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#2118563 08/29/08 08:24 PM
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Mulan Offline OP
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August 29, 2008

Dear WH’s Lawyer,

I found out yesterday, when I received an advertisement from some company called *edit out company name*, that I was being sued for divorce by WH, my husband of 26 years.

The papers from your office were handed to me by my 20-year-old son. WH did not have the courage to tell me himself. He allowed our son to serve as messenger boy and suffer his mother’s extreme distress at seeing these documents.

Please feel free to have a process server bring me the documents, as should have been done in the first place. I am beyond shocked that my husband would allow our son to hand me the divorce petition, knowing how upset I would be by it, but sadly I am not surprised.

Your letter is filled with errors and misconceptions:

First: This is an ADULTERY case. WH is a high-level corporate executive with *edit out company name* and he has a very, very long history of freely dating his attractive female co-workers – some of which are his direct reports – and of otherwise feeling free to form “close personal relationships” with them.

The corporate culture where he works, with its many parties, rewards, outings, celebrations, banquets, and “teambuilding” – all of which STRICTLY bars spouses – makes this very, very easy to do. The company is happy to reward its loyal employees by paying for dinners, drinks, Broadway plays, sightseeing and other forms of entertainment for opposite-sex coworkers to do together - not to mention putting them up at the very best hotels together.

WH takes frequent and lengthy business trips, virtually always with at least one attractive female co-worker, and they feel free to indulge in all the fun they want at company expense. He insists he sees nothing wrong with this because “they all work together” and “they work hard so they deserve a reward” and “there’s nothing wrong with it.”

WH’s many years of adultery, and the lies, cruelty and spousal neglect which adultery requires, have been a source of torment, agony and frustration to me, his wife, for many years. WH knows this extremely well, but has remained cold and indifferent to the suffering and damage he was causing to our marriage and to our entire family.

He did absolutely nothing to change his behavior in the workplace, except perhaps to get better about lying and hiding it.

The pain and torment of this drove me into a nervous breakdown with serious symptoms of PTSD, and in early April I ended up spending five days in the voluntary psychiatric ward at *edit* Hospital.

When I got out, I insisted that either he get rid of his girlfriends or I would not socialize with him/share his life anymore, because I was NOT going to part of an arrangement where he had both a wife and girlfriends and I simply could not believe he would ever expect me to.

His reaction to this was to abandon me, abandon the family/marital home, rent a secret apartment, keep his girlfriends, and make an appointment with you.

I knew NOTHING of his plans to divorce me. He moved out of the marital home on June 7, 2008. The ONLY thing he said to me was he just wanted to get away for a while so the fighting would stop. I said that no doubt he would want me to sign divorce papers. He said “he hadn’t thought that far ahead yet.”

I have had absolutely not one word of communication with him in any form whatsoever since about ten days before he left. He did come back once on about June 21 for a brief time – less than an hour – but I left before he arrived so I would not have to watch him strip more items out of our marital home.

This marriage is not “irretrievably broken”. It is infested with WH’s many adulterous relationships from the workplace. I wanted these girls GONE so that WH and I could be a couple and a family once again, as we had been very happily for some twelve years before he started working at *edit company name*.

As you can see, his reaction to that was to keep his girlfriends and file for divorce.

We have had NO discussions about divorce in any way, shape or form.

We have made NO agreements of any kind.

Unfortunately, I still love my husband very much and I do NOT want a divorce. I simply want my husband to come home and take care of his own wife and his own family, and WH knows this very well.

But instead, WH has chosen to punish me for standing up to him about his behavior with women in the workplace. He will take no responsibility for his cheating and lies – that would make him look bad! - so he is forcing that responsibility on me by throwing me under the bus of divorce.

He would rather destroy our family than take responsibility for cleaning up the terrible mess he has made. If there’s no family anymore, then he’s not responsible for the damage to it, is he? Therefore, he has made the choice to destroy the family.

Don’t worry. I’ll take the house. There’s nothing else I can do here. My son and I, and my daughter and her husband and children, are all still a family even if WH has chosen his girlfriends instead of us.

It has irretrievably broken my heart that a man who used to be a truly wonderful husband and father would rather throw his own family onto the garbage heap than get rid of a bunch of trashy girls and clean up his own mess, but that’s what he’s doing and there has never been anything anyone could do to stop him.

Sure, I’ll take the house. WH has proved that he can blithely walk away from a 28-year relationship with two children and two grandchildren and abandon his own family, but I can’t. Sorry. I just can’t.

Thank you
Mulan

Last edited by c00per; 08/29/08 09:12 PM. Reason: edit identifying information

Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
Mulan #2118572 08/29/08 08:45 PM
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(((((((((((((((((Mulan))))))))))))))))))

Sorry this is happening. Lots of folks here have been asking about you.

I know you still love him, but I can't figure out why...........

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Mulan,

Thank you for giving an update. I was worried about you.

The only dignified response to this guy -- or to his lawyer -- is silence.

It's taken me a long time to realize that silence is the only appropriate response to a man who is inconsiderate. A priest once told me that his aunt married a man who became an alcoholic, she separated from him, she always considered herself married, and forty years he returned to her to die of cirrhosis of the liver.

She didn't try to convince him of her love or of his intolerable choice to become an alcoholic. She simply removed herself with a dignified silence.

Cherished

Last edited by Cherished; 08/29/08 09:43 PM.
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Mulan,

My heart goes out to you! I have a lot of respect for you and admire how far you have come.

I learned so much from the gaslighting thread(s) about my H and myself as well. Very informative and I thank you for it(I don't remember if you started the thread but I remember your contributions). You are much stronger because of that information than you would have been without it. It still must be hard and I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.

Hang in there. And thanks for the update. I have wondered since your update a few months ago when things were unstable.


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(((Mulan)))

So sorry for you to see this turn of events.


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
Mulan #2118595 08/29/08 09:46 PM
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Aloha Mulan,

Hugz 2 u and your famly.

I am very sorry to hear of your situation. Still you manifest strong resilience.

Your response letter to the Ws' lawyer was done with truth and character. You clearly laid it all out for his office to see.

It does hurt my heart to hear the steps some are willing to take to push their need for power and control upon others. Ws' are notorious for it and in some cases it leeches out to others.

I hope your family rallies to your support and that you take what rightly belongs to you and your family.

One day he may come around and that day will certainly be an eye opener.

Continue as the lady of grace that you are.

Take care,
Orchid

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Hi Mulan,

You are often in my thoughts. Please remember to be kind to yourself, and do try to now use your thoughtful advice offered to others here over the years.

Your WS HAS made a choice...which shows that he does NOT value you nor your family.... please, you are paying too high a price, unless or until he CHOOSES otherwise.

Plan D may not be what you want, it may be what you need.

(((((((((((((((((MULAN))))))))))))))))))

Last edited by lunamare; 08/29/08 09:50 PM.

XBW
DS16 & DS22
PLAN D: finalized!
Mulan #2118613 08/29/08 10:42 PM
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I am so sorry for what you are going thru. You deserve so much better than him.

Most of the time on here I see men who put up with WW that have no regard for them and I feel like kicking them in the butt.

In your case I will just say you should move on and he is not a good person who does not deserve you. Again, I am sorry for your pain. I hope that you can recover.

Mulan #2118615 08/29/08 10:47 PM
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Mulan, I am so sorry to learn of this turn of events, but I am so glad that you posted again, as I've been worried about you.

It sucks to still love someone who is not worthy of your love.

I hope that you will get a bulldog of an attorney and fight for everything to which you are entitled, even though I know you do not want the divorce. You should not have to live in any kind of poverty because he wants everything.

Take care of yourself, Mulan, and please keep posting!

((((((Mulan))))))


"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"

BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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Mulan, thanks for the update. I have often thought of you and wondered what was going on with your WH. It's so much better for you not having him there to throw his Affairs in your face. I hope you fall out of love and get to a point that you don't want his drama around you. One day he will wake up to the damage he caused but it looks like it will be a long time yet. Take care of your mental and physical health - things could get nasty (ier).
TT


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(((Mulan))) We have been so worried about you.


Faith

me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
Mulan #2118758 08/30/08 11:12 AM
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Mullan:

I have not followed you story at length. That said, I have a somewhat different set of thoughts after reading your letter to WH's lawyer.

It works like this;

Men, males, whatever, are heavily influenced by their work environment. They spend eight or more hours a day under the sway of a culture that is set by those in charge of the workplace, those who set policy, performance and goals. Those same individuals decide what conduct is or isn't appropriate in the process of achieving company goals for profit and stockholder or owner value.

Given the committment most men make to their work, those same men would find it very, very difficult to resist a workplace environment calculated and I mean calculated, to encourage the bonding of male/female fellow employee relationships. This would work to destroy the families of those same employees on the altar of company success, in theory. In fact, a lack of ethics in the workplace can have the opposite effect given that said employees might very well spend company time focusing on extramarital hanky panky instead of work.

I think you have a lawsuit. Find a pitbull Attorney and see if he/she (more likely she) agrees.

Larry

Mulan #2118779 08/30/08 12:29 PM
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Oh Mulan...

I'm so very sorry to hear about this...I've also been very worried about you...

(((((Mulan)))))

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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Mulan,

I'm sorry you are going through this. I worked for a company with the same culture and it was disgusting. They had several SH suits filed against them, but they never seemed to learn.

If the company you are talking about is in the East, then it may be the one I worked for. I agree, you may have a lawsuit but you'll probably have to stand in line....


BS - me 56
XWH - 57

12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.

6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.

9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me

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Mulan,

I'm so sorry to read this. I agree that you need to retain a pitbull of an attorney so you're legally protected, do not spare expense on getting THE best. You can not trust your husband to look out for your interests. You have to be your own protector emotionally and financially.

I'm praying for you, honey.

Jo

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Mulan,

I think your letter is probably posted on that legal office's bulletin board!


I know that every single person in that office read it, because it states facts that people have wanted to say and NEVER SAY.

You nailed it. I say, KUDOS TO MULAN.

I hope that your WH reads it - I have no doubt his lawyer will show it to him. If nothing else, your WH will have those words from you stuck in his head, and he will NEVER BE ABLE TO UNRING THAT BELL.


SB


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
Mulan #2118997 08/31/08 10:46 AM
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Mulan,

SMB and I are so relieved to hear from you.

{{{{{{{{{{{Mulan}}}}}}}}}}}






Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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eeeeeww, your husband is a slimeball. eeeeeewwww. ptuey. feh.
(sorry for all the big words.)

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He is a slime ball POS and Iwill be so happy when Mulan realizes she does not need him for her happiness.

Mulan, I think of you often. You are so much more valuable than you know.

weaver #2119273 09/01/08 01:05 PM
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Mulan Offline OP
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Thank you all very much for responding.

I've posted before about boundaries. I know there's one on the "Notable Posts" thread. I hope all realize that this is a chance you take when you finally hold to your boundary and refuse to back down.

By not backing down I've been sued for divorce, but at least I still have a half-shred of self-respect. That's way more than I can say for WH.

I've done the best Plan B ever - 100% dark and silent - since approximately June 1. Y'all would be proud.

Two observations:

Pexeva and Ativan are two of the best things ever invented. Really.

Thank the gods I live in a community property state.

thanks again
Mulan


Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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