Do you have any suggestions of what I should "take" to our appt? I have a timeline written down, with the things I have found, dating back to April (but I didnt actually discover until May) and plan on taking that. I am afraid of overwhelming both the counselor and my H at the very 1st appt, however.... any tips would be appreciated. Thank you.

I would take every bit of evidence you have. If you have other people telling you things IRL, jot down what they said on a piece of paper.

That way, you can get the 'question' of whether he did something inappropriate over and done with in the first 10 minutes, so he doesn't spend the rest of the hour trying to prove his innocence.

We did that with a crooked contractor who quit on our job. Got him to come back to the house, thought he was going to sweettalk his way out of it, until we pulled out an entire notebook of us getting scammed AND a video tape of us doing the work ourselves! Changed his tune immediately, cos he saw courtrooms ahead. (Turns out, he'd done it to 50 other families, including a DA; got sent to prison.)

Anyway, take control as soon as you go in. Make it plain you're working on why he did what he did and how to not do it again.

Gdar, I am glad that you're getting such expert help. I would also suggest reading and studying SAA, so you know what exposure, Plan A/B, NC, EPs, and recovery look like.

I'm praying for you and your family, and admire the courage it takes to take these steps you have.

(((Gdar)))

Wow, Cat. The same thing happened to us when we were building our house. Scammed us to teh tune of $67k and we had to finish it by ourselves and it took an extra YEAR! He managed to walk away scot-free by filing bankruptcy (and naming us) and fleeing the area. We made it through that hell together, we can make it through this.

This explains a lot GDAR. Why he does not respect you around the house, why he ignores your and the kids needs, etc.

I am sure he gets all excited at work around "HER" (being around her, working with her, talking to her, smelling her perfume and the shampoo in her hair) and then comes home to bang YOU. SHE is his PORN. So lifelike. She is alive PORN for him.

You are the "mother", "caregiver" to him and the kids and SHE is the passionate lover.

You can bet he has kissed and boinked her while you gave birth in pain and agony. No wonder he pretends he is single and acts like a little boy leaving his clothes and shoes around the house and the drawers open.

I would get a polygraph pronto. He is a real horses A--!

Not really neccessary, Stella. I am here to move forward, not to have it thrown back in my face.

You are right. Here, I will hate him for you and you can go forward with your plan. That way hate wont get in the way for you....lol.

I gotta get off this board, I hate people who hurt others.

Well, I asked the counselor about bringing in discussion points (and my notebook with the timeline), he said no. So I have to remember in my head and replay it, or??

The counselor might want to avoid the situation in which your husband feels like he is on trial. "Your honor, I submit to you exhibit A, one love poem written by the accused on..."

You will just have to describe the details from memory, which I'm sure won't be a problem.

How have you and husband been doing today?

When he is home, I am ok. But the last 2 times we made love, I bawled like a baby during (the first time) and after (the 2nd). I cant let go of what he wrote about another woman, which of course, is to be expected since I did just find out.

He still denies it.

So, when he leaves work each morning, I bawl my eyes out some more. I am ready for our counseling session tonight, but scared he wont be up front and put on a show. This is a highly intelligent man who speaks for a living. He is good at putting on aires and saying the right things to make himself look like an angel. The last time we went to a counselor (we went once, and it was someone he knew) he was all smiles, talked about how he knows he has a lot to work on, took all sorts of responsibility - all to make the counselor think he was this fantastic, doting husband. It pissed me off to no end, because it was all for show. I need him to GET REAL, be open and honest and raw, and I am afraid he wont be able to. He has too much of a need for people to think he is perfect.

Oh, and there is a friend of H's that I trust immensely - and he is a big fan of our marriage (he is going through his wife leaving him without warning). I think I am going to expose to him, because he is one of my H only friend with any dang morals - and we are also both friends with him. I think if he knew what was going on with the EA, he would call my H out and talk him back into reality.

Is this a good idea?

Can this get moved?

Thank you.

Did you ask him about a polygraph? Sweetie, I hate to say it, but I think something DID happen that night, something major. There's just too many red flags waving.

His reaction to the polygraph will be a big tell.

I wouldn't worry to much right now about what he might do in the counseling session. This is your interview basically to see how the counselor handles your situation, so just lay out the truth as you know it and see how the counselor reacts to what WH says.

From what you have told us, any counselor worth their salt should be able to see through the BS. Its obvious that something was going on between them, at least emotionally. Did you ever pitch the book "Not Just Friends" to your husband? Its carried in most big book stores so it shouldn't be hard to find.

Good luck tonight!

Thank you, Andrew. I am trying hard not to stem out on this, but its so consuming. I talked to him about that book, and that other book you mentioned and he told me that there was nothing going on, so there is no point in reading something like that. That I have no choice but to believe him, and he refuses to admit to something he simply did not do.

If he doesnt admit it, I will NEVER be able to recover from this. I told him that - but he is still holding tight.

If I bring up a polygraph test, he will think I am just out of my mind and the crazy, insecure, jealous wife that no one wants to have. Its a Catch 22 for me. I know this man, so its not that black and white.

Gdar, did you ever have that experience as a kid? Did something wrong, lied to your parents, and then got angry at them at not believing you? I mean, how could they doubt you?! Their own kid?!

Your H can handle you raising the bar, Gdar. I'm not giving advice, just telling you, he can handle it. Have you gotten SAA yet? And the Shirley Glass book. Whether he's reading them or not, it's time for you to be. Whether it's an EA or a PA or an almost EA, the SAA book will still give you insight that will impact your marriage. It's powerful stuff!

Thanks, ears. I do plan on reading it.

Right now I am just making sure I have all of my "evidence" in order so I can lay it all out there and ask my husband "how can I come to ANY other conclusion but an EA".

Ugh. Its so heartbreaking to find this stuff. He downloaded 3 songs with her damn name in them (and other songs about wanting what you know you shouldnt have) the day before his birthday. On his birthday, he went to drinks with his "team". The team she is on. While I was at home on bed rest. Ugh. I hate this discovery crap. Its so awful.

ETA: I cannot come across anything on this site about how to deal if your H wont admit the EA. That would be really helpful for me right now. Everything I read is about an affair being open and both acknowledge it...

There's a thread in this section by someone called KLD. She thought 'never MY husband' and then found out he had been lying to her for a long time. The way she handled the rest was just textbook perfect. The best thing she did was talk to him as though she KNEW he was guilty no matter what he said. It worked; he caved and confessed.

I do the same thing with my D18 - go to her and say you did such and such, she tries to deny it, I say don't try that with me, I KNOW; she caves.

Just go forward assuming he did something. EA or PA, it doesn't matter, he strayed at least mentally. You NEED that position of strength to stand up to him.