Well, I opened Drac's email and read the entire message. His 'nice' offer to let me have the kids for the holiday weekend seems to be more of a convenience for him. Turns out he as a wedding to go to next Sat. and he's "sure the kids would not be too excitged to go to that."

...I have news for him - it's his holiday weekend and I have other plans. He needs to take the kids with him to the wedding. There's no reason not to.

Oy,,,I wish I could shake the feeling of 'needing' to do something. I really just want to ask him WHY did you call me that night and tell me all that stuff? WHAT is it that you want??? Instead, I'm going outside to exhaust myself with work, then it's a jump in the pool and perhaps a nice nap!!

I have news for him - it's his holiday weekend and I have other plans. He needs to take the kids with him to the wedding. There's no reason not to.

I'm supposed to let him know if I want them for a 'family lake trip'.

I wish I could shake the feeling of 'needing' to do something. I really just want to ask him WHY did you call me that night and tell me all that stuff? WHAT is it that you want???

Instead, I'm going outside to exhaust myself with work, then it's a jump in the pool and perhaps a nice nap!!

!)...because if he really doesn't want to take them....he WON'T! ...but that still should not be your problem.... he needs to find other 'solutions' and learn to make other arrangements (and learn NOT to count on Bugs all the time)...you just need to be OK with this possibility..

NOTHING IS KEEPING HIM FROM DOING WHAT HE NEEDS TO SAY AND TO DO!! Well, nothing but HE IS NOT CHOOSING TO DO WHAT HE NEEDS TO DO!!

How can YOU assume that he is "FEARFUL" unless he has told you?

Steve was specific that it would take some coaxing and work on my part to get Drac to engage.

I think he's not yet even wrapped his mind around the fact that I would be open to reconciliation with him.

The silences reminds me of her Plan A.


Fox

What you are feeling are normal emotional responses. You should feel upset - things in your life are a mess because you messed them up. Medication will not solve the problems you created, and I think it is ridiculous that doctors think that we should not feel the emotional results of normal everyday life.

Rant over.

************


I talk about your feelings regarding the OW being a fantasy for a reason. Consider something called the "mere exposure effect". This is the idea that people who work around each other, or people who spend a great deal of time together, and find one another mutually friendly and reasonably attractive to begin with are much more likely to become more and more sexually attracted to one another with an increase in time spent together. For example, you work with a woman who is friendly and nice-looking. Not necessarily someone you would ordinarily seek out as a date or sexual partner. But because you spend lots of time together on a project, you get closer and closer to each other. She starts looking pretty good to you, and vice-versa. The attraction grows because of the mere exposure to one another.

This mere exposure effect goes a long way toward explaining many office romances and many affairs in the workplace, especially those where the two people are completely mismatched otherwise.

The fantasy - yes. Your OW? Let's talk about her. Next post.

Not,

Okay, let's talk about the idea of fantasy and the OW.

Let's say you really did love the OW.

Fine.

So, that means you automatically "unlove" your wife?

I don't buy that.

Here's what I think happened.


You betrayed YOURSELF first.

I cannot state exactly WHEN or WHERE you betrayed yourself. But you did. It happens in EVERY DECISION TO HAVE AN AFFAIR. From that point of self-betrayal, from that exact point on, you began to betray your wife.

At some point, you had the thought of working your way closer to the OW. It crossed your mind, and you pushed that thought back as WRONG. You began to do things to keep yourself from thinking about her, and you knew that you were venturing into dangerous territory.

Right?

Had you stopped yourself at this point, and focused on the marriage, you would not have betrayed yourself.

But you made a choice to go ahead and move closer to the OW instead, to explore her as a possible love candidate, despite the fact that you had a wife.

AT THIS POINT, YOU BETRAYED THE DEEP, INNER VOICE INSIDE OF YOU THAT TOLD YOU THAT THIS BEHAVIOR WAS WRONG.

You self-betrayed.

Once you self-betrayed, you started thinking differently. You looked at your wife differently, and the OW differently. The OW became "better". She HAD to. Because the act of self-betrayal had to be

JUSTIFIED.

You had to justify your actions, do you see that?


You had to have some way in your mind, in your conscious, to justify what you were about to do.

You were about to cheat on your wife, to betray her. And you knew that.

The ONLY justification for that would be:

IF YOUR WIFE DESERVED IT, and you could BLAME HER FOR IT.


So mentally, the changes that occur are this: your wife's small faults become larger; your wife's sarcastic tones begin bothering you greatly; you begin to rewrite your marital history so that it works in favor of justifying what you are about to do; and any other perceived problems in the marriage become vastly magnified.



I will say that again, because you have to really live with this.

THE ONLY WAY FOR YOU TO LIVE WITH YOUR ACT OF SELF-BETRAYAL WAS IF YOU COULD BLAME YOUR WIFE FOR IT.

Now, tell me that you had NO conversations wtih your OW regarding how your wife was difficult to talk to, didn't meet your needs, etc.

You did.

Because it justified what you were doing. Blamed HER.


I'm not hitting you with a 2X4. I'm telling you how it works, really happens.

That self-betrayal initiated the blame-game. It allowed you to foist the blame elsewhere and at the same time pushed into place a second event............

The coronation of the OW.

Because this HAD to happen. The OW was the key partner in the game. She HAD to be better than your wife - do you see that?

Because if you were to commit this act of self-betrayal, and go against everything you knew to be right and good

then it had better be for something right and good.

You did it for the OW.

So you absolutely, positively, COULD NEVER ADMIT THAT THE OW WAS ANYTHING OTHER THAN RIGHT OR GOOD.


Could you?


Next post, let's talk about that.........is the OW "right and good"?????

Is the OW "right and good"? Is she that perfect fantasy that you nuked your marriage for?

Nope.

Here's why.


That OW is someone who came into your life and made sure that she attracted you. You saw her as a love candidate, and you were married. She KNEW you were married.

I wonder - would you want a wife who has no regard for marital vows? Your OW has none. She lacked regard for YOURS. She did not care that you were married.

If you ended up with her, married her, she would bring that attitude into that marriage. Something to consider. Not "good".

Your OW, did she consider your children, and the impact her presence in your marriage might have on them? IMHO, any person who intrudes on a marriage that has children involved, has no moral standing. She was willing to put herself and her own selfish desires above YOUR CHILDREN and their needs, Not. ABOVE THEM. You should never choose anyone who would put themselves above your children - that alone tells you a great deal about her character. Neither "right" nor "good".

How often did your OW say negative things about your BW? About how much better a woman she is than your BW? She said those things in order to drive your wife out of your life, to help you push your wife away - make you hate your wife in your mind - drive a wedge into your marriage, in her selfish desire to "have" you, not to "love" you. There is a difference, you know. Not "right", and no, not "good".



And that fantasy...............

OW was always able to get herself ready for you, had time to shower and dress up. Your wife? She woke up in the real world with you, sometimes in work clothes, sometimes from painting the garage, sometimes from digging in the garden...

OW was always able to put on the candles before you got there, and clean the house. Your wife? She was doing great to have your dinner ready between getting the kids to dance class and catching the dog that got out the gate yet again, and oh, since you forgot to pick up milk on your way home she ran and got it, and "somebody" broke the toilet paper holder again so she fixed that...

OW gave you hand-made love cards every time you met for secret sex rendevous. Your wife?

She made love to you that first time you two were together - remember where and when that was? How you felt then? Make your mind go there - it's reality and THAT IS LOVE.

She bought that sexy outfit once that didn't stay on long and ohhhh she looked great - remember that? And you two made love...that's reality and THAT IS LOVE.

She wrote you love notes once and twice and three times, and more, and you read them and remember them, and probably have them stashed somewhere. She has given you gifts over the years for birthdays and Christmases and "just because", and you kept some and laughed at some and don't even know what happened to others. She lost your socks and stayed up with you when you were sick.

She raised your children.

She probably wrecked one of your cars.

Or you wrecked hers!

She shared more than one laugh with you, and a thousand tears.

And she has stood next to you in the best of times, and is standing right there now, in the very worst of them.

Your OW........gone. Because she was a fantasy, and for all the reasons you can see and more............

Your wife is reality.

Your wife is love.


You make a choice every day about love. You accept it or reject it. You give it or take it.

If there is one thing I have figured out about love, is that it is found where you GIVE it.

Odd little fact.