It's no different than alcoholics or those addicted to drugs.

This is why the former wayward has to commit to EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS.

Your husband needs to commit to never seeing, talking or communicating with her in any fashion for the rest of his life.

My HUSBAND is kinda OBSESSED with this STILL..he's loosened up a BIT..but he takes certain routes, doesn't answer unknown calls, etc...he now HATES what the AFFAIR did to HIM..to US...

The only thing I regret (for lack of a better word) about having to keep NC between OW and my H is that he can't tell her what a tramp she is. LOL. I know my H is guilty of the same sin and has no room to talk, but I still entertain the idea. In my case the OW, was sooooooo sure my H "loved" her, would dump me, stayed with me out of obligation, blah, blah.

They weren't "friends." You don't go around helping your "friends" destroy themselves and their family. If OW is still in a fog that my H is still somehow missing her or whatever, I'd love for him to smack her a few dozen times with his own 2x4. Even if she's not in a fog, I still like the idea of him telling her what a joke their relationship was. Am I the only one with thoughts of having their FWS deliver some crushing blows to the OP?

This is NOT UNIQUE. Same was true in my situation...

After he finishes bashing her, he will soon be HOOKED again...wanting to tell her how sorry he is..

I'm still waiting for the day my H even feels anger for OW> He keeps telling me that my anger is misdirected. Ow never cared about me and never will. She has to make peace with her actions and it should NOT have anything to do with us. Hmmm....sounds easier said than done. I tell him that if I directed all the anger I had for her towards him, as he suggests, we may be burrying him some time soon! It's easier for me to dislike her than it would be for me to dislike him. I HATE his actions, but I cannot hate him.

I realize now that I need to find a path to forgiveness. I'm not even close yet. We are approaching one year to D-day, the day he uttered "i think i'm supposed to be with her". I feel great anxiety about this approaching day. Maybe when it's over I'll feel a sense of relief. And, then there's always the need for a new job to come up for him. He believes it's not necessary but is absolutely needed. He recognizes the importance of NOT working anywhere near her but he feels very confident that this will NEVER happen to him again. I gently remind him that although many alcoholics don't choose to drink any more...they don't tempt themselves by working at a bar!

My kitchen guys just called to say they're not coming today. Poop! I need to kitchen renovation to END!~

I never said it was unique situation. Was only pointing out what the OW's mind set was. If OW didn't care because she was onto the next guy or just in it for sex, she probably wouldn't care what my H would say to her and therefore there would be no point.


Nope.

Black Raven,
Does your husband exhibit anger for OW? This is probably one of my biggest struggles. H shows no anger for her. When I point out to him the horrific things she did to us as a family he seems aware, but not angry. I WISH deeply that he would renounce her and tell me all the nice things he said about her were wrong. He just seems to want to leave her in the past and focus on us. I struggle with this. But, hey...I didn't compare him to another man!

H did exhibit anger for OW at one time but not now. H was/is more angry with himself than her because HE brought this pain into our home. H did initially feel bad for using her. There's no denying he did. He did hate OW for using him as well. H realizes how incredibly stupid and thoughtless their affair was. Now that his head has been dislodged from his [censored], he can see her for the kind of person she is; the fantasy is dead. She didn't care about him, she didn't care about his kids, she didn't care about her own kids. H feels deep remorse for hurting me and our family as well as the OWH and his kids. Her...not so much. My H told her the affair was over; he didn't love her; he regreted every single moment of it; and that he wasn't going to be party to continuing to hurt people, etc.

OW didn't want to give up and did things which ticked him off: 1 - OW tells my H her plan of how they can still be together. He was disgusted. 2 - OW blames him for the entire affair. If H hadn't lied to her she never would have started the A. She's innocent. :RollieEyes: 3 - OW tries to hurt me with A details.

H was already disgusted by his actions and her actions. The way that OW acted after D-day just amplified what a pig she was. He doesn't speak of her unless I bring up the A. Right now H wants to repair our relationship and is focusing on that.

I wonder how I would feel if this was a different kind of A. My H had an EA. This, to me, was an affair of the heart. To me, I struggle getting past this. But, I'm not sure I could get past the other. When I first realized what was going on at work I was like a crazy sexual beast. Almost as if I was trying to 'show' him why he should be with me. I feel soooo stupid being that sad little person with her hand in the air screaming "PICK ME". I resent him sometimes for having put me in that position.

OW offered him major ego boost. And, she used her position at work (his subordinate) to get more time with him. A few times she even suggested they go for dinner, as she had nothing to do that night. Fortunately he never went. It's funny, I've seen others post this too...he NEVER took time away from our family. I mean actual time. He was home the same time and here all weekend. This was strictly a work issue. Oh, unless you count the late night calls after we were all asleep. Ok, I'm getting off topic...

My new gig is to try to turn negatives into positives. I'll see what I can do. No dwelling...no being sad just to be sad.

Your d-day was so recent. What do you do to keep yourself focused and not angry?

I'm still angry but I don't let it overwhelm me. I focus on my children, work, and of course my M. Like you, my kitchen is in shambles due to a remodel so I'm busy with that and other things we are doing around the house. The anger is there but I'm not going to jeopardize our recovery by dwelling on the A 24/7. I have a second chance with my H & M so I try the best I can to improve today instead of living in a past that I can't change. The alternative gets me nowhere. Still have my ups and downs but I need to heal for myself as well as my children because they need a healthy mom.

Last night H and I had a long talk. It had the potential to go south very quickly. My emotions are like a boiling pot. We started talking about the "why" to his EA. This, of course, usually comes down to some things that he was missing in our marriage. Ok, I get that, but it's hard for me because it feels like a comparison.

What was missing for you two? H and I just simply stopped 'talking'. We spoke to each other, but were so wrapped up in our own lives -- work & kids. OW was convenient and easy. Now, we need to find ways to incorporate each other each and every day. This is most difficult for H as he is a very private person. He still struggles with the password for his computer issue. He believes it a form of total control. I've tried to explain to him that my world is an open book. I have many, many passwords for various accounts and they are all written down in a book in my desk. He still chooses to NOT give me his computer passcode as he says it's against company policy as he works in the stock/finance world. So, he's given me access to his blackberry where all his email & phone records can be tracked. I really don't care about the work computer, but it does bother me a bit that he sees this aspect of recovery as control.

H was raised under a veil of suspicion. My MIL always thought everyone was out to get her and so do his sisters. I'm much, much more gullable -- I suppose that's how he got away with EA. Anyway, I was simply wondering where you guys missed a beat, if you've figured it out yet.

One more thing about last night's talk...

Towards the end it got a bit heated. He was saying things about me that I found hurtful. I asked his opinion as to exactly HOW I've apparently 'stiffled" him. Well, when he gave me an example it didn't seem fair. But, I asked!!! He could sense that I was getting really angry. He came over to me, grabbed me by the body and pulled me into a hug. He said 'let's stop it now...this is no longer productive and I can see you're getting angry' I would have never had the power to shut my anger off and it surely would have escalated into a full blown battle. I am appreciative for his intelligence and thought.

This is true for many companies. In fact, if I give my FWW my company password and someone finds out, I'll lose my job.

Thank you...I appreciate that tremendously.

Fiori:

As I told you before, I was also focused on the OW much too long.

What I think can really help you though, is to begin to focus on YOURSELF..just like in PLAN A..focus on being the BEST WIFE that YOU can be...

Your OW was not all that SPECIAL..

Your H's affair was not all that SPECIAL...

My H left me for the OW..abandoned a marriage of over 25 years for HER..not just because of the SEX..he was "in love" with her..thought she was his "true love"..like you say..an affair of the heart...so your situation is not unique..in fact, in MANY WAYS, you are BLESSED..it was not SEXUAL PLUS ROMANTIC..HE DIDN'T LEAVE YOU..I know it hurts the same..but COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS..

FOCUS ON MEETING HIS EMOTIONAL NEEDS...

FOCUS ON YOURSELF..and NOT on what you need for HIM to do...

YOU CAN ONLY CONTROL YOURSELF...

FOCUSING on other than YOURSELF will cause you to be FRUSTRATED and then ANGRY...

Plus, it's WAY EARLY...

This takes time...

The very last step for my H was to REALLY see the OW for who she REALLY is/was...

Then, the ANGER comes towards HER...

But as I said before, he will come to realize that it was not about HER..but how she made him FEEL....

I agree with Black Raven about the process. It's all so scripted. The OW in our situation was like Raven's..didn't show remorse or acceptance of responsibility which was one of the final dealbreakers....

Mimi,
Today I need alot of help.

This morning I looked at my H's calendar for the year. He has put in all the dates for our kids and days off, soccer games etc...I wrote him a sweet card and was going to put it in his bag for a later date to simply 'find'. His calendar opened to March. I started reading... No school, data migration...just very basic stuff. So, there it is. On both March 22 and March 25 there are little inconspicuous check marks. I took it upon myself to look at my secret stash of info. There it is, in black and white. There are both the dates of OW's birthday and the anniversary of when she started working at the company. So, now what???? He's still lying to me? He's still carrying on with her??? I'm supposed to be happy. I supposed to act like I'm the best damn wife in the world. How do I do that now?

Ask him what the marks mean. His answer (what he says AND what he doesn't say) should tell you all you need to know.

Fiori,

Take it from someone who has BTDT, until he leaves the company and she is no longer across the street he will remain stuck. I worked with my FOM for 2 years after I ended the A and kept myself in withdrawal, but didn't realize it. It was the constant reminders that made it hard to get over. Just seeing his car in the parking lot, seeing his name on something, seeing his name on a work email message or anything else for that matter, knowing he was sitting in his office, having someone mention his name, etc, etc, all kept me stuck.

The company I worked for had 2 offices across town from each other and it didn't make a bit of difference if he was in the opposite office or not than I was the reminders were still there.

Neither my FOM nor I wanted to be in the A, kept everything professional, I only worked 6 days a month and it was this hard, I cannot imagine how hard it would have been if I worked every day.

IMO, he will not "get over her" until he removes himself from the situation.

LC

His answer is...
He tends to be very thoughtless when monumental dates occur on the calendar. He's aware that I'm very anxious about the date of d-day and it's approaching. So, he says he put the checks on her birthday so he was completely accountable on those days in case I was a basket case.

I know I'm supposed to believe him (or maybe not), but it seems thoughtless to have done so.

This morning I was invited to a ladies 9-12am cocktail party!! I am a wreck inside but I'm going.