Hu,

Lildoggie makes a good point. Your BS could look at threads by

lildoggie
wannamoveforward
2b1again

For starters.

YOU would benefit from the thread of Not2L8.

There are lots of folks here willing to help.

Your BS could just start her own thread and title it:

"NON-Religious BS needs help, Hu's wife"

I would help. I'm not particularly religious, and would be more than willing to help her.

Of course, that would mean that she would have to post here, and take that chance that someone besides you would know about the affair. And ultimately, you would have to tell her. Somehow, people here (me included) don't really quite trust that you told her yet.

I worry it isn't true, but I hope it is. I hold out that hope, because I know it really is the only way that your marriage will survive, and that your DD and wife can know the truth of their lives and heal from what must be a devastatingly difficult life and painful marriage right now.

SB

Eeek,

Thanx Schoolbus but I wasnt thinking of me. I do have religious beliefs and am probably a bit too stroppy.

I was thinking more along the lines of Esprit, 2B1 and wannamove forward. I think Kim and bugs dont have any overt spirituality issues as well and might be good. They all seem to be nice gentle ladies.

I dont think any of them would want to talk to Hu tho

Sorry Hu, its just you come across a bit aggressive sometimes, is all.
Anyway, I do hope your 'real' wife comes on, I would be interested to see what shes like after hearing so much about her.

Lil

There are many Christians on this website and their advice and understanding of MB principles is just as valid as non-Christians. I don't believe that hu's wife even knows about his affair and, in reality, his remark stems from his own personal bigotry and hatred of Christians. I won't give credence to his religious bigotry by suggesting only non-Christian posters.

I don't think its appropriate to discriminate against Christians. I suspect non-Christians would not appreciate being told they couldn't post on a certain thread either.

Im not trying to create a Christina/non Christian demarkation, just want to make open an option Hu 'might' like enought to get the real Mrs Hu on here.

And anyway, this is Marriage Builders, not Kingdom Builders

Having said that, once we've saved his marriage, his soul is up for grabs

I don't think he is going to get too far with his religous bigotry, especially on this site. Nor do I believe his wife even knows about his affair or this website. It is HU who hates Christians.

But that is his problem to deal with; the world is not going to hide the Christians in the closet just because some fogged out wayward hates them. He doesn't have the option to ban Christians from posting. The world is not obliged to change to accomodate hu's religious bigotry, I much prefer HE do the changing.

It feels kinda rude talking about Hu instead of to Hu, but since he wont talk to us at the moment I guess this will have to suffice.

Anyway I started thinking about this thread while milking my cows and remembered the religeous nuts thing and wondered how many actual strongly spiritual threads there were on GQ2, and really I didnt come up with very many. For the most part we are all primarily focused on our marriages, with a bit of our beliefs tucked in on the side.

So really, there is no reason that Mrs Hu can't come at all. Especially if, as Hu says, she has been lurking for a little while. She will have by now, been able to identify the threads she does not wish to puruse anymore.

Then when/if she creates a thread of her own and someone comes along wishing to focus on the faith or lack thereof in the HuHouse, why then she can utilise the ignore function.

I think I have managed to resolve this particular issue...or did I miss something?

Hostility...I am not really sure about that one. However a thought I did have was: I have often found myself reading a post and assuming it was written with hostile intent, only to read the exact post some time later and realise that perhaps it could be taken another way. It partially comes from the writing skill of the author but also in the reception of the message by the reader.
How about Mrs Hu just assume we mean good until proven otherwise?

well said

Well said Lil.

ETA I think Hu is also referring to the "koolaid" of MB. I don't think his wife actually has an opinion because she's completely in the dark about Hu's A.

It would behoove Hu to take a look at the "koolaid". Funny thing is, it works. Yes, MB is counter intuitive but it's better than anything else out there. The principles make perfect sense.

I also don't think Hu has told his wife. Her opinions sound just like the opinions he tried to express for her last time, when pretending to be her.

Also, he references a thread on children as being a motivator for him coming clean, but the only one I really saw was started on the 20th, and he says he confessed on the 4th. Go figure on that one. Not proof, but certainly suggestive.

Yeah that's right I am some stupid troll just posting more crap just to find entertainment. That is why there is such a large gap between my posting times.

You know what I'm here looking for information and help. My wife will not post for reasons I listed. Believe them or not I don't care. But our marriage needs help and I am the one here looking for it. But all you folks seem to care about is if I have told her or not and how.

I want to make things better I have come clean she will not post. Those are the facts folks.

H$ll with it I will look other places for help.

Hu, if you are feeling defensive against the members of this forum, why don't you make an appointment with the Hurleys? Their advise is better than ours anyway and you won't have to deal with hostile feelings.

Can you really blame anyone...other than yourself...for not believing you? I mean you pulled the ultimate forum lie by pretending to be your wife and actually posting like you were her.

Save your being offended for when someone actually strikes out against you.

I don't believe you for a second. Why should I?

Good luck finding another place. But you won't...you will just come back here and lie some more. It's what you have done your whole time here...so why change now?

Call the Harley's.

Why not post on that "nicer" board you spoke of earlier? The one where you have posted for months in a state of fog unchallenged? Whats wrong with that place?

I hear tell they shut down any mention of religion real quick over there. Should be right up your alley.

Finding other places to validate you will be quite easy. OMG, Hollywood Now, Entertainment Tonight oh - and the Gloryb web site. Yes - those should make you feel much better.

But will they save your marriage?

People are pointing out that the first step of marital recovery is RADICAL HONESTY - a skill you have not demonstrated yet.

We're inviting you to do that. Radical idea?

He has been posting on a similar board for MONTHS, so I don't know why he is here. He told us they were so much nicer there and he doesn't get challenged. I don't get it.

Well now my feelings are hurt. I thought for a long time about how Mrs Hu could feel better about coming on Mb and what could be respectful compromises and not only did I get ignored, but he went and yelled at someone else.

Hu, you remind me of Flick a little. He ignores people who are saying stuff he cant really argue with, finds the the few things he can sink his teeth into even if they dont really relate to the topic and then does the dog with a chew toy thing.

I could care less about whether or not you have told your wife, the consequences either way are yours to hold, I just wanted to show you that we can address your concerns. After all, isnt that one of the principles of MB...negotiation in a way that makes everyone happy?

Another slightly Flick like thing you are doing is, if you dont like being here and are getting nothing from it, why do you keep coming back and arguing? We havent forced you to come/stay.
Or is it a bit like the old joke...
"A woman was banging her head againgst a wall, when asked why she said " Because it feels so good when I stop" "

Hu,

I cannot really believe a man who seems to me to be so focused and stubborn that you could look your DD in the eye and said, "Well, there was this one place called MB that had many recovered marriages and folks would show me the way through, but they ticked me off and I didn't like them so I didn't post there anymore."

That won't be a drop in her bucket for her shattered family.

If you really have told your BW, then keep posting. Focus on what she's feeling, believing, experiencing right now...know it thoroughly, moment by moment...and fight for your marriage.

Focusing on your ENs, what you aren't getting right now won't save your marriage. May seem so for a few months until your BW finds her incredible and deep anger and leaves you flat. She'll file and take your DD away from you, so you'll only get those few visitation stuff...you'll figure all this out when you're struggling for custody, everything split in half...and experience so much loss, all at one time.

Makes those holes you think you have even bigger...gaping, even.

I don't want that for you...I don't believe anyone here wants that for your marriage. I would love to see you living free from who you were and thriving in a recovered marriage three years from now, with a DD who sings with admiration for her dear father.

And a dear wife who feels deep contentment with her decision to recover her marriage, to forgive so much to get to that thriving place with you, her real partner.

LA

Really???? I have??? Prove that FACT you just stated.

Considering this is the only place I post on this type of topic. Sure MONTHS AGO I posted on ONE different site. Yes it was a OP site. Have not been back there since June! Since that is NOT who I am trying to be anymore.

Why am I here because there is good information here. Just not from you MelodyLane.

*****************************************************

To the others that have posted on this thread.

THANK YOU!!!!!

Yes a lot of you are very tough on me and I deserve it. But a lot of you have given me information I need to try and "fix" my marriage. I know I have issues inside of myself and in the relationship with my wife. That is the reason I still lurk here and try to get information. Because I really don't know what I want at this point, and I need information to determine my path in life. Family is important to me but I do not want to just stay for my child if that means my wife ends up with someone that really does not love her. Since I do agree that parents should set a good example for their children. Right now that is not happening.

Just a FYI on the idea of my wife leaving me. I gave here the facts as to what that would be like. Because her first reaction to my information was to leave. Once I gave her the facts about how all of our lives would change, she was more willing to try. The finance card plays both ways. Let alone the idea of custody and what that would do to our daughter. I did not tell her that to be snotty but just gave her the facts. Because I had gone through the same thinking a few months ago when I was ready to leave for the OW.

********************************************************

LosyGolfer if you could please respond to my calls for help. Since you were involved in an A even longer then mine I NEED your help. I have all kinds of thoughts going through my head that I need to talk through with someone that has been there done that.

********************************************************

So Yes there is a reason I still come here, it is not for the "help" from MelodyLane and her crew. It is to get help from the other people here that actually are willing to help a WS that want to make the effort to fix their marriage.

Thanks for listening.

What OTHER people?

What are OTHER people telling you?? What you want to hear?? That you don't have to tell your wife??

If OTHER people are telling you that you can step over that FIRST step...they are WRONG!

Common decency demands that you tell her.

Shoot...you don't really have a marriage unless you are Open and Honest with her.

You aren't wanting a marriage...you are simply wanting to keep her there...because you fear that this knowledge will give HER the power in the relationship.

The power to make HER decision...and LEAVE.

She will leave your azz...and you can't risk that.

Sounds like a real man to me. :RollieEyes:

committed

Hu:

People post the way they post.

Your getting valuable information around here. This DB is a very SMALL piece of what MB is all about.

Many people have been assisted by the DB, and the ability to explore and expand the information, and get it sometimes in a manner that more directly speaks to the poster. But it's a very SMALL piece of MB.

Have you told your W? You say you did. The way I look at it, I accept that. I don't waste my time on threads were I do not feel that either my message is geting thru or that the intended receipent isn't learning. So, if you haven't, you need to. Believe me, it's the only way to truly move forward. That "bit" of honesty on D-Day between Flamingo and I allowed the rest of recovery to happen.

Had I swept it under the rug, or continued to hide it, there would ALWAYS be this 800 lb invisible elephant in the room. Your BW would "bump" into it all the time, but never be able to fully put it together. Once my BW KNEW, the size and shape of our problems became crystal clear.

Will your BW leave you? Perhaps.
Will the potential Divorce cost you emotional and financially? Yes.
Will you lose access to your daughter? Yes
Will your lose respect of friends and peers who find out (finally) about your actions? Yes.

But EVERYDAY during the A, these outcomes were possible. All you needed to do was make the worng turn while with OW. Have someone see you where you were NOT supposed to be. Have your BW see your cell phone bill, or she answers your cell phone at the in an unguarded moment. You leave your Email open when you think she asleep and your in the bathroom. The OW calls her, because she finally decided that you got off scot-free.

Revealing all to your BW allows you to possibly avoid those outcomes.

Because your BW can deal with honesty, she can't deal with dishonesty. Read 6yearsleft thread. He's the BH who suspects that his WW had an A 10 yesrs ago. He is STILL in limbo. And fully expects to Plan D his W when his youngest graduate from High School in 6 years. He sounds almost exactly where your BW might be right now, and where she will go in the future.

Hu: I DIDN'T tell me BW about my affair. My OW CALLED her and told her about it. She told Flamingo on the phone that morning: "You don't deserve HIM!" She was right. Flamingo deserved SO MUCH better.

Since, and early on, Flamingo has speculated on whether or not I would have EVER told her the truth if OW hadn't called. That's a tough one to answer. Had I NOT found MB? No, I might not have EVER told her. But my A would have continued had I NOT found MB. Probably for another 4.5 years.

But that is who I was THEN. Not who I became after finding MB.

And that honesty that resulted from D-Day has carried us to a much better relationship than I EVER expected.

That honesty JUST did not extend to details about the A. It extended into so many other areas. What I was missing in the M, What she was missing. How we hadn't been building each other up, but tearing each other down. The old resentments and percieved slights from years of marriage that were never addressed. Obviously, the A played a BIG part in this, but even for things that happened early in the relationship and marriage.

Hu? Your here and learning. That's great. I recomend that you call the Harleys and schedule some MC for yourself. They can give you a plan for fixing your M better than ANYONE on the DB. Then, do the MB weekend. That can introduce your BW to the MB concepts and allow you two to develop the vocabulary to discuss the problems in your M.

Like I told you before, Flamingo would NEVER come here and post. She is a much more private woman. However, She KNOWS the MB Concepts, she Read the books, and she doesn't have to come to this DB for recovery.

I hang around because I am trying to "pay it forward"

And, I even learn something....

LG