MelodyLane:

I really don't care about you, or your opinion of me. You somehow think that spending years on a site and meeting the "man" makes you the expert. If you were so special and good you would be working as a counselor not playing one.

I am one WS that is not going to back down from your bullying, since you don't represent the MB concepts. You do nothing but cherry pick the ones you like and use them like a hammer to make people conform.

So go bother someone else. You irritate me and make getting information from people that are helpful that much harder.

Hu:

You posted this:


If Mrs Hu has read, then she would probably have stayed. Why not? They were beating you up in those posts.

However, Flamingo could NEVER get past #1. She's not the kind to post or reveal much to others, At least, that kind of stuff that she would consider "private"

MOF, She has told NO ONE about her cancer scare. Folks here know more about it than anybody IRL.

I would recommend that you look into the MB weekend. She doesn't have to share much with the crowd, and the members are folks in similar situations. She may be less embarrassed.

But your here. Use for what you get out of it.

One foot in front of the other.

LG

Oh surprise since I am the one posting here, guess what I get to paraphrase here thoughts.

The one thing we do have in common is a dislike of people like you. So no real surprise that she feels the same.

Again go bother someone else. I want to help actually save my marriage you want to do nothing but spar with me. Frankly your a waste of my time and effort.

Hu,

Explaining how you are responsible for meeting your own ENs as well...

If you tell yourself you're an idiot about every five minutes throughout the day, when you go home to your wife and she doesn't meet your EN for admiration (she says welcome home, I missed you (you're worth missing, you're important), I love the way you look right now, you have the best hands, what a great smile) could be you bashed yourself too far down to even hear enough deposits of admiration to feel it.

If you look to others to fill your voids, then you'll live in a vacuum...taking in...filling up. When you kudo yourself when you hold to your boundaries, and hold yourself to amends when you don't, then her opinions become hers...fascinating to know...and you feel appreciated (not a void) because you appreciate your choices, know they are acts of love...then you'll find yourself appreciating, admiring her, too...because we are two-way streets...what we do for ourselves, we will do for others.

We act from love and the loving feelings follow...when we are busy believing we must have affection and don't act affectionately, don't stay aware of what affection represents to us, then others can be pouring affection over us and we truly won't feel it...because we aren't doing it.

What we most crave indicates what we are least giving.

And I'm with ML...I'm having a really hard time believing you told your BW. That she would refuse to come to an anonymous board where so many others have been right where she is right now and not post bravely, for understanding, healing and guidance. It's like drowning in rejection, a daily stabbing of 50 daggers at once...it's unbearable. She would reach out to her GF's and family...it is an obsession at first and for quite awhile, and you'd go to the ends of the earth (you say to yourself) to gain some relief...even a moment.

The times for MC seem too brief...like an ocean to swim in between. Would you please share with her what you did here, how you impersonated her, and how you want to rebuild some trust here, and mostly, for her to have some validation, affirmation, alignment, and know she's not crazy, bad or wrong...not a thing wrong with her, 'k?

Please? You could ask Justuss to authenticate two separate IP addresses to verify it...both of you post at the same time, be signed in at the same time? Something?

LA

Hu, it really doesn't ring true to me either that you have told your wife. I'm the FWW.

If your wife was genuinely three weeks out from hearing about your A, she would still be in a state of shock. She would find the "hostility" as you call it mirroring every single thing she is thinking and feeling right now about you. She would be questioning every single thing about her life.

My H wouldn't read MB because he couldn't stand to read the pain from BS's which mirrored his own. He wasn't in a position to critique poster's styles - he was just a hurting mess. After D-day we were both incoherent, blubbering messes. Both of us.

It is not my posts she has read. I just showed here the site and let her read it first. She determined on her own to not come here.

But I do share what is posted on my threads with her.

I do plan on getting out what I can, because I do want to try and either save my marriage or end it and become a better person.

Don't know what to tell you.

She asked the MC how she should be responding since she was not feeling anger. I even told her to be angry with me.

She has cried and been upset but not to the extent of the BS I have seen here.

Again the "hostility" she has seen was on other threads. She did not like the overall tone of the website. She did not find it helpful at all.

So again don't know what to tell you. I work with how she is and encourage her to be mad, ask question etc...

Here is the thing that bothers you so much, hu7668, many folks can see the holes in your story and know that you are not going to get anywhere until you get honest. Until you get honest, you are wasting your time here.

You have been dishonest with the posters many times, and I see nothing but a repeat with this latest "story." All of the sentiments you ascribe to your "wife" just happen to magically MATCH the sentiments of a profoundly fogged out individual: YOU. I find the coincidence too remarkable to ignore.

Your description of your wife's welfare rings no more true today than it did a few weeks ago when you lied about it then. For example, here you are again only concerned about getting your needs met while your victim supposedly has jsut been given the most devasting news of her life. It just doesn't add up, hu.

The only hostility I have seen has been FROM YOU, not to you. Posters here have not been hostile with you; they have been very patient with you and tried to help. You just didn't want to hear it becasue you know it is the truth. They have not hesitated to point out your dishonesty. That is not hostile, that is an act of CARE. And anyone who wouldn't do that, clearly doesn't CARE about you or your marriage.

So, I will continue to point out how dishonest your story is. That is the kind of FRIEND I am. And you will view me as a FRIEND, rather than a FOE when you decide to get honest. But lets not be confused about WHY you find me such a threat. We both know why.

He's lying.

Good for you MelodyLane think what you want I don't care.

I told you folks what I wanted to tell you. I could've stayed silent and told you nothing, because I don't owe you anything.

I will just go back to lurking, since I have gotten good information that way. You can say you ran another WS off the forum.

hu,

I read some information recently that led me to further understanding of the "system failure" you spoke about.

You might get some understanding if you read the posts I put up in Not2L8's thread regarding self-betrayal.

They explain how you got to the point where you actually chose the affair, and how/why you justified that decision.

Read it, I hope it helps.

I also reference a book there that might help - it has absolutely NOTHING to do with affairs. But you can generalize the idea to the system failure concept.

SB

We'll be here when you're ready to get honest.

You weren't "run off" the forum. You turned tail and ran yourself off because you think people are supposed to molly-coddle you instead of calling you on your BS...and I don't mean "betrayed spouse".

What you don't realize, Hu, is that the very people you don't like posting to you are the people who are actually the best help you can get on these forums.

They care about your marriage and ARE trying to help you, but you don't want any help that means you have to face up to the tremendous trauma that you caused your wife and your marriage.

An arrogant attitude on your part is NOT going to save your marriage.

By the way, I don't believe you told your wife, either.

Hu,


The lack of anger is normal...until she gets to around six to eight months out, pain dominates everything...then the anger surges in...

Feeling wiped out of existence kind of pain is what stuns the BS...have you asked your MC what steps you can take right now to help know her emotions? The shock runs for a couple of months...it's like someone took reality and turned it inside out. Could you maybe elaborate more on what she says in MC?

And at first, BS blame themselves...so they don't talk about their experience, the obsession and consumed thoughts. It's how can I make this not have happened, make it all go away...undo it...like the unbreak my heart song.

Have you informed her family and dearest friends, your family, so they can support her? Please do not involve her in any cover up...that makes her part of the A and I believe that's why couples don't recover...there's your betrayal of the marriage and yourself, her betrayal of herself (all the "why didn't I know, see, etc." compounded by your lies and gaslighting...there's internal ones), and then to pretend it didn't happen to others, to feel clandestine, just kills the self-respect and twists recover around into a knot.

Would you please call the Coaching Center for counseling? That's something you guys can do together, separate from MC; you can get an action plan in one session--you can ask for counseling with Dr. Harley...get it straight from his mouth...and that would be telling someone else what you did, why you did it, and putting into place why and how you won't do it again.

When you stray off and focus on lack, you are doing what you did before...remind yourself, bring up the image of your DD, age her five or ten years, and picture yourself answering her questions to you of what you did to her mother, your wife, to the marriage, and what you did to recover...feel what you'd feel if you said, "I did some, not everything. I tried off and on. Nothing worked." And then feel those feelings when you see her face in your mind...and then picture saying with abject honesty, "I did everything I could. I changed my thinking, my beliefs, my actions and recommitted fully to the marriage, to my personal and marital recovery." Then picture her face.

LA

LA,

That was good advice to HU.

I hope he is listening to the part about not doing everything he can right now to fix the marriage. You are right - he will look at his daughter's face and regret it later.

SB

Hu,

Nobody is here to run you off.

We are here to try to help you fix your marriage. The only way to do that is to get you to be honest with us and honest with your wife.

We need to be able to trust what you've said to us. The problem is that your track record isn't......terrific......in the honesty department. You know that.

Take your hits. Stand up and move forward.

Listen to the advice, sort out what you think is good for you and focus there. If it doesn't sound right for you then, you don't even have to reply.

But there is this:


The problem with hearing the truth about ourselves is that too often it really hurts at first. We fight it because it strikes right at the heart of us. We deny it because we do not want to face it - because to face it means we have to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

And that would mean we would have to CHANGE.

Hu, if you want to fix your marriage, to overcome this "system failure", you are going to have to undergo the most radical change of your life.

If you cannot face that, your marriage will likely fail.

And you will carry the same problems you are having in this relationship right into every single relationship you have from here on out.

Because the problem

lies in you.


SB

Ok good, HU is back. It has been kinda boring lately. All we have had are the same old repentant waywards looking for help and shell shocked betrayed trying to deal with someone who should be their best friend but obviously wasn't.

I am not much on giving advice to someone who equates a good relationship as a flat head and a beer. Or to one who equates a good paycheck instead of being held to quite inner fears from the distaff side of things.

Larry

Hu,

One more thing I thought of, from my own experiences, just as I posted my last post...and please accept my tendency to dramatize...I'm fighting for your marriage, too, and remembering...and it's like re-experiencing sometimes. I'm really glad you posted again.

You now have a legacy of infidelity in your family. It's true and it's not hyperbole. The lessons children learn is real (and an article)...because what she sees you do now, after doing such harm, is crucial for her beliefs for her whole life.

If she sees you looking at what you're not getting right now, then she will marry a man who looks at lack...she will try to work out with him what you wouldn't with her and your wife. She'll be your wife.

He will cheat on her...another thing because that will be really important to her, what she most fears and she will feel what your wife felt. She may go your way, as well, instead of addressing issues in her marriage with her partner, she may well distract, search out in others to fill her up, and go through many marriages--your grandchildren may end up with many parents.

This is what I grew up with...and what I am facing with my own grandchildren. The legacy of adultery continues on and on...as daughters, we don't feel enough, worth enough, to not cheat on...your love for her didn't stop you from it, so she must not be very lovable...she must have taken too much of her mother's affection, didn't leave enough for you...in some way, she makes this about herself, just as your wife will, because if she can be the cause, she can be the cure.

Sets up decades of heartache. She won't believe you when you say she was not the cause...her mother was. No way. Mommy is me, as we say...she is her mother and herself...and that's a tangle that adultery escalates to new levels of mess.

If she's about to enter her teenaged years, she won't use you to push against to define who she is, separately from you (which is natural)...she'll be afraid, a pleaser, may become very promiscuous at an early age...whether she knows of your A or not...kids know, even when they don't really know. She may treat you like glass, disconnect from having a real father/daughter relationship...look elsewhere, in every boy and man for what she feels cut off from in you.

What you do now matters...can't remedy or prevent...show her the way to healing, forgiveness, understanding and integrity. We do terrible things in our lives, and here's how we amend...can't undo, no do-overs...and show her and yourself how the consequences keep coming, for decades...from one choice, one act...you do your very best and they'll still keep coming.

Put into place now by telling her about your A and that you've stopped it, how you make positive ripples that don't stop, either, for decades.

Honesty is the only way to really connect with anyone. Which is why A's aren't real relationships...just two clean slates who don't really know one another, haven't lived day in and day out with each other, haven't been through what you and your real partner, your wife, and your child has been through. You have been known in all ways by the real...and only in selected parts and pieces by an outsider.

And the most important lesson for your DD...is that people are not replaceable. Spouses cannot really be replaced. There are no right partners, just being the best one you can possibly be, and loving, anyway.

LA

I concur with the members who said this does NOT ring true. There is no way your wife, who is devastated by your selfish actions, is showing more emotion over the horrible "religious nuts" who reside on MB, than she is your adultery.

Nice try at attributing your stinking thinking to your invisible betrayed wife.

Hey Hu,

There are a handful of threads here by BS's that you could direct you wife to where the owners are not particulary religious, angry or anything. They would only be too happy to talk with your wife without pushing any particular issue except the recovery and improvement of your marriage.

Lil