Here's what I want to know...
Can I, the BS open a can of worms many, many months later and actually have a conversation of sorts with the OW? I feel like, to this day, I have soooo much anger that is inside me for this woman. Yes, I realize it may be misdirected and I do deal with H on a daily basis. We are getting there, very slowly, but getting there in spite of this all. Even though the EA did not turn physical I have so much crap running in my head that I cannot get out.

Tomorrow is H's birthday. Mine is next week. This makes me think of this time last year. What a fool I was. I feel duped. He probably had little flirtations with the piece of crap -- now known as POC -- during the day and then came home to the unknowing wife for a perfect birthday evening. Really, I feel stupid. But, that is not the point here. I feel like I need to unload a bit on her. She initially came into my home under the pretense of being my 'friend'. That did not materialize -- obviously. But, we had a face to face once and she denied up one side and down another that she had any feelings for H. 7 days later she professed her undying love & devotion.

Now, I do get it....H is the problem here. But, this creepy POC waltz' around without a care in the world. It took her several months to finally slink away, but I feel I don't have closure. I doubt seriously H would care. Actually, he'd probably discourage it under the pretense of waking a sleeping giant. Do I have the right to tell her what little I think of her? Am I just barking up the wrong tree? I dream of running into her one day so I can really let her have it! Does this feeling ever go away?

It's been 7 months since there way any attempt at contact. To be honest with you all, POC still works at same company. She is NOT in the same building. She is only seperated by a city street. If a sink hole opened up and she fell in I'd be ok with that. I feel so immature saying some of this stuff but I have so much to say to her that some days it hurts. Maybe I should just get some counseling and get on with my life. But, it's so tempting. Thoughts? Comments? Concerns?

Oh, Fiori. I so feel for you. I want to do the same damn thing, and I just found out this weekend.

I was hoping it would get easier, but reading this makes me sad. If I were you (and I kind of am), I would want to. But I dont know if that is right or not.

I hope you eventually come to peace with it all.

it would be a very bad idea. It would not go the way you hope it will. There would not be closure - only more questions.

(((((fiori)))))

WOF,
Believe me, I know it would be a bad idea. Somewhere deep down inside the rational and intelligent woman I used to be is still lurking. It's still amazing to me, no matter how many of these stories I read, that this activity is so prevelant. I would NEVER consider gunning after a man I knew was married. She truely preyed on his weakness and his ego allowed him to become sucked in. I totally fault her for the beginning and totally fault him for when it ended. It's just so aggrivating.

I feel the same way. Yes, he is at fault for allowing himself to be open to her luring him in, but she went after him - and made no apologies about it. It makes me sick - and I hope she DOES fall in a hole and die.

You might consider journaling to let out your feelings, or write a "letter" that you never send. You can even have a little ceremony where you burn it in a fire after you feel like you have held onto it long enough-your anger and your words can both go up in the flames. It might help give you the closure you need, without reopening the can of worms so to speak. Sometimes it just feels really good to get the words out, and it doesn't necessarily mean she has to hear them. Or better yet, make your husband sit in as the dummy.

Ok, so we agree that it would be a bad idea to confront her, right?

Perhaps just venting here would help?

Let me tell you how I feel about my Ex's OW#1.

I had never met her before. he left on a Wednesday, and moved right in w/ her. About a week later, I was driving into my driveway, actually feeling pretty good for a change, when all of the sudden I looked up, and saw the 2 bit Ho standing in my front yard. He was in the house getting some stuff, and she was waiting out front. I started SCREAMING. I am not a yeller/screamer by nature, so this reaction was shocking.

WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE!! THIS IS MY HOUSE!! MY SANCTUARY!! SHE HAS NO BUSINESS COMING HERE!

And he came running out of the house, the little weasel that he is, saying that she just came over to help him. (I had come home early that day - they never expected to see me there)
She turned and ran to his (our!!!) truck and got in quickly. he got in and drove away. Later he even had the nerve to tell me that "she really felt bad"

Later, I replayed that vision a million times in my mind, and I came up with a lot of things I wish I had said, or done. One thing in particular - I wished I had hit her with a baseball bat! I have honestly had that through cross my mind. Of course, I am soooo thankful that I did not hit her - she would have just forever used that against me as further proof that his W was nuts, and he had every right to cheat on her.

anyway, I honestly believe that the best way to get revenge on these cheaters, is to just leave them alone, and let them self destruct on their own. I fully believe that "Karma" or Gods will, takes over, when we stay out of the way.

The temptation is there for me still. She'd probably sh&t a brick if I showed up on her door step. LOL I told her she was a POC (via phone) but there were many things left unsaid that till this day bug me for not saying. I know I should let it go because she probably is miserable and feels like an idiot for wh0ring herself to some guy who (if she had half a brain to realize it) treated her like one. Her husband gave her a big FO too so she had to deal with that.

For the rest of her life anytime her girlfriends find themselves in the situation of being cheated on and spouting off what a homewrecking sl&t OW is, she'll have to live with the fact that they are talking about HER. Should her children ever boast that their mother would NEVER cheat, hurt people etc....she will have to feel the dagger from their words. I don't need to do or say anything to her. She's made her own life a living hell. However, I do still have thoughts of adding fuel to the fire so she burns to a crisp.

I go between hoping she drops dead and her unrepentent soul burns in hell to hoping she is miserable for the rest of her life to indifference because I have better things to worry about.

Do not let POC know that you have these feelings for her, it will only give her power.

I have fantasized about running into the xOW and what I would say/do. I can be a good actress, so I would smile and give her a big hug and tell her that I have been wanting to thank her for showing my H what life would be like with her because it has made him so appreciative of me that he now treats me like a princess. I would then turn and strut away (I have this casual sexy walk that men and women love).

Basically I would want to leave her feeling like my life is wonderful and that she was such a POC that moving in with her was all it took for my H to come running home. I am better than her and I would want her to know that I know that and that my H knows that.

She is a weak person and I am pretty sure this would hurt her way more than anything else that I could say or do.

I have a friend who years ago was an OW and the BW did this and it crushed her. That is where I got the idea.

I can relate to how you feel. If I remember what you have said about your OW, she was the one who went so far as to visit your MIL to enlist her help in busting up your M, right? What a crazy -----!

Can I use your thread as an opportunity to vent about my H's OW?He really was the one who pursued her but she fully enjoyed it and encouraged him.

When he left his workplace and told his friends it was due to their relationship, she told everyone that yes that they were talking and texting but that she had made it clear to him that "you won't be getting anything from me" (another coworker relayed this to me after the fact...)

So she basically blamed the whole EA on him and failed to mention to all his coworkers that a)she was also calling/texting him; b)she knew he was keeping it a secret from me; c)she was keeping it a secret from her fiance; d)they had discussed "feelings" about each other; e)they had gone out on an outing just the two of them together; f) he had asked her if she would prefer he let her figure her feelings out and stop calling her and she told him, no, keep calling me.

I have fantasized about sending her a letter and cc'ing it to all my H's former coworkers so that they can all hear the real truth...but I won't....

Sorry to TJ but it felt really good to vent about this!!!

It's interesting because I've been musing over my hatred of the OW and my Wstbx has no, nor will never have the"F" designation. I've actually wondered if I would swerve if she walked in front of my car. On the one hand I feel terrible that I would hesitate at such a decision. After all, I swerve for squirrels and other rodents. But she truly is lower than a slimy cockroach in my mind. Though I have no desire to get WstbxH back, I can't help feeling that this woman has violated the very core of my being. She infected me with her diseases and stole my life. Even though my life is better without Wstbx (and I don't excuse him of any blame), I didn't know that at the time. She is a parasite that should be exterminated.

And yes I've seen her lately and even made an idiot of myself but I have not (yet) struck her or spoken a word to her. She is an ugly, scheming, deceitful piece of trash that is not worthy of my acknowledgement. I pity those who are related to her.

This is wonderful!!!!
I read here ages ago of a FOW who said the BW walked up to her, looked her up and down with a completly dismissive glance and then walked away. I have been practising that look but this is so much better.
Still would want to give the b*tch a slap tho

Flori,

Your feelings are quite normal for a BS who has not attained closure yet.

While the suggestions NOT to contact the OW is good, not having a plan on recovery makes that vision of the need to contact play in one's mind more times than it should. In some cases, that eventually leads to contact and more disappointment.

So let's take it one step further. You know it isn't healthy to contact a germ invested varmit like the OW, right? (I might get edited for calling the OW a varmit. LOL!!!

Ok, so what can you do?

1. It was suggested to journal. That is a good idea. I did that one. Later I got to go back and read where I was vs where I am today. I still keep that info.

2. Ask your Xws/H to help you with recovery. If you feel it is safe, let him know you want to contact the OW. I did that. It was sure a good way to get reassurance from the then Xws. He certainly didn't want me to contact the OW (PBR - psycho babble rabbit).

3. Get with a good MC and develop a solid recovery plan for both of you. Recovery is not one sided you must each recovery individually and then as a couple. One helps the other to recover as well.

That's for starters. Helping others (i.e. like being supportive on MB helps).

Ok, if you want more I can share with you some actual OW contact experiences as I am sure many others can. But they c/b hilarious and scary. You sure you want that?

Take care,
Orchid

I often see the OM's wife. A couple of months ago I was in our local shopping area and I turned the corner and quite literally nearly walked right into her.

She looked briefly at me then looked right through me as though I didn't exist. I slunk off to my car feeling like a POS.

Honestly, her reaction to me was worth a thousand rantings or "having it out with me". I felt like something on the bottom of her shoe.

I often wonder what I'd say if she did talk to me. I would apologise. I would let her take any feelings of hatred she has for me out on me. I deserve it.

I think Orchids post is full of great advice. I did want to comment on my experience when I told my FWH that I was wanting to contact xOW. My reason for wanting to contact her was because I was still not believing him that she was not still trying to contact him and I said in a threatening way that maybe I should just call her. My H said in a sad and tired voice that if that would help me believe him and if it was what I wanted to do then maybe I should. I could feel his pain and sadness and I knew it was because he really wanted me to be able to trust him again and feel safe with him again. I knew in my heart that he was not contacting her and it helped me to stop wanting to confront her and ask questions. That was when I began to really focus on all the wonderful things my H does everyday to show me his love and my thoughts of contacting xOW became less and less.

KiwiJ,



Just curious why you never apologized to her, especially if you live where you do run into her from time to time. An apology to my FOM's W was high on my "to do" list once I confessed.

At first she said she was unable to accept my apology, which I completely understood. Several months later I received a note in the mail from her offering forgiveness, which I followed up on so she knew I didn't just chuck her note in the garbage. I wanted her to know I did care about her feelings and what I did to her.

Since I'm too lazy to type it again here is a link to a post with what the actual notes said. (The only changes I made were to remove our names.) You will have to scroll down a bit to find my post.

Apology to FOM's W

I hope FOM's W doesn't spend one second of her day thinking about me. I hope FOM and his W have been able to recover and move on to have a fabulous marriage.

Maybe it's different because I knew her, but like I told her in my note I am approachable if she ever felt the need.

If she truly did forgive me when she sent the note she certainly was able to forgive me much faster than I was able to forgive myself. I beat myself up for at least 2 more years and couldn't forgive myself for what I did. Thoughts of her and how she felt were almost a constant in my mind for a very long time.

I guess my point is some of us FOW really do care about how the BS feels.

edited to add: To answer the original question Fiori had, if the FOW in your case is truly remorseful it might be ok and you can get answers. If she is not, it might just add more of a problem for you by creating even more questions.

Someone on another board once told me "Closure comes from within." I found that to be very true. I had to find all I needed within myself to finally be able to truly let everything go.

LC

Hi Fiori:

I'm the BS, my W is a FWW. I've considered a number of times having a conversation with the OM about the A, but primarily to confirm what my FWW's told me about it, as some of the things she's said are, to put it bluntly, a bit unbelievable. The OM has already apologized for what he did (if you can consider shaking my hand and telling me "sorry" as a suitable apology for destroying my M), and in any case getting a more sincere one from him and/or some sign of remorse is not really high on my to-do list.

However, every time I considered it, I eventually came to the conclusion that it was not really worth it.

Yes, you're probably right. I think of it often and could even consider it an obsession. Believe me I have the entire conversation scripted in my mind. My motives are not good, though. I really only want to cause her pain. It drives me nuts to think that she simply walks this earth with no consequences for her actions. I look back now and wish I had properly exposed her deeds to her family. She is close with her sister who is a wife with children. I wonder if that would have helped her slither away sooner...probably not.

It's confusing to me to have all of these feelings. Some days I feel so sane and others just squash me like a bug. Last night H and I spoke for a long time. I told him I wanted to do this. He does not understand my need to inflict pain in order to feel better myself. To me, this feels like he's protecting her. I do want her to hurt and I want it to be because I did it. I realize that seems sick, so I fight the urge.

I am right on the edge here. I seem to struggle with letting go of my distrust of H. The hardest part is the location. He does still work at the same company, although in different buildings. But, I'm not naive. I know there could be a chance meeting...

He is absolute in his promise that he'd never fall off this road again, but I never thought he would in the first place, so my trust is limited. I want to believe everything he tells me. I want to put away the pain and mistrust. But, I struggle with letting it go. I suppose, if I have to be honest, that I'm not ready to 'let him off the hook'. I feel stupid when I say that...but it's true. He's a very basic guy. Once I let this go he'll just move on as if it never happened. I want him to realize what I feel and help me get over it. Lots of questions and so few answers.

Kiwi,
I too, wonder why you did not apologize. Well, more I wonder if you ever considered it. The POC, I believe shoud apologize to me and to my kids for her part in this debacle. I get irritated when I imagine her bebopping through town with her little dumpy pony tail happy as a lark. I carry the bagage of her selfishness. Does she feel anything? The OW is really not anything you would consider to be demonic or flashy. She's your basic girl who's a bit dumpy and ill informed. If you saw her you'd put her in a Dove soap commercial. That's weird to me. All the OW on tv are boobalicious vixons. Not this one.

So, under the guise of sweetness, she continues to breath my air and live her life. I suppose she could be unhappy or sad. I think I'd like that.

I'm off track. Sorry. I just really want to know if you EVER thought about doing it. I almost wish OW would. If she initiated the conversation I think I might be somewhat kind. Not gushing, just kind.