There are a lot of different POV's for this one.
My H and I are currently struggling thru his very high EN for PA.
Niether one of us was in shape - both of us overweight when we got married. Shortly after, H decided to change his lifestyle and I followed along with him. He lost over 100 pounds and excercise and nutrition have become an integral part of his life. I managed to lose about 35 pounds prior to getting pregnant and have remained about 35 pounds lighter than when we got married.
H no longer finds me attractive, and has voiced that he would like to see me lose about 70 more pounds. Now, I am not obese, I am overweight. I wear a size 12/14 and 5 7'.
The weight and size he desires of me are ones that I have never, even as a teenager been. I eat well, I run 9-12 miles a week, I am active with our children. He works out every day - perhaps twice a day at times.
I have managed to change things that I know he likes.. how I dress, how I wear my makeup, how I keep my hear, the underwear I buy.... everything with the thought of pleasing him in mind.

I am struggling how to, if even possible, meet this need for him. I don't think it's reasonable, I find myself resentful at the fact that I was 'attractive' enough for him when we were married, but now that he has got thinner, I am no longer 'attractive' to him. In order to even get close to accomplishing the goals he has for me - I would have to sacrifice everything else in my life, sacrifice who I am, what I enjoy doing, time with my family, time with HIM.
I could become anorexic... that would make it easier. Probably not the right answer.
I could ignore his request and simply be me. Probably not the right answer.
I could make my life focus getting thin so he can find me attractive (something he feels he cannot be happy without). Probably not the right answer.

What's the POJA here? He has his vision, his desire.
I have who I am, who I always have been, who I desire to be.
They don't line up.

I agree there is no good way to tell your spouse they are overweight. In doing so, it causes all kinds of issues in terms of physical intimacy, emotional connection and trust in the idea that the person you are with desires you for who you are on the inside above and beyond all.
I told him not too long ago "I've come to the realization that you could very well leave me becuase I am not physically what you want." To which he answered: "Yes, I want to be happy."

((((Madlydeeply)))

I'm sorry for your situation. I was fortunate that when I was in it, I wasn't aware of it at the time. How horrible you must feel.

Exactly,

(1) because as we age, beauty does begin to fade despite BOTOX, plastic surgery, hair dye, collagen injections, etc. -- look at all the aging actresses who look ridiculous now trying to hang on to their beauty.

and

(2) money isn't guaranteed... it can go away tomorrow... even if you carefully invest. I've seen it happen to too many people.

These ARE "emotional" needs... but as I have gotten older I tend to value things a little differently. Looks and money just aren't up there anymore.

I think age has alot to do with how a person ranks their EN.

I think maturity has a lot to do with it as well.

This is so true. But why is it that men seem to develop an enhanced need for PA as they (and their spouses) age?

(I suppose one might ask the same question about women and FS but that one seems to make more logical sense)

So, when does this 'maturity' happen? :-(

I don't think it is a matter of when...it is more a matter of the person.

I feel for your predicament. If you are 5'7 and are in a size 12, NO WAY do you need to lose 70 more lbs. I am all for being healthy and attractive, but not when it becomes an obsession that borders on mental or physical unhealthiness. A wish for you to have the body of a prepubescent girl IMHO, is not a valid EMOTIONAL NEED. What if he wanted you to go out to Walmart dressed as a porn star? Would that be a valid need too?

There's a fine line between striving to be attractive for your mate, and meeting their ENs, to stressing yourself out to meet every elusive standard that might come up with next.

I just wanted to add this. I wonder if anyone would consider this a valid EN. Let's say as a woman I marry I nice strapping big guy, broad shoulders about 225 lbs, and I love the way he looks then, and tell him so.

But then I get on some weird kick, maybe by watching kinky porn movies of pre-teen boys, and decide I want hubby to weigh 140 and shave all his body hair so he will look like my new ideal of manhood.

Would anyone in the world think hubby should strive for this, because it now fits my EN for PA?

I know exactly how I'd answer that, but I'd love to read the male perspective on it so I'll keep it to myself for now!

it's hard to take your question seriously...but no, I do NOT think he should try and change for you.

to add to this, I also think that anyone that has an affair is quite immature as well.

Maybe I have a different definition of superficial. I consider it a derogatory term. To me, it is disrespectful to say that someone is superficial for having PA or FS as a top EN. According to HNHN, most women put FS in their top five and most men put PA in their top five. Does that mean that most men and women are superficial? I don't think so.

There are also different levels of FS and PA. I recognize that with my salary of less than 35K I cannot meet the needs of certain women who would like to stay in fancy hotels on vacations and such. Does it make me happy? No. Does that make those women superficial? I don't think so. Everyone has different standards. Similarly, some men have impossibly high standards for PA. We've read about some of them here.

I agree!

I think you answered your own question, What's the POJA here?

Is losing 70lbs the only solution? Is he willing to negotiate through this or is his demand the only way?

Does he want you to be happy as well or simply have you sacrifice?

And I agree with this too! That's twice in one day!

seriously.. I agree with you often....not always, but often!

After reading the past few pages, this triggered something for me.

I have always been the type of woman who likes to look good - for myself. I was raised by a mom who wouldnt even get the mail on our quiet, country lane without her hair and make up done. I have always loved nice clothing, make up and hair products. I like to look nice for my H, as its one of his top ENs. I think my H is incredibly attractive, and I tell him almost daily.

So, if I put on a shirt that he tells me he doesnt like (its fine, I am glad he is honest about it), I wont wear it again. I prefer to wear things that makes him view me sensually. He isnt specific about how I look, never tells me HOW to look, but will compliment me on things or tell me up front of he doesnt like something I have on. One day I changed up my eye shadow, and he loved it - told me he thought it was a much better compliment to my eye color. I have been wearing it ever since. I want to look good for him, it gives us both pleasure.

So... the feeling isnt reciprocated. I love, love, love it when he is clean shaven. He is a "pretty man", who has a clean cut look. He cannot pull off scruffy, and cant grow a beard, although he has tried. He knows I dont like the attempts to grow out his beard - it is not attractive to me. HE doesnt care and does it anyway. He has a head of gorgeous black, naturally curly hair and it looks great whether its long or short. Looks terrible buzzed. He knows I dont like it when he has hair cuts and they use the shears. What does he do the DAY before we go in to have our baby? Buzzed it OFF. Had our friend come over to do it. Even his friend didnt want to do it, because he knew I didnt want him to. I asked him to wait ONE day, so when we were taking pictures the day our son was born, he would still have his nice hair for the pictures.

So, what do you do about that?

Or the opposite.... I don't necesarily like the big, broad shouldered/bodybuilding look on men (and told H so) - yet this is the look H has been working towards for years.
He is thick and strong.
I have found H attractive since the day we met, whether he had a 34 inch waist or a 44 inch waist, whether he could squat 150pounds or 300 pounds. Do I think he looks better not being 300 pounds - yeah, of course. I wouldn't find him unattractive if he gained back each and every pound.

It is the only solution... well to what he feels he needs to be happy - yes.
His negotiation to this is that I don't lose the weight and his need continues to go unmet.

He thinks that I would be happier if I lost more weight. He sees that he went thru the sacrifice and was successful - why can't I be?

It's not just for the look - we needs me to be certian weight so that he can have the kind of sex he wants - so he can 'sweep me off my feet' literally, so he can feel more the 'man' in the relationship... be 'protective' of what he views as a woman. All the women he enjoys hanging around with, talking with - all those he befriends fit the mold that he would like to see me in.. a beautiful size 4. He sees that they are all willing to do it, why am I not?

Uh, not everyone can be a size 4. Does he seriously think that is how it works? Everyone can be a size 4 if they try hard enough? Thats just delusional.

This coming from a size 4.