Me either. If you want an example of how I responded to a beaten down BS, look at the threads concerning TST and SMB. While I understood SMB, she did not get a free pass.

Like MEDC says, some folks drop into life long depression and/or commit suicide. I think these would tend to be the folks who feel they have no real choice, especially if the wayward ran off w/ the OM. In my instance, I actualized how great of a guy I was by having someone(OW) bending over backwards for me to leave my WW. She fell in love w/ me right within days. If that won't keep you from being depressed, what will???!!

And MEDC, for the record, I realize you're not saying it's OK for anyone to commit adultery or act out. But saying it's understandable just makes me nervous.

It's a bit like when someone becomes a child molestor, and you find out they were molested for years. It makes me sad for the person, it even helps explain their actions to a degree I suppose, but to ME, it is not a mitigating factor. Does that make sense?

Just curious, I know you deal with folks like that. Would you go easier on a molestor who had been molested? (I'm not trying to be a wise-a....I'm seriously asking.)

I remember that! In fact I thought of that very thread when I read your response here. And I believe SMB healed more quickly than she would have, had she been patted on the head for it. Several of you vets were pretty tough on her, but she came through with flying colors!

Dude, was your OW married or single?

Dude:

You ask this:


When your RA brings home the STD the original partner missed.

LG

Contrary to popular belief there is nothing that suggests a molester has a GENUINE history of abuse that caused his actions.

BUT, IF there was a profound change in their psyche that was NOT within their control, it is most certainly a mitigating factor. So, yes, it is possible that some offenders would be treated differently given their history. This would be rare...and they still must pay for their crime...but they should also be given a measure of compassion not afforded some others.

To all,

Speaking from the standpoint of having experienced both being the victim of rapes and being the betrayed spouse:

I never sought revenge either time.



I see no point in revenge.


A revenge affair - I cannot say that the thought of returning some sort of pain towards my husband has not ever crossed my mind - because it has.

But I cannot ever consider a revenge affair. Because the thought of that strikes me as immoral. The fact that my husband did something very stupid and hurtful does not instantly give me some sort of license

to be stupid
or hurtful.

I am not in kindergarten, nor was I suddenly handed a "morals-free weekend" card because my husband was an idiot.


SB

She was single.

ANITDOTE FOR SEVERE DEPRESSION!! How else can you quickly recover from thinking "Why was I not enough?" "What's wrong with me?" What other way than having another woman fall deeply in love w/ you w/in weeks of your D Day. Trust me, IT HELPED THE EGO!!!

This wasn't exactly done for "revenge" then was it?

It was to get some on the side yourself.

It was to get your own needs met.

Had NOTHING to do with getting back at her.

It wasn't meant to hurt her...it was meant to pump you.

committed

I think what MEDC is trying to say (correct me if I'm wrong) is that some have a RA in a sort of knee-jerk reaction to their WS's affair. I can see how this could happen. I know how I was in those early days after D-day. I see how others are here when they first show up. You simply don't think straight at that time. IF the right circumstances presented themselves, would you resist? I can't even say that I know myself. Say what you want about your children, family, morals etc., but in those dark hours immediately following D-day, you can decide if you need to go to the kitchen or the bathroom to throw up, let alone make important ethical choices.

As for Krazy and Dude, you guys scare me a little. A RA as a free pass? That gives me the impression that you see an affair as some sort of reward. As if you have to consciously NOT have an A day in and day out - now you can because your WS did first? I sort of see Dude's reasoning in his later posts regarding self esteem etc. But even that seems counterproductive since whatever ego was built having the RA, it would be destroyed upon reflection that you not only hurt your WS, but the OW who had by then fallen for you and is probably also hurt (now, if she knew you were married, I couldn't give a hoot about her but if she didn't, then she's an innocent victim in all this as well).

An affair is an affair is an affair like any other affair. It matters not who's affair came first. One affair does not trump or cancel out another. They are equal "playing cards" to use that analogy.

Calling an affair a "revenge" affair only serves to offer justification or entitlement for the action when there is none.

I can understand how a revenge affair could occur. I can understand how ANY affair can occur. So what. The person having the "revenge" affair has now chosen to become a WS. Plain and simple. No excuses. All choice.

A true REVENGE Affair trumps the original A by means of INTENTIONAL infliction of harm. The ultimate in Plan FU's. If you have an RA, already knowing how bad it hurt you to have an A perpetrated on you, lowers your character by over a thousand notches!

It is to get in the pig-pen and WALLOW in it.

Dude- you are looking for license to do what you've done. But somewhere in the back of your brain is this as well - you know - you KNOW on some level that this was a bigger screw up than the original A. Your conscience is looking for an out - some way of justifying and reasoning it away from being THAT bad.

Here's the thing that you can't get off the hook for. You were conscious. Most affairees fall down that slippery slope without thought to consequences, numbing over their consciences with television, movies and books that neglect to show the after effects of the A's they portray. They don't show the pain of the innocent, so that awareness isn't there on the part of the original affairees until AFTER they are caught.

YOU on the other hand, had full awareness of that pain. You felt it. Took it in, nursed it and decided with full knowledge of how bad it hurt you, to administer that pain back on the person who hurt you.

In the end, pain is pain. But to me, infliction of pain with full knowledge of how bad it hurts is just a little bit worse, don't you think?

We are not justified in committing sin - no matter how we are sinned against!!!

I agree with you that it is wrong, but I too have fallen down that slope. That was the main reason I went ahead with my affair that I was talking about in my recent post. I'm not saying its right but sometimes we as humans react on emotion. just like a fist fight if someone punches you, you want to punch them back. Human nature....you get so filled with rage that you want the person who hurt you to FULLY understand exactly how that feels. Now its not going to help your marriage recover by playing affair tennis, but what you need to realize is the whole reason you wanted this person to feel the pain you felt is because you loved them so much that you were hurt. If you didn't love them you wouldn't have cared about their affair. Now, with that being said....YOU LOVE THEM....why have a revenge affair vs. rebuilding your marriage? because it is human nature. Doesn't justify it as being right, but everything has a cause and effect. Some people just react differently.

Edit- I also want to say that I regret having this so-called "revenge affair" because I hurt 3 people instead on one. I hurt myself and the other party along with hurting my husband. I pulled an innocent person into the mix and for what- to get revenge on my husband? Its a bad ideal all the way, especially once it goes past being purely sexual.

Sort of...but what I was saying is that at times people become so harmed by the insult to their psyche that they react in a way they never would otherwise. At times, traumatic events can cause people to act almost insane (some people do go insane). The mental health issue is real and it needs to be recognized as a causative factor with some people....this is true when it comes to crimes as well as some affairs.

An example...a drunk driver kills a child. The parent, witnessing the event catches the drunk driver and beats him/her to death. You can bet that the parent will argue temporary insanity...and they would most likely win. I would NOT hold that person accountable for their crime on the same level as I would any other murderer. There are mitigating circumstances.

This was actually done more to boost the ego, not so much as revenge. Its called RA because it would not have taken place had there not been the original A. When you are the BS you do whatever you can to stop all the thoughts. When I got involved w/ OW, the original A was seldom in my thoughts. In my mind I was moving on because the RA lasted a while and the OW was high caliber person commensurate w/ my FWW. When a woman falls for you in such a short period of time, yes, you can shake off the effects of the A a lot easier. Then, when your WS starts realizing “Uh Oh, someone else wants him and wants him bad”!! I’m not saying it was right, I’m just saying it helped ease the pain a lot. I think the guilt/shame greatly hindered as well due to the knee-jerk reaction associated w/ RAs. Again, I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone, but for me, it helped! Does it trump the original? I don’t think so because its dependant on the existence of the original A. JMHO

A high caliber woman screwing around with a married man?

I won't join the debate on revenge affairs...that subject has been beaten to death already.

I will say that in my personal experience regarding my RA...it trumps my WW's A in only one aspect. I truly believe that if I did not have the ONS RA that my W would still be in contact with OM. The reason I say this is that the night I had my ONS is the last (admitted) contact between my W and OM. If I had never done it, I wholeheartedly believe she would still be sneaking around with the guy thinking that she could still cake-eat. When I told her about my ONS, she realized that she was no longer in control and could no longer cake-eat.....I took the control away from her. Her biggest fear (in our near 7 year relationship) was that I would cheat on her (as f@cked up and hypocritical as that sounds). And when I eventually did (RA) it opened her eyes.

In essence (and I know some will disagree with me), my RA ended her affair.

She would not end her contact with OM until I had a ONS. I do not think it was a coincidence that her affair ended the same time my RA happened.

So in my case, the RA was the trump card.

As we are hi-caliber screwing around with women who screw around?