Cinderella, why did this trigger you honey!?

Stella,

I really like your approach on this.

So many forget about care and what care means.

You have those that will do whatever the OS wants irregardless of how it makes the individual feel, you have others who only are willing to do what they want to do irregardless of how the OS feels, and then there are those that care for themselves and their spouse in a way that works for both.

He didn't even go to my father's funeral because there was a hockey game on tv that day.


what a d*^k

rythmes with sick....

you are way way way way way better off without THAT....

ARKie

"Since hair grows about half an inch per month, they must have messed up 6 inches of bangs. "

You are so funny!

Let me be more specific. THE ENTIRE FRONT AND TOP OF MY HAIR WAS RUINED BY CUTTING AND CHOPPING IT.

Those cheap hair places tend to pull all the hair up and chop,chop,chop. But my hair does not do well with that type of cutting. Imagine the entire top of your head chopped into strange uneven "layers" that do not mesh with the hair underneath. Then you have a chopped off top with long, stringy, thin hair hanging on the bottom of your head.

There is no way you can style this type of mess. It is a nightmare and always looks like a cheap bad haircut.

It takes many months to wait for those short uneven parts for chopped off hair on the top and sides of your head to REGROW into something a good stylist can style.

Tab:

It sounds like you got rid a bad egg anyway.

But can't you see the role of EN's in both of you?

You couldn't spend any money because he would freak out.

His FS EN trumped his P/A need. However, it had you in a Catch-22. No cash for hair care, you don't look your best. Catch22

But then, if you can learn ot POJA, you can work thru these issues. Maybe moving forward in future relationships you can employ POJA. And discuss finances and other EN's to have a better M.

And about Flamingo? Spends $175 after tip at the Salon. Monthly.
Yes, she looks fabulous. And she's the cheapskate in the family. But I spend it willingly. And it ain't taking food off the table. (If it was, THAT would be a differnet issue) Because it's my EN that she is trying to support.

LG

Tab, you WORKED and made your own money! Surely you could go to a nice salon with YOUR money. Don't spouses who both work, have "mad money" that does not go to bills or food?

I just cannot believe he would not let you spend money on your beauty.

Ok, stella - you're back in my good graces.

BTW, I've had expensive haircuts that I cried over....once I had a cheap haircut that I refused to pay for and went to a department store salon and got it cut again - 30 minutes later. I paid her and went back a few times.

So, I do keep telling The Diplomat that I'll start highlighting again, since he does like blonde hair and I am no longer blonde. But, he has to want it badly enough to pay for it - on an ongoing basis. He hasn't presented the money, yet. However, if he were around more (that's the problem with LDRs), he just might do it.

In reality, I suppose I might feel differently if I'd ever felt it mattered to someone who loved me. My x didn't care how good I looked. My dad never told me I was beautiful. The two men I've dated since the divorce have never expressed a preference. The Diplomat tells me I don't need to do all that stuff unless I do it for myself. He'd rather have RC and good conversation.

I think this is the key, for me. Some women prefer to be "polished" as in, they look completely different when they take off their make up/don't do their hair.

I don't like that. I used to be a sweats/no-makeup/wet hair in a ponytail kinda girl.

But, now I use make up to ENHANCE my best features-- hide a few not so great things (we've all got em... I have an uneven skin tone and a larger nose). But if I take off my make up, I still look like the same "person". Its just an enhancement. And it takes seriously about 5 minutes, not long at all. I don't have time to spend an hour on my make up.

My hair is pretty simple, but been looking to branch out a bit recently. Just long and straight, that's about all it does. I've been blessed with relatively good tresses on their own, so I don't have to worry as much about that.

I guess its just about adding a little bit that enhances YOU... and doesn't take long.

And that's something I'm OK with-- and that's coming from a former athlete that was more comfortable in sweats a few years back...

E.

Stella...

I don't think it is as simple as that...

making your own money...

if someone continiously wears you down complaining about the amount it costs...no matter where the money comes from....

it wears you down....

her stbxh...didnt go to her own dad's funeral with her because of a hockey game....

for me...I would have spent a gabillion dollars to hire some men to come and remove the couch with him on it...then and there....

and not given a ratz pattooootie....what my HAIR looked like...


EN must be a recipricol relationship.....

when basic decent human respect isn't being met....hair issues will not be met either...

it is impossible to meet them....when the basics aren't met...

it's like worrying about what your hair looks like when you can't breathe....
it just doesn't exist in the same thought process....

ark

Cinderella, You are beautiful to me! (I have not seen you but your posts are wise and great)

Yes,, my latest hair fiasco (6 mos ago) was when I liked the hair on a local NEWS ANCHOR. It was and is beautiful and looked perfectly styled. I e-mailed the woman NEWS ANCHOR and asked who her stylist was and she told me. I got myself an appt at that salon and VOILA, my hair was RUINED again!

The stylist was busy and had only 1/2 hour to cut and style my hair. I asked if I should come back another time but NOOO. Before I could stop her, she had razored my top layers SHORT. And used a "chopper scissors" to take large chunks out of my hair all over.

When wet, I looked like a dog who had been in a fight. Or a cat who met thier match!

When dry, my hair could not even be flat ironed, with many products on there, and I could not use the round brush with any good results, and could not use a curling iron or my other collection of styling brushes.

THERE WAS NO WAY I COULD WORK WITH THIS UGLY HAIR.

I called the stylist and she offered to CUT IT OVER!!!!

NOOOOOOOO WAYYYYYYY! Would you want someone who ruined your cut to recut it? NOOOOOOOOOOO!

I told her No and got it recut at a better salon I found later on. Then, I e-mailed her that I had done that and told her it was $40.00. She sent my money back for that bad cut. I have to give her credit for that.

So, then I learned that even if someone else has a great haircut, if I go use the SAME STYLIST as that and ask for the SAME HAIRCUT and color, it can still come out bad.

It is so touchy, our hair!

if her husband has a problem with the expenditure it is obviously NOT something she should do. The policy of joint agreement would come into play and since there is no enthusiastic agreement, it should not happen.

And IMHO, there is NO YOUR OWN MONEY in a marriage. It is all jointly owned.

Ark I hear ya.

But Tab clearly says that even NOW she is not willing to do anything about her looks. Perhaps she is stil resentful about her ex's affair and is rebelling.

Maybe once she gets past his abuse, she can see her way clear to be at least open to enhancing her style a bit. It is always nice to be OPEN to things in life, we dont have to DO these things, just be OPEN to learning about new things.

Yes, but it does start one thinking about dependancy and control in a relationship. That we are in a marriage to meet each others emotional needs. But not merely as a gift of sacrifice to the other but together as a result of the POJA.

:crosseyedcrazy:

What can I say, it was the playoffs and one of those rare years the Leafs actually made them :RollieEyes:.

But regardless of that, the poster that mentioned the POJA - that's something that could have helped us - both of us - in our M. I didn't know about MB in those days. He still doesn't. We had differing viewpoints of things. Things changed drastically after we married - the fun sociable guy disappeared and was replaced with the cheap, reclusive guy who wanted a glamour queen wife. I still wanted the fun, sociable guy. So neither of us met each other's needs. I can look back now and see all kinds of things I did that were LB's though they seemed reasonable to me at the time. Ask me about car washes some day :crosseyedcrazy:!

As for the money, yes I worked and I actually made the bulk of our family income. But early in our marriage, he supported me while I went to school and we spent many years hovering somewhere just under the poverty line. So it was our way of life that kept us from spending money on non-essentials like fancy haircuts and clothing. If $10 every 2 or 3 months was enough to start an argument - I'd have been terrified to spend $175 a month!

And just to set the record straight, I'm not exactly wearing baggy sweats and a week old t-shirt around. I just wear jeans because they are the most durable and washable considering I work in a lab and as I said, anything perfumed (including hair sprays etc.) is prohibited because it interferes with the instruments. Since separating, I've actually acquired some rather stylish jeans and sweaters (because I can spend money in places other than Walmart now), though I still hate shopping. The dress I wore to my DS's wedding was SMOKIN' HOT and would have given Wstbx a heart attack if he'd seen the price tag. I also had my hair AND nails done at a salon (I actually found a gay Italian hairdresser - it doesn't get any better than that) but there's no way I could afford to go there on a regular basis.

I happen to have a variety of other qualities that I value more than my appearance. Again, it could be because I'm not ugly and maintain a level of attractiveness without all the get up.

AS for Wstbx, I'm glad he's gone now and he can have OW. I only wonder how long it will take before he realizes just how much money her look costs. I would win a beauty contest against her in fishing waders the morning after a 7-day drinking binge with chicken pox and PMS. And I can do that for free!

That's why I'm afraid to go out on a limb and have had the same hair for 10 years now! Its a "classic" style that really doesn't go "out" of style... but at the same time is never really "wow" hair either.

I kinda wanna have "wow" hair.

But at the same time... I am a hair moron. I JUST mastered the curling iron, recently. Those round brushes you are supposed to use while blow drying your hair??? I tried that once... um, I had to cut it out of my hair. I think I just blow dried KNOTS onto the brush, it got all tangled and stuck. My H laughed at me, as he tried to untangle it from the back of my head as much as he could before we cut the rest out. I can't do hot rollers either. I bought those, used them once, and I looked like I had knotted poodle hair after I took them out. They've sat in my closet since.

So, that's part of my problem too. I can't style my hair well. Right now I just put some shine serum in there, and blow dry straight. That's it.

So that's part of my problem too. I am a hair idiot. So I need a "simple" cut, because I can't do much without burning myself or ending up cutting some "device" out of my hair...

Plus, I am not sure what would "look good" on me either. I'm bad at looking at a hair cut and deciding if I'd look OK in it. In high school, I really liked another girl's short hair cut, so I took a picture to get it copied. The stylist copied it well... but it looked awful on me and accentuated my huge nose. Sigh.

I recently tried out some long side swept bangs, and then found out that was a bad idea. They constantly hung in my eyes, and would actually knock my mascara off of my eyelashes over the course of the day off onto my lower eyelids... so by the end of the day I looked like I had been socked in one eye only.... bad idea. Those are growing out and are just about long enough to tuck behind my ears now...

Stella, I think I should send you a pic and you should tell ME what to do with my hair! Haha!

E.

For me, there is a sort of ART in enhancing my beauty....or looks or whatever.

Women have natural beauty of some kind, all women do. There are very few enhancements needed to bring this out. I am trying for the following to enhance my natural features:

1. Maintain as close to a normal weight as possible

2. Keep my hair styled and colored properly to enhance my face and be easy to care for.

3. Keep a few new trendy or classic clothes to wear, casual clothing.

4. Bought 4 new makeup items, foundation, blush, eyebrow pencil, and lipstick. I use it before going outside the home or most times around my husband.

That is all I try and do. It is easy and not expensive. I have not achieved all these things but am close.

Tabby, just to let you know there are some men out there that LOVE their women more natural. I wouldn't consider for one minute being with anyone that spent $175 on a haircut. It seems NUTS to me.
For some women...make-up and paint will make you what you ain't. For me, I find jeans, sweater/t-shirt more attractive.
Minimal make-up...cool. Other than that...blah!

Hey, me too!! What kinda lab Tabby?

I know all about that. I have "work clothes" too... I got frustrated wearing "nicer" clothes to work, only to accidentally drip some chemical on them that would either eat a hole in them or bleach them... sigh. I ruined more pairs of clothing that way...

So, jeans a t-shirt it is for most day that I work in the lab.

I also teach classes, so those days, I have to "dress up" a bit more-- be a bit more presentable.

E.

Yes, hair tangles. There is a lot to learn let me tell you!

A good detangler is worth a lot, a good shampoo for your hair type, and conditioners. Some kinds of gel are good or light mousse. Shiner is good. You can use the hair iron and curl the ends sometimes with it.

There were times I wanted to take a "beauty school course" jsut to learn enough to be able to ask for the best haircut for me!

Trying on wigs helped me a lot....to see what color and style looked good. My hair now looks a little bit like my favorite wig I wore when I had cancer treatments.

Oh I guess hair is a very important, triggering subject for me ALSO since I had to live a year or more with NO HAIR! You get upset when you have no hair AT ALL and no ETA on when it will grow back in.....