Hi everyone, just a question I am sure it has been asked before.
A little history my wife has just broken out of a long term affair with a married man. She has a long history of always having male friends, even before we started our relationship.

We have been married 19 years one child.

She again started to develop which she called a friendship with another man from work, again a married man, he and her talking at least once daily usually more. So I stepped in and told her it was not a good idea to start another friedship with a man.

After all thats how the first affair got started. Of course she had an attitude but did say she would stop calling him. I explained to her that she shouldn't call another man especially one that is married and I didn't want him calling her. I do not want her to start these friendships with men I just think they can only be bad. What is everyone else's feeling on this subject? What can be done to avoid this situation? I feel it makes me look like a jealous husband, when I have to step in. It is something I shouldn't have to deal with.

I am very upset that she would get mad at me for stepping in as I feel I have the right to intervene after all that has happened.

Are you kidding me? You are fearful of being perceived as a jealous husband by your wife? She has just gotten out of a long term affair putting your health at risk for STD's. She has totally disrespected and humiliated you and your marriage. She is now getting involved with another man and you are fearful of being perceived as jealous if you tell her to stop? If the roles were reversed do you think she would be so accepting as you? She has no respect for you. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Your letter is so sad.

Surviving 40,

Your feelings on this are totally correct… Opposite sex friendships where the spouse is excluded from the friendship and where the friend is not a friend of the marriage too e.g. not a friend of both spouses, is a danger to any marriage and should be avoided at all costs. Especially a person has been involved in an A before (like your W), should take extraordinary steps to keep strong and healthy boundaries with the opposite sex. The fact that she doesn’t want to do it and gets mad at you for bringing up the subject, shows that she still has a wayward mindset and don’t want to take responsibility and deal with the consequences of her actions. I think you should make it clear to your W that such friendships is totally unacceptable to you, that in order for you to start feeling safe in the M again and for her to start winning back your trust again, she will have to start protecting herself by stopping any opposite sex interactions and friendships that can put the M in danger again.

surviving,

It sounds to me like the two of you never really dealt with the LTA very well. The fact that your WW is still doing things the wayward way makes me think that the marriage still has many of the same problems it had back then.

Is that true?

Can you walk us through how you two dealt with that affair, and some of the details of it? Then, tell us where things are now.

Maybe if we have a few details of the issues in the marriage, we can help you bring things together, and get your marriage headed in the right direction from this point on.

SB

I have always had male friends also and I never cheated on my H. However, since his A we have established boundaries which include neither of us having close opposite sex friends. My H even asked me and one of his friends to not email each other anymore. I think now that my H sees how easy it is for an A to begin that he wants to protect me from that also. I could say he is being jealous, but I choose to see it as him protecting me.

You may have missed the reason for the questions I raised.

Some of her sisters/friends support her friendship(s) or so she says, which i just can't believe, as they know what I have been through.

I just wanted an outside opinion.

I do appreciate your honesty as you are totally right.

Thanks

The affair has just ended so maybe her wys have not changed yet. We are just starting to deal with the after math. I will let you know how it progresses.

Just wanted opinions on M/F friendships with this post.

Thanks

Definately a boundary issue. Since she was a LTA WW coupled with a recent ending, she may be getting a mini fix from this co-worker. She may believe she can maintain a distance but this is dangerous and hurtful to you. Not sure if she has one foot into your marriage or one foot out but LTA waywards seem to take a long time to detox from their affairs.

Call the man's W and explain the situation to her. With two sets of eyes on your (F?)WW and the new OM(?), the relationship is likely to not go any further.

Well, this is how I feel, too. It sucks - you want to trust your partner, but you dont want to come off like a jealous partner, either. I think its pretty natural to feel this way, even though is sucks.

The answer is NO. You cannot have any type of relationship with the opposite sex if it excludes your spouse and/or makes them feel uncomfortable. That's it....no other options.

I may have given you a different answer two years ago, but since I'm dealing with H's EA, I'm a bit jaded.

"We're just friends"...lol. KMS said this while she was ***edit*** OM too.


There is an easy solution to this problem in particular...

Call OM's wife and tell her about your WW's problem with having affairs with other women's husbands. The next words out of her mouth to her husband will be ****edit****

Problem solved...between her and this guy anyway.


But, if she is still having boundary issues like this, she needs a slap upside the head (figuratively speaking) or she will continue to do this over and over and over.

Surviving,

There are several ways to go about this but only ONE way to look at it. The one way???

Her having opposite sex friends is a big NO GO. She has proven she is not trustworthy. She should not be around other men while married to you.

Now I also get the feeling she still feels entitled to do anything she wishes, and with that attitude your marriage is still in peril with or without the affair.

So I answered your question, but you implied another one so I will take a shot at this one as well.

How do you get her to stop this without it sounding as if you are her father?

There are several ways to go about this. I prefer the boundary approach. You first figure out your boundaries, and what you are willing to do to enforce them. Then you simply state your boundaries to your W without telling her what you will do.

For example, let's say (purely speculation right now ), is not someone you trust with other men. Let's say you really have a thing about your W being emotionally connected to another man much less physically. You simply tell her that you will not spend your life policing her behavior, but you will not accept her talking to, confiding in, and spending time with another man.

What will you do if she violates that boundary? You could separate, you could file for divorce. You could force her and you into counseling before the other actions. BUT, these are your actions to protect YOUR boundaries. You are not telling her what to do or not do, you are simply telling her your boundaries for remaining happy in a marriage. It is her call if she decides to cross over this boundary.

I think what many people miss is that plan A and plan B along with Harley's four rules for a good marriage are very powerful, but they should be done within context of boundaries. More specifically your boundaries and the actions you are willing to take to enforce them.

So have a look inside yourself. What will you tolerate? What do you want? What will you never tolerate? What are you going to do if any of these things are challenged?

These are for YOU to address not your W.

HOpe something I have said is of help.

God Bless,

JL

Read Shirley Glass's book, NOT JUST FRIENDS.