Flick, whatever happened to writing out your Extra-Ordinary Precautions?

I posted mine. You commented that they looked like a great starting point for yours. Are you ready to post yours here?

Also, wanted to ask how you are doing with this section of "Radical Honesty"??



Here's a quote from Dr. Harley:

CURRENT HONESTY

"In good marriages, couples become so interdependent that sharing a daily schedule is essential to their coordination of activities. But in weak marriages, couples are reluctant to provide their schedules, because they are often engaged in an assortment of Love Busters. They may know that their spouses would object to their activities, so they tell themselves, What they don't know won't hurt them. They have what I call a "secret second life."

But there are many who really have nothing to hide; yet they feel the need for privacy. They are offended when their spouse asks where they've been or what they've done. They feel that their spouse should trust them, and not assume the worst.

I'm dead-set against privacy in marriage, because it creates an unnecessary barrier to problem solving. When you and your spouse married, two became one. That means that prior to marriage, you had no one but yourself to consider when you made choices, and now you have each other to consider. There should be no part of your life that is off limits to your spouse, because literally everything that either of you do will ultimately affect each other. Privacy breeds incompatibility because it represents a part of your life that is off limits to accommodation.

Even when activities are innocent, it's extremely important for your spouse to understand what you do with your time. Be easy to check up on and find in an emergency. Give each other your daily schedules so you can communicate about how you spend your time. Since almost every thing you do will affect your spouse, it is important to explain what it is you do."

thank you, thank you, thank you....I copied/pasted this for the sweet hubby too!

I copied that for my WH to read also. Hopefully, it will get through.

I took my sweet time about writing these, thanks for the reminder to get it done. I copied a lot of your one TST, they are very good, I also added several of my own that fit our situation.


Extraordinary Precautions:

a) I am responsible to protect my wife at all times.
b) I will give full access of all my business records to my wife.
c) I will agree to give all passwords, account codes business and personal to my wife.
d) I will not put myself in an advice giver role with another woman, unless my wife is present and has given her prior approval.
e) I will defer to my wife as the advice giver when it involves another woman, unless she specifically calls on me.
f) I will not spend any time alone with another woman with out the approval of my wife.
g) I will not share my problems or concerns with another woman.
h) I will not share my infirmities with another woman.
i) I will openly share my daily schedule with my wife.
j) At any time she requests, I will trade cell phones with my wife for the time she deems necessary.
k) I will allow only men to provide individual counselling
l) I will always defer to my wife regarding any outside activity and will agree to eliminate any activity she feels is interfering in our relationship or the relationships of our children.
m) I will not travel out of town for business or personal reasons without making frequent contact with my wife.
n) When travelling without my wife, or a member of the church, I must stay at least 100 kilometres away from OW place of residence.
o) I will not go to the store where the OW and I used to work without my wife
p) If the OW makes contact with me I will immediately inform my wife and show her all text messages, emails etc.
q) If I start to have “feelings” for another woman, despite these precautions, I will immediately tell my wife.
r) I will return home after work and not stop off to visit people on the way home.
s) I will not install or operate messaging type programmes on the computer in my radio shack.
t) If at any time my wife desires it, I will enable GPS tracking of my cell phone.

Hi tst
Radical Honesty - I think I am getting the hang of it. It really is a very simple idea but putting it in to practice and doing it all of the time takes a little bit of getting used to. I am telling Lil about everything that I do and, and I am telling her a lot more about the things I am thinking than I used to. Still I know that I could still tell her more, just need to keep being radically honest about everything and at some stage it will become second nature.

Those sound good, Flick, way to go!

I just wanted to drop in and say hello. Hope things are going well for the two of you.

Just want to say that the OW in my A was not at all like that. She never made any special effort as far as cooking or dressing to please me. Her house was a bit dirty and her animals ran wild in the house, on the kitchen bench and all. She spent most of her time on the internet and only changed out of her PJs if she had to leave the house.

She also never said anything negative about my wife, not to me.

I AM NOT TRYING TO DEFEND HER. But I'm sure it sounds like I am.
I just want to let you know the way it was.

At first the OWs animals and her dressing in PJs were acceptable to me but as time drew on and reality started to creep in, I started to see that she was not the right woman for me.

There were things that we did together that were very enjoyable, and I'm not talking about the bedroom, I am talking about things like taking the dogs for a walk down to the park and going for a walk in the bush and exploring a tunnel that the army had left behind in a training exercise. In short OW was filling my need for RC. Now that is my wifes role and we are enjoying doing similar things, but we don't walk dogs together, we only have a cat and he won't let us put a collar on him, ha ha ha.

I know that what I did and what the OW did is wrong, but I will not spend my time putting her down, she is as human as you and I and I do not have the right to judge her - that is Gods job.

I do not need to "destroy the OW" I need to recover my marriage.

Believer, your original post is ,I guess, a portrait of a typical A, and it is very good.

I remain comitted to NC
I remain committed to restoring my marriage.

I had a thought the other day.

"Men want to have sons, partly because their wifes do not fulfill mens need for recreational companionship"

I have two daughters, I always wanted to have a son but that never came about. I am very happy with my girls.

It was just a thought and not really about me. Just something that came to me while I was at Promise Keepers.


What do the rest of you think?

Well, Flick, I guess we women look at things differently than men. In my life, I have been hit on by several married men. For most healthy women, that is a no-no. There are too many available single men. And most women feel a sisterhood with other women.

You say that the attraction was walking the dog, exploring caves, etc. That doesn't seem enough to decide to leave your wife and family. I urge you to look into yourself and figure out the "why" of the affair. Dave Carder in his book "Torn Asunder" talks about the message of the affair. Very often it doesn't involve sex.

Personally I think you may have the white knight in shining armour syndrome - just a good man who was trying to help a damsel in distress. But I don't really know you, so you will have to search for the reason.

I like your bike, and glad that you bought it. Hope that you have many days of riding pleasure.

Hello
things are going great, Lil just got her new motor bike yestreday and she is teaching me how to ride at low speed, ha ha ha.

I just got back from a weekend away, at Promise Keepers, and I was so pleased to be back home. I hated the weekend away, I just wanted to be at home with Lil, I missed her. We couldn't stop texting each other all weekend.

Hope things are going good for you two too.

Flick - we posted at the same time.

But I would like to hear more about PK and you wanting a son.

To me, personally, this is a HUGE EP and it makes me happy for Lil to see that this is one of yours. I think that many separations and PA's could be avoided if this EP was used often.

Things are going well over on this continent also...thanks for asking. Just trucking along...doing better some days than others, you know how it is. I saw a pic of her bike...it's awesome. Ike and I have been talking about getting a bike...or a moped...LMAO. Something for us to ride around and laugh on...you know.

I'm with B, I want to hear about you wanting a son.

Glad to see you working on these.

I do have a few suggestions:


f) I will not spend any time alone with another woman with out the approval of my wife.
(it is no longer acceptable for you or me to be alone with another woman....we never should have allowed that behavior in the past and never need it to exist in the future)Make sense? Our job is to protect our spouse!!! Hence, EP's!

m) I will not travel out of town for business or personal reasons without my wife's enthusiastic agreement and making frequent contact with my wife.
Do you need to travel out of town for business?

You need to, at minimum, eliminate traveling alone for personal trips! Your not single, you are married. Make sense? Either find a way to make the personal trips with your wife or don't go. Might seem harsh, but this is how you protect your wife.

n) When travelling without my wife, or a member of the church, I must stay at least 100 kilometres away from OW place of residence.
Again, you shouldn't be traveling alone.

o) I will not go to the store where the OW and I used to work without my wife
Is it necessary to go to this store for any reason? If not, then change this to "Never for any reason".


Any thoughts?

****edit****

Still waiting to hear about your desire for a son and PK.

OK I see your point, but Lil and I have decided that the wording will stay as it is. The times when I will possibly be alone with women might include when I am doing relief farm work (this is only very intermittent and generally I work alone). Also my recording work requires me to pick-up and deliver product to a mainly female client base, they are also, almost entirely, without exception over the age of 65, Lil is not threatened by them and feel ill just thinking about it. There is currently one woman who Lil will allow me to be with socially, she is 70 and her husband is an elder in the church – generally I go to visit him but sometimes he has had to pop out for a little while so I have a cup of tea while waiting for his return.


OK this time we will change the wording. We will add “enthusiastic agreement” apart from that it stands.
Yes I do need to travel out of town for business sometimes, my investment advisor and lawyer and my rental property are all in Wellington (our capital city) and there are very good reasons for not changing them. Also when I am in Wellington I always stay with my mother and maintain regular contact with Lil.
As far as personal trips without Lil, I see your point but because of Lils work commitments there are times when I will travel out of town alone for personal trips. Keep in mind that the towns around us are only 10 minutes apart and are small so travelling out of our town is unavoidable. Longer (overnight) personal trips are always family based and when Lils contract expires in 9 months time she will join me on those that she has missed in the past. She is already attending more than in the past.


Same answer as above. And are you suggesting that I stop attending events with the church mens group? I doubt that you are.


Yes it is necessary. Small town, few shops. And the OW doesn’t work there anymore, and lives many many miles away, there is only a very slight chance that I would see her there if she was visiting her friends at the store, if Lil is with me we would both be out the door like a rocket.


Yes the difference in the nature of the geography of New Zealand and (what I know of) America, means that we do tend to travel from town to town to do such simple things as visit friends for an afternoon or go to a shop that does not exist in our own town. These trips would be no different to most Americans travelling from the outskirts of a large town/city to the centre of the city. We just haven’t gotten around to filling the gaps up on the map

OK I need to make something really clear - - I do not want any more children now.

I always liked the idea of having a son. It would have been nice to be able to teach my son how to fish and shoot as badly as I do it would have been nice also to have my son in my scout troop. It would also have been very satisfying to know that I had done my part in carrying on the family name. Oh well stiff sh1t, we had one kid together and she has a genetic fault, so we decided to put the brakes on the baby making machine. So it is something I think about from time to time and particularly at events like PK.

Promise Keepers was a bit of a let down this year. It is the third one I have been to and this year I found that the speakers were very very similar to last year and there was no truely new material. Also I found that one of the speakers, who was talking on marriage, was saying a bunch of stuff that does not line up with MB philosophy. The basic idea that he was preaching was that "if anything is wrong with a marriage it is the husbands fault". MB says that marriage is two equal shares I am responsible for my 50% and my wife is responsible for her 50%.
He was also saying that men should take charge of all areas of the household and only use their wifes as cooks, cleaners, secretaries and supplementary income earners. What happened to that smart chick in Proverbs 31????

Mostly I like the PK events but this year just wasn't where I wanted be be. I missed my wife and wanted to be at home with her.
I think I will skip PK next year, but will decide that when next year comes.

Hello Darling,

As discussed..

Tst Thread

Love you
xx

Flick,

The entire point of EP's is to make your wife feel safe. If you have given this list to your wife and allowed her to make ALL the changes that make her feel safe, then you have completed the task. I would suggest you review these with Lil every month for 6 months and see if she needs you to add anything to your list.

If you are discussing things together and defaulting to what Lil wants/needs on your list to make her feel safe, then you are doing well.

Sorry to hear PK did not live up to all you had expected.