SoulDragoN,
You humor me with your way of saying things. You put hope and encouragement to keep fighting this and go on. You are one spit fire, you go GIRL. Thank you I am in know saying all this is humourous BECAUSE ITS NOT. But you do have a way of getting points across to me.


* DO NOTHING*
Do NOT SIGN OVER THE HOUSE
1. You Need to make a PLAN.
2. You don't have to DO anything. Your H has dropped an ultimatum on you. He will leave or not. You have no control over his actions.
3. *Prepare* based on the potential that he MAY leave you.
I doubt he will.
Can you prompt him into becoming active at your church/counseling? Perhaps enlist the aid of the Priest/ Pastor/Reverend?

quote]

I will keep these very close in my thoughts and work them.

I tried getting counseling at the church I had been attending for a little over a year.
The pastor could not really help me because my husband wasn't there, so we really couldn't talk about him and what he is doing. Would send emails to Pastor crying out for help, to make it short the bottom line was "What can I do to bring peace to my home"? Well, it was very obvious to the pastor that all I had to do was put H on title and that I assumed would bring peace to my home. I was offended by this, (that seem to put me on a spot, and made me feel like he was saying I was the one that was causing this problem and I could easily fix it. So after several weeks of not hearing from Pastor ( I figured he would check in on me to see how things were going and if I still needed some counseling) I have not heard from him to this day. I quit going to that church, and not Im not attending any where, thinking about that too.

the church we were going to since we first moved here and met some ppl and joined their bible home study group, this group turned out to be all gossipy ppl, and users (if I can say it that way, there were a couple of very needy ppl that my husband would bless quiet frequently with $$. or help of some sort)that was the only time they called on us (it took us awhile to see what they were doing) but this is not a problem the Lord knew our hearts so therefore we were okay with it. These ppl that used us will have to deal with the Lord concerning their ways and motives. Anyhow that Pastor also said, trust in the Lord and share the hse title what do I have to lose, God will take care of me no matter what. (I struggle with this, and its obvious today that I did not take his advise).
We left that church several months later. H said he wasn't getting fed So that is when we went to second church where I counseled with pastor that said how can I bring peace to my home?


My faith is weak right now and Im questioning my faith, myself spiritually and the whole christian church going so call friends that I thought I had. Since this news about what my husband and I are struggling about, it seems everyone has backed off, no one calls me to see how things are going, or for prayer or encouragement or maybe just to have coffee. (Since moving here and meeting a group of ppl thru bible study, that group (it seems) no longer ackowledges us (I hear all the time how we are to lift up, encourage and help each other with our burdens) well for 6 yrs in the bible study group I saw this selectively applied to others, but I guess we just didn't fit into the click, so we have always been on the outside of this group looking in. This confused me and sadden me, so I dropped out. Because of H work schedule alot of times he was not able to atttend 1/2 the time any how, so this was no great loss to him.
i am in another group now, its the same ole thing (clickey) these ppl have been friends forever and after bible study we eat snacks and fellowship (not me or my friend, we sit on the couch eating our snacks with each other while everyone else fellowships with each other (friends, and families, they are a very close net group). Even though I and my friend will put our prayers out there, need be jobs, fincances, family sickness, during their fellowshipping with one another they will talk about their struggles and share their burdens and help one another to get through it or stay strong, the discuss this among themselves while fellowshipping. My friend and I, no body asks or inquires about our struggles no communication. So therefore, we eat are snack and then politely wish eveyone a good and safe week and we leave. Yes, it is hurtful that it is that way in the group, but my friend says, we are there to learn about the learn the things he wants us to know, so how they ignore us and not really want to fellowship with is not to be out main concern.
I have learned to accept this. but the whole Christian brother sister thing has got me baffled. You hear it all the time, TV pastors, your pastor at church, etc. I doesn't seem to work that way with everyone. So I have pulled back alot. i used to go to alot of studies, church, women studies, home bible studies, etc. I can say today its obvious I made no connections. I don't hear from anyone. I have found the first group was just a gossip group, so I feel no big loss getting out of that one.
This is how its been with church ppl. Don't know why..............

Soolee,

I have always wondered about those medical jobs, this is an at home job right? I have be checking out the at home jobs also.
So how is it that you don't like it? Tell me what all this involves.

Right now I babysit my 2yr grandson, it helped me out financially and it is security for my daughter in law that family is caring for her child. Don't get me wrong I love my grandson dearly, but this really isn't my thing babysitting. I like to work. So this was a temporary fix for income for now, and daughter in law did this to help me out. Yes, there will be some disappointment when I start out side job. But I feel it will be best for my grandson more so. Society places so much on our children as far as learning. I don't want my grandson to miss out on anything to do with learning. I don't want to hold him back. I want him to be smart in everything that he can be taught. Im just an old school type babysitter. Not good enough these days. Our children need all the opportunties to learn that we can offer them. I feel daycare facility could offer more learning skills then I ever could.
So this right now is temporary until I get healthy and can get back out there.


Yea, I guess I need to just stay away from accounting all together. Okay, next idea.................hahha

babysitting would hinder me from taking any classes right at the moment, but thought for future is good, just got to figure what I want to go I guess..................

catperson,
yeah, that is a good thought. But you know they travel far sometimes to a store to do this, my nephews wife likes to do this sort of thing, she has the personality and is very good with ppl talk know what i mean????
yea, i applied at Christian book store, didn't get the job and they like for newbies to work nites. We need to stick with the day jobs. Thank you for brainstorming with me. It is helping me to think out of the box, this is good thing to be doing. Thank you for your helping and your suggestions.

do you work? what do you do?
If you don't mind me asking?

Thanks....I'm in your corner.
Fact of the matter is: *DO NOTHING*...bide your time. You have NOTHING to Lose...and Everything to Gain.

NO FIGHT. Patience. *smile*, nod your head, side step...deflect.

You have the person you love hounding you. Preying on your mind and heart...and that is torture. Psychological warfare of a nefarious and insidious nature. To Disarm it...you need to understand it. it's nothing particularly profound in this case. He wants your money,,,,for whatever reason. <---Irrelevant! Do not give it to him. He CANNOT force you. but he sure can make your life Hellish in the mean time...or let him thinks so at any rate.
Still...there is a little trick to make ti more bearable. Stand outside yourself...and watch from the outside. Like you are observing yourself in the interaction with your H. Disinterested...analyzing the Mind Circus. Of it, but NOT part of it. Watch. Disengage.

He WILL start to fight dirtier. He won't be getting the same reactions from you...so he will up the bombardment on you. Watch for it. Side step it. Don't engage. this where you are looking at him with utter fascination...but seeing an ape twiddling itself.. Whatever you DO...don't laugh. *smirk* it's hard at times though...

Would the pastor give you a home to live in should your H up and leave with his bag of goodies? *no*

There is no rocket science in this equation. Survival. You need to take care of #1. He clearly does not make you #1. So therefore it becomes a duty to self to do so. You have a son and grandson. Should anything happen to your son, they will need you to fall back on.


Your H is making a very bad mistake. Women are much stronger than we are given credit for. Emotionally we allow ourselves to be jerked around...until we break the Cord...then we're FREE. You've got options...you just don't see them right now. You are choking in a cloud of Doubts. Ergo: THE PLAN So no matter what happens...you are already in motion and you land running.

You've got years of negative tapes playing in your head. Shut them off. Hit the Kill switch, whatever it takes. Focus on the Plan...you will be amazed at what you can create.
Cuz theyz better than everyone else.....LOL
pardon my sarcasm...
The most amazing people I know are all Buddhists.
Should my marriage ever fail...I will become a Buddhist Nun...cuz LAWD knows....Men are NOT worth the headache...LOL

Is your home rural? I forgot, Sorry. You could consider pet sitting. Baby sitting, children's art classes. All day nature study...tons of stuff on the net for that.


Get back into temping, until something solid materializes. Looks good on the resume.

Your self esteem issues may be playing a part, and I don't mean to hurt you by saying that, but you will need to take some responsibility for asserting yourself in new situations and making some effort to be a part of the group rather than waiting on the sidelines for some 'good soul' to recognize your plight and draw you in and take you under their wing. Doesn't always happen that way, even in church-related settings with 'Christian' people.

They may wonder why you stay to yourselves and don't try to make conversation. It works both ways. They also may not want to pry and are respecting your privacy.

I have found that you really need to be a good friend to have good friends. There needs to be give and take - or the relationship will lose its strength and drift away.

yes, I completely understand what you are saying, but in first group I was a friend a good friend cause I was havent these problems at that time, so I was my good ole self. When I started needing them and some spiritual guidance and support that is when my eyes were open to this. At that time I was able to come along side and help encourage them and ride out with them what they were struggling with, I was there for them any time all time. This is where my thinking of this conclusion comes from.
I feel I was a friend and thought I had friends, not so. But Im not hurt by what you say, I know sometimes I need to hear this, so please im not offended in any way.
I know that Im in a stinkin thinkin way right now. So I appreciate the sterness sometimes. We all need to get shaken a little to bring us to our senses. Right??

Thank You

thank you Souldragon,

i am storing all this in my thought banks.
I just so much love you guys and appreciate your support, and that goes for ALL of you.

I'm a writer/editor. I worked at NASA for 11 years, but had to quit to take a job that actually paid, lol. No, people at NASA do NOT make big bucks - it's government.

Now I work in a marketing department for a big oil and gas company.

What are your skills?

ETA: Ooh, I have a wonderful book for you to read. It's very small, very easy read, but VERY powerful. It's called The Dance of Anger. Please read it. You'll see yourself in there, and see a way out.

Well...I could just remember my mother telling me a few things when I was having trouble making friends, and I was basically passing on her wisdom.

My added advice,then, is that if you and your friend are comfortable as things are, perhaps your time would be better spent elsewhere, doing other things and meeting her periodically for coffee, etc.

Your need for helping might be better spent volunteering at the Red Cross or a local soup kitchen instead.

*meh*
Aye...but to always remember in the COLD light of day...those battles you will be fighting on your own.

Nobody here can fight this one for you, much as I would take great pleasure in tearing him apart. *sorry*

In his snarl sessions re: house. How does he treat you? What does he say? What are his favorite goads to get a rise out of you or break you down?

How do you respond? How do you feel at THAT moment? Where are your thoughts when he attacks you with the house issue?

^^^ this is YOUR part in the Mind Circus. You take ownership and control of them...and turn it to your advantage. it can be done, with great effect

He wants to destroy your resolve...give him enough rope to hang himself...

Always Rememeber, No Matter WHAT, YOU can at any time...call CHECK MATE.

...tell him. You want that divorce asap.

He WILL sing a NEW song....

...will warn you though....it's painful...like cutting out gangrene...but sometimes...it Must be done. You can try cutting off the most rotten parts...and hope that the rest will heal...but one may not be so lucky...and have to sacrifice an arm or leg. However it is necessary to ensure the life of the organism.

What is it that you really want/ need from HIM?
^^ that is NOT an easy question.

you sound like a pretty smart cookie, good for you.
Thanks for recommendation on book, do you know the author. i posted to Soolee somewhat of my skills you know reg administrtive stuff, i like working with office stuff, papers, projects, excel, data entry. I don't know how to explain it thoroughly. But you get the idea? sitting at computer most of the day, up down filing, research, data entry, phones, assisting others, etc.

soolee,

I no longer have any friends. Those ppl don't call me and I don't call them. Guess we have gone on our ways.................

So Im basically starting over with friends................... They were just a click!!!!!!!! My mother warned me about clicks.............
your sweet and I understand your trying to assist and help me to think out of box. Your OKAY in my book with what you say and suggest, I have no issues about it, and no you don't hurt my feelings. you make me think, and heaven knows I need that right now.

I HEAR YOU SOULDRAGON AND I LOVE YOU FOR ALL THIS SUPPORT. HOPE IM NOT DRAINING YOU BUT I AM RECIEVING STRENGTH FROM YOU AND EVERYONES SUPPORT HERE.

Im so GRATEFUL I found this forum and so GRATEFUL for all of your guys imput, suggestions, encouragement, etc. I feel myself getting a little stronger every day, and taking all the suggestions in. I love all of you guys.
I hope that I can come back with helpful suggestions to help all of you some day soon. right now with my stinkin thinking I don't feel i could up lift anyone, and so afraid that i would just bring them down and make them feel worst then they are already feeling.right now Im like a sponge, im taking all this in and trying to see how I can apply it.

IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!


High on LIFE. It's pretty wonderful.

Justpeace11: I know what it means to hold the power in your hands. You have to FEEL that. YOU are in the Power position. Do NOT let him shake you from it. THAT is HIS goal!!!

The SWEETEST part in your position...is you have to DO absolutely:
NOTHING!!!!

....and you WIN.
See,he has only one option in reality:
1. Sh*t or get off the pot.


That's really ALL there is to it.
The REST of it? Is only head games and emotional blackmail. Nothing more or Less.

LAWD O' mighty...the Dragon's coming out again...*shoooo* ----->back in your cave!!!!...it's a visceral thing...scaley trouble makers!!!...but they're sooo darn cute...till they breathe FIRE ...*tee hee*
As my mother would say:' You've got him by the Short and Curlies."
Mom...is a colorful lady.
....and ...she is almost always right. Just took me a while to accept it.

He's playing hardball with you. Jerking your chain with divorce. Fine. Fire back a cannonball. Game Over.

Who wants to live with that sort of mental/ emotional anguish?
For WHAT?

What gives him the 'right' to make a game of your life?
Nothing!

Pull the plug on his bogus "power play." One way or the other:
1. You MAKE peace.
or
2. You CREATE peace.

...Peace...is SO worth it..On YOUR terms.

at you at work right now.
do you have personal email?

No at home....I am 12:53 AM my time.

I think the Mods can give you my email. Cooper will have it.

Justpeace11: You don't have to put up with his crap. That is the Truth. There is ALWAYS a way out. Always.

You have to research how to protect yourself. In the US, you will be able to get a great deal of advice from the Women's shelters. I know this is not something you will likely feel is appropriate...but they will be able to point you in the right direction.

You are not alone. Countless other women have been through the same thing. Emotional abuse, verbal bombardments/ Abuse...whatever...you will have to reach out, like you have here. But you need to take it into Real Life. Don't be afraid OK? It's scary as hell...but that first step is truly the hardest...just grit your teeth and DO IT. Shaking like a leaf is normal. It will pass.

You have Mon-Fri without him around. Plenty of time to sort a few things out. Let NOTHING be found of your activities ok? Nothing. No notes...nothing on the PC. HIDE it well

Play *dumb*...play *stunned* ...whatever it takes. Gather as much info as you can.

BELIEVE in yourself!!!! I was scared sh*less...been there, in a foreign country...language barrier,.,,you name it...I managed it. Your worst enemy right now is yourSelf.


Keep brainstorming with the other ladies,...they have some great ideas and can help you with things on the USA end of things.

I've got to get to bed now...I will check in the AM for you ok?

thanks souldragon have a good nites sleep and thank you again for your input.

I don't believe mods will give out our emails to anyone.
sleep good.

Justpeace11;
Make a PLAN. It will help you when you are frazzled and torn with his BS. When you are not thinking straight...READ the PLAN.

1. Find the #'s of all the women's shelter's in your area.
2. Call them.
3. Seek out Legal advice or sources where you can research your situation. [ the internet has many ]
4. Take stock of the costs of running your house.
5. Update your resume. Highlight ALL your skills.

Believe in Yourself.

You are NOT trapped. Not by a long shot!!

Check in again later tonight with you ok?

good Morning,
UPDATE OF WEEKEND


Ok the weekend. Husband came up Sat (tired, but in good spirits)
I did miss him this week. Last week I had absolutely no feelings of separation, but this week I again wanted to try and settle this and work it out. So I gave him a warm home coming hug.

He took me out to dinner and then took me to a new movie that I had been wanting to see he had come out last week (we couldn't go). He was his ole self loving, kind, etc. We went down to store and shopped and bought him a cot to sleep on at brothers it was better then sleeping on floor. He had me try it out and check for the sturdiness. It was comfortable, (this helps me not to feel so guilty when Im sleeping in a comfortable and thinking my husband could be sleeping on the floor.

Everything was good and normal. Of course I had to fulfill his EM,even that was nice. He was more attentive. The next day he went and bought portable air conditioner for hse. Now, AC has been out all summer, the temps have been in 3 digits, he always had trouble sleeping at night (too hot). We run fans but that just pushes hot air around, but have been dealing with it all summer. So when he was home this weekend, it was 3 digits. He asked how in the world do you stand this (we have been dealing with this all summer). I told him I do what I got to do, get everything done in the AM and afternoon sit right smack in front of fan, other wise I'd die. When my grandson sleeps I have him under the fan to keep him cool as possible.
So he bought us a portable a/c (he doesn't want to put $$$ to fix hse A/C because this isn't his hse.

So I thought this was very nice of him. Then we also went out to breakfast that same day. I told him now I know how a truckers wife must feel, sees husband only on weekends and then he is off again.But right now this is good for us. I mention to him over dinner that we need to go back to square on with our relationship, sort of like it was when he was courting me. Work on getting those feelings going again, if there is any to work with. He said yes, he does miss me alot. (yes, I was feeling so good with this peace between us, I felt hope, but yet scared at the same time to let my walls down completely, so Im taking one day at a time, slowly and cautiously).
yes, I was enjoying all this. I was making little remarks to fill his love bank, and the way he was treating me was filling my love bank...............Although, we didn't talk about any problems we just enoyed spending time together.

He is mainly concerned about paying off my car, this is only major bill we have (next payday), this is how he justify paying on part of his debt, I explained this one in previous post). The guy does have a heart in spite of his anger issue. So Im thinking in my mind, (scared, leary) that when this car is paid off, he could cut me lose, after all this would eliminate him leaving me with any extra bills other then just living expenses, and there would be no guilt on him that he stuck me with it. So Im waiting to see if there will be another change in him once that bill is off of us.

he went out and bought portable A/C, bank wouldn't let him take out enough from his account so asked if he could borrow from hse acct (which he doesn't use), I told him he would have to put it back because that is my bill $$$$. (He only gives me $$$ for bills, groc, etc in that account, there is no extra $$$ I pretty much use all for bills, groc,etc. I don't have spending for extras, you know woman what Im talking about, we see a plant, or maybe some shoes, you know little things that we just pick up extra. So that is why I told him he has to put it back.
He keeps majority of $$ in his account, (my thought is don't be spending my little bit that you ration me).
IS THIS WRONG??????

So that is how my weekend was. Very loving consider guy that I had married. We cancelled doing anything the weekend before for his birthday. But this weekend coming up is actually his b day.
Im wondering if he'll stay at brothers or come home so we can do something special.

I am getting closer to making appt with Lawyer to work on putting him on a trust, (to start with) as time (year or two) goes on see how marriage is going and then go from there if he still persists.