Just to clarify, even if Dr. Harley advised RAs, it wouldn't change my mind on right and wrong, and sin to fight sin. But I would at least shut up and get off this thread if I was aware I'm not lined up with MB principles!

Apples and oranges.....but go ahead and grasp any straw you see :RollieEyes:

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Intro, Intro, Intro... luv ya man. You often post the same opinion as me, but you do it before me so you save me alot of time posting myself.

You are right I had another DDay. I think your point is valid, but i don't see her as high and mighty. She will have to respond when she gets home from work, but I have to say her effort lately has been ... remarkable.

For the first time in a long time I don't see us as limping along on fumes, I feel like our bond is the strongest its ever been.

Shes busted up one affair that her friend was having by exposing to the BH. The friend won't talk to her anymore but my wife is firmly on the side of M now.

Thats why i told KMS not to leave or lie about anything is because we don't want you to find out later in life like i did.

Your twice the man I am because at least you were honest about your RA consistently



my sig is no longer accurate, its been almost 6 months not a couple now

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Exactly. when i told my wife about my RA. her response was
"oh.. well... what i did wasn't really that bad"

and thats when i took it back because i didnt want to give her the power back.... worked out great for me!!! NOT :RollieEyes:

What about the affair that happens after D-day but before recovery? I.e., BS discovers WS's A, freaks and runs out and has an A of his/her own before even ATTEMPTING recovery? Not sure, but this is the impression I have of Dude's RA (I could be way off here so correct me if I am).

Also, is there a certain amount of time after recovery when it is no longer an RA, but a regular A? Since I did not recover my marriage and haven't gone through this, I'm completely guessing, but I would think that in order to be recovered, both spouses would have let go of and forgiven the past.

I agree with you Tabby. To me, a RA occurs in between D-day and beginning of recovery.

"Well honey, I tried to call you to see if you minded if I have sex with Dude, but you couldn't climb off OW long enough to answer the phone".

My RA happened after 2 months of false recovery. Found out that WW was still having her affair after 2 months of telling me it was over...I had the RA...she ended the affair......she deserved it.

So what happens if recovery never begins? It is no longer a "revenge" affair?

Ok, I guess a revenge affair could be considered an affair partaken in by the BS any time after D-day. But former betrayed spauses who have there own affair 10yrs after recovery always use the "You had an affair 10yrs ago, so what does it matter now if I have one" I.E., thats revenge, ergo a revenge affair.


A revenge affair, is any romantic relationship that the BS uses the excuse "You had an affair so I did too" on the WS or FWS. Or uses that excuse to justify it to themselves. Basicly any romantic relationship after D-Day wile still wanting or partially wanting to remain married.

Just spewed cranberry cocktail all over my computer!!! (no offense to you Dude, but this was funny!)

I guess it is a "waiting for the divorce to be final" affair.

Sorry, I forgot there was a "Dude" posting here, I meant Dude as in generic guy name!

That would be moving on, would it not? Either that or you are in some kind of limbo where you are neither recovering nor moving on. Of course, this ties into the question of when the marriage is actually over which is clearly different for some than others.

I know a couple that had affairs 10 years apart and the 10 year ago affair was never used as an excuse for the recent one.

IMO, once you forgive, you let go of the desire for revenge.

I don't agree with this at all. Maybe it's because I see revenge as a "get back" at something, it's on purpose, it has a reason.

This quote changes that perspective. In this quote, it isn't about REVENGE.

I think a BS can end up in an affair without it being intended to harm the other spouse, it isn't about revenge. It's about a BS' wounded soul.

I want to be married right now. I am divorced by no choice of my own. By your quote, because I still might want to be married to my ex, any man I have a relationship with now is going to be considered revenge?

Absolutly. And as long as the former BS doesn't try to excuse it as "You had one too" I dont guess it would be revenge.

No, thats very diferant. You cant have an affair on your spouse if you dont have a spouse. Weather you are divorced by your choice or not. A new relationship after divorce would be attempting to move on, not an affair.

Com on folks, use a little interpertation here. Every situation is diferant.

Condescend much?

Sorry, I didn't know I was supposed to read your mind and took your "any" to mean "any."

If every situation is different, why are we bothering talking about it?

You're making blanket statements and then expecting everyone to agree. To question the blanket statement with a different scenario that doesn't fit the under the blanket is met with "com on folks."

Again, I apologise.

I assumed we where all speaking about a BS or FBS having an affair on there Spouse.

It never crossed my mind that someone who had been divorced by there Former spouse would take what I had wrote to include them having a relationship after there spouse divorced them.

I thought so, too, until you said "any romantic relationship after D-Day wile still wanting or partially wanting to remain married." That erased the "marriage" line.

Moving on.....

Let's assume we are talking about marriages where the divorce is not yet final.

There are all kinds of interpretations of when an affair is an affair and when it is not and exactly when the marriage is over.

I see alot of blanket statements being made in this discussion about affairs by a BS. The general consensus has seemed to be that the ONLY reason a BS has an affair is to get back at the spouse and to intentionally cause harm to the WS. I don't believe that to always be the case.

Some WS may be surprised to hear this but they are not always the center of everyone's world.