Back when I first came to MB, I was suspecting my H was having an EA with a co-worker. We have always been very close, very affectionate and spend a LOT of time together. He has always come home straight after work, never heading to go out, but choosing to come home to his family. We have had out ups and downs (as presented on the EN board), but this was not something I would have ever dreamed would take place in our marriage. I meet his ENs (according to him) and we are very passionate about each other.

When I was put on bed rest the last month of my pregnancy )baby is now almost 4 months old), my H pretty much checked out of our marriage. He was rarely home, working a TON, and when he was home, he was up all night on his laptop. Then he started insisting that he had to attend a bar with co-workers after work on Fridays for a new team they had formed. When I asked him why NOW, since I was on bedrest and still had 3 other kids to care for, he claimed it was because he needed to "get in" with these certain people for a huge project he was working on.

One night I had to go to the hospital for preterm labor. I was there for several hours and upon coming back home, doped up on meds to keep the labor at bay, he packed his bag for an overnight retreat at the beach for work. I didnt ask him to stay, because this was a retreat that he had been working on and attends each summer and since its his "baby", he couldnt put someone else in charge to run it. I accepted that, but in my heart, I was hoping he would have at least asked me if he thought he should stay, as the meds made me loopy. I take responsibility for not flat out asking him to stay, however.

For the first time ever (he goes on about 5 overnight retreats a year, with various different teams), I ask him who was attending the retreat. He names off the list, all men and then says "some older teacher gal". I assumed that meant it was one of the teachers a lot older than us, and didnt think much of it. I knew her name, and that was it. He only called me once the entire trip - and I had just been released from the hospital!! He called me 11 in the morning and had JUST GOT UP - how is that working??? They went out for a nice dinner, had a big bonfire on the beach (drinking together). It just didnt set well with me. When I ended up meeting her by chance one day when I went to his work, it clicked. She is just a few years older than we are. Petite, not unattractive - and she seemed very unnerved meeting me impromptu the way it happened. When I asked him again "is that the older gal on the retreat", he blushed and said yes. Then it all started to click.

I did something I had never done before and checked his email on his work laptop. What I found was unsettling. Several emails from this woman, gushing about how wonderful, fantastic and intelligent my husband was. A few about her loveless marriage, a few about how hard it is for her, and must be for him, to be married to people who do not understand their profession. He never wrote anything bad about me, as far as I found, but a lot of the emails were replies and the originals had been deleted, so lots of bits and pieces.

Then the big one. She sent him an email email telling him how the bonfire was teh best night of her life. Not her wedding day, not the births of her kids, but a night with MY husband??? I was in complete and utter shock. Complete. I confronted him immediately about what I found and he told me it was nothing. He didnt get upset, or angry or bothered that I checked his email. I explained to him pretty well, why I felt the need to look, and that my feelings were confirmed by what I found. He told me I was "reaching". He admitted that he lied about who she was because he was afraid I would get upset if I found out he had gotten a new female friend. They have worked together for years, even before we met, but she started having a crappy time in her marriage and started attaching herself to my H, then joined two of his teams - so instead of them seeing each other maybe twice a month, now they work together daily. She bombarded him with accolates and attention, both of what he was missing at home because I was sick and on bed rest for the last of my pregnancy. Not wanting to be the jerk husband who is flirting with with other women while his wife has his baby, he told me he would tell her that they could no longer be friends - strictly professional from here on out. He told her it was because she was his boss, not because I was uncomfortable with it. He still to this day claims it was NOTHING and that he does NOT have any feelings for her and never did.

Well, this is what I came across his laptop this weekend. This was from 4 months ago, but 3 days after the beach retreat they went on.

She calls me friend

Walking the beach n

Watching the fire

Spying her conversation

She calls me friend

Hearing her speech

Leaning against the tire

Could it be indiscretion

Friends hanging

A touch , a look, a smile

Why now

How could this be

Back at the Œtel

Avoiding the morals

Focusing on the present

Focusing on the freedom

She calls me friend

Same as saying no

Finally close

She calls me friend

Friends hanging

A touch, a look, a smile

Why now

How could this be

She calls me friend

She calls me friend


I confront him the moment I found this (I had to wake him, he was sleeping). He claims again, this is nothing, and that I am reaching - looking too much into it. Claims this was a poem he wrote because of a dream he had, so he decided to write it down (he had emailed it from a personal account of his to his work account).

What now? I told him that unless he was completely honest with me, and admits this was about her - that I wont be able to heal and move on. He 100% denies it.

**EDIT**

I know it hasnt gone physical. There are too many other people (that I trust) in attendance. They have not been alone.

He cant just go get a new job. He doesnt work in the type of profession that makes that possible.

He tells me she means nothing, never has. Tells me he wants nothing on earth more than to be with me forever - that he is in this for the long haul. He hasnt placed blame on me - because he flat out denies anything ever took place. He apologized for her inappropriate emails and claims he told her no more friendship. I havent seen anything to dispute that. This poem was from back when this all took place, so its opened a fresh wound for me. I do not believe they are carrying on anymore, but I am going to have a very, very hard to getting past this if he wont admit what this WAS at one point.

BTDT. I thought the same way too. Listen, if two people want to "get busy", they will find a way to do it. My FWW found several ways.



You are letting your fear speak for you. At the very least, contact the OWH and let him know what's going on.

Men don't right poems like that "from dreams". He's trying to gaslight you, and isn't doing a very good job of it either. This sounds like an EA, and quite likely it's a PA.

**************edit********

It makes me sick they work together. It really does.

Other than that brief time, I know where my H is at all times. Its just the way we are. I have never had an issue of his time being unaccounted for. We are on messenger all day, we talk several times a day, I know his schedule, etc... he works right down the street. I have never once been upset by him not being where he says he is...

*******************edit***********

I do not plan on exposing it to his boss or his parents. This is between us. I have no idea who or how to get ahold of the OW's husband. I dont even know his name.

I do not believe anything has taken place between them since I uncovered it and demanded he tell her they could no longer be anything but strictly professional. He put his attentions back to me as soon as I brought it out. I believe had things continued the way they were going and I didnt confront him, that something may have very well taken place. But I do believe I got to him in time.

Really what I want from him is to admit that he DID have feelings for her, that the poem was indeed, about her - before I can move on. He swears up and down nothing happened and I dont think he will ever admit even an ounce. THAT is what I cant deal with.

It sounds to me like you are rationalizing inaction. Why not just tell him you want him to take a polygraph to prove that nothing happened. His reaction will be telling. But don't bluff. Schedule the test and go through with it.

Are you serious? People actually do that?

**EDIT**

Gee, thanks. I didnt realize infidelity was so black and white.

G
Is your husband a teacher??

He is a high school principal.

Yes, people do that and it seems to almost always achieve the desired end result...i.e. core dump of details.

There are members of this board who have used a polygraph that has revealed multiple hidden affairs and lying concerning the affair in question.

I would recommend that you keep reading in the JFO and GQII forums here, and then reread your own posts. Your situation basically shouts serious emotional connection, and its extremely unlikely that it will be severed when you are not willing to implement any boundaries with your husband.

Men do not write poems about bonfires on the beach with other married women, if there is nothing going on. Maybe it didn't turn physical, but it is absolutely emotionally charged. The connection will only get stronger as they see each other as forbidden fruit, until they cannot take it anymore. There are literally HUNDREDS of stories here that illustrate this.

At the very least, you need to expose this to her husband. If you have her full name, you can do a person search on the internet to get her information. It may cost you $15, but you should also get a home phone number and relatives. Pick her husband out of the list and make the call. He will be able to monitor her and help keep them apart.

But in all honesty, if you are willing to let them continue working together, your fate is sealed. Its just a question of when.

Wow. If SHE is HIS boss, shes pretty up there in the ranks of teacherdom. Even if there is NO AFFAIR going on, her conduct is totally unprofessional and could cost her her job if HER superiors are notified.

I too, think something is going on. I'd keep snooping, regardless of what your husband says. I KNOW it is scary to read something that would break your heart. I take that chance all the time, and I can't stand it, but I GOTTA know the truth.

Good luck G.

Its a scary thought, Andrew. I wish I had a way to make him admit to me that he did have feelings for her at some point without me having to act like the police.

He is her boss. Not her direct boss, but one of her superiors.

I heard a quote once that people will believe something because they either want it to be true, or they fear it is true.

Despite evidence to the contrary, he has told you that it was nothing. I think you WANT this to be true so badly that it is clouding your judgment. If you let him off the hook and accept this answer, you do yourself a grave injustice. If you don't take whatever steps are necessary to deal with the fact that your husband got emotionally involved with another married woman, you can expect things to go fine right up until the moment he unexpectedly leaves.

Believe me, I know how much it sucks to have to play fidelity police, but you have only 1 chance to recover from this the right way.