says he lying, you can always ust the pot, kettle analogy.

Are you afraid of the truth?

You talk a good game.

Put her on a polygraph if you really want to know. Otherwise you are just making excuses.

Absolutely not afraid of the truth. I feel the truth is necessary to move forward and heal. You are kind of rude are'nt you.

No, I'm kinda reality.

Why not a polygraph?

Why would you trust OM to tell you the truth?

I am into reality also. Polygraph is a possibility. Since W quit her job money is a little tight right now.

Is $400.00 worth your peace of mind?

Sell a piece of her jewlery on e-bay.

I know it's the hardest thing you'll ever have to do and you're terrified of the answer.

But trust me, it's better to know.

I know where you're at right now only 1 month from d-day. My head was up there too!

I'm only trying to help you.

How's this? Tell her you've scheduled a poly. Check out her reaction.

hurtdad,

She may dismiss a kiss as "not physical" yet it is. Even something like that is worth knowing.

You have right to know the truth and approaching him the right way may make him open up to you if he has any sense of decency.

Like I mentioned before, the multiple other men I contacted came clean with me and revealed that they were lied to. All had the same story, so the WW's claims that they were all liars didn't really hold up.

The one guy that go physical was very nervous about telling me the truth, but I assured him that I simply wanted to know what happened and wasn't going to hurt him in any way.

He spilled the beans and gave me the full details.

So approach him in a non-hostile way to get him to talk.

There is a LOT of rude in this support group, don't call it a forum . . .

There is a reason for that. It is called reality. In other words, when you see someone in a "Fog," often rudeness is one of the best ways of getting that someone to THINK. The rudeness hits a nerve. The natural reaction is to lash out in retaliation, but the truth is that the rudeness often sticks in the mind and a truth begins to glow in the dark.

One of the major problem which all of us betrayed spouses have, especially the males, is a version of OUR reality instead of how things really are in life. After all, how could someone do THAT to us, namely put horns on our head, or walk around with the visiion that they screwed our wife. We run and hide from what really happened or at least the REASON for what happened, our male pride leading the way.

For whatever it is worth, I do believe you are twisting some of Harley's treachings on the end of your pride and you need to listen up to those who do NOT have as much CURRENT emotion on the line, to better understand where Harley is coming from, especially Mel, who has been to Harley's retreats and met with him personally. Without question, Harley is the man with the plan, the best at what he does, which is lead people from adultery to goodness and family and recovery.

The idea of a support group is so that those with common backgrounds can help someone else discover what is really going on and how to really cope instead of slipping and sliding down a path that leads nowhere. In other words, the rudeness is a by product of you trying to reinvent the wheel.

All the best.

Larry

How am I twisting the teachings?

Rudeness, though, can also be a stumbling block for people, a reason to immediately tune out the message that follows. That's why in the military "tact" is considered one of the basic leadership traits.

Different people respond different ways.