abandonedwith3,

SWW, sounds as though your chaplain is a very wise man...since he quoted the same verse to you as I did! LOL

Too funny!

That was my final straw (and...God knew it!)...what will be yours? You have to ask yourself just how much you are willing to swallow and accept....and, if you do R, what if it happens again?

Plan B doesn't have to lead to Plan D, but it will give you the oportunity to realize that you CAN live without WW and decide if D is best for you and your children. Once you're more removed from the situation and can examine things free from petty issues and their over-exaggerated drama, you will then see more clearly what others are already telling you. You're not planning to give up yet, you're just giving yourself time to see if you can.

Ab3, my final straw i now realize was this past weekend with her taking my son to hang out with OM charlie and the conversation I had this morning with one of WW's friends who is sort of taking my side on this. Friend told me she told WW to think about what she was giving up (SAHM, tennis team, country clubs, house etc. etc.)

Said WW was just silent and wanted to get off the phone. Friend is convinced, as am I and our wise older friend the attorney.psychologist that WW is allowing me to pay for her every need and to maintain her lifestyle while she shops for a new husband with no intention of reconciling. Said she need a couple of things, NOW!

First is a major kick in the a$$ to see if she is capable of waking up.

Second to face the reality of life without me and my ability to meet her EN's.

I know many may not agree (except Stellakat:) but I have come to a decision. I intend to give her the probable financial outcomes my attorney gave her if we divorce. For her they are very stark.

And I intend to tell her I intend to file for D. I am not bluffing or doing this to wake her up. This is for real.

I do not intend to continue to be humiliated in my own hometown by a WW that is flaunting her singleness and parties her [censored] off with OM in front of my kids.

AB3, I know I can go on without her and will probably be happier!

There you go!!

She is completely humiliating you in your hometown and her friend is right, she is shopping for another man while making you foot the bill. She already told you that if Charlie could have fit the mark, she would have left you. Maybe you are supposed to bring the kids there and be away from this for a long while until you are strong enough to return to your town.

Continue to follow your instincts and listen to your chaplain and those that closely understand your situation (i.e. aw3, etc.)

You're doing great!!!!

SWW -

glad to see some strength after the disrespect you have been receiving. From my end - its a shame the WW doesnt see what she will be missing and its a shame she doesnt realize how much you would like her to return to being a faithful wife and mother.

Sometimes though - a BH just needs to fire his WW. There are better women out there and who needs a lying and cheating spouse mooching off your hard earned income.

Once told my wife that I wanted a wife and not a room mate - I could afford to live without a room mate and didnt need to have one so the choice was hers.

Maybe I think differently than most, but here is my thinking.

Your WW is NOT humiliating YOU, she is humiliating herself and emberassing your children. You have the opportunity to escape this situation as the bigger person...which we all know you are anyway.

Be a father, take control of your children. Nothing screams responsibility and stability any more than keeping your obligations as a parent. Your WW has abandoned that role.

I realize that, in my case, my WW not only abandoned her children emotionally, but also physically (she moved out). Your WW may still reside in the same home as your kids, but she has certainly abandoned her duty to set a good example and nurture her children.

No one (to my knowledge) thinks any less of me because of my WW's escapades. In fact, I'm even more highly respected for stepping up as a parent and considering the best interests of my offspring, regardless of what would be easiest for me or what she has done.

Don't give your WW the satisfaction of thinking that she can tarnish your image or damage your reputation. Do what you must to protect your own character...and the sanity of your children.

I agree with onlyUcan...you really are doing great!
I know how much it helps to hear other's perspectives!
Don't let this consume you...if you do, she wins!

OnlyU, rwinger, AB3,

Thanks for the encouragement. I need it.

You know it feels good actually. And I know she is only embarassing herself, although it is embarassing to the kids.

She has sent me about 5 emails today regarding expenses etc. and says we should sit down and "brainstorm some ideas."

I don't think she is expecting the solution I have come to want.

Which is it, SWW?

Be ABSOLUTELY certain you want a D.

I don't think that's what you really want.

I think the thought of Plan B frightens you so much, that you're reaching for something that you think might be a quick fix....something that will "wake her up" so you don't have to go to Plan B.

Dr. Harley knows how to recover marriages from affairs. Plan A and Plan B are your best bets if you want your M, SWW.

Why don't you call him, and hear him out before you threaten to D your WW?

I've been following your situation, and feel so much empathy for what you're going thru.

My question is this, Have your kids been exposed to? They should be if they haven't, not to put them in the middle, but kids have their own type of pressure that they can put on their mother. It's important that they're not doing your dirty work, but that they can then judge, for themselves, each situation.

Kids tend to check up more, ask more questions, and I can't imagine if they knew that they were socializing with the OM that they'd actually be okay with that. My own DS8 wouldn't have been, and would say something...


My thoughts are with you.

What AW3 said about her humiliating herself and not you is taking the high road. And ultimately that is where you want to be in all this. There will be times when you hate her and want to bash her, but keep your integrity so that you can look to God with your own conscience clear.

SWW,

Marsh is right. Always keep in perspective that you are doing this PLAN step by step. That way IF you get to D at the end, you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you have followed a professional's plan at saving your M and if it doesn't work, you have done your best.

There is NO need to threaten D for a wake up call. Plan B is the ACTION that is going to give her the wake up call. The threat of a D, even if you follow through with it right now, will throw you off kilter. You aren't ready for that.

Remember....step by step.

You don't even have a solid Plan B yet plan yet, so put the Plan D aside and get through this hurdle first. Then you can work on the next hurdle. Otherwise, you are going to overwhelm yourself and spin out of control.

Y'all are killing me...

I will think tonite. No, if i am honest with myself i don't want D. But only because I am afraid of all that that implicates. But the thing is I think after a horrible grieving period I will be happier and more free.

But,

Oh crap...

i don't know, she is truly a rotten person, but i see redeeming qualities in her.

Look, I need to be strong here and go in one direction or another. I will think tonight.

It is not a question of strength to do plan B. I think I have been pretty darn strong, it is that it prolongs this, allows cake-eating and isn't enought to jolt her one way or another. For heavens sakes I've been living apart but for weekends for a year, it has made no difference. And, I can't stop meeting her FN either becasue of the kids.

If she won't respond to D, then I didn't want her anyway.

I need to be a rock now.

SWW

Have you exposed this to the OM GF?

Perhaps another call to OM (wont do any good perhaps) and say hey Charlie - why will you not butt out of my family?

I also agree with Marsh - but it is tough to do a remote Plan A and then do a full blown Plan B with kids, etc. I hope you find a way back to the home full time soon - this is key.

Just remember - you can give her the release papers anytime at your choosing. Cease the power in the knowledge you have this control over events and this alone can bring you some peace.

It seems there is no action on her part to seek a Plan D - she just wants to eat cake for as long as possible.

I agree.

It's not about strength, it's about CONFIDENCE in Plan B.

All BS are afraid Plan B will only push their WS further away from them. But, Plan B is for YOU. To protect you from the drama. And protect your love for your WW, so that when her A burns out, and she wants to R your M, you'll still want to too.

It is COUNTER-INTUITIVE.

Most of the time, it is only when you have implemented it well and are very dark, do you "get it".


Living apart was a HUGE mistake.

Choosing to continue to live this way is mind boggling to me.

I don't understand why you haven't rectified this sitch by now. Why you haven't moved heaven and earth to move back home... even if you had to take a pay cut, and down size, until you find a better job.


But, she's already said she wants a D. If you tell her you want one too, then you've freed her from her guilt, and she will probably agree to it.

You're mantra should be, "I want to save this M."

Until you don't.

Threatening D is a bad idea. It is something that is done in desperation.

It is not done by someone who has a plan.


CALL DR. HARLEY AND GET A PLAN.

And please don't tell me you can't afford it again.

There are plenty of folks here, who make alot less than 200K, and can scratch up enough money to call him.

SWW...try and relax a bit. You ARE going in the right direction.

Even with your geographic challenges, it sound like you attempted the best Plan A you could. The next step in this direction is now Plan B, on your terms and in your time.

Please don't misinterpret anything I say as encouraging D. That's NOT my intent. That may come and I can certainly understand that choice...if YOU make it. Just don't make the mistake of putting the cart before the horse and threatening her with D prematurely.

You can't predict her reaction and you are not yet ready to deal with the drama that will follow regardless of what it is.

You need to follow the steps in this path and you need the solice that Plan B will afford you. You need to get to the point where you are no longer thinking of what she may doing and where and with whom she is doing it...you have no control over that.

In your PBL, you will give your WW the necessary steps back to you that SHE must follow. You will then remove yourself from the day to day drama and finally have time to evaluate your true feelings and make sound decisions. You will then know that you have done all you can and leave the next few steps up to WW.

You will have given her clear, concise instructions on what it will take to R. It is up to her then to follow that road-map or not. If you continue to attempt to manipulate the situation and force her into R against her will, all you will get in the long run is the same WW you have now...one you will not trust or have any confidence in.

Take charge. Give her your terms (PBL), then go dark and have NC with her...only your M. The ball will then be in her court to "wake up" or not. Threatening D when you can't possibly know that you even want it is clearly the nuclear option. I just don't want to see you caught in the blast.

Go dark, leave WW in God's hands, then let Him show you (through her actions) what it is that He intends for you. Remember, "All things work for good..."

Praying for you brother...you really are doing great, though I know you don't feel like it.

OK, OK, Thank you.

Marsh, yes i can afford it and i will call harley. It's not that easy though about moving heaven and earth to get home and take a pay cut to do it. I am an intel officer. If you build cars you live in Detroit, if you are intel and a senior officer you live in DC, and I asked her numerous times to move here. The public schools i am zoned for have metal detectors and the kids have to bring their own toilet paper (I know, whine, whine, whine) and my kids with their silver spoons in their mouths would be eaten alive. And remember I have been, and still technically am, in Plan A.

I will try hard not to drop D letter, but might show her implications of D financially.

I got in this AM and logged onto my my unclas system only to receive a bunch of congratulatory emails that I have been selected as the Commanding Officer of a real plum DIA unit.

I am mystified!

I did not apply, did not send in the required full-length photo, basically ignored the whole blinking thing. I am shocked, I don't see how this could happen!

I know God has a plan for me and it is good. Maybe this is a sign not to drop the bomb this weekend, because i can't figure this out. I don;t now what to do now...

Crap!

Now i get the phone bills for the cell and home.

NC at least for those systems.

How does/would the Command position work geographically?

How much travels involved for the CO?

closer to home jkt.

gotta run. heading home.

gonna follow marsh and ab3's advice for now.

thank you!

Been prayin' for 'ya SWW...

How'd the weekend go?
Update us when you can. Thanks.

thanks for the prayers. will post after am meeting. very confusing 5 days at home.

Well,

I took your advice and did not implement plan B without a solid plan in the works, so i sucked it up and continued plan A for 5 days.

Funny, it seemed to be working. there were glimpses of my former W a few times, we just talked and laughed some, then she would close herself off again completely, like she was catching herself.

She does not want, or at least doesn't want to intitate any physical [censored] with me, not really even a hug, but didn't seem to mind when I did a couple of times.

I admit I did pull an LB at one point when she was acting a little brutish and asked her what her plans were with the kids for the upcoming holidays, that we needed to see who was getting them for Thanksgiving and who for Christmas.

She looked confused, and looked at me and said I thought we would do them all together...

She looks horrible, and i mean awful. She has gained some weight and her skin looks older with more and more lines on her face. I am not saying this to just sound critical, I just noticed the change. She looks depressed.

I told you all about the "abandonment" issue WW brought up. Her childhood was one of basic abandonment by her parents, shipped her to boarding schools, they split up etc. I was reading about "transference" last night and it describes her to a tee. People brought up like this as children often believe this is the way families are supposed to be, they are very unwilling to trust other people, especially as they get closer to them for fear of ultimate rejection, so they close themselves off.

Chaplain stoped by again today and we talked. He told me based on our talking he thinks I have the "rescuer" personality. That I have done it everytime she has screwed up before.

She did ask if I had ever spoken to a lawyer and I said I had, I was preparing for all eventualites should she decide not to reconcile. She asked about it and I gave her the scenario. She lookeed at the ground and said, "well if you want to get ugly about it..."

I said, "no honey, I am just telling you what we can reasonably expect, and alimony for life is not happening, you'll get a couple years, we'll sell the house, divide up time with the kids, you'll have to stop charging on any of my accounts at the country clubs and go as a guest of the kids, life insurance poicies will need to be changed, custody issues discussed etc. etc."

She just looked at the ground, I think in disbelief. I think she really thought I would provide for her forever no matter what.