Bugsy:

Where is that emoticon with the drumming fingers?

That's where you are at.

You are playing this well. He gets to see "portions" of you.

When he starts revelling in that, you pull back, and re-interate what you need to show him "all of you".

You COULD teach Mark about fishing....

Because you are working your fish like a master. You ARE dangling the hook REAL CLOSE.

WHen Drac wraps his lips around your hook, he may do it with fangs, or not. But you will know.

That's why you have done so well so far.

Darkness now. Drac likes the chase.

LG

Ladies: About the voice? Oh yes. I can wrap Flamingo up with it.

Nasty I am.

It's SO much better now.

LG

Am I reading this RIGHT? Is he saying that you were just "SEPARATED" and that he did not leave you for another woman???..sounds like FOGGY BULLCRAP to me...

What me thinks is that he thinks he's going to convince you to have it HIS WAY..to BE FRIENDS, etc....

Me thinks that going DARK still offers the best chance for RECOVERY...

That's what worked for my CAKE-EATING HUSBAND..him having to make it in this life COMPLETELY and TOTALLY without me is what worked and ANY, ANY MEETING of HIS EMOTIONAL NEEDS by me PROLONGED HIS WAYWARDNESS EVEN LONGER..each and every time I did it..and I was ALWAYS TEMPTED once I had ANY CONTACT with HIM (so I truly understand)

Me thinks that Drac is that way...

He got enough of his FIX of YOU and so he is not IN PAIN...

PAIN AND SUFFERING brings about CHANGE..

So given that he is feeling OK now, what MOTIVATION does he have to RECOVER?

BUT..BUT..I TRULY, TRULY UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU DID, BUGSY. I prolly would have done THE SAME...

But..sit back and watch him try to come after you if you REMAIN DARK...I betcha he will pull all kinds of tricks if you were able to do that...

I encourage you to TRY IT...

YEP..I agree with SL...

Now, who in the world is gonna do that to BUGSY????

Let me know and I'll come get them...

Hi everyone!

Finally made it home, fed the pets, had some dinner. Oh, and found Drac's profile on Match.com. He was 'fairly' honest on the profile. I did laugh at how he's a "Southern Gentleman". Oh and he DEFINATELY wants another child and now has an affinity for jazz! Oh, and while the age range he is looking for is pretty wide, it doesn't include MY age! ha!

I'll be honest it hurts. Especially since Ladybug mentioned for the 2nd time that he's spending more time on match.com than with her. Geez, you'd think he'd do it after she's in bed. What a foggy self centered putz. So much for that 'relationships on hold so he can focus on his kids and his career'. Just WHO does he think he's fooling?

I've gone up and down but only a tiny flux, not the huge rollercoaster since finding the profile. I asked God at one point to please just make me stop caring!! Then I was ok. Not great, but ok.

I did consider making up a profile & contacting him. Does that make me EVIL? Just think of the email exchanges I could have with him! Lead him on, tune him up, and then cut him loose!! ha!! Ok, that's definately EVIL, but it still makes me smile to think about what fun that could be!!

I could always just do my own profile,,,,The truth of it is he'll never find anyone (match.com or elsewhere) that is any better than me. I hope all of his 'matches' end up being mean, ugly, nasty women!!

I totally appreciate everyone's concern. I also appreciate the input - even if it's things you think I don't want to hear. That's why I consider you all friends. Only friends care enough to be totally honest with you, even when you don't necessarily want them to be!

LG, I do like to think perhaps it's decent fishing skills on my part. What I end up catching,,,if anything, remains to be seen.

I think I will sit on the bank with a drink (sorry, beer isn't my drink of choice). I like the shadey, dark part of the bank under a nice tree. Am thinking of stringing up a hammock and taking a nap!

The fish will just have to feed themselves for a while.

Hey, Bugs

I think he's not out of the Fog yet. Like Mimi says, he hasn't suffered enough yet.

Sorry about the match thing. I know that's a disappointment.

You wanted to know, so you tossed your line out. I think you made more of a splash with the bait than you meant to, but I can't say I wouldn't have done the same thing, so no 2x4s from me. But now it's time to sit really still and wait and see what happens.

Dark.

Bugs

I've gotta read that BUYERS, RENTERS, FREELOADERS book by DR. HARLEY, newly entitled THE ONE.. to get a better understanding..BUT..

Do you think that Drac is the kinda guy that doesn't believe in LONG-TERM COMMITMENT? I think LG mentioned this once...

This is how Drac diverges from my H..(I've been trying to figure this out for myself)..I'm thinking my H is a BUYER..I couldn't IMAGINE him going to Match.com...he went from the OW STRAIGHT back to ME...See the difference???..

I'm not saying that my H is PREFERABLE..because he would be the TYPE to MARRY the OW...

Just TRYING to MAKE SENSE out of this CRAP... :crosseyedcrazy:

Mimi,

I've been doing a bit of reading in that area myself. I think that Drac 'wants' at times to be a buyer, but he's lived most of his life as a renter.

When times get tough, he reacts as a renter.

Then moves on to look for new real estate.

That's what he's doing now I think. Checking the market, thinking that there is just oh so much fun out there that he NEEDS to experience. Instead of looking at what changes he could/should make inside himself to have any type of successful long term relationship, it's easier to move on.

Don't get me wrong. I do believe he intuitively KNOWS what we had is by far better than he ever realized/admitted. He knows that when he hooked up with the Ho, he re-wrote a lot of stuff, but he's not to the point of admitting that we had anything other than a "Great friendship"

He is sticking with his creation that 'the worst/most hurtful thing is that we ruined a great friendship'. He doesn't get it that the Friendship was so great because of the LOVE relationship,,,,,not the other way around. I would have never had such a friendship with anyone I didn't love.


He's carefully crafted his image of "his life & his future" and is living the way he 'should have when we separated'. In other words, since it didn't work out with the Ho, he's created a new fantasy world.

By the time he realizes this, too is all 'fantasy', and recognizes that he had the stuff that dreams are made of with me, I expect I will have found a new dream.


I'm just going to hang out here and find a way to start livin' the dream. I want so badly to have someone care. Someone who calls me at 2 am, just to hear the sound of my voice. Someone who drives by my house in the middle of the night to make sure everything is ok. Someone to hold me and never want to let me go.

Ok, now I went and did it. I started down the "I want" path and now I'm crying. Darn it!!

Well, I gotta buck it up and get a report done. I should know better than to try to post during working hours!

I know that this is ARMCHAIR PSYCHOLOGY without me even KNOWING HIM..but it seems like he's FEARFUL OF INTIMACY..because, IN MY MIND, what my H and I have NOW is a DEEPER, CLOSER FRIENDSHIP..with TRANSPARENCY...which is SCARY, have to be VULNERABLE..but is what makes a GREAT MARRIAGE..SPECIAL..with a CAPITAL S...

As much as I HATE saying THIS..MAYBE he's NOT YOUR GUY..he's NOT the MARRYING KIND...he may go throughout the rest of his life from WOMAN to WOMAN and if you stay hooked into him, it may keep you from FINDING that BUYER out there that you WANT, NEED AND DESERVE ...

I SAY... CONTINUE TO PURSUE YOUR DREAM..GO FOR THIS!!

HE is OUT THERE...in this WORLD waiting and looking for YOU...

I can safely say that I want the same things, Bugsy.

I know that you are disappointed, but look at what you posted that you could be giving up if you persued Drac. You could be giving up your chance to put into practice what you have learned with someone HIGHLY receptive to forever after with YOU.

In the end, I believe the Zombie was well planted in renterville, with some crazy idea that he was a buyer, and that I was just the wrong girl for the position. HE may just be a playa, and that's how he likes it. I dunno, and I don't care anymore.

What I want and need is someone who WANTS to be devoted to me, and who wants me to be devoted to him; who realizes he's only missing out if he's NOT with me. Someone who values a good woman enough to forsake all others. The Z is not that man.

I'm just using my HUSBAND the BUYER to understand this...

Yes, he did have AN AFFAIR..but it was DEFINITELY a ROMANTIC ONE..and he was mostly FRIENDS with the OW at first..that's how their RELATIONSHIP started...

He REALIZED that SHE REALLY WAS NOT HIS FRIEND..but that SHE was a RENTER/FREELOADER...whatever..NOT BUYER MATERIAL...for HIM...

He came back to ME because he is a BUYER...

See the DIFFERENCE in MY GUY to YOUR GUYS....

When he was a WAYWARD, HE WAS JUST AS BAD...and AWFUL..so I'm not trying to make him into being a GOOD GUY..

Just trying to MAKE SENSE of all of this CRAP as I said before...

It makes perfect sense to me Mimi.

Bugsy:

You have done all the right moves.

You have laid the bait trail.

You are giving HIM the chance to recover your relationship.

But that window will not, and should not, be open for long.

Drac IS a renter. Doesn't mean he can't come in from the cold and become a buyer.

But THAT is an observable ACTION.

The actions YOU see and/or hear about, however, do not appear to indicate that Drac is heading to BUYER mode.

Stay dark. Let him come to you.

And if he doesn't, I have one word for you:

LilSis.

She seems to have found somebody that really likes the new LilSis. Her WEx-H is off in turd-land, and she moved on.

Yes, your sitchs are different, and that window is open for Ex-H to step thru. But he still has to do it.

LG

I DO know that there can be someone to give me everything that I want and need. I know that I so totally deserve it, too!

The hard part is giving up on the one person with who I HAD those things, at least for a while.


This is the same story with Drac. Mostly friends at first, that's how it started. He, too, realized she was a FREELOADER in pretty much every sense of the word.


That IS the difference. Drac isn't the buyer your H is. That is for sure.

As LG points out, it's not to say that he couldn't move into that position if he wanted to. But it's HIS move to make. Nothing I have done or could do will force that move.

Yes, intimacy is an issue for Drac. Lots of FOO issues in that regard, as well as some abuse when he was a child. None of this has he really dealt with and his track record with trying to get help with it is worse than horrible. The ONE time he was (I think) getting close to dealing with in counseling, the R with the HO put an end to it. Apparently he did contact another counselor sometime last year, but instead of getting help, I think they had their own relationship! YUCK! Wish I knew her name,,,,,,,,,,,she should not be licensed.

Anyway,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,back to Bugs. I know that I just need to step out into the pure sunshine and open myself up to the possibilities.

I've said before, I have not in the last year and a half been asked out once. Yes, there was/is MCD - - but that's more from a work/friends relationship. I've known him for so long it doesn't 'feel' like anything special.

I've not once been anywhere, met someone new, and been asked on a date.

Is it my keeping myself closed off? Sometimes, but not always.
I know I need to figure it all out again.

Sorry, but overall the whole idea of 'dating' again makes me want to :twobyfour: .

I know, I know, how then do I find The One? I was kind of hoping that God would just plop him down in front of me on a silver platter!

YES!!


I LIKE THAT..opening yourself up to the possibilities...



I'm not recommending MCD..BUT..does it have to "feel like anything SPECIAL?" Isn't it BEST to start as FRIENDS..and not get caught up into the ADDICTIVE kinda thing..we know where that leads...YUCK...

You know...A GENTLEMAN CALLER...


You know ME...I believe that the LORD does have to be in this..IS in this for YOU...PRAY and ask for HIS direction and guidance...

Most importantly...LISTEN TO THE SPIRIT...HE often SPEAKS and WE DO NOT LISTEN...Ask the SAVIOR to HELP YOU...

Ahhh Bugsy.. I so acutely feel what you are feeling.

Here we've learned so much about relationships and how to make them last, work, and be WONDERFUL..

Yet here we are, holding out hope that the one person we promised to have THAT relationship with will be the right person to have WONDERFUL with..

Well.. the truth is, that person may just not be the right person.. but that doesn't mean YOU can't be.

But that's going to happen on your timetable.. when you're done holding the door open for Drac. Nobody is saying you have to rush.. and even once you close the door it may take time for that WONDERFUL to come around again.. no need to force it.

Couple of cliche things that come to mind:

If it seems like it's too good to be true.. it probably is.

Someone on here had this in their sig, and I think maybe it applies: A successful marriage isn't about FINDING the right person, it's about BEING the right person.

I really like that.. and it gives me hope in the knowledge that even if WW never comes to her senses and stops being a RENTER/FREELOADER coupled with a FREELOADER.. that I'll be able to find my own BUYER out there somewhere.

Well, I've decided to just try to put away these thoughts for now. Trying to get the match.com, renter/buyer, longing for a hug thoughts outta my mind for a few days.

It's sorta working, but sorta not. It just makes me ill to think about the match.com thing. Really ill. Especially in that he told Ladybug he's looking for a girlfriend. And that he's looking 'for her, too'.

I know he was trying to say that he's 'screening' them to find someone that would be good for her, too. But that's not the message she got. She's thinking, WHY does either of us need a girlfriend? She justs wants him and his undivided attention sometimes. Where's that hammer?? :twobyfour: :twobyfour:

She overheard him tell the Ho that all she cared about was herself and her family. I guess that was during the breakup. He never did explain anything to the kids about the breakup, just that they broke up. Not a good way to handle it IMHO, but that's just me.

Ladybug sees the possibilities of the future there,,,,,,,,,,,she knows that another girlfriend will come in. She may start to care about this one, too. Then what's going to happen. Will Daddy send that one packing, too? Why care about anyone when they are just going to be there for a brief stay?

At 7 she can't easily articulate that, but based on what she's told me, I know that's what is going on. Daddy dumped Mommy. Moved the Ho in. Dumped the Ho. He is already looking for another one?

It is very frustrating that he obviously does not see what values he is teaching the kids BY EXAMPLE about relationships.

Geez Louise! Even a 7 year old can see how messed up that is!

For all of his 'talk' about putting life relationships on hold, not even SHE is buying that line of crapola.

I am feeling a bit like SD in how much to share with him about this. If I try to tell him anything of how she is feeling, will it get through. Or, as I suspect, will he think it's ME trying to interfere/control with his PRIVATE life,,,,this wonderful life he should have been living.

When oh when will he see more of the cost to his kids because of the life he wants? Oh, and then I just see the section of his profile saying in DEFINATELY wants another child??? Why, so another child can feel neglected by Daddy?

Oh,,,,,,,,,Rant Over.

I think I feel a bit better now.

So, I think I forgot to mention that I'd dropped off a souvenier from one of my trips at his house the other night. It was a part of our joking the other day, something I'd picked up a while back, and I looked at it as a 'parting' gift.

He called at 5 o'clock yesterday. I was at latchkey picking up Ladybug, so I let her answer it. Heck, she was holding the phone anyway and knew it was him. They talked and then he asked for me.

I just asked 'what's up'. He first went into how he was suprised that Ladybug answered, which I am sure he was. He thought he was going to call and continue the 'flirty' joking because of the souvenier, instead, he got his daughter. So, he went on to say thanks. I simply said, welcome. He went into how busy he'd been all day, that he'd thought about emailing or calling the day before, but knew I was out of town. He was headed back to his office, he thought he'd call to say thanks.

I simply said, welcome. (again). He asked what was I up to and I said that I was busy right at the moment but I did not say with what, but left it hanging in the "what do you need, get on with it cause I gotta go' silence. He said he'd let me go. I said bye. I wasn't snippy or short. Just had the voice of someone who doesn't care.

There should be no further reasons for any calls between us.

Dinner with the girls was canceled for tonight. So I am waiting for it to cool off a bit and am going to get my yardwork done tonight.

Tomorrow DSS has his first football game. I am planning to go, but it's an hour 1/2 drive away and starts at 10 a.m! Yuck! I don't know if Drac is going or not. He has to get Ladybug to his mom's so he can be free to go to the 'wedding' that night. His mom's is another 1 1/2 hours the opposite direction.

Any suggestions on handling the sitch IF he is there? I figured I'd simply focus all of my attention on DD if I have to sit anywhere close to them. Don't know what I'll do if she's not there. Probably just take a seat somewhere away from him.

I think if you maintain contact with Drac, you stand a good chance of LOSING your LOVE for him.

That's a another GREAT reason for PLAN B if you want to RECOVER your marriage.

Bugs,

I probably would have done exactly what you did because I'm so darned impatient. It's OK. At least you know. I almost think that your attitude of someone who just doesn't care is a good one. If you have to see him, do that 180 thing.

What amazes me is that they look for someone else, someone new that they know nothing about etc., when there is someone that they know who is totally willing and available. DUH. Do they really want a life of going from one to the next? Was life with us so bad? I'll never get it.