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#2124069 09/09/08 09:24 AM
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Found out two weeks ago that my 16 yo dtr is pregnant. The father is a hispanic 19 yo gang member with shaved head, tatoos all over his body, wears a 'wife beater' shirt and the only job he has is being courier for the local drug dealers. Figure he will be in prison before too long or killed eventually.

Dtr was diagnosed bi-polar last year and was in an institution for 9 mos to get her stabilized and once out - stopped taking the required meds and gets her self in this state.

At first my wife wanted an abortion - I put my two cents in and basically said I would not be party to killing grandkids against our dtr wishes. Now the hard part is what is our plan? In a state of denial at this time but need to devise a plan for our dtr to be productive member of society and making sure the child will be raised properly.

So I am going to ask the wise folks here - is there any links or ideas out there?

I am flirting with the idea to take legal custody to make sure my dtr gets her education completed and any post secondary studies.

Not to mention that this will put my wife back in a state of mid-life crisis or depression. I see her drinking is increasing. I cant say I blame her sometimes - I keep saying we need to pull the family to gether and to develop a plan once we are out of the state of shock.


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rwinger,

1.The website at depressedteens.com has many articles and podcasts for helping teens and their families deal with bipolar disorder.
2. Is your daughter currently in school? Did she go to a residential treatment center? Was this paid for by the schools or a state agency? Why did she leave?
3. Have you talked to an attorney about getting a conservatorship for your daughter so that you can insist that she stay on her meds? This varies greatly by state.
4. Was she stable on meds?

I am sorry you are faced with this challenge.


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1.The website at depressedteens.com has many articles and podcasts for helping teens and their families deal with bipolar disorder.

Thanks
2. Is your daughter currently in school? Did she go to a residential treatment center? Was this paid for by the schools or a state agency? Why did she leave?

Criminal act - court ordered but court realized there was other reasons and wanted some phsych treatment. Sentence was 9 mos.

In Texas - parents pay unless you cannot do so. Cost was ~$20k

Some background - she was gang-raped at 14 in an apt complex not far from our residence. The perpetrators apparently were undocumented day workers. Police were not much help since the facts did not come out until 2 wks later. The perpetrators have since left, etc. Was advised it was culture misunderstanding. Not much could be done and am very disappointed in the police.

3. Have you talked to an attorney about getting a conservatorship for your daughter so that you can insist that she stay on her meds? This varies greatly by state.

Good friend is an atty - will check into it.

4. Was she stable on meds? Yes - was doing well in a Sylvan tutoring classes during the summer.



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Wow RW, I feel for ya, BTDT. Today (almost five years later) I and my DH ADORE our bi-racial granddaughter. She is the light in our world and we wouldn't trade her for anything. With that said, IT HAS NOT BEEN EASY.

My DD was also 16 when she got pregnant by a worthless POS who she "loved". She stayed when him until just recently when he almost choked her to death. He maybe had three jobs in the past five years, slept all day, partied all night, all on my daughter's ticket. What's crazier is that she also had another child with him, our grandson. After the recent events, the police are looking for him AND our grandson. Thank GOD she never married him.

With all that said, one of the things I regret is sitting that young man down and insisting that he stick by my daughter's side. I even insisted that he sign the birth certificate in the hospital. What a dope! The BEST thing I could have done for my daughter is what you're contemplating. I should have taken over completely, booted him out from the very beginning and helped my daughter get on with her life.

In our situation, HE was bi-polar. We just never knew where he was coming come or what he would do next.

((Rwinger))


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Rwinger, I am sorry. I have two different aunts/uncles that went through similar and took custodianship of the grandkids. In their case it was difficult, but the grandkids are really blessings.

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my 16 yo dtr is pregnant. The father is a hispanic 19

I agree with PrincessMeg, in keeping the guy out of the kids lives if at all possible.

I also would not hesitate to prosecute him if it is considered statuatory rape, but I'm not sure if it is. I'm sure you are very aware of what the ages are for prosecution. This might help also, to keep him out of the baby's life.

Maybe with a baby in the house your wife will in fact drink less, or stop altogether. Not sure how young your youngest is though.

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Thanks PM

Since we live down the road from ya - you may well understand my situation.

Your situation is very close to mine. Raising a child of mix heritage - no concern there. I am Itai-Irish x-canuck - wife is PA German. We are all blond hair - blue eye - ought to be a fun contrast. In our family we have an african-american and an asian brother in law. Sort of like a gumbo during the holidays.

I saw your ordeal - could not help to wonder if I have seen that guy and your grandson with out knowing it.

Money notwithstanding (I can deal with the logistics of that) - I am concerned with long term committment and how to get my dtr to get her "act" together. My wife is stressing because plans of a quiet household are being put on hold. She says now that she doesnt have the energy for this any longer. I can understand her position. I am sure its the shock still settling in.

I think once a plan is ironed out and in place - she will be in good shape. Lots of unknowns - older son is engaged so the family is expanding.


Weaves -

Agree this guy is a thug. Not sure if he even knows yet. May not care anyway. Will need to have a sitdown with the family to see what we should do and how to proceed. Thinking of a way to allow him to step up and be a man or the opportunity to take off. Either way - she will not need his CS - we can provide.

Last edited by rwinger; 09/09/08 11:06 AM.

Me:52
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PM-

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With all that said, one of the things I regret is sitting that young man down and insisting that he stick by my daughter's side. I even insisted that he sign the birth certificate in the hospital. What a dope! The BEST thing I could have done for my daughter is what you're contemplating. I should have taken over completely, booted him out from the very beginning and helped my daughter get on with her life.

This is exactly the advice I need to chew on. I feel that if we push them together - chaos will be the rule.

She will live in poverty forever. I have to at least get her education covered and support the grand child until she is able to. I cannot abandon her but I dont want her to have a free ride away from her consequences. The balance is what I am struggling with currently.


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One thing you might want to consider is getting the school system on board for her educational needs. She has a disability which is affecting her ability to benefit from her education, and there are federal laws which require the school district to provide for her needs. This may include residential treatment.
See wrightslaw.com for more information. Since she is 16 you might have a fight to get them to help her, but it is often a winnable fight.
I do want to encourage you-- she can get better with treatment.
I guess if it were me, and custody of the grandchild was a serious option, I would consider putting her back in residential treatment out of state until she finished high school. That would have the benefit of creating distance from the baby's father.


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I don't know where you live, but in the two Texas school districts I've lived in, the district has an official school and/or daycare for pregnant teens. Either the girls go to the temporary school or the regular school, and once the baby is born, each district has a daycare center you can take your kids to while you go to school.

My best friend's daughter (oldest of 8 kids) had this opportunity and she tried it for 2 weeks and decided she didn't want to get up that early, to get the baby to daycare before she went to school - even though the district provided transportation for both of them. So she just quit school, married, another baby, divorced, another baby, married. *sigh* Like mother like daughter, I guess. She just wanted to be a housewife just like her mom. Unfortunately, mom had to take on the lion's share of raising the babies while daughter took one crap job after another.

If it was my daughter and she was rebelling, I'd send her to a boarding school where she has to live on campus, and I'd take a leave of absence and move there until she got the gist that I wasn't going to let her skip out of school. That's how important school is to me; took me 15 years to get my BA, and I had crummy jobs that whole time, until I could look at the professional section in the want ads. And I've told my D18 that I would do that; nothing gets in the way of graduation, even if I have to sleep in her room and hold her hand all the way to class.

But that's just me. wink


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Thanks again Chrysalis,

School is in the loop on both situations. They have quite a few pregnant students in all different stages. They have there own room to go at the HS but are in the mainstream. Attendance requirement are relaxed and provide extra tutoring. So far - oddly enough they have been a great help. The ladies at the school have been real supportive.

I have to ponder the last piece. Residential treatment is needed.We havent received the go-ahead on medication because of the pregnancy - first task this week.

Have taken a "Just Learning" advice of gathering as much data as possible and to let the date guide the decision. Often times the decision is in front of you.

Interesting how hard is to find information for the parents.

Called Planned Parenthood and was hung up twice since I was not my dtr. Was asking about options for medical care and prescriptions danger to unborn and any assistance for teenage mothers. Rcvd rude responses from and hung up - good grief - not sure what their reason for being is now other than abortion.


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We are in the Rich/Garland are of DFW.

Apparently they have good programs - just getting the gist of it now.

Our next issue is to get drug information from the doctor - she was taking seqretrol (sp?) and lithium. Not taking it now and was not taking it like she should have been.


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Planned parenthood is a horrific organization.

Most likely there is no crime here unless your daughter was having sex with him while she was 15. I am assuming you did not know about this pos and your daughter...RIGHT????

He should not be told of the pregnancy and I would strongly suggest your moving to get away from him.


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Not sure if you meant seroquel or tegretol. Here's what I got from googling

"drugname and pregnancy"

Seroquel and Pregnancy

In animal studies on Seroquel and pregnancy, the drug caused low birth weight, slow development, and increased miscarriages. As a result, the FDA has classified it as a pregnancy Category C medication. If you are taking Seroquel and pregnancy occurs, your healthcare provider will compare the benefits and risks of Seroquel before making a recommendation for your particular situation.

bipolar-disorder.emedtv.com/seroquel/seroquel-and-pregnancy.html

http://www.otispregnancy.org/pdf/lithium.pdf

www.otispregnancy.org/pdf/tegretol.pdf


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It is recommended that Seroquel treatment be discontinued during pregnancy. Women taking Seroquel should not breast-feed their infants.

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She was taking both then they took her off tegretol and instead Lithium. There has been no less than 12 doctors and tens of thousands of dollars spent mind you.

She is on seroquel precriptions but we have taken it away until the doctor appt. Thanks - for some reason - shock perhaps - had diff finding the proper info.

Thanks Medc- glad you popped in - this is a father's nightmare or burden when you first hear it. Oddly enough - we are in the best financial position to raise a child if need be. Nevertheless her education has to be paramount for the next 2-6 yrs.

The bi-polar thing is another speed bump. I have come to conclusion that for most part psychiarists are useless.


Me:52
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Most likely there is no crime here unless your daughter was having sex with him while she was 15. I am assuming you did not know about this pos and your daughter...RIGHT????

U got it - have only seen him around once down the street after the fact. If I or my sons had known she was seeing this creep - there would be no issue now. In fact - will have to be careful on telling her brothers.


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I can understand exactly how your wife feels as I have felt the same way about 100 times. When do my H and I get to enjoy our life alone? LOL

This all hit during his affair but the birth of our GD, aided much in our recovery.

The thing about her living in poverty is true unless you step in NOW and she gets her act together to finish school, even with the pregnancy. As her father, I would encourage her NOT to tell the father of this baby about the baby. If at all possible, I'd move away from the area. Otherwise, you're going to find yourself supporting your daughter and your grandchild for a very long time (if she doesn't let go of HIM and doesn't finish school).

We're having to get a larger house now so that my daughter and her kids can move in with us (as soon as we get the baby back) but we're willing to do it because she's FINALLY (after five years) wised up to the fact that if she stayed in the rut with HIM that she was in, her life was never going to get better).

There is lots of help out there for single mothers (and pregnant teens) -- WIC, Medicaid (if you don't carry her), there's even state-paid child care for working single mothers.

It'll be tough. She'll also need counseling on NOT getting pregnant AGAIN.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story

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