I think they look for some one new because looking into their BS faces is like looking into the mirror.

This new person will not know that he/she cheated on their family or that they looked the person that loved them the best and lied and that they threw away what ever morals they had.

I agree with Swan's Song. It's easier for some of them to just keep running, like the Z. I'm not sure whether Drac falls into that category or not. He may just not have gotten all the way out of the Fog yet. Time will tell.

In the mean time, I'm with Mimi and think that you need to get your plan B protections working again. Or at least get darker.

Sorry for poor Ladybugs. They deserve it least of all and suffer the most. I certainly don't know what the right answers are, but I'll let you know how things are going for mine.

Bugsy:

Wow.

That must have been tough.

Drac's head is spinning.

"I thought I was getting somewhere!" "I was trying to be super friendly" "Bugs was responding!"

SLAM.

As Mimi keeps saying, make him FEEL THE DARKNESS.

MAKE him COME to the LIGHT.

Match.com relives the pain and removes him from your life.

Putz.

Sorry about Ladybugs. It's horrible to realize what type of daddy you have at 7. DSS is going to be so ill-served.

(((Bugsy)))

LG

Mimi,

Yes, no Plan B will equal loss of love for him. Honestly, that is a bit tempting at times! I told God the other day that I didn't want to care about Drac any more. I'm not sure if that's true or not,,,,,,,,I do know that whatever we pray and Believe we have received will be given to us. I just don't know if I have it in me to wait for it to arrive.

I don't have to decide right this minute, so I'm not going to decide just yet.

Swan & SD - I agree that there is truth to their not wanting ot face us, and thus have to face their actions. Yet, one would think that having their BS there, standing for the M and willing to work past all of their ugly actions, still loving them would mean more than the 'easy way' of a new R. I know it doesn't always work that way, just wish that it did.


Yes, I think perhaps you are right. Yesterday Ladybug called me from Latchkey. She wanted me to call Drac for her to ask if she could go to a friend's house. Instead, I gave her Drac's number to call herself. Well, turns out the phone there would not call long distance, so I called & left him a message w/the number to call her directly.

He called me back and I let it go to vm. "Bugs, I talked to Ladybug. She wants to go to 'x' friend's house. Her mom's name is 'x'. I thought we should talk about this. How do you handle these situations? I understand you haven't met these people. I'm on my way to pick her up. Call me back".

I sent him email. "It's ok. She's been to their house before. I do know them. It's your weekend. Your call"

He replied, "Are we back to not talking again?"

I replied, "I am tied up right now"

That was it. No reply.

I was fine with it that way. As was discussed here earlier in the week, hearing his voice is hard enough,,,,,,,,,,,talking to him is worse. This was easier for me.

It wasn't an emergency. It wasn't vital that we actually speak. He's so quickly forgotten how 'unavailable' he was during the A and apparently thinks that I have no other things in my life that would prevent me from talking to him at any given moment. Not my problem.

It is sad about DD's realization and DSS's sitch is just as bad - if not worse in that regard. I can only hope that my continued presence in his life helps to offset that just a tiny bit.

I am planning to go to DSS's game today. Not even the prospect of having to deal with Drac can keep me away. I did talk to him on the phone last night and he mentioned his game today. He didn't ask if I was coming, so it will be a surprise for him.

So, I need to go iron some casual Goddess clothes, find my binoculars, and hit the road pretty soon.

I am SO hoping that he plays a few downs and that they WIN! It would be such a huge confidence boost for him!!

I'll let you know how it goes.

He figured it out, which is excellent. You didn't have to expressly tell him. Stay dark.

Co-parenting they way they want it equals cake-eating. You were meeting some of his EN's, whether he would admit it or not. Maybe that's why I am resisting it.

They would have to undo all of the hard work they put in justifying the affair.

Hang in there, and keep up the good work!

Oh, I needed that laugh today Bugs. That Drac. He's pretty sharp, isn't he?

I don't understand why you don't refer back to the PLAN B letter? Doesn't it still APPLY?

I don't understand why you don't straight up tell him how much this HURTS you, having contact with him?

I don't understand why you don't TELL HIM that you don't want to be HIS FRIEND?


Why don't you TELL HIM? I'm confused.

I was wondering the same thing Mimi.

Bugs - I think it's time for a new plan b. You're no longer married. He's no longer with Ho. But he's dense. Yes, he can figure out you're back to not talking. But he's not bright enough to figure out you will never be just a friendly flirty co-parent with him.

You need to spell it out. Didn't Steve tell you that?

Yes, I agree.

You peeked your head out of Plan B, things were moving along, and WHAM! you got faced with a realization that maybe he's not on the same page.

So now what...he does not have the same information you have. If you go back to Plan B without some idea about what is happening with you it can be very confusing for him and for the situation.
I agree you need to say something to XH about what the situation has been...it can be as simple as..."I had heard the Ho was no longer in your life, I thought there was a chance we could head for reconciliation so I opened my heart, invited conversation, enjoyed the attention I was getting, then found out you are still seeking someone else and knew you were not considering reconciliation. We can be co-parents, but I can't be your friend, I harbor too much hope, and it hurts too much to just be friends with nothing more in the future. So, yes, we are back to not talking."

Is this the way your marriage worked too, did you keep your thoughts and feelings hidden?

EXACTLY!! WONDERFUL!!

Agree. . . that's perfect!

Hi Bugs,

I haven't had a chance to read up, and haven't been on here at all. But I am thinking about you and wishing for the best. You and I both know how hard this is for you and what you want to do. I am also honest in saying I am watching this with so much hope on my heart that it works out for you.

You are so amazing and deserve the best that he can give you. I just want him to wake up and smell the latte.

I took a page from your book and have kept busy, but I think I over did it to survive and forget. One more way of me not feelign the pain of loss.

{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}

Morning everyone!

Hope this day finds you all well. I don't have a lot of time, so I'll just jump right into this. I didn't respond to Drac with the details of why we were going back to not talking because I had not yet prepared what I wanted to say.

I was taking the long weekend, without the kids, to give myself time to formulate what I wanted/needed to say. Then right here where I've found so much information, help, and support, I find this -


Thanks SHM! That is really perfect. I have several versions of pretty much this same thing but hadn't settled on one. This is simple, straight forward, and touches the important facts. Thank you.

The weekend wasn't 'exciting' but it was fun. I spent a lot of time helping out a friend with a new love situation in her life, so it helped keep my thoughts off of my sitch. It helps to be able to help someone else.

We had a lot of fun, sitting poolside and just being Goddesses. We went out and had lots of laughs. I even spent time talking with a 'boy'. It was fun. Too bad it turns out that he's apparently either very needy or a borderline stalker! haha! Seriously, he's called & emailed me at least 10 times since Sunday night.

Remember my complaint about not getting asked out? Next time remind me to be careful what I wish for!

I have to run, but wanted to check in while I had a few minutes. I am feeling ok about everything and back to getting focused on Bugs.

Have a great day all! And thanks!!!

Hi Bugs,

Seems the theme to me this morning is G-d never gives us what we want, he gives us what we need. And his timing is always perfect.

Sometimes the answers to our prayers is no, we just don't realize it until afterwards.

Have a great day.. {{{{{{{{{{Bugs}}}}}}}}}}

Glad to hear you are feeling good, Bugs.

Great that you got to interact with a guy. Even if he is not worth pursuing, it must be a confidence boost. I mean, look how badly he wants some more BugsyTime.

We're here waiting for the details on what you tell Drac.

Yes, SD, it is a confidence booster. Stalkerboy is still at it today. I've been really busy at work, but maybe I'll call him tonight. I feel a bit sorry for him and I think maybe he just needs a friend. We'll see.

So, since you asked, here's what I have composed for Drac. It's quite a bit more wordy than the suggestion by SHM, but you be the judge.

Drac,

You asked the other day via email if we are not speaking again, and I wanted to address that question.

I've thought about our recent conversations. It was last year that I told you that I could not speak to you while you continued your affair with "the ho". I don't know that I did a very good job of explaining 'why' and I suspect that you may have taken that request as an attempt to control or manipulate you.

I simply couldn't stand to hear your voice. It just hurt too much. I had to protect myself from the continued pain of loving you still. I didn't want our marriage to end. Continuing to speak to you, to hear your voice made me unable to cope with the loss of the most important person/relationship I'd ever had in all my life, and the loss of The Love of my life. It was a stab in my heart ever time we'd speak.

Life has gone on since then. The gaping wounds on my heart & soul are no longer controlling my very existence and have begun to heal.

I heard that "the ho" was gone, and seemingly for good this time. So, I opened the door to communication with you.

I invited the conversation. I enjoyed the interaction & the attention. Your call a few weeks ago took me by surprise, as did most of what you had to say. You said at the time you had been drinking, so I don't know if you recall it much. Several things you said did surprise me to hear, but what surprised me most of all was that it touched my heart. I wasn't prepared for that.

I realize you are seeking someone else and are not interested in reconciliation. We can be co-parents, but I cannot be your friend. That is very hard for me to say to the person who was the best friend I ever had. I still harbor too much hope for us that it hurts too much to be just friends with nothing more possible in the future.

So, I ask that we stick with communicating via email, and only about the kids. As always, emergencies are a reason for a phone call.

That's it. There are parts I am not real certain about, but I've kept them in here just to get opinions. A final draft is yet to come.

I don't know if I would mention that you know he is seeking someone else, but everything else in the letter sounds very heartfelt and REAL. I like it.

I know this latest bit of contact has you thrown for a loop, and pained again by the lackluster reception to your opened door. I hope that you can find some peace back in a bit of darkness. Drac really does need to be the one to come to you. He needs to be the one seeking YOU out, and not the other way around. This is his battle to fight, not yours. You are worth the fight.

This sounds like a putdown of yourself and a DJ. You start off WIMPY and not CHEST OUT by saying that you did not do a "good job". Why did YOU have to do a "good job" of explaining? And seems to me you are ASSUMING that he thinks you were trying to control or manipulate him..and who gives a FLIP what HE THINKS... You were speaking to him about what YOU decided to do because he was having an affair that HE CHOSE to CONTINUE.


IMO, it doesn't seem necessary to go back and re-explain this. He didn't GET IT THEN and doesn't seem to GET IT NOW...I mean..I suggest talking to him about NOW...

So I suggest BASICALLY sticking to what you said below:



I still don't think it's HOPELESS...IF you go DARK...

Heck Bugs, I don't know - but I like it. Sounded good to me, but I obviously am not the expert. I'll just be content to stay in the cheering section for you.

My instinctive response was that I liked SHM's shorter version better. Upon reading it a couple of times, I agree with SL that it is all good stuff and looks okay.

My only comment is that

doesn't specifically say that you opened the door because you are still seeking reconciliation. SHM said something like 'thought reconciliation might be a possibility' or the like.

Why not include something like that?

Also, can you put your "What would Steve want me to say" hat on?