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rprynne Offline OP
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Perhaps I am just wired this way, but how do you "shut off" the sense of duty to protect your (F)WW? I see some BH's post statements that imply they just don't care what happens to the (F)WW. I struggle with this.


Me 43 BH
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Jennifer taught my wife and I that if you are going to recover your marriage, it is your number one responsibility to protect each other. I'm not sure who is telling you otherwise, but it is critical to protect one another in recovery. No one I know that is working the MB program would tell you otherwise.

DR. HARLEY'S RULE OF PROTECTION:

1. The Rule of Protection: Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness.

If you and your husband want to be in love with each other, you must build your Love Bank accounts. But before you build them, you must be sure there are no leaks in the Love Bank. It's pointless to deposit love units into a sieve, where every deposit is promptly withdrawn by a Love Buster. So you must make a special effort to plug up those leaks by committing yourselves to avoid being the cause of each other's unhappiness.

The most obvious things spouses do to ruin their love for each other is what I call Love Busters. They are angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, annoying behavior, selfish demands and dishonesty. I describe these destructive habits in my basic concepts, but if you need special help learning how to avoid them, I suggest you read, Love Busters: Overcoming Habits that Destroy Romantic Love. This book will help you identify the Love Busters that keep emptying your Love Bank accounts, and show you how to stop inflicting them on each other.






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Rprynne,

I don't think we should. It is a husband's duty to protect his DW. Even it that means protecting them from themselves and their poor choices. Part of what led me toward recovery was a sense that I wanted to protect my DW and consequently our children from the untold damage that would be done had I chose not to. I am a man of my word and I took vows to do so. Just because DW choose to break those vows, doesn't mean that I should to.

Want2Stay


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FWW-34
DS-7 & DS-3
PA - 7/06-8/06
EA - 6/06-1/07
D-Day: wife confessed 2-17-07, suspected 8-02-06
Broke NC: 2-19-07, 3-24-07, 5/07
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Originally Posted by rprynne
I see some BH's post statements that imply they just don't care what happens to the (F)WW. I struggle with this.

I am guessing they are dealing with ACTIVE waywards possibly.

Otherwise these BS's are in a state of mind called withdrawal.
As Dr. Harley expains it better, here is a quote.

FROM, The Three States of Mind in Marriage:

"When one spouse enters the state of Withdrawal, the other usually follows. After all, what is the point? If she is meeting none of his needs and rebuffing every effort he makes to meet hers, he might as well give up, too. The thoughtless behavior by each spouse toward the other becomes too great to bear, so they stop caring. Trust is a faint memory.

Emotional needs can be met only when we are emotionally vulnerable to someone who meets those needs. When we are in the state of Withdrawal, our emotional needs cannot be met because we've raised our defenses. Even when a spouse tries to meet an emotional need, the defensive wall blunts the effect to prevent any Love Bank deposits.

Couples in Withdrawal are really in a state of emotional divorce. When they've been in Withdrawal for any length of time, they will sleep in separate rooms, take separate vacations, and eat meals at different times. They will not communicate unless they must. If that doesn't work, they either separate or obtain a legal divorce."







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Originally Posted by rprynne
Perhaps I am just wired this way, but how do you "shut off" the sense of duty to protect your (F)WW? I see some BH's post statements that imply they just don't care what happens to the (F)WW. I struggle with this.

Eventually, your ability to care will be destroyed by a WW. When you first learn of the affair, you want to protect your WW from everything.

The problem comes in when they do not want to be protected or when the WW projects all the problems of the marriage upon you. Therefore in her wayward reasoning, she needs protection from you.

It doesn't matter how much you care, as long as she's still wayward, there is no way for you to effectively protect her.

The rule of protection isn't about protecting her from everything else, such as the consequences of her decisions. It's making sure you are not a source of pain.

So, if she's already written you off, your attempts to win her back to the marriage, ironically, violate the rule of protection.

So how do you help and protect someone who while foggy from an affair, blames you for all the unhappiness in her life?

You get out.

That's the only way you can protect them.

Eventually, maybe, they'll figure out that you are not the source of their unhappiness, or at least you were not the sole source.

But it may be too late at that point to save the marriage.

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RPRYNNE,

"they just don't care what happens to the (F)WW. I struggle with this."

As do I.

They must be in total pain and are striking out that way in their grief, and/or advocating and bragging about their revenge affairs.

AND/OR they are just posturing and down in their deepest heart of hearts they do care.

OR they have stayed together in a miserable dead marriage and that sense of duty rotted away...but it is easier than the alternative....and if something DID happen to the (F)WW then it would be a brand new day!!

Or its "for the kids".

IMHO

kirk


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Originally Posted by krusht
RPRYNNE,

"they just don't care what happens to the (F)WW. I struggle with this."

As do I.

They must be in total pain and are striking out that way in their grief, and/or advocating and bragging about their revenge affairs.

AND/OR they are just posturing and down in their deepest heart of hearts they do care
.


OR they have stayed together in a miserable dead marriage and that sense of duty rotted away...but it is easier than the alternative....and if something DID happen to the (F)WW then it would be a brand new day!!

Or its "for the kids".

IMHO

kirk

Chalk me up for these two reasons.

Doesn't mean I don't care....just not as much as I used to.


"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth"

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rprynne Offline OP
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Thanks for the responses.

I guess I'm just having a rough day.

I do understand the rule of protection and my FWW is not an active WS. I just get stalled in taking action not so much because I worry what will happen to me, but because I worry what will happen to her. I am growing to hate that about myself, which feels like a tragedy.


Me 43 BH
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Originally Posted by rprynne
Perhaps I am just wired this way, but how do you "shut off" the sense of duty to protect your (F)WW?

Protect her from WHAT exactly? What do you mean EXACTLY by this?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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rprynne,

"I just get stalled in taking action not so much because I worry what will happen to me, but because I worry what will happen to her"

OK, now I think I want to take back my first response, but maybe not!!

You get stalled in taking action to..what...protect your (F)WW?

And as Mel so eloquently put it, "protect her from what?"

Sorry, do not understand.

"what will happen to her" If you protect her? Or don't protect her?

confused kirk


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Protect her from WHAT exactly? What do you mean EXACTLY by this?

I guess I just feel like my FWW is never really going to "get it" until I leave her. Once I leave her, I think she will eventually regret it very deeply and be miserable. That is a life I want to protect her from.

I still care more for her well-being than I do my own. I think that is protecting someone. I would assume most felt that way when they got married, so I asked how do they stop doing that.

I imagine you will tell me this is nonsense, which is why I said maybe I am just wired this way.


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You get stalled in taking action to..what...protect your (F)WW?

Protect myself.


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It's funny, you lay out the situation, we comment on it slamming her, then you defend her!! You are a good guy. Now what is that saying about good guys?? smile

K - Its an irony that you commented on this thread. The above was a quote from you on 08/30/2005, and that was what got me thinking about my question.


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Originally Posted by rprynne
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Protect her from WHAT exactly? What do you mean EXACTLY by this?

I guess I just feel like my FWW is never really going to "get it" until I leave her. Once I leave her, I think she will eventually regret it very deeply and be miserable. That is a life I want to protect her from.

I still care more for her well-being than I do my own. I think that is protecting someone. I would assume most felt that way when they got married, so I asked how do they stop doing that.

I imagine you will tell me this is nonsense, which is why I said maybe I am just wired this way.

It's not nonsense.

It's what makes people like us (trying to save our marriages) more of the passionate type than some that could just "walk".

I have learned lately that passion is a good thing.

You protect things that you are passionate about.

The problem I see in your case (and I was guilty too) is that you need to become more passionate about your own well-being, and less worried about your WW's well-being.

Remember...even if you want to protect her, she cannot be protected by anyone else if she isn't protecting herself...it's a waste of time.



"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth"

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rprynne--

I think maybe the difference here is that some of these marriages are "in recovery" (although I personally debate whether or not they really are, but that's neither here nor there).

From what I gather, you still have a WW on your hands?

My personal stance is (coming from a FWW)... that a active WW shouldn't get any protection from the consequences of their own actions. If they take a huge fall, so be it-- school of hard knocks, ya know? You can't protect anyone from their own stupidity. My H tried to protect me, and I wish he wouldn't have, actually. I appreciate him and love him for the fact that he did NOW, but I didn't appreciate it then. I see it as a huge sacrifice he made now-- and a stupid one. I wish he wouldn't have, and would have let the school of hard knocks deal me lesson after lesson. I think I would have learned faster... that's why I don't like the BH's around here with ACTIVE WW that don't do anything about it. That's what my H did. He did everything they tell you NOT TO here... from giving me $$ while I was out of the house, to "leaving" the house when I "needed time to think"... blah blah blah puke

Where I think the story changes is once you've got a repentant FWW on your hands that is really going the distance, maintaining NC, etc etc (and for more than a few days-- that's stepped up and consistently done the work). Then I am with you. I just don't get it then. There's a few around here tho... not everyone can let things go that easily. My H had a hard time too, and a lot of what he said to me and did was much like some of the more "angry" posters here. Some of them are years out of their D-days tho... at which point, I would tend to think its NEVER gonna get any better... frown

I give my H credit-- recently (the past few months) he's REALLY stepped up and started doing his half. We still have our lows, but they aren't nearly as frequent or as often. And he seems to be opening up again, slowly, slowly. And we are falling in love again. Its like a MB picturesque story grin

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Originally Posted by introvert
Remember...even if you want to protect her, she cannot be protected by anyone else if she isn't protecting herself...it's a waste of time.

EXACTLY.

I guess that was what I was trying to say in my long-winded post above crazy

E.




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Originally Posted by rprynne
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Protect her from WHAT exactly? What do you mean EXACTLY by this?

I guess I just feel like my FWW is never really going to "get it" until I leave her. Once I leave her, I think she will eventually regret it very deeply and be miserable. That is a life I want to protect her from.

I still care more for her well-being than I do my own. I think that is protecting someone. I would assume most felt that way when they got married, so I asked how do they stop doing that.

So, if I were a practicing alcoholic, you would protect me from the consequences because you "care" about me? What you are doing is called ENABLING, not protecting. Your W will not ever get it because she doesn't have to GET IT. She doesn't have to be a decent wife and she is less of a person for it. She gets away with being a non participant in your marriage. Both of you suffer as a result.

People change, grow and mature as a result of CONSEQUENCES; ie: the pain that comes as a from our ACTIONS. THAT is the impetus for change. That is how we GROW as a human being into a BETTER PERSON. That is how we build character.

You are "protecing" her from growing into a better person.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by rprynne
I still care more for her well-being than I do my own. I think that is protecting someone.

That is NOT the protection Dr. Harley teaches.

Dr. H's protection is about each spouse protecting the other from words and actions that can hurt the other. It is NOT about protecting the spouse from consequences from his/her OWN actions. That is enabling, not protecting.

What you are describing is being a doormat and IMO you are accepting that this is all you are going to get.






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She needs to do more than just stop her affair rpryne. Unless things have dramatically changed in your situation and her attitude I don't think she's done a single thing to earn that "F" tag yet.

Your protecting her from the consequences of her actions and choices will likely ensure she never gets it and never becomes a "F"WW


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DUDE,

""The above was a quote from you on 08/30/2005, and that was what got me thinking about my question.""

Oh man, you made me go back and find that quote. You then said in the next post that "you weren't a good guy and didn't mean to be defending her"

And Ms Lane was right there giving you heck back then. :twobyfour:

But then I went back further and read my first post. And dear Believer was the first responder! I posted in JFO and was told in the 3rd or 4th post to go over to general questions, where I seem to have dwelt ever since.

But, OUCH!! talk about some triggers!!!

Thanks a lot ol' buddy!!

So, anyway, do you go back over your old posts to reminisce, or did you remember it for all this time.

I think MEL hit it right on the button as far as instead of protecting her you are really enabling her.

IMHO

kirk


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