This makes me question if SHE'S already checked out of the marriage as well.

A SAHM who has all day long to herself, with no visible "work" to show for the day, who then reacts with apparent indifference/unconcern at the news that her H has been involved in a long-drawn out affair...tells me that she's no longer emotionally involved in the marriage.

Which suggests that she's potentially emotionally involved somewhere else...having those EN's that Hu's been neglecting for all these years fed by someone who IS fulfilling them.

Its something to consider...

Owl,

I thought exactly the same thing. After all, the likely scenario is that Hu has been spending so much time with his OW that his wife has figured out what he's been doing.

And his wife - had enough of his attitude and sense of entitlement, and decided she could do the same thing. Not an uncommon situation.


That would be too bad. Because it would make this thing very difficult for their child, who in the end is the one to suffer most of all, if this turns out to be the case.

SB

First off thanks to everyone (even ML) that has replied.

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Some of you have mentioned that maybe she has moved on and that maybe something else is going on. You are not the only person that has said this to me. Could be could be not I don't see cash being moved out of the accounts or anything strange on phone bills. She is a computer noob so I know nothing is going on there.

I will say the reaction the news has me a bit befuddled. Because it is NOT the response I see from BS on this site. I was prepared for one thing and got another. I have been thinking about this a bit and I want an opinion.

My wife is not American by birth she is from the middle east. I don't know if that effects how she thinks about this situation. She very much just wants to get things back to normal.

She is very emotionally attached to HER family, not OURS. I do feel that over the years she has directed a lot of her emotional energies in that direction. She never really made the commitment to OUR family, she is still very much part of her larger family.

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She has only asked me basic questions.

Did I kiss her - Yes
Did I sleep with her - Yes
Did I love her - Yes
Did I go to her home - NO
Did she come to our home - NO

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For those of you that keep stating I am selfish etc.... Your right I will argue the fact. I will say though I was in a wayward mind set months before I ever meet the OW. Things in my marriage had deteriorated to a point I was looking for someone else. That person came along.

But (yes always the but) I continued to still spend time to keep my wife happy. We did the EN's LB's questionairs and I meet the needs and continued to always meet them.

I am now really starting to realize how much the OW supplemented my marriage and filled in those needs my wife does not. Should I of communicated better YES, but I did not and I own up to that.

Remember I did not spend time outside of work on this woman. It was very much an intense EA with a PA component. Most interactions with through IM, e-mail and Phone.

So I did not "steal" time from my family. Since I did successfully compartmentalize these two lives.

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Now here is the problem I am interested in hearing opinions on.

Unlike a lot of BS here that seem to fight tooth and nail to keep their marriage and improve it my wife is not doing that. I am the one finding the books, scheduling the MC sessions, reading the internet. I continue to ask her if she needs me to answer any questions. I continue to meet the needs that she outlined she has.

She is not taking an active interest in trying to improve anything. She seems to just want things back to how they have always been. Which I already know by history will lead me back to wayward land.

So how do I engage her into improving things?

Edit: Before someone says be honest and tell her, for the (whatever time) I have already told her!

Maybe I can tell you why!

As a BS, we did not think our marriage was broken when you began your A. It seemed good to us and we were happy. You broke something that we loved. You took from us something we cherished. WE CAN'T SEE IT THE WAY YOU DID. I'm not yelling at you...just trying to get you to see. Really, I'm trying to get my H to see. Anyway, back to you. She was probably happy before -- her version of happy. If you still were meeting her needs she had no reason to think otherwise.

Just to state I don't think of myself a "morally superior" to anyone on here. I do have a strong difference of opinion, especially when it comes to religious values and reasoning.

I will say though the "moral fabric" of this site has taken a beating with some of the recent threads. That do have me questioning the opinions of some of the people here.

But I do value feedback from quite a few folks here, so I continue to come. I attitude does continue to change. Will I ever be as humble as some of you would like, not likely. But I do try to learn and change, which I was not willing to do when I first came here.

WHAT did you tell her EXACTLY? Did she get the typical sanitized, SPUN, half assed version that most waywards spin in order to cover their [censored] and minimize the fallout?

That makes sense and does kind of go with some comments I have gotten from her.

I am really struggling here trying to get the message across that things were not good(my point of view). I just never said anything. That to be better in the future they need to change.

And frankly, I don't believe you told her because all of her so-called "complaints" about this forum just happen to be the exact same things that YOU SAID. ["too religious", "attacking" blah,blah, blah] That is what made me NOT believe you and I still don't believe you.

I have learned when things don't add up coming from a wayward it is because there is deceit.

That would explain WHY she is not interested in recovery. She doesn't even KNOW the depth and the breadth of the REAL PROBLEM. She is perfectly happy with the status quo and doesn't understand the real trouble her marriage is in.

That would explain WHY she has no interest in recovery: SHE DOESN'T KNOW HER MARRIAGE IS SICK!

so no, I don't believe you told her. Her reactions do not ring true.

Can I give you the short version? I did not write it down so I cannot give you verbatim.

I told her I had something I needed to tell her, it was something she was not going to like hearing.

I then told here I had a 3 year emotional affair that did get physical.

I told her where I meet the OW and how long we worked together and the yes the A continued after I left that job.

I told her that talked to the OW every day (M-F) after work.

I told her I IM'd her all day long.

I told her yes we meet at lunch at motels.

I told her husband found out and made it stop.

I told her what the OW meant to me.

Enough un-sanitized for you?

Asked her if she had any questions after that. For about a week she did. After that nothing. Just went back to "normal". She did not want details of SF. The emotional part was more important to her, honestly it was to me also.

And strangely she comes here and forgets all her devastation and instead focuses on the religious zealots and, ignoring all your attacks on others, sees "attacks" on you where there are none. How odd.

Sorry to tell you this but those "complaints" are real. That is one thing we do have in common. She very much dislikes people that are overly religious and righteous.

I don't want to go around with you on this again and again. I am asking for help and you don't want to help me, fine. You don't have too, but I do value opinions and suggestions from other folks here.

Honest question for you ML, do you want me to leave the forum?
Because you seem to really dislike me and instead of trying to help me you just want to parse my comments to find fault. That frankly is a waste of your time, why do it?

Did I flare up at you when I first posted here YES I DID. That was how long ago? Are you going to continue to hold a grudge for something I did when I first came here in early summer? If so tell me, because I thought this site was about marriage building and I am now here looking for that information.

I will admit I was in a DEEP DEEP fog (maybe still am) but I need assistance. Plan and simple.

ya know, hu7668, if you are lying about your wife knowing, the only person who gets cheated is YOU, because your marriage will NEVER CHANGE under those conditions.

She will have no motivation to change it as long as she doesn't know there is a problem. So, if you are lying or if you have even cut corners with the truth, you cheated yourself.

HALF MEASURES WILL AVAIL YOU NOTHING.

It has nothing to do with my personal feelings about you, hu7668, it has to do with my distrust of you. See, you will be wasting your time and the time of the people on this forum if you have not even taken the first step and been honest with your wife.

No one can help you under those conditions. And I happen to know you have tried for some time to get help for your marriage while keeping your wife ignorant of your affair. You believed this was possible. And I suspect you still believe it.

But no, I do not believe the "complaints" you attributed to your wife. Those were YOUR complaints.

If I didnt want to help you, I wouldn't be hammering your HARD [censored] HEAD about the importance of HONESTY. [recall, I was the one who got you admit you hadn't told your wife] I would just ignore that and blabber some cute words at you like others do. But I DO CARE, I just don't care about "helping" someone spin their wheels. I am not into wasting time.

Hu,
I apologize if I yelled at you...I took my son to guitar and have returned with a less abrasive way of explaining this to you.

I have explained to my H that I see marriage on a ten point scale. If you are truely lucky you have gotten all 10 of your points satisfied. This is most likely not a reality since we are human beings and rarely get everything right.

So, prior to my H's EA, I saw our marriage as a 7 out of 10. There were three points that H was not quite getting in order to make me completely happy. But, because the other 7 were so good, I was willing to push the others aside and concentrate on what good I did have. I did not choose to augment our marriage in order to satisfy my other 3 points. He, on the other had, must have also been missing a point or two. This was not communicated effectively to me. So, rather than do the right thing, he chose to get his other points met with another person. HE never even gave me a chance to fix what I did not realize needed fixing. This is a really tough point to get over from where we stand.

So, you took the easy way out. She will be disappointed in you for that.

Hu, you mention your wife is middle eastern. Depending on her upbringing, this could have a major impact on what is going on in her mind. I have a middle eastern friend who is in an arranged marriage. For the most part, it has worked very well but she has had problems recently (not infidelity). They have both been in Canada a long time and are very Canadian now, but their family traditions remain. Despite some fairly serious issues, I don't think either one of them will pull the D card anytime soon. See, they have been taught that marriage is a permanent arrangement. Like parent-child relationships. They suck at times, but it doesn't change the fact that you are still family.

The reason I'm describing this is because she may simply be taking this as a period of time that sucks. But she's still your wife and you are still her husband. Despite being surrounded by people who D at the drop of the hat, it just isn't an option for her. It would be like divorcing her parents or her child. So, she tries to make the best of it. But you, being from a different culture, are not willing to accept a relationship that's not working. You want to fix it. This can be a source of serious comminication breakdown since neither of you are speaking from the same well of experience.

You may want to do some research into her culture and background. Try and find out if she is seeing different options than you. Then the hard part - bridging the communication gap. But you can't do that until you know for sure where she is standing.

Hey Hu,

I dont know for sure about this telling your wife or not, I think I'll leave that up to ML. I'll just concentrate on your marriage.

So, do you understand plan A?? Does your wife understand the repercussions of EN's not being filled within a marriage. Have you been able to explain to her in a way SHE understands, whether thats by considering her gender or culture or whatever. Apart from the EN and LBQ's what other aspects of MB does she understand?

There is a degree of righteousness here regarding MB, its actually a good thing. MB works. It would be a very good thing if you could encourage your wife to come on board as if she could get advice without it being filtered by you (and I not implying it would be something you would do deliberatly, just I know that info between flick and I has this happen)it may be more of a help to you both.

Hey Hu,

Havent heard from you for a while.

Hows it all going? You and your BW... Or are you still pippy at us??

Not much is going on right now. My wife's mother is severely sick so she is concentrating on that right now.

I am just moving forward one day at a time.

did you really tell your wife yet? really? really???? time to get real.

I hope your MIL's is doing better. It is tough when our parents get older. My FIL died 7 years ago and my MIL is failing in health. My parents are younger than DH's but it is hard watching them get old and have more health issues and not be able to do anything about it. If you would like, I will add your family to my prayers.
Suam