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Thanks for the response girly7329 ..I will have to give it some thought but I know it will not change my mind about NC. ..

but it did give me somethings to think about when the day comes when it is time explain this to my COM and address OC when she comes looking because we know it is coming.

Do not get me wrong they will still get the truth but I do realize how you package it matters...


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 Originally Posted By: girly7329
Hi you guys,
Just to add, When my biological father saw my twin brother and I, he wept...and kept apologizing for not being around..This pain ate up at this man... all these years... from what my mom said, he was a well-to-do man, but he looked bad..


I totally believe this is true and for many men. This is a situation that has consequences that keep giving for a lifetime. I am sorry for your dad. I do believe that no one wants little children to grow up without a mom and a dad. The guilt and anxiety over the situation can eat people alive.

I am so glad you and your brother were able to reunite with your dad.

HurtMom.......sorry for all the threadjacking. I think there is value to seeing the discussion though. I know you are so new to the hurt and devastation. Just take one day at a time. Don't expect anything major, just make it through.

Meltdowns should be expected for quite awhile. Even when you feel like you have been doing better. Triggers will bring you back to D-day and the pain faster that a speeding bullet......for a long time. Try to avoid things that will trigger you to that point.

I am glad you are looking for a counselor. I truly believe that my marriage would not have survived without our counselor. He has been wonderful and was strong enough to take on my H. He could see his BS a mile away. I was too devastated to speak for myself in any coherent way, at first, and the counselor helped me express what I needed.

I know your H is strong willed and is used to getting his own way. Make sure the therapist you select can handle that, or it will be a waste of time and money. If you don't like the first one, try another. But it is essential to have a third party help you sort through all of this and what brought the marriage to this crisis in the first place.

I am sorry to hear of your additional health issues. I remember you said you had lupus. Take extra care with yourself. This stress can take you downhill pretty fast. I was undergoing cancer surgery and radiation when I was dealing with D-day and the whole mess. It was especially draining.

Be good to yourself. Try to do something for yourself everyday. I found that difficult because I hurt so badly, but it does help redirect your mind for even a small portion of the day.


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girly, I don't know what kind of OW your mom was but in my situation (as in many) the OW has done everything under the sun she could think of to destroy my marriage. We have 2 COM, one with disabilities, yet she thinks HER child should have what my children have which is a full time dad. But, she does not want the OC around me. Sorry it can't work that way. My H has been torn in two over this for over 3 years now. He never wanted another child. She got pregnant on purpose to "seal the deal" so to speak. Instead what she got was crumbs from a man torn over responsibility to "two families". Pretty messed up and who suffers? Me, my COM and the OC. I was all for contact from the very beginning but my H and the OW took that option away from me. H because he was weak and gave in to every demand OW made to keep the peace. OW because it was her goal to take my children's father away.

I am sorry you missed out on your bio dad and siblings but it sounds like you had a good step father. I hope and pray that some day OW gives up the fantasy of who she thinks my H is and finds a real father for the OC.

edited to add OW took my children's grandmother, aunt/uncle and cousins away as well. She latched herself on to them and they allowed her into their home DURING the affair. Introducing my innocent niece and nephews to their uncles affair partner was too reprehensible to me and the reason I cut them nearly completely out of our lives. THAT has hurt my DD more than you can know. Her cousin is the same age. They were close. OW DD from her previous M has filled that role now. OC has taken my beautiful son's place in that family. Again, how messed up can people be?

Last edited by faithful follower; 08/26/08 09:18 AM.

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shocked1,
Thanks for your post. I agree it did feel good to have let it out! I only pounded on his chest, he too is a big guy (6'1"-225lbs) I didn't hit him in the face, if I did I think he might hit me back. He is a black belt in tae kwon doe, and I have seen him fight. I've been to his matches, but a couple of years ago, were out and this drunk guy wouldn't leave me alone....when he grabbed my boob, that was the last straw, H threw him across the room and that guy outweighed H by at least 50 pounds.

If I ever hit him and drew blood, I might be the one being thrown across the room. When we have fought in the past (verbally) he can be qiute provoking to the point that I have almost lost control. I do believe he has an anger problem in addition to evrthing else that is going on. I'm hoping the counseling will help with that also.

As if things couldn't get any worse. I have a knee injury and went to the Dr. today. In addition to torn ligaments, I also have a fracture in my tibia bone on the same leg. I have to see a specialist to find out if I need a cast, or if they are going to do the surgery first and then the cast.

On the drive to the Dr's I did tear up a few times, but was able to pull myself out of it. I had them do a vaginal exam for a pap and to test for any STD's and HIV. Who knows where this OW has been and with who?

I am amazed that I am even functioning. What gets me the most is that I wanted another baby, and H said no way. I had my tubes tied in 2006...........and now this. My house is a disaster, I need to get my butt in gear and start cleaning tomorrow. At least I will be busy and hopefully get my mind off this for a bit.


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Quote:
On the drive to the Dr's I did tear up a few times, but was able to pull myself out of it. I had them do a vaginal exam for a pap and to test for any STD's and HIV. Who knows where this OW has been and with who
End quote

That is to be expected I just had my cry this morning about an 1 hr ago. I cry everyday and probably will for awhile but it helps that I have this site to come to and my kids to distract me to keep me going.

I am also glad that you got tested...I recently had a baby and a follow up exam when this news hit so I knew I was okay but I did not let H know about it. I told him that he needed to go get tested..he hesitated but my reasoning was sound and he could not get out of it. I felt that this was part of exposing him and holding him accountable for his actions. He had to contact his doctor and ask to be checked for STDS and Aids and had to show me the results . It was very embarrassing for him to do this but I knew I was not going to my doctors office to do this . He has humiliated me enough and felt that this needed to stay in his world so he can deal with the uncomfortableness around the people he deals with . Furthermore when I exposed him ( his parents,my parents,the counselor etc....)I also told him about him getting tested...which he did not appreciate but oh well.

Fortunately the tests were all negative which was an additional relief for me and him but I also think that he learned a valuable lesson here. He never once thought about his A could affect so many aspects of his life. He not only betrayed me and our children but he also unknowingly betrayed himself.


Your quote:
What gets me the most is that I wanted another baby, and H said no way. I had my tubes tied in 2006...........and now this.
End quote

I know exactly how you feel! I wanted a third ( to try for a girl) but my H could have stopped at one. Well we compromised on two knowing that the responsibility would be his if he did not want a 3rd. I told him that I was not going to back on birth control and highly suggested that he have a vasectomy. We agreed to that... but this was agreed upon before I knew about the A and the OC which happens to be a girl and is 2mths older than my youngest. Which just hurts me to my core. During the A I was at home trying to get pregnant again and the OW was intentionally trying to get pregnant as well. Go figure. After my son was born my H had his vasectomy. Does this help me feel any better. Yes and no...at least I know that no more OC's will be coming into my life but I also feel if he does this again that he feels he will not get caught this way again. Not a very comfortable place to be. In addition to this I just feel very cheated out of my life choices. If I would have known this was going on I would have made different decisions. I may or may not agreed on the vasectomy, I may or may of h ad my son, I may or may not have left my H ...all choices I had that were taken away from due to his selfishness. I made decisons for myself , my life, my COM, my H ,our relationship based on false impressions and secrets and I was robbed of my freedom to choose and I hate him for that and that is why I feel he has no choice in deciding what I want for my family and how this OC will be dealt with if I allow him to stay around. On this subject he lost his ability to negotiate and that why my decison is final . There will be NO CONTACT WITH OW OR OC.

Do what is best for you and your COM...your H gave up his ability to get what he wants on this matter when he decided not include you in his decision to have an A and give you an opportunity to consider your options as a wife and a mother.

Bottom line is they robbed us of our choices and that is what should bother us the most.


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 Quote:
I felt that this was part of exposing him and holding him accountable for his actions.


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Oh Shocked...Honey I FEEL your pain! I did not realize how recently this has happened to you also. It is so awful! I'm sorry you weren't able to have your baby girl, he did rob you of that. And the OC being a girl, it must be killing you!

I wish I had made him get a vasectomy instead of me having my tubes tied. At least I wouldn't be in this dilema. Maybe on an infidelity board, but not this!

My H OC is a girl also. I am very glad it is not a boy. My youngest is a boy, and is extremely close with H. I think if OC was a boy, he would be very jealous. He may still be jealous whan and if we decide on C.


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Yeah it hurts a lot but I am trying to think positive about it...kids cost a lot and having a 3rd would really change our lifestyle in a lot of ways...

but get this he says if I want a girl that bad he would encourage me to adopt...that comment coming from his mouth just floors me...I think it is very selfish...you abandon one to go and get another one...does anyone else see anything wrong about this rationale?

Plus to put into perspective I told him I do not want to adopt I want my own and maybe I should have an A so that I can get pregnant one last time to try to get my girl and then you help me raise her? Well lets say he did not like that and I just laughed at him , the stupid f---! I really just do not have any respect for him right now!

Besides at this juncture in this crisis I would not even consider bringing another child of his in this world. I will not waste any more of my precious gifts on him and on top of that I will not adopt a girl either because why would I want to bring another child into this crap. I have enought to deal with trying to keep by COM protected and loved.


Last edited by shocked1; 08/27/08 03:58 PM.

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 Quote:
Plus to put in perspective I told him I do not want to adopt I want my own and maybe I should have an A so that I can get pregnant one last time to try to get my girl and then you help me raise her? Well lets say he did not like that and I just laughed at him , the stupid f---! I really just do not have any respect for him right now!


wow.

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wow is right!


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Hi Shocked, Wow! I can't believe he would suggest adoption, that is definitely a decision that a married couple with a strong marriage should make together.

I don't know how old you are, but if you are ever able to get to a point in your marriage where you would consider bringing another child into it, there are lots of things that can be done.

Have best friend who went through IVF (twins) and then a frozen embryo transfer (baby girl) They could actually perform surgery on H and retrieve live sperm (even after a vasectomy) and you could either be inseminated, or do IVF. A vasectomy reversal is also possible. Where I live there is one of the best infertility practices in the country. They can even "Test" the embryo's for the sex of the baby, and only implant male/female embryos. Very expensive of course. I know this is a little off subject, but just wanted to share the info with you if you will ever be in a place to want another child.


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Good info I will keep it in the back of my mind for future reference for a friend or something...thanks for sharing.

I am pretty sure we will not be having more children. Who are you kidding...he has to be allowed to touch me first and that is so far off who knows when that will be. (LOL-sarcasticly sp?) I find him repulsive right now and do not want him anywhere near me. He currently sleeps in the basement my request so I can have my space and has been there since I let him back in the house in June.

Anyway..H is not happy about having the 3rd and having it in the manner in which the OC is here and due to what he has done he does not deserve another child from me ever. He is not a good enough man, husband or father. I truly think it is cruel to have children live with these circumstances and I hate him for doing this to my boys! Especially the little guy that his actually 2 mths younger than the OC. H just put a dark cloud over my sons pregnancy, birth and robbed him of his special time and some of his events. He is only 11 mths and so precious!

So I guess I will have some more resentment to work thru in regards to this on top of the A, OW and OC. Does the drama ever end?


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 Originally Posted By: girly7329
Hi you guys,

Thank you for your replies.. No I am not offended by any comments and again I never meant to offend anyone, however, I did want to give you another perspective...there is absolutely nothing anyone says on the site that is permanent TRUTH... their only opinions backed by the facts of life each one of us has experience.

I guess I am writing you because I often wonder how it feels to be the OC in this situation. Just like how it feels to be the COM that will one day know of the OC and about their Father and the A. I think I wonder so that I can get an idea of what to expect when the next d-day comes ( OC looking for H).

Kids are resilient. They are born with an instict to naturally love, but they are taught how to hate. The truth is my biologically father had 3 older kids before he decided to have an affair with my mom. However, he let his wife and kids know that he had twins on the way, therefore, we were able to spend some time with them as children. After my mom remarried, to break ties with the biological father- I guess he decided he didn't want want to deal with us if he wasn't going to deal with her.. Fast forward 20 something years later, I decided to see my biological father (mind you he only stayed 15 minutes away from the neighborhood I grew up in, I didn't know this), His other kids were ecstatic to see my twin brother and I- I believe this is possible because they were taught to love us in the beginning and they always knew about us. Now on the flip side, I honestly believe, that if they had learned about us in their teenage years, they would have a reason to be bitter with the biological father and us...

Again, I state that kids are some reflection of their parents...if they see mommy or daddy disliking someone or something- they will follow suite and dislike them or that thing too, but if they see mommy or daddy loving someone or something, they will love it too.

Just to add, When my biological father saw my twin brother and I, he wept...and kept apologizing for not being around..This pain ate up at this man... all these years... from what my mom said, he was a well-to-do man, but he looked bad..




HEY ALL,

I realise you may not like me, thats fine. The great thing about life is being able to open yourself up to understanding all sides of the story.

I am the Other Woman. I believe men do not need to be absolved of their responsibility. In their selfishness, they too can affect the lives of all parties concerned.

Girly, a year or so back i was in your mothers shoes. Infact, i have twins now, from this married man. a boy and girl, just like you and your brother.

It rips everyone apart. I was naive and stupid to have fallen for his lies and promises. But now i think what a horrible manipulative person he is.

I geuss the married woman's position is enviable in that she is the one with all the power - she earned it. but i dont ever know i could cope if the roles were reversed. he has played the both of us.

It is a bad position. what do i tell my 2 month old babies? their father sent us financial support, still does. but when i get on my feet financially, i never want to see him again. his wife may not know, i dont intend to bust in on their world. we will carry on as if me and the married man never met. well he hasnt been to see them, naturally a mother would want this, but if he wont, he must just get out of my life for good.

I know they talk of how we trap men by falling pregnant. i barely spent a month with this man wwhen this happened. when i asked him to use a condom he refused, sahying that his thing "went limp". i have known him for like 6 years, and he wore me down by constantly chasing me. i regret sayuing yes.

an alternative would have been an abortion, but i know i would have killed myself after it anyways. whichever way, i was gonna pay thru my nose for ths incident, while he enjoyed his life?!

men are cursed for such things.

i dont want to harm his family. infact, i want them to go on peacefully, i have never revealed myself and now intend to completely cut off. i pray the confinue as a family. i will not intrude. i dont think i deserve a cheat.

girly, its not yuour fault. sorry on behalf of your mum, that this had to happen. i dont want yhou growing up with rejection. i am sorry my child. you are beautiful and will be successful ok? better than this my child, would have been to take your life. please be strong.

sorry.

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 Originally Posted By: theOW
 Originally Posted By: girly7329
Hi you guys,

Thank you for your replies.. No I am not offended by any comments and again I never meant to offend anyone, however, I did want to give you another perspective...there is absolutely nothing anyone says on the site that is permanent TRUTH... their only opinions backed by the facts of life each one of us has experience.

I guess I am writing you because I often wonder how it feels to be the OC in this situation. Just like how it feels to be the COM that will one day know of the OC and about their Father and the A. I think I wonder so that I can get an idea of what to expect when the next d-day comes ( OC looking for H).

Kids are resilient. They are born with an instict to naturally love, but they are taught how to hate. The truth is my biologically father had 3 older kids before he decided to have an affair with my mom. However, he let his wife and kids know that he had twins on the way, therefore, we were able to spend some time with them as children. After my mom remarried, to break ties with the biological father- I guess he decided he didn't want want to deal with us if he wasn't going to deal with her.. Fast forward 20 something years later, I decided to see my biological father (mind you he only stayed 15 minutes away from the neighborhood I grew up in, I didn't know this), His other kids were ecstatic to see my twin brother and I- I believe this is possible because they were taught to love us in the beginning and they always knew about us. Now on the flip side, I honestly believe, that if they had learned about us in their teenage years, they would have a reason to be bitter with the biological father and us...

Again, I state that kids are some reflection of their parents...if they see mommy or daddy disliking someone or something- they will follow suite and dislike them or that thing too, but if they see mommy or daddy loving someone or something, they will love it too.

Just to add, When my biological father saw my twin brother and I, he wept...and kept apologizing for not being around..This pain ate up at this man... all these years... from what my mom said, he was a well-to-do man, but he looked bad..




HEY ALL,

I realise you may not like me, thats fine. The great thing about life is being able to open yourself up to understanding all sides of the story.

I am the Other Woman. I believe men do not need to be absolved of their responsibility. In their selfishness, they too can affect the lives of all parties concerned.

Girly, a year or so back i was in your mothers shoes. Infact, i have twins now, from this married man. a boy and girl, just like you and your brother.

It rips everyone apart. I was naive and stupid to have fallen for his lies and promises. But now i think what a horrible manipulative person he is.

I geuss the married woman's position is enviable in that she is the one with all the power - she earned it. but i dont ever know i could cope if the roles were reversed. he has played the both of us.

It is a bad position. what do i tell my 2 month old babies? their father sent us financial support, still does. but when i get on my feet financially, i never want to see him again. his wife may not know, i dont intend to bust in on their world. we will carry on as if me and the married man never met. well he hasnt been to see them, naturally a mother would want this, but if he wont, he must just get out of my life for good.

I know they talk of how we trap men by falling pregnant. i barely spent a month with this man wwhen this happened. when i asked him to use a condom he refused, sahying that his thing "went limp". i have known him for like 6 years, and he wore me down by constantly chasing me. i regret sayuing yes.

an alternative would have been an abortion, but i know i would have killed myself after it anyways. whichever way, i was gonna pay thru my nose for ths incident, while he enjoyed his life?!

men are cursed for such things.

i dont want to harm his family. infact, i want them to go on peacefully, i have never revealed myself and now intend to completely cut off. i pray the confinue as a family. i will not intrude. i dont think i deserve a cheat.

girly, its not yuour fault. sorry on behalf of your mum, that this had to happen. i dont want yhou growing up with rejection. i am sorry my child. you are beautiful and will be successful ok? better than this my child, would have been to take your life. please be strong.

sorry.


Just for the record.


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IF your story is true...and you are NOT just another troll (or an old one repackaged, yet again), I would suggest that YOU knew what you were doing and therefore have no one to blame for your plight except yourself.

 Quote:
i dont think i deserve a cheat.


No, what you deserve is to have your children taken from you and raised by a family with morals. If you raise them they are likely to become cheaters...just like their good old mom.

 Quote:
i dont want to harm his family.


you did that when you spread your chubby legs.


 Quote:
i have known him for like 6 years, and he wore me down by constantly chasing me. i regret sayuing yes.


In six years you didn't take the steps to end this inappropriate flirtation. Wow, that says a lot about you.

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 Originally Posted By: medc
IF your story is true...and you are NOT just another troll (or an old one repackaged, yet again), I would suggest that YOU knew what you were doing and therefore have no one to blame for your plight except yourself.

 Quote:
i dont think i deserve a cheat.


No, what you deserve is to have your children taken from you and raised by a family with morals. If you raise them they are likely to become cheaters...just like their good old mom.

 Quote:
i dont want to harm his family.


you did that when you spread your chubby legs.


 Quote:
i have known him for like 6 years, and he wore me down by constantly chasing me. i regret sayuing yes.


In six years you didn't take the steps to end this inappropriate flirtation. Wow, that says a lot about you.






I concur.

I also see how not much is your fault (in your eyes)...he did this, he did that...blah, blah, blah.

You own your part in it, then feel free to post...but until you do, please post your platitudes somewhere else....

GloryB----->


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I can’t say I don’t like YOU...I don’t know you. But I can see a bit of your state of mind from what you’ve written, and I can say, I DON’T like THAT.

And if you honestly believe, that understanding ALL SIDES of the story is the great thing about life, where is your understanding about the MM in your situation? Did you /do you understand that, as a MM “chasing after” you, he is CLEARLY a problem-filled individual that’s having issues in his marriage that needed to be dealt with AT HOME and not out cheating with YOU on his wife? Did you/do you understand his actions, with regard to taking up with you, were wrong & he is REQUIRED to end his relationship with you-FOR GOOD-and needs to begin fixing what’s wrong in his M, and that just may require him to not include you & your children, at this juncture, if he’s going to be successful in trying to regain his wife’s trust, love & support again? Do you understand that, at this young age, your children have not a CLUE who “Daddy” is, won’t even realize he’s not in their young lives yet (unless you, later, drill this fact into their resilient little heads), and that the BEST thing you could do for THEM is, to lose the bitterness, take responsibility for YOUR part in this mess, love on those babies and HOPE their father can correct what he’s done to his marriage so he can POSSIBLY gain his wife’s support back so she is able to, possibly, accept your children and, TOGETHER, they can provide a stable, intact household for them to visit in and have a relationship with their father and HIS family? If you are cooperative & supportive of him WITH THIS REGARD, and not hung up on drilling into his head how he wronged you & them, THIS would be the BEST thing you could do for YOUR children by giving them the best possible chance to helping pave the way in being integrated into their father’s life. The sooner you realize, you were NEVER supposed to be part of his “family” picture and get past THAT fantasy, the better chance your kids may have their father in their lives. It IS “all about them”...right? It might be at a later date...a few years down the road, but that’s part of the consequences of choosing to have children under THESE circumstances.

I don’t know if you were “naïve & stupid”, unless you’re a young child because most all adults KNOW married people are off limits to having a sexual relationship with. Maybe...fantasy-filled? To say you were “naïve & stupid” puts the total blame ON HIM, and that’s just not right. You had your own mind also. YOU COULD HAVE SAID “NO”. You could have stood by your values (doesn’t seem you had them). Heck. You could have even threatened to turn him in to his WIFE. But you didn’t. You hold some responsibility in this too. 50% exactly.

I’m not sure what kind of “power” you’re speaking of with regard to your statement about “married women”, except to be saying, his wife has the power to kill your fantasy idea of a “happy little family” with her husband. As you can see, her “power” wasn’t as effective as you THINK it was. YOU ended up with “the power” to sleep with her husband & THE CHOICE to have his twins. Just how powerful do you think SHE feels now? All I read into this statement is, you, once again, setting up, in your mind, for someone else to blame (his wife) if your fantasy family doesn’t evolve like you’d want. No one else is to blame for your circumstances here, but YOU. You had “the power” to say “No” to a married man; you had “the power” to choose what sort of birth legacy you brought children into; you had “the power” of choice in bringing these innocent lives into this mess YOU created. Yes, I’m only focusing on you at this moment because it is you that’s here speaking to us. Your MM is his own separate being, his OWN set of responsibilities in this mess and I don’t want his responsibilities skewed with yours. His are separate & apart from yours and are to his wife & family. THAT’S how YOU should be approaching this. He had no responsibilities towards you except to respect you as a human being that lives on this earth.

You don’t tell 2 mth. old babies ANYTHING. If you do, it’s for YOUR benefit only (to place blame outside of YOURSELF) because they can’t understand you honey. But when they’re older...........TELL THEM THE TRUTH. That you were irresponsible, had a relationship with a MM, but you love them and you have done the best you can in loving & taking care of them and not being that irresponsible person you were then, so they have a great role model to follow. What ELSE is there to tell them? A lie?

And as far as not “busting into their world”, sweetheart...you’ve already done that (why couldn’t you have felt this way when he was “chasing & wearing you down”?) so it’s a bit too late. But what you CAN do is stay out of their world, including her H’s. Absolve to remove yourself from that unspoken “waiting list” that so many OW’s seem to put themselves on. Always keeping THEIR door open...beyond just the relationship with the children. Don’t make yourself a package deal, holding on to that fantasy “happy family”. If it’s really all about your children’s well being, make yourself enough for that. If he ever gets himself together and enters their life on a positive note, that’s all the better for them, isn’t it?

While I understand the abortion dilemma, choices after conception are STILL afforded to women. You made them. By the way, Adoption was also within your choices too. But that would have given away your trump card wouldn’t it. I also think Adoption is best in these kinds of situations. Gives the children the BEST chance for a loving 2 parent home. I think when women in these situations are adamant about having & keeping these kids, they turn the situation into being about THEM only. They lay the ground work of who is going to be more to blame, and since she has, stoically & martyredly (I know it’s not a word...but it is now) made the “sacrifice” to bring LIFE into this world, she is now absolved. NOPE. Uh Uh. Birth doesn’t absolve you of your responsibility of sleeping with & getting pregnant by a married man hon. His hands are tied and the playing field is no longer level once you become pregnant. Yet, one person (the pregnant woman) gets to make all the decisions after the act occurs, but that one person gets to also dish out the level & degree of responsibilities too? Talk about “power”. And just because you’re not due any “responsibility pay-back” from him doesn’t mean he’s “enjoying his life”. Don’t you, for a minute, believe his life is all peaches & cream because he DOES hold responsibility in this. But it’s due & payable to HIS WIFE & family, not YOU. He’s suffering. Oh, believe me, he’s suffering. What human could do what you BOTH have done and not suffer...at least within? Just because you’re not seeing it, doesn’t mean his wife isn’t...exactly the person who should be seeing it. Yes this situation warrants you to pay “through your nose” just as he will, but it just FLOORS me that no one EVER thinks of these things when “the chase” is on & the hormones are flowing. Yeah “men are cursed for such things”...and so are women....TRUST what I tell ya hon.

But I’m glad you don’t have intention to harm his family...at least not any more than you already have, and you’ve blown them out of the water, already, having these kids. But my suggestion to you would be to place blame with YOURSELF and stop requiring & expecting responsibility pay-back from a married man. He owes you NOTHING.

4eva


4eva

BW-47
WH-46
Married 21 yrs.
D-19
S-15
OC-14/born 9/99
NC
Dday #1 10/30/04
Dday #2 7/2/12 Skank ho #2 (40ish, childless, single & desperate; the world is becoming over-run with them...just like cheaters)
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 8,344
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Posts: 8,344
 Originally Posted By: 4eva
I can’t say I don’t like YOU...I don’t know you. But I can see a bit of your state of mind from what you’ve written, and I can say, I DON’T like THAT.

And if you honestly believe, that understanding ALL SIDES of the story is the great thing about life, where is your understanding about the MM in your situation? Did you /do you understand that, as a MM “chasing after” you, he is CLEARLY a problem-filled individual that’s having issues in his marriage that needed to be dealt with AT HOME and not out cheating with YOU on his wife? Did you/do you understand his actions, with regard to taking up with you, were wrong & he is REQUIRED to end his relationship with you-FOR GOOD-and needs to begin fixing what’s wrong in his M, and that just may require him to not include you & your children, at this juncture, if he’s going to be successful in trying to regain his wife’s trust, love & support again? Do you understand that, at this young age, your children have not a CLUE who “Daddy” is, won’t even realize he’s not in their young lives yet (unless you, later, drill this fact into their resilient little heads), and that the BEST thing you could do for THEM is, to lose the bitterness, take responsibility for YOUR part in this mess, love on those babies and HOPE their father can correct what he’s done to his marriage so he can POSSIBLY gain his wife’s support back so she is able to, possibly, accept your children and, TOGETHER, they can provide a stable, intact household for them to visit in and have a relationship with their father and HIS family? If you are cooperative & supportive of him WITH THIS REGARD, and not hung up on drilling into his head how he wronged you & them, THIS would be the BEST thing you could do for YOUR children by giving them the best possible chance to helping pave the way in being integrated into their father’s life. The sooner you realize, you were NEVER supposed to be part of his “family” picture and get past THAT fantasy, the better chance your kids may have their father in their lives. It IS “all about them”...right? It might be at a later date...a few years down the road, but that’s part of the consequences of choosing to have children under THESE circumstances.

I don’t know if you were “naïve & stupid”, unless you’re a young child because most all adults KNOW married people are off limits to having a sexual relationship with. Maybe...fantasy-filled? To say you were “naïve & stupid” puts the total blame ON HIM, and that’s just not right. You had your own mind also. YOU COULD HAVE SAID “NO”. You could have stood by your values (doesn’t seem you had them). Heck. You could have even threatened to turn him in to his WIFE. But you didn’t. You hold some responsibility in this too. 50% exactly.

I’m not sure what kind of “power” you’re speaking of with regard to your statement about “married women”, except to be saying, his wife has the power to kill your fantasy idea of a “happy little family” with her husband. As you can see, her “power” wasn’t as effective as you THINK it was. YOU ended up with “the power” to sleep with her husband & THE CHOICE to have his twins. Just how powerful do you think SHE feels now? All I read into this statement is, you, once again, setting up, in your mind, for someone else to blame (his wife) if your fantasy family doesn’t evolve like you’d want. No one else is to blame for your circumstances here, but YOU. You had “the power” to say “No” to a married man; you had “the power” to choose what sort of birth legacy you brought children into; you had “the power” of choice in bringing these innocent lives into this mess YOU created. Yes, I’m only focusing on you at this moment because it is you that’s here speaking to us. Your MM is his own separate being, his OWN set of responsibilities in this mess and I don’t want his responsibilities skewed with yours. His are separate & apart from yours and are to his wife & family. THAT’S how YOU should be approaching this. He had no responsibilities towards you except to respect you as a human being that lives on this earth.

You don’t tell 2 mth. old babies ANYTHING. If you do, it’s for YOUR benefit only (to place blame outside of YOURSELF) because they can’t understand you honey. But when they’re older...........TELL THEM THE TRUTH. That you were irresponsible, had a relationship with a MM, but you love them and you have done the best you can in loving & taking care of them and not being that irresponsible person you were then, so they have a great role model to follow. What ELSE is there to tell them? A lie?

And as far as not “busting into their world”, sweetheart...you’ve already done that (why couldn’t you have felt this way when he was “chasing & wearing you down”?) so it’s a bit too late. But what you CAN do is stay out of their world, including her H’s. Absolve to remove yourself from that unspoken “waiting list” that so many OW’s seem to put themselves on. Always keeping THEIR door open...beyond just the relationship with the children. Don’t make yourself a package deal, holding on to that fantasy “happy family”. If it’s really all about your children’s well being, make yourself enough for that. If he ever gets himself together and enters their life on a positive note, that’s all the better for them, isn’t it?

While I understand the abortion dilemma, choices after conception are STILL afforded to women. You made them. By the way, Adoption was also within your choices too. But that would have given away your trump card wouldn’t it. I also think Adoption is best in these kinds of situations. Gives the children the BEST chance for a loving 2 parent home. I think when women in these situations are adamant about having & keeping these kids, they turn the situation into being about THEM only. They lay the ground work of who is going to be more to blame, and since she has, stoically & martyredly (I know it’s not a word...but it is now) made the “sacrifice” to bring LIFE into this world, she is now absolved. NOPE. Uh Uh. Birth doesn’t absolve you of your responsibility of sleeping with & getting pregnant by a married man hon. His hands are tied and the playing field is no longer level once you become pregnant. Yet, one person (the pregnant woman) gets to make all the decisions after the act occurs, but that one person gets to also dish out the level & degree of responsibilities too? Talk about “power”. And just because you’re not due any “responsibility pay-back” from him doesn’t mean he’s “enjoying his life”. Don’t you, for a minute, believe his life is all peaches & cream because he DOES hold responsibility in this. But it’s due & payable to HIS WIFE & family, not YOU. He’s suffering. Oh, believe me, he’s suffering. What human could do what you BOTH have done and not suffer...at least within? Just because you’re not seeing it, doesn’t mean his wife isn’t...exactly the person who should be seeing it. Yes this situation warrants you to pay “through your nose” just as he will, but it just FLOORS me that no one EVER thinks of these things when “the chase” is on & the hormones are flowing. Yeah “men are cursed for such things”...and so are women....TRUST what I tell ya hon.

But I’m glad you don’t have intention to harm his family...at least not any more than you already have, and you’ve blown them out of the water, already, having these kids. But my suggestion to you would be to place blame with YOURSELF and stop requiring & expecting responsibility pay-back from a married man. He owes you NOTHING.

4eva


As usual...I LOVE 4EVA, 4EVA AND EVA!


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

My Story

Recovered!
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4eva,

I have no fantasy of ending up with him, it would be nice but it wouldnt work. you are right, many OWs may have that fantasy, but its just emmotional - we dont actually KNOW these people.

i can understand all your anger towards the OW, and most BS would attack us. fair enough. i think though, an affair is a symptom of what lies beneath the ocean of your marriage. the person to attack is your husband.

i have been cheated on as well before, and when DDay came, i didnt attack the female.

the betrayal came from the male. he used lies and deception to both parties, he had his cake and ate it.

fire me all you want, at this point i got nothin to loose anyways. i just dont.

yes attack the OW, but doing this mostly is causing you to be blindsided and by thus not dealing with the main problem.

THE MAN, WHO CHOSE TO SOLVE HIS PROBLEMS IN HIS PRIMARY RELATIONSHIP/MARRIAGE BY CHEATING. SIMPLE.

It hurts us both. BS and OW, we are or could be in love with the same man.

if i wanted, MM would still be a part of my world, but its ok, may he puhleasssssseee return to his family. BY ALL MEANS.

after all, a love like this is no love, what do i want part time love for?

i feel for the BS. you have been the one kept in the dark.

and for the record, if my husband cheated on me, i would see a reconciliation if it were just sex, but when it gets into being an emmotional affair, thats just messy stuff.

imagine, all the investment about whom he wants to be, his future hopes and dreams, are in the OW. his worst fears, even what he hates about you. what breaks down in communication to the point you cant even talk about his urges without breaking out into a fight.

its not fair, that he chose to deal with it this way. that he didnt finnish off one part of his life before starting another,

you hold great power, because he has invested all he has with you, but instead of pushing him away (which happens for various reasons - marriage is complicated) become vulnerable and bare your soul with the man you gave your vows too.

i have my part to blame, i own my crap. but understand this,

AFFAIRS ARE JUST THAT, SYMPTOMS OF WHATS GOING WRONG.

if the fault is that he is a cheater/betrayers/risker of all you got, then ???

if you neglected him because he treated you bad then it led into a brutal cycle??? go councelling.

like i said, i have seen all this for what it is, i wont fight for him. he is not serious if he can play people against each other, but thats his own responsibility.

think twice before you bush the OW. she is merely a symptom

------------------------------------------------------------
THE SAGA CONTINUES

Just for info, i chase him away but he still contacts me, calling me "his emotional outlet", i moved a continent away from him at 7 months pregnancy. but even then he has phoned me with massive phone bills. he has sent us financial support. i wont refuse it till i start work, sorry.

i dont want to be used to be someones emmotional outlet.

its both our baby (pun not intended), so we deal with it best we can. my suggestion was, he support me financially for 6 months, and when i start work in 6 months, i never wanna hear from him again. i think thats a fair deal.

besides, if i had to make him be my kids father now, it would rob his current children of their father, i couldnt do that.

i dont regard myself as intrusive, yes i have intruded via playing a part in infedelity, but as far as the future is concerned, i want no part.

giving up my babies would kill me, even if it had to be to his family. the best i can do is get my head in order and then start dating (properly) again.

hopefully, i will find a dad for them.

THIS IS THE LEGACY OF THE CAKE EATER

Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 8,344
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 Originally Posted By: theOW
4eva,

i can understand all your anger towards the OW, and most BS would attack us. fair enough. i think though, an affair is a symptom of what lies beneath the ocean of your marriage. the person to attack is your husband.


Nope. You both own 50% of the ca-ca YOU involved us in. Own it or don't...but don't tell ME who owes who. Seems that YOUR math is the one that's flawed.


i have been cheated on as well before, and when DDay came, i didnt attack the female.


Ah. Poor OW. You gave as you got, huh? Too bad you didn't learn how that merry-go-round worked


the betrayal came from the male. he used lies and deception to both parties, he had his cake and ate it.

Own it. It's half yours. Your refusal to OWN what you did is apparent as the nose on your face.

fire me all you want, at this point i got nothin to loose anyways. i just dont.

Then why are you here? You're not justifying any better than ANY STOW before you. There's only been 2 that I know of that owned their half of the pain they doled out.

YOU.

DON'T

HOLD

A

CANDLE

TO

THEM.


yes attack the OW, but doing this mostly is causing you to be blindsided and by thus not dealing with the main problem.

It's been dealt with.

THE MAN, WHO CHOSE TO SOLVE HIS PROBLEMS IN HIS PRIMARY RELATIONSHIP/MARRIAGE BY CHEATING. SIMPLE.

You forgot half of that equation. The WOMAN who decided that because the door was open, she had the RIGHT to walk on in.

It hurts us both. BS and OW, we are or could be in love with the same man.

It hurts EVERYONE. But don't you dare compare MY PAIN to yours. You CHOSE yours. YOU also took the CHOICE away from the BW in your sitch and gave it to her whether she deserved it or not.

if i wanted, MM would still be a part of my world, but its ok, may he puhleasssssseee return to his family. BY ALL MEANS.

And that's what they ALL say.

i feel for the BS. you have been the one kept in the dark.

Yep. And YOU assisted in that.

and for the record, if my husband cheated on me, i would see a reconciliation if it were just sex, but when it gets into being an emmotional affair, thats just messy stuff.

Why are you here then?

imagine, all the investment about whom he wants to be, his future hopes and dreams, are in the OW. his worst fears, even what he hates about you. what breaks down in communication to the point you cant even talk about his urges without breaking out into a fight.

More STOW TALK. He knows where the door is. Look where he STAYED.

its not fair, that he chose to deal with it this way. that he didnt finnish off one part of his life before starting another,

And you allowed it. ALLOWED IT.

you hold great power, because he has invested all he has with you, but instead of pushing him away (which happens for various reasons - marriage is complicated) become vulnerable and bare your soul with the man you gave your vows too.

Which YOU put asunder. YOU CHOSE FOR HER.

i have my part to blame, i own my crap. but understand this,

AFFAIRS ARE JUST THAT, SYMPTOMS OF WHATS GOING WRONG.

And your point is what? That it makes it OKAY to do what you did? Purrrrh-lease!

if the fault is that he is a cheater/betrayers/risker of all you got, then ???

Which YOU also allowed in YOUR life....CHOSE to be in your life...FROM THE GET GO CHOSE IT!

if you neglected him because he treated you bad then it led into a brutal cycle??? go councelling.

And YOUR excuse is?

like i said, i have seen all this for what it is, i wont fight for him. he is not serious if he can play people against each other, but thats his own responsibility.

And yours.

think twice before you bush the OW. she is merely a symptom

ANd cause.

------------------------------------------------------------
THE SAGA CONTINUES

Just for info, i chase him away but he still contacts me, calling me "his emotional outlet", i moved a continent away from him at 7 months pregnancy. but even then he has phoned me with massive phone bills. he has sent us financial support. i wont refuse it till i start work, sorry.

i dont want to be used to be someones emmotional outlet.

Your actions speak otherwise.

its both our baby (pun not intended), so we deal with it best we can. my suggestion was, he support me financially for 6 months, and when i start work in 6 months, i never wanna hear from him again. i think thats a fair deal.

So do I.

besides, if i had to make him be my kids father now, it would rob his current children of their father, i couldnt do that.

i dont regard myself as intrusive, yes i have intruded via playing a part in infedelity, but as far as the future is concerned, i want no part.

Good luck with that.

giving up my babies would kill me, even if it had to be to his family. the best i can do is get my head in order and then start dating (properly) again.

hopefully, i will find a dad for them.

That's all you want? That's your whole goal? That speaks VOLUMES to your mentality.

THIS IS THE LEGACY OF THE CAKE EATER

As spoken BY a cake eater.


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

My Story

Recovered!
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